Hi I’m coach Mike Zimmer of the Minnesota Vikings. Some of you may have heard some sound bites of my press conference after my boys beat the Rams. The first thing you need to know about me is if I am unhappy about something I will tell you. I’m not gonna bottle it in, I don’t enjoy holding in the pain and frustration. I’m not going to get all emo and mew how it’s just not fair. I am going to stare you straight in the eye and tell you exactly how I feel.
That’s why I’m here to tell you that Gregg Williams sucks horse cock. He is and always has been a cheating, late hitting, below the belt kind of asshole. He would fuck a nun in the ass if he could get away with it. That shit for brains Jeff Fisher completely consented to that late hit on our quarterback. He knew, that mustachioed licker of hobo balls. Just look at that smarmy fuck. I bet he would shit in front of a troop of girls scouts selling cookies in front of Target because he could probably get away with it. Assholes.
And do you know what else pisses me off?
People who don’t return their shopping carts at the grocery store. What are you too lazy after unloading your cart full of Ho-Hos and Little Debbies to take your cart back where it belongs? Fuck you you fat old twats.
Also people who litter. Fuck all of you. I hope you die of kangaroo Aids. Find a fucking trash can you inconsiderate shitheels. Oh and if I were to ever catch someone littering a used disposable diaper? That pathetic ass-fisting douche sock is going to be wearing that used diaper as a goddamn hat for the rest of the week!
And fuck Dr. Phil! And Oprah. You two are the reason this whole god forsaken world feels that they are entitled to whatever they want. Oh look how sensitive and special everyone is. You know what else is going to be sensitive? Your bung hole when you try and retrieve my size 12’s from it. You wimpering sacks of kudu dung.
Those goddamn idiots who drive the speed limit in the fast lane? There’s a reason people carry guns in their cars in L.A. Move the fuck over you fuck weasel, you’re slowing shit down!
Then those motherfuckers who keep turning left from the left hand turn lane AFTER their light has turned red. I don’t give two shits, when my light turns green I am going. If I T-bone your shitty little Prius while you’re taking a car full of special needs kids to school I don’t give a fuck. You were the one who kept turning. You broke the law. It was your decision, just like it will be your decision what color casket little Schuylar is going to have.
Why the fuck are they playing Christmas carols in November? Fuck all of these stores with a splintery broom handle. Who made this decision? Not fucking me, I can tell you that.
And you assholes who bite your nails fucking disgust me. Yeah, Lebron you look real professional sitting on the bench fisting your own face. Get some nail clippers and show some goddamn restraint.
If I’m in a movie theater and your phone rings? I will walk directly to your seat, call you an asshole and punch you directly in your goddamn face. Then you’ll really have something to talk about with “Caitlyn”.
What about the motherfucker who is talking on his cell phone at a stop light, then the light turns, you honk and they get pissed off at you? I keep a flame thrower in my trunk for just such an emergency.
If I’m waiting for a parking space in a lot and you come in and take it from me? The medical examiner is going to have to use your fucking dental records to identify you.
Who the fuck actually listens to new Country music? Or Taylor Swift? What the fuck did you idiots do to pop music. I knew we were fucked as soon as they started digitizing and compressing music into files. Goddamn you all to Hell for doing this. You buncha auto-tuned no talent dick slaps.
If you don’t wash your hands after using the restroom? I don’t want to know you. I don’t want to be related to you and fuck you for leaving piss stains on the men’s room door and for having “wiener hands” for the rest of the goddamn day. Keep your hands out of the community snack mix at the bar you fucking heathen.
That’s all of the time I have for today.
It’s on to Oakland.
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!!! Except the nail biting thing. I kinda do that a lot.
http://36.media.tumblr.com/862fe6b696aee570c8eb3c04d68650c4/tumblr_nxm5w3J2aS1qlz1v3o1_500.jpg
I’m ready to convert to the Tao of Zimmer.
It is within all of us. You just have to reach out there and grab that cocksucker by the neck and twist it’s goddamn head off.
You can do it!
I was really expecting a lot more hate in the comments.
Maybe this post should have gone up later in the day when more us are drunk and angry.
I expect to see much more hate tonight. Or at least derision for the incompetent.
To follow the example of my angry brethren below. Fuck those assholes that walk around a crowded city with a motherfuckin’ golf umbrella. You take up half the damned sidewalk. Oh, and you engage in an activity that is only slightly ahead of incest with an ugly relative on a moral scale.
I live in LA. What’s an “umbrella”?
That thing you use on the beach to provide shade.
Except we carry our umbrellas to protect ourselves from water falling out of the sky.
You know water that substance that is in the ocean, except isn’t salty, and you can use it to wash your car without getting arrested.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/1d9f0821cf8de1402f22dcf4ff3dae0e/tumblr_niy6ncNYDl1qf5do9o2_400.gif
So, Mike Zimmer is DFO’s spirit animal?
Pets dressed up like peepuhl!!!11!!1!
Awwww…who am I kidding. That shit’s awesome….
http://www.sloshspot.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/19-Anthropomophism-Animals-Dressed-as-Humans-Dog-as-Sexy-Woman.jpg
“Hey! I pay my taxes!”
-Old person on the highway driving 62mph in the left lane to pass a line of semis going 61mph.
This is especially frustrating because our speed limit is 75mph and snowbirds just justify their behavior as, “Oh, it’s only 55 where I come from.” Yeah, well, when in a Rome (where Rome is nothing but wide lanes, no elevation changes, and no moisture anywhere ever) stop acting like your back in fucking filthyass Pittsburgh.
This is one of my greatest annoyances. Having driven in Europe on roads where there is strict lane discipline and no speed limits, it frustrates me to no end.
They go 61 mph there? WOW! The moving road blocks here are 42, maybe 43 max.
And don’t get me started on the dick twizzlers who have more than 15 items in the express checkout…
Good hate. Strong hate. LOFTY Hate. entropy approves.
Delicious hate.
And parents who give their kids these “different” modern type names that look as if they were spelled by an epileptic riding a train during an earthquake, you can take bite of this 6 inch long turd and ringworm sub that I made for you.
I’m sending a few of the neighborhood kids – John, Mike, and Tim – over to your house and they’re gonna stomp a mudhole in little Alastair’s ass, and then walk it dry.
I just logged in to say “And fuck anyone who names their kid Schuylar”, but I can see that’s been addressed.
Well done.