2015 Pittsburgh Stillers Bye Week Injury Report

STILLERS BYE WEEK RECAP

WCS: 6-4 and in the Wild Card position. Not too bad considering the Stillers look more like a triage unit during an outbreak of EbolaAIDS.

/DeAngelo Williams’ ankle explodes

The Stillers have started four kickers since the preseason, three quarterbacks, lost All-Pro center and Aaron Hernandez Fan Club president Maurkice Pouncey for the season, Le’Veon Bell’s MCL was hit by the Death Star laser, starting defensive lineman Stephan Tuitt and starting outside linebacker Ryan Shazier can’t stay healthy.

//Lawrence Timmons’ arms shatter into 20 pieces each

The defense has been absolutely great. Keith Butler’s crew has been far better than anyone would have guessed. They give up yards in bucket loads, but, keep coming up with the SPLASH PLAYS Mike Tomlin so desires. Obviously.

///Martavis Bryant is taken over by the X-Files Black Oil

Balls of Steel: I’m frankly shocked that we are still in the playoff picture with everything that has happened.

////Ben ruptures spleen, plays anyway

I’m not too optimistic on what we can actually accomplish this year, but I do like how this team has pulled together and stepped up.

/////Harrison lifts 150lb dumbbell with one arm, tears triceps

//////Dumbbell falls on Antonio Brown’s right femur, shattering it.

If only Brady got hurt as often as Ben. I guess there is a reason people take PEDs…

Sill: So what, then, does the future hold for these intrepid Dirt Penguins?

///////Bud Dupree wounded by sniper at Dealey Plaza re-enactment

The Seahawks have been a mystery all season and an away game in CenturyLoud is never going to be easy.

////////Cam Hayward gets into blimp fight, loses

The luckless, Luckless Clots clop into town with about as much hope of winning as Chris Christie.

/////////Chris Boswell gets the sniffles while visiting relatives in Jersey, quarantined for 90 days by Chris Christie

The Bungles game will be about determining playoff field position for both teams and will go a long way toward showing who each of these teams really are.

//////////David DeCastro is mistaken for Fidel Castro, rendered to black site in Croatia

WCS: Outbreak of nuclear war aside, what are yinz final regular season win/loss records? I’m saying 10-6. I think they make the playoffs as the first wild card, beat whatever garbage pile comes out of the AFC South, and then defeats the Bungles to advance to the AFC Championship. All bets are off after that.

///////////Heath Miller is arrested by the Springfield Police Department for every unsolved murder in New York City

Balls: I’d like to stick with my rose-colored glasses prediction of 12-4, but that’s probably too much to ask for.  10-6 seems about right with the optimistic 11-5 not too far out of reach. If we can win in Seattle, I’m going with 11-5.

Sill: I may as well finish the look at the remaining games:

Now that the Manningbot is offline for good the defense can load up on Ostrich burgers. The Donks are lucky to be in a shitty division they’re going to win by default.

/////////////Ryan Shazier tapped lightly on the arm, entire right side explodes

The Stillers unusual run of luck regarding overrated QBs spontaneously combusting ahead of them continues with a visit to the now-well-below-Average Ratbirds. The only question here is: Will Flacco’s replacement knee be ELITE?

/////////////Jordan Berry goes to Tatami restaurant, loses shoes, breaks metatarsal punting barefoot

Finally, a visit to the Factory shop floor itself. Pretty much everything should be wrapped up by this point, so the only people who are going to care about this game are the guys playing for a job next season.

//////////////Matt Spaeth falls down a manhole, is missed by no one

Final prediction:

By my math they’re set for 11-5 and a wild card game at whichever division winner sucks worse, the South or the West. My money’s on the South. If they can somehow avoid calamitous injury and/or the P*ts, they’ve got as good a shot as anyone. So they’ll definitely lose to the losing losers vomited forth by the eldritch wasteland of the South. GO STILLERS WOO

///////////////Mike Tomlin accidently shows footage of the opening of the Arc of the Covenant instead of Seattle game film, entire team melts