Narrator: The Under the Moosemas Tree Holiday Special was filmed before a live studio audience.
The scene: The DFO clubhouse. Future Moose is sitting alone on the couch, looking forlorn.
[DOOR FLIES OPEN]
Darkest Timeline Zach Morris enters, hauling in the top half of a huge holiday tree.
DTZM: Hey, Moose! Want to give me a hand with this thing?
Future Moose (forlornly): Sure, I guess.
DTZM and Future Moose haul the tree inside. It’s a good twelve feet tall, with massive branches.
DTZM: What do you think? It’s one of Zymm’s genetically-engineered pine trees.
Future Moose: It’s fine, I guess.
DTZM: Hey! Why so glum, chum? We’re getting into the holiday season here! A time to be merry and all that. I mean, I’m thankful already…you’re wearing pants!
Cue audience laughter
Future Moose: I know, it’s just that…I miss my home. My whole family is in the future, and this is usually my favorite time of the year. I mean, Moosemas, y’know?
DTZM: Boy, that is hard. Well, look…what do you normally do for Moosemas? Maybe we could add a few new traditions around here.
Future Moose (brightening up): Yeah! Well, we have Moosemas Carols, obviously. And there’s always the annual Moosemas Gladiatorial Games…and one year we invaded Venus!
DTZM: Whoa, whoa…that sounds great, but maybe we’d better start with a Moosemas Carol. It sounds less dangerous.
Cue audience laughter
[DOOR FLIES OPEN]
Doktor Zymm and Sill Bimmons enter from Zymm’s secret laboratory door.
Cue audience applause
Doktor Zymm: Zo! Ve could not help overhearink…poor Mooze! It ist hard to be avay from your loved vones durink ze holidays.
Sill Bimmons: Indeed! My sympathies, good friend Future Moose! Pray tell us, what canst we do to facilitate your good cheer and merriment?
DTZM: Well, we were just talking about…
Future Moose (hopefully): Gladiatorial games?
Cue audience laughter
DTZM (glaring): Moosemas Carols.
Sill Bimmons: Why, good songs and good friends…what more canst a man ask during this most joyous of seasons?
DTZM: Come on, Moose…start us off with one of your songs.
Cue audience applause
Future Moose: Well, OK…
Cue music, to the tune of “We Wish You A Merry Christmas”
Future Moose (singing):
We wish you a Merry Moosemas
We wish you a Merry Moosemas
We wish you a Merry Moosemas
Please don’t vaporize our home!
The DFO members look uncomfortable.
DTZM: Umm…
Doktor Zymm: Vell…
Sill Bimmons: Mayhap thou hast a song that is…more celebratory?
Future Moose: Well, that is an older one. Maybe we could sing “We Give Things?”
DTZM: Sure! Just start us off.
Cue music, to the tune of “We Three Kings”
Future Moose (singing):
We give Moose things from near and from far
We order gifts through the Amazon Czar
Wine and coffee, miles of toffee
And a Road Warrior car
The entire DFO joins in the song.
Everyone (singing):
O Moose we wonder, on this night
Your dictatorship means that might makes right
Still it’s better, to live under fetters
Than lose to you in a fight
Future Moose (singing):
Born in a lab, that night it did rain
Programmed to have no feeling or pain
But Debbie Harry, made me merry
She opened my artificial brain
Everyone (singing):
O Moose you’re frightening, beyond compare
We’d rather face a rabid old bear
But you’re our good friend, till the very end
Even if you’re malware
Cue audience applause
[DOOR FLIES OPEN]
WCS enters, holding a box full of bottles.
WCS: Hey, everyone!
Cue audience applause
Everyone (in unison): WCS!
DTZM: About time you showed up! Where have you been?
Sill Bimmons: Aye, we had become concerned by your continued absence.
WCS: Gee, I hope you guys weren’t worried. But after that last Steelers game I was a bit depressed.
Sill Bimmons (nodding): Aye, indeed. They have truly fallen from heights most lofty.
WCS: Right? So I was thinking…what’s the best cure for the holiday blahs?
Future Moose: Conquering Europe?
Cue audience laughter
WCS: No, I was thinking more of this…
WCS pulls a bottle of bourbon out of the box.
Doktor Zymm: Alcohol!
Sill Bimmons: Huzzah!
DTZM (looking in the box): OK! Well, we’ve got Jim Beam, Wild Turkey, Knob Creek, Booker’s, Elijah Craig…hey, WCS, did you bring anything but bourbon?
WCS (looking innocent): Umm…the liquor stores were out of everything else.
Cue audience laughter
There’s a knock on the door.
DTZM (opening door): Well, who could that be?
The Angry Girl Scout is standing outside the door, looking infuriated and holding several boxes of holiday cookies.
Cue audience applause
Angry Girl Scout: Hey, are you the knob who ordered the Christmas cookies?
Future Moose: Hey, about time!
DTZM: Moose, have you been online again?
Future Moose: Dude, I live online…literally.
Cue audience laughter
Sill Bimmons: ‘Tis the holiday season…mayhap we couldst do with a box or two of baked confections.
Angry Girl Scout: A box or two? Chuckles, I have a gross of these things out here, and it’s cash on delivery.
DTZM: A gross? That’s…
Doktor Zymm: Vone-hundred und forty-four boxes.
Future Moose (shrugging): What can I say? I have a sweet tooth.
Cue audience laughter
Narrator: Be sure to come back next week, for Part 2 of the Under the Moosemas Tree Holiday Special.
Did anyone else get to the chorus of We Three Kings and then hear it California Raisin style?
I gave up religion decades ago but I have no qualms about celebrating Moosemas.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/4732ecedd7fec55cf0251c29e89977d3/tumblr_nyuk53oYeY1qz6f9yo9_1280.jpg
Don’t worry; during the hottest part of the summer there is the Poolmoose Season.
http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/graphics/poolmoose2.jpg
A LOT of playing in the sprinklers.
http://static.deathandtaxesmag.com/uploads/2015/06/MooseFrolic1.png
Pretty much the best day since……
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v675/DjTenacity/moosecake.jpg
Merry Moosemas, one and all!
http://www.menshealth.com/sites/menshealth.com/files/styles/slideshow-desktop/public/images/slideshow2/0_Opener_Final.jpg
Always up for a good Moosemas party!
http://i.imgur.com/d0lJeH6.gif
Might surprise but in the future fine beverages and beaverages are a huge deal. A lot of vacations for those who don’t have addictive personalities are much like the Travel Channel show Booze Traveler.
Free cruizer bikes and bike paths so everybody can get home safe.
*Some road rash does occur.
http://images1.westword.com/imager/mo-the-moose-is-headed-to-texas/u/original/6464408/smilingmoose.jpg
Awesome. Beats a virgin birth by 900 miles.
The design team behind Moose may have been virgins.
I mean, it’s not a certainty, but there is a good chance.
http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/541/af8d3bc0-bbd1-0132-458d-0ebc4eccb42f.gif
These code writers get it made up to them.
http://45.media.tumblr.com/127dcb0f6c15e679fdcbac16574e4b5f/tumblr_ng7hhhIqZN1r3qv9to2_r1_400.gif
My favorite Moosemas Carol is Hail To The [*Redacted] s (the no offense version)
There is Hail the Foreskins and an old version of Hail the [*Redacted] s which celebrates embarrassment.
Wow,
Merry Moosemas everyone.
May you all give and receive lovely gifs.
?w=720&h=406
https://www.flickr.com/photos/bewarethefish/4959691250
You dicks all make me feel bad about just doing my crappy illustrations in Paint.
Crapscreamer! The true meaning of Moosemas is neither illustrations nor song parody! No, the true meaning of Moosemas…is drinking. Drinking and tits.
Remember…Moose was the holiest man ever to slap iron. He killed for your sins!
http://i.imgur.com/MdMYuXu.gif
“Vengence is mine!” quoth Moose. Then he shot that guy right in the friggin’ face.
Well, that guy wouldn’t stop harassing women at work.
In the future your illustrations are VERY valuable. Many bottles of fine scotch and mounds of great weed will be paid just to have the pleasure of hanging a print in the living room.
All: Moosemas, Moosemas time is here
Time for .gifs and time for beer
We’re awake, cause we don’t rest
Hurry, Moosemas, post some breasts
All: Want Kate Upton, zero-G…
Moose: How bout more Debbie Harry?
All: We can hardly stand the wait
Please Moosemas, stay up late
Balls: All right now fellas, that was tolerable and safe for work. Solid harmony, Zymm.
Zymm: No shit.
Balls: Thanks for joining us instead of getting drunk and hate-watching Attack of the Clones, Sill.
Sill: (gurgles pervertedly)
Balls: Careful, Moose, you came in a little flat.
Moose: (sound of typing)
Balls: Moose?
Moose: (sound of whiskey pouring)
Balls: Moose?
Moose: (sound of furious masturbation)
Balls: MOOOOOOSE!!!
Moose: OKAY!!!
All: Want a bouncing Alison Brie…
Moose: I STILL WANT DEBBIE HARRY, SERIOUSLY, CALL ME BABY!
All: We can hardly stand the wait
Please Moosemas, stay up late
Constant football kind of grates
Please Moosemas, stay up late
This is perfect.
I’m glad to see everyone getting into the Moosemas spirit!
http://www.burlexe.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Alison-Brie-Christmas.gif
BOO BOOP BEE DOOP! (Moose) SEX!
Turns out that this is ones of the biggest franchise chains in the world.
http://www.happymoosebarandgrill.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/29-695×375.jpg
Twas the night before Moosemas, when all through the house
Not a creature was clicking, not even a mouse.
The fishnet stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Moose soon would be there.
The commentists were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of crazy gifs danced in their heads.
And DTKelly Kapowski in her ‘kerchief, and DTZM in his cap,
Had just settled their brains for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The pic of the breasts on the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a live action Wonder Woman, and a six pack of beer.
With a little old outfit, so shiny and loose,
I knew in a moment it must be Moose.
More rapid than eagles his YouTube links came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called girls by name!
“Now Debbie! now, Linda! now, Dancers and Vixens!
On, Emily! On, Kate! on, on Donna and Blitzen!
To the top of the screen! to the top of the wall!
Now flash away! Flash away! Flash away all!”
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the models they flew,
With a sack full of sex toys, and Moose too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little bare foot.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Moose came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with whisky and soot.
The bundle of sex toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, to make sure I could jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Moosemas to all, and to all a good-night!”
http://www.cgsociety.org/cgsarchive/stories/2004_11/octopus/wallpaper_l.jpg
Gold.
Awesome.
Welp, it’s obvious my work is done here!
/puts on cowboy hat, rides off into sunset
http://i.imgur.com/HnVQIwE.jpg
Don’t trust those Girl Scouts!
http://www.upscalecostumes.com/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/d58d44b981214661663244ef00ea7e30/5/5/558412_alt1_lg.jpg
It’s easy to remember, because it’s a dozen dozen!
Thank god it wasn’t a great gross.
One PK shit per year is more than enough for me.
http://www.quickmeme.com/img/c0/c0d603dd9712433032f6aff0c0cf5b05c6df6c0b1d228c581a83b9b36d940a18.jpg
Tree looks great! Little full, lots of sap.
http://www.clarkgriswoldcollection.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Christmas-Vacation-Tree-Griswold.jpg
http://45.media.tumblr.com/e90680d010f2f09bfdfb0b1053c93e57/tumblr_nnx1uojRmH1rpc5kho1_400.gif