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MikeWallaceAndGromit

MikeWallaceAndGromit

DFO’s resident gamer of the video and board variety.
MikeWallaceAndGromit

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December 6th, 2015

New Orleans, Louisiana

Hours had past since the one loss Carolina Panthers continued their impressive season with a win over the New Orleans Saints. The Saints locker room, cleared of players, staff, and reporters, sat in darkness. Even the janitors had long since departed home to the comfort of their families after another bitter loss. Gone were the post game speeches and consolations, the bitter regrets of missed opportunities, and the half-hearted promises one makes to oneself to do better next time. At this hour there was only a dark void of silence. A silence about to be broken by dark deeds.

With a darker purpose.

The faint shuffle of feet broke the silence, but only just. The sounds started and stopped fitfully as if their owner was unsure of his path, or trying to remain undetected. The sharp scritch of a match being lit broke the silence further. A small orb of light pushed back the gloom enough to reveal a black clothed figure standing before Brandon Browner’s locker. Soft yellow light blossomed from a small candle., illuminating the face beneath the hood with its glow.

Brandon Browner darted a look over his shoulder. Seeing no other sign of life, he crouched down before his locker. The bottom panel of the locker came free easily. Though he had changed teams several times in recent years, his lockers always came prepared with a false bottom. He never asked how. Bleergh’s devoted had their ways and he was content in thus knowing he was not alone. Brandon removed what was concealed beneath with careful reverence. Concealed from his teammates, his family, his most loyal friends. None knew or would ever know. Until it was too late.

A feeling of profound comfort washed over Brandon as he picked up the tattered piece of yellow cloth. Its color faded from years of handling, torn from the first penalty flag assessed in his name. That was the first time he had felt Bleergh’s influence, His power, His glory. In a bare whisper, Brandon evoked the Flag God’s name.

“Hail Bleergh, God of Flags, Lord of Penalties. It is your humble servant, Brandon.”

A look of uncertainty crossed Brandon’s face. His faith in the immortal being of forfeiture  had never wavered, but in recent weeks the seed of doubt had taken root.

“Oh Horrible One, Destroyer of Plays and Herald of Game Delays, hear me. For years I have been your devoted servant and this season I have provoked the holy cloth a spectacular 21 times, the most of any player in the league.  Just today I gave the Panthers three free first downs. I have observed many of the Dark Acts.: Masking of the Face, Roughness Beyond Necessity, even Holding in Defense. Yet you have remained silent oh Neergh.”

Brandon raised the scrap of cloth to his forehead and gripped it with fervency.

“I wish only to ascend to your glory, to shunt aside this mortal coil and sit at your right hand as you rule from the Penalty Throne, as a Demon Prince of Pass Interference! Just give me a sign, Lord, some guiding beacon of darkness that I may know your desires!”

A light breeze tickled the back of Brandon’s neck. He looked around. There were no doors nearby, no vents to cause the air to stir. The fierce fluttering of falling paper nearly stopped his heart with shock. He stood and investigated the source of the noise. A stack of newspapers had fallen off a nearby table. The headlines read mostly about the Saints disappointing season and other trivial matters Brandon found no interest in. As he turned to resume his prayers, one particular paper caught his eye. It looked different: older, yellowed with age.

He picked it up and squinted in the failing candlelight. It was dated 2003. But how was that possible? What was a paper that old doing in the locker room? His eyes were drawn to a small blurb below the fold. It had been circled. No, it was simply a coffee stain. Brandon tried not to think that dried blood often had the same color as coffee. He quickly scanned the article. It briefly detailed the exploits of one Chester Pitts, a Houston Texans tackle. Brandon’s eyes widened. The article spoke of Pitts’ 2003 season in which he accumulated 23 penalties, the most ever since they began tracking them.

“By Bleergh’s Dark Whistle…. THIS IS IT! I hear you Lord! I shall carry out your wishes and achieve the MOST PENALIZED SEASON IN HISTORY! In four remaining games, I shall EASILY SURPASS CHESTER PITTS! Glory to Kheergh!”

In a frenzied rush, Brandon replaced the false bottom in his locker. He tucked the scrap of flag into his shoe, blew out the candle, and sprinted for the exit. The total darkness hampered his way as he crashed into shelves, chairs and doorways, but he cared not. The only thing louder than the clattering of falling debris in the halls of the stadium as he ran out was echoing peals of laughter. The laughter of madness.

 

MikeWallaceAndGromit

DFO’s resident gamer of the video and board variety.

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aceg
Member
aceg

This is a thing of greatness. Another chapter is in order me thinks…

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

CAN WE TALK A LITTLE MORE ABOUT STAR WARS

Just kidding. That last little bit in the ashcatcher really did me in last night.

http://www.imghans.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/I-Am-Sorry.png

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

So all this time, Cortland Finnegan was just a loyal devotee of BLEERGH and not a raging asshole?

Don T
Member

You know that kinda dirty player on your team whom you appreciate but would hate if he played somewhere else? Finnegan was NOT that guy. When Andre Johnson whaled on him, I felt good for Johnson.

blaxabbath
Member

I should pick Finnegan up for my FF team.

Because fuck that guy. He can suffer along with me, Bradford, the Rams D (RAM IT!), and Carlos Hyde.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Can’t he be both?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Finnegan is a disguised member of the IRA radical wing?

blaxabbath
Member

Just so many layers to the Flag God Conspiracy. I love it.

It’s rare that I actively root against players getting hurt (not that I root for non-TB12 injuries typically) but I hope he stays healthy all year to achieve this success.

I hope the NFL puts the flag thrown for his record breaking offense in the HOF.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

ALL HAIL YOG-SLEERGH!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Would that my feeble human tongue was able to pronounce His name properly!

[pierces tongue with hot iron in penance]

Beerguyrob
Member

Does that make Jerry Markbreit one of the Great Old Ones?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I don’t know the answer to that, but I *do* know that Mike Mayock is a minion of Nyarlathotep.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

+1 lisp joke

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Rikki,

BLWEERIBGLURP BER BITBERPIE QUIORTEERAM!!

Beerguyrob
Member

Did you lose that number?

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

This is so so so so good!

ALL HAIL BLEERGH!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

And mind you, that was Chester Pitts’ 4th year of organized football.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Oh so he played on the Raiders for a few years before the Texans picked him up?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Member

Do the Raiders count as “organized” football?

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

What part of “organized football” makes you think of the Raiders?

packpowerfan
Member
packpowerfan

It is like the same way that street gangs are organized. Loosely and violently.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Hmm, I guess I could have worded this joke better.

Old School Zero
Member

I believe this counts as opening the first seal of the flagpocalypse.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

BLEERGH 6:2–And I saw, and behold a white cap: and he that bore it had a whistle; and a flag was given unto him: and he went forth penalizing, and to penalize.

yeah right
Member

The good news for the Saints is he only cost 15 million with 7.75 million guaranteed along with a 3.9 million signing bonus.
Holy shit is he terrible.
I’m fully confident in his ability to break the all time penalties record. Probably by this Sunday.

Don T
Member

Immortal being of forfeiture: genius. I may use that in my next pamphlet about the federal government.

King Hippo
Member

DELIGHTFUL. ALL PRAISE BE!!

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