Star Wars is out today. I AM READY TO SHIT MY DICK. I rewatched the original trilogy all this week to get myself hyped. (Obviously not the new ones though. I may be younger than some of you all, but I’m not a dumbass. At least, not a gigantic one.) Holy fuck, I can’t wait until Monday at noon. Reminder: if someone sets out to intentionally spoil the movie for you, you are, in fact, allowed to murder them without consequence. It’s true! Donald Trump told me it was ok.

Also, fantasy playoffs begin this week as well! Congrats to those of you participating this year. Also, fuck you, you all clearly have horseshoes up your asses or something. Good luck.

Here we go!

Hi The Maestro,

Fantasy did not go well for me this year. Ended up 4-10 and, not figuratively but literally, I have nothing to play for as our league playoffs are for winners-only. To send a message that no ones job is safe around here, I started cutting left and right –  like Martha Ford searching for Jim Caldwell/her diaphragm. As it were, I was only able to cut my top 6 players before Yahoo put the ax to my axing. My question: is this something I should address the commissioner about? I think I should be able to run my team however I want but I also understand how much power commissioners carry in football (and football statics-based) leagues. How can I air my grievances but still make sure I can come back next season and slaughter everyone in this stupid fucking game?

Personally it seems a little funny that your league would have a rule on how many players you can cut at once, but yeah, I’m inclined to agree with you here. Because this is individual roster management, and not immediately impacting other teams, especially considering it’s the end of the season, I say you have the right to do whatever you want with it to get the crew whipped back into shape. Definitely talk to the commissioner, because I think that’s a valid point here. Hopefully next season improves for you with the new recruits installed in place.

Whatever mental image you got from “Martha Ford + diaphragm” is my sex submission. So have fun with that, ya freak.  

You are a sick, disgusting individual and I just want you to know that JAR JAR IS THE NEW SITH LORD IN THE MOVIE AND HE GETS TWICE AS MUCH SCREEN TIME AS ALL THE OTHER CHARACTERS COMBINED

Also, a timely Star Wars question below this week!

My girlfriend has never seen Star Wars. I didn’t realize this until a few months after we started dating, and it totally caught me off-guard. Luckily, she’s agreed to watch them with me (woohoo!) in order to get caught up to speed on what everyone’s talking about these days. So I guess my question is this: as the person responsible for taking my gf’s Star Wars virginity, what are the most important things I need to be watching out for as I try to educate her about everything going on?

Well, aren’t you a lucky man! Normally the v-card transfer is a bloody and sometimes painful process, so this seems much better overall. That’s not to say there won’t be pain induced by watching Hayden Christiansen act, but nothing’s perfect, after all.

So as someone explaining Star Wars to a new viewer, I tend to have the following things in mind while watching:

• Most of the time, if it looks like a good guy, it is a good guy. And vice-versa. It will be pretty obvious after a while.
• I don’t know why there’s all the racial stereotyping and ridiculous accents thrown in over the new trilogy or what purpose it serves. Yes, that part kinda sucks, but just accept it and let’s move on to more exciting things. Fortunately, you get to be rid of Jar Jar by the end of Episode III.
• Impressing a sense of scale onto everything is key for the original trilogy: A New Hope had just a $4 million budget, which even in 1977 was small, and a huge amount of the sets, costumes, weapons, etc. were all handmade in the originals. The guys at Industrial Light & Magic also figured out how to shoot all the flight scenes in the originals using stop-motion and little miniatures, which I find impressive as fuck from a cinematic point of view. A couple little snippets like that are some good trivia, if you feel a need to drop that on her.
• Being a music teacher, I also try and make a point of having new viewers make note of all the various musical themes going on – John Williams wrote the score in the style of Wagnerian opera, which uses the leitmotif – little snippets for characters and concepts that appear during the action, and layered on top of each other. Am I a nerd about this kind of stuff? Yeah, but I could do a lot worse. That’s what I keep telling myself at least. So tell her to just notice all the little bits that come out – the little solo horn melody when the twin suns of Tatooine appear, the little flute line for Leia, Vader’s Imperial March, etc. etc. Lots of stuff to choose from!

Hey, overall, cool that she’s down to watch all of them with you. I got to do this once with a former girlfriend as well, and part of what I think made everything so enjoyable was that she enjoyed watching my reactions to everything happening. I still always catch myself fist-pumping when the Death Star blows up. It’s just human nature, really. So I hope for her sake that you also make a point of enjoying the fuck out of this as well! It’s ok to act like a little kid for once. Star Wars definitely gives you a free pass for that. Use it wisely.

Good luck in your last fantasy weeks, and may the Force be with you!

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For all readers – if you have questions about fantasy football and/or your love life, please send all inquiries to [email protected] or tweet The Maestro at @TSN_Jorts. The Mailbag will be published every Friday, pending enough submitted material (hint, hint…).