Hippo Thoughts – Week 15

These be all half-hearted again, as Denver shit the second half bed even more mightily this week, losing the 2nd half 21-0 in Yinzburgh. All 3 AFC Wild Card contenders (well, 4 if you count Denver now that they are in the midst of blowing the division to the Chefs with one more loss) are on a collision course for 11-5. The Ben proves once and for all that he’s as immune to defensive matchups in the secondary as he is to consent requirements in the lavatory.

Kansas City beat the shit out of Balmer, with the Emu tossing two Schaubs. Attendance at this game should have counted as community service.

Naturally, the P*ts cruised at home (without looking good at all) against the Titans, even kicking a completely unnecessary garbage time FG to cover the spread. The AFC playoffs will be a bed of fucking roses for these fuckwits.

Speaking of the AFC playoffs, Cincy did manage its first Red Rocket-less win, on the road in Santa Clara. Two garbage time scores made it look closer than it was, 24-14. AJ McCarron was perfectly competent, and he gets the reeling Broncos next week with the #2 seed on the line.

Houston’s imaginary team won for the first time ever in Fat Hump Land. All it took was a little Doopy Pantz. That’s gotta sting, Cowboys fans. With the Jaguras losing to the shitty Falcons at home, the Texans are in great shape for the #4 seed and a severe Wild Card weekend home beating.

It’s gonna be silly just how near-unanimous the MVP voting will be. Cam Newton put on a show building a 35-7 lead in Jersey, then after the G-Men miraculously came back to tie the game at 35, coolly led his team down the field for the winning field goal. Cam made some of the most beautiful passes you will ever see in that game, especially his last toss to Ginn (who amazingly caught it). Life support time for Old Man Coughlin and his team (micro and macro-level).

From the mire of mediocrity, the Redacteds continued their run to near-respectability by blasting the Bills. Buffalo is definitely plummetting in the opposite direction. Bad, bad football team.

Somebody say bad football team? HAI Dolphins. San Diego had a little pride left for the home folks (all 500 of ’em!) after all.

Seattle beat the shit out of Cleveland. This surprised exactly no one. Same sentence re Vikings and Bears.

Green Bay and Aaron Rodgers are not ready to be confined to the dustbin of history just yet, and Oakland’s streak of knocking off division leaders ends at 1. I didn’t see as much of this one as I would have liked, having foolishly invested much of my soul in Donks/Stillers. I SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

David Johnson is an absolute beast, which is something I’ve been saying all season (I have the e-mails to prove it). Amongst all the Coach of the Year discussions, remember that Bruce Arians had him buried on the depth chart behind a guy off the street who hasn’t been good in like 5 years, and a guy that can’t handle more than like 15 carries a month without breaking. But his hats and glasses are so hipster-y! Ranting aside, at least the Panthers and Cardinals have enough balance and toughness to really give Satan’s besties a fight in the Super Bowl. JUST PRAY that one of ’em makes it that far (the byes will help). Daywalker Carson Palmer had a gross finger owie that NBC was determined to show us again and again and again, but he a’ight. The Iggles suck again.