Your Next To Last Full Blown Early Afternoon Slate Open Thead

Car @ Atl: With RB Stewart out Artis-Payne gets another go as starter against a Falcons team that rumour has it, is quite pumped up for this game. Unfortunately they chose helium-silly Falcons. Last week WR Jones set a new team reception record and Harrison’s 143 season record lies ahead. All he has to do is grab 26 balls in the next 2 games. I think he’s got a conveniently-dead witness’ chance of getting it. Much to everyone’s surprise WR Ginn Jr. has turned into a viable catcher of oblong objects. He’s been quite effective way down the field. After not scoring/not being remotely effective for 5 games he’s had 5 TD’s in his last 3.

NE @ NYJ: The Jets have won their last 4 and meet up with the P*ts at home. Good old Steven “Recycled Tire” Jackson was signed this week-watch him go for 80 yds and a score. The Jets need this one and the next one to have any chance at all to get to the next round. They’re currently in a (not that kind) 3-way with the red-hot Steelers and the red-hot Chiefs. The Jets lose all the tie-breakers if everyone wins out. The Steelers/Chief get to play the Ravens, Browns and Raiders-Jets be screwed? RB Ivory has done his team no favours down the stretch-he’s got 1 TD in his last six games and sports a sub-3 yds. per carry average in his last 4. RB Powell has picked up some of the slack but this one is on QB Fitz’ shoulders methinks.

Pit @ Bal: The Steelers keep steamrolling everyone in their way. The Ravens will be doing their best to facilitate Pitt’s recent proclivities by throwing the two-week signee, plane-missing and meeting-avoiding Ryan Mallett into the fire. He’s either auditioning for next year’s back-up job or Ravens management is looking to have some say in where they will land in next year’s draft. [insert whycan’titbeboth jpeg here] Gary Kubiak’s choice for league MVP, WR Brown, destroyed Broncs CB Harris Jr. last week. One wonders what he’ll do the statistically-verified lousy Jimmy Smith-maybe, say 5 TD’s, 345 yds. and a literal spanking at mid-field? It could happen…

Cle @ KC: If you’re in for a good time on Christmas morning and it consists of speeding, a DUI, carrying Adderall and an unlicensed handgun, look no further than soon-to-be-waived Browns players Armonty Brown and De’Ante Saunders. The spirit of Manziel compels you!  The only light that shines for the Browns right now is TE Barnidge, a guy that put it all together in his 8th year in the league. Nine of his 12 career TD’s have been scored in the last three months. KC has won 8 straight and no doubt I’ll be typing 9 straight next week. If you want my vision of the Browns immediate future, imagine a cleat stamping on the face of Johnny Football-all afternoon. (apologies to George Orwell)

Hou @ Ten: The Texans will be on their 4th starting QB when Weeden stumbles on to the field today. The Titans response was, “Weeden, eh? I’ll raise you…ZACH METTENBERGER!” [both teams fold] At least Houston will be able to make a delicious tourtiere with all the ground up pieces of Zach after Clowney and Watt impose their talent on the Titans pathetic OL. The biggest question after the game will be “Joey Bosa or Laremy Tunsil?”.

Here’s my “Playing Out The String Quartet Of Games”-

!nd @ Mia, SF @ Det, Dal @ Buf and Chi @ TB. There may be some pedants out there that would say, “Hey! Indy hasn’t been officially  eliminated yet! I would counter with “Trust me, a team that lost to a Hoyer-less Texans squad and gave 51 points to Jax is done”. All these games are only good for fantasy purposes, die-hard fans and folks struggling with a crippling gambling habit.