I drove into my downtown office this morning, and even though I don’t live in a REAL city…twas quickly reminded of how much I despise humanity and the bullshit social obligation-fest that is New Year’s Eve.
What am I gonna do tonight? Stay home and watch fucking football. Otherwise, I would deliberately go to bed before midnight. Because fuck your societal mores.
Peach Bowl – Houston vs. Florida State (Noon, ESPN)
They brought back the “peach” element to the corporatization at least, thank fuck. I woulda called it “Peach Bowl” anyway, but still. True story, my ex-mother-in-law ALWAYS called it “Chick-a-fil.” Truly disturbing. Anyway, there are some that believe YOOOOOUSTON is a good footbaw team, and will stay with Florida State. I am not one of them, even though I don’t believe the Noles are any great shakes themselves.
Semifinal #1 – Oklahoma v. Clemson (4:00, ESPN)
Fuck your branding, it’s not a bowl anymore, it’s the goddamned national semifinal. Also, the ESPN Deportes feed will be live on ESPN2 (for both semis), methinks I will pill up and watch as much of that as my brain can process. Viva! First team to 60 wins this one. Psst, it’ll be Boomer Sooner, not Coach Jeebus Camp’s crew.
Semifinal #2 – Alabama v. Michigan State (8:00, ESPN)
The scowling mofo pictured above is the good guy in today’s action, by a longshot. And there is absolutely, positively no change in hell the rankings weren’t manipulated to make sure Satan….ummmm, I mean Saban faced his old team. A marked contrast from the first game, if anyone hits 20 it will be a mild shock. But if anyone does, it will be Roll Damn Tide and we will all has the sads.
I put forward the following motion to the Sacred Commentariate.
Seeing how everything now has a bowl game, I suggest we make in roads to sponsor our own bowl game.
Obviously we would not be getting top talent. I am thinking maybe the winner of the American East versus the winner of the Italian Football League…think of the international potential!
I’d say we should host the DFO Bourbon Bowl, but we’re more a scotch crowd.
The Bourble Bowl.
A shot of bourbon every time the announcers say “the” or “and.”
I have family connections in Italy that range from the cosmopolitan – Rome in all of its snooty, European glory – to bumpkin: grape stompers out in Tuscany and further north.
A few calls, a lot of yelling and hand gestures, and we can make this shit happen.
So while I was shopping for Christmas presents I came across the greatest photo book of all time.
“Contact High” pretty naked girls smoking weed.
http://www.amazon.com/Contact-High-Jesse-Pearson/dp/193979904X
I hate both of these playoff matchups.
Fuck all these teams.
WTF, I just heard an ad for the “Battle Frog” Fiesta Bowl.
Three questions
What the fuck is Battle Frog?
How in the hell does a company that tells you to go to facebook for more info have the money to sponsor one the really big bowls?
Finally, why the hell isn’t Tostitos still sponsoring the game? That made more sense than any other sponsorship I”ve heard of for a. Bowl game.
I actually did look up “BattleFrog”!
It’s apparently one of those obstacle race things, like Spartan Race, or Tough Mudder, or Ultimate Warri–wait, maybe not that one.
Full disclosure…I know not what any of those things are.
Mid-life crisis extreme confidence course for guys who weren’t good at real sports when it was age-appropriate.
They’re pretty popular among 20-somethings too.
I’d be surprised if the company was still around in five years.
Serious, I thought venture capital for weirdo shit like this dried up, oh, like 8-9 years ago?
Perhaps they launder drug money??
YEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWW!!!!!
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/66548/darkplace-dean-shotgun-o.gif
How bout them Cougars!!!
http://www.papermag.com/uploaded_images/tumblr_mt4bsctPav1qewacoo1_500.gif
http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_meksibQfhD1r1mkubo1_500.gif
Because I hate myself and believe I deserve no happiness whatsoever, I’m delving deep into Twitter today. That’s where I found a listicle called “3 Ways To Keep Your Woman from Cheating.” All three ways involve being a massive asshole. And then there’s this:
This advice works! Except when it doesn’t!
I was 9 years older than my classmates when I went to college. Apparently the whole concept of treating women like fully fleshed out adults, with their own needs, wants, and desires…is a fucking alien concept for kids now.
Well, all of this advice is coming from emotionally-stunted dopes incapable of forming an actual intimate bond with someone. So instead, they relying on a constant stream of emotional manipulation to mask they can’t actually emotionally control themselves.
I think my favorite part is how they treat their thinking as if it’s some amazing breakthrough in awareness when it’s nothing but a hardened emotional reaction.
Freshman year, I was stuck in the dorms with three young kids. Around the second semester, the one kid asked me how I learned my “game”. I had no fucking clue what he was talking about. So he showed me this website about it.
“Damn it…you do realize THIS is why we have to go to so many seminars to stop rapes happening on campus”
You touched on why my only good post-divorce connections have been with younger women, because I listen and care about what they have to say, and a subset of them are (temporarily) blown away by that.
They always go back to a douchebro in the end, though. Way of the fucking world.
Yeah they do.
I’m not even that old and I’ve largely ruled out younger (20-something) women. Just like a lot of men, a lot of them immature and chase emotional highs as opposed to seeking out actual connections. A past girlfriend dumped because he didn’t sufficiently “chase” her. I let her dump me because she didn’t seem to grasp what a meaningful relationship entailed.
I’ve noticed this is less of an issue with older women most of whom have gone through enough relationships to realize what they don’t want.
It’s a cyclical thing, and one set of behaviours reinforces a counter-reaction. The stupid induces the crazy induces the asshole induces the shallow, etc.
It’s why I’m better of hiding under my (empty) bed.
What you actually found is PK’s fanfiction.
That’s just sad.
Of course she won’t cheat. She’ll just dump your ass, then find a better guy.
Bro culture is terrifying:
This is beyond that. Bros are just douche dopes. They guys have intellectualized their emotional shortcomings and entitlement into some sort of life philosophy.
Brodom.
I rather like the sound of “Broanetics” personally.
Broentology.
Here’s the link, by the way, if you want to delve into the comments.
http://www.returnofkings.com/76238/3-ways-to-keep-your-woman-from-cheating
You may return with your soul entact. You’ve been warned.
phrases like “how tight your game is” make me SO GLAD to have given up dating for good.
But you must be thinking “certainly people age out of shallow shit like that?” My buddy’s wife was talking to her friends who were dating online at the same time as me (and all single professionals in my age bracket), and all of them said the first thing they checked out on a guy were his shoes, his watch, and his car.
FUCK EVERYTHING, HUMANITY.
Some people age out of it. Honestly, I was probably a choice or two from falling into a lot of this shit.
And frankly, the reason these shitty guys think all women are shitty is because they absolutely want the women who evaluate shoes, watch, and care ahead of everything else. They absolutely want the approval of shallow women and found being shallow is useful to that end.
I downloaded both seasons of Rick and Morty last night, and due to me not paying any sort of attention, I ended up watching Season II first.
It was hilarious. Loved every minute. So now, naturally, I am watching season I and enjoying the hell out of that, too. Thanks for the recommendation, peoples.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/a41a9c54ef9a3b971004e1da9a756258/tumblr_mxo4veXRAf1rn40b5o1_500.gif
fiddlesticks
You self control is admirable. I lack it…
http://49.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_magznsWojG1rxp0b7o9_r1_500.gif
Did I just see a Ford GT ad???
Have you noticed that you see more ads for luxury/sports cars than you do for standard cars these days?
Them what has the gold gets pandered to!
When did Houston hire Rex Grossman as their OC?
http://25.media.tumblr.com/333ee7ac80b77b99c3f5c4099ecc39fc/tumblr_mrw9gpKTSl1sxviy0o1_400.gif
I just got back from the grocery and liquor store. Have I missed any Rapeis level derpage in the second half?
http://giant.gfycat.com/NastyFrayedBantamrooster.gif
Never gets old.
The ref falling down is the topper of the derp-tastic sundae.
New Year’s Eve and it’s just like Christmas Eve. Sitting here at work by myself with fuck-all to do for the next 5 hours.
Apart from billing, weekly accounting, payroll, purchasing reconciliation, P&L statement.
Maybe I’ll find time to do a post for tomorrow.
When I get home at 5:00 this motherfucker is ON!
I’m not so sure he caught that football clean…..he says as he observes the officials call timeout to go review whether he caught the football.
Announcers suck.
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view5/3914195/darkplace-cabinet-pt1-o.gif
Exclusive look at FSU DC Charles Kelly’s game plan:
http://i.imgur.com/BdnQ86H.jpg
Yeah, there’s pretty much nothing I don’t hate about FSU.
http://www.refinedguy.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/82-Florida-State-Cheerleaders-Best-Cheerleading-Uniforms.jpg
Yeah, so what?
Not like they’re in short supply:
Haha!!! Your choice is amazing…I lived in the PHX area for a long time, hated ASU. But I was always aware that their coeds were awesome and were not to be lumped into my hatred when roaming around town scantily clad (which they did a lot).
When I was looking at colleges, I visited ASU. If it wasn’t for the fact their academics were… not as lofty as to where I eventually went, I would have gone there in a second.
If your faith in humanity is temporarily restored, #FSUTwitter is there to quash right out!
Why would my faith in humanity ever be restored?
why did you have any to begin with?
I was a child and didn’t know any better.
I was a pretty maudlin shit even as a kid. Despite having very kind, loving parents, etc. Self-awareness is a bitch.
I was a bright-eyed tool of the state until some friends gave me Everything You Know Is Wrong on New Year’s Eve 1999.
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51fgO%2Bl3OiL._SX258_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg
I really enjoyed this book.
Why would I ever want to go to FSUTwitter (hashtag intentionally left absent….THAT’S A FUCKING POUND SIGN YOU GODDAMN ASSHOLES)
IT’S A SHARP SIGN, GODDAMMIT.
ITS A NUMBER SYMBOL
It’s an octothorp, you philistines.
http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140310004650/fallout/images/b/b5/Exploding-head.gif
“Octothrope” would be a great villain name.
IT’S A TIC TAC TOE BOARD!
is it too early for scotch
Nah.
How?!? Why????
http://memeguy.com/photos/images/mrw-when-the-same-student-keeps-asking-stupid-questions-45476.gif
HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EVER A QUESTION????
better to be too early than too late
http://thereprisalizer.com/The_Reprisalizer/FINCHLAND_files/Finchland.png
WTF is the obsession with Kent?
You never seen “A Gun for George”?
Its a brilliant mini-film by the lead actor and writer of “Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace”, Matthew Holness.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fq0xt_gbVH0
I don’t know…I watched it again last night while really fucked up and I can’t get it out of my head…
Never heard of it.
It’s just that Kent is really boring.
That is is one of the underlying jokes of the movie. Basically the main character is this pulp fiction writer who can’t get publish anymore and is going insane.
Its a pretty dark comedy…
Got it.
FSU’s defensive coordinator is Charlie Kelly! Pretending to use “Charles” ain’t foolin’ me.
Ha!!!!
Amanda Seyfried’s reaction when I inform her that she will be my future wife…
http://www.gifmania.com/Gif-Animados-Peliculas-Cine/Imagenes-Actrices/Amanda-Seyfried/Amanda-Seyfried-73090.gif
How dare you!!!!!
http://rs56.pbsrc.com/albums/g182/HotHilaryDuff/Celebrity%20GIFs/AmandaSeyfried_zps20b04f28.gif~c200
Well fuck…that didn’t work out so well.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/d1281e6cb867d6c8283e919e402a5979/tumblr_mqbjszDYlb1sz380oo1_500.gif
I usually agree with you on many things, JSD. On this, we are worlds apart. Amanda is lovely.
http://www.matthiasvriensmcgrath.com/images/s_001959image.jpg
http://wallpapershacker.com/wallpaper/amanda_seyfried_hd-wallpaper-1494415.jpg
There it is!!!!
But to be fair, Gollum is kinda hot.
FYI…the Dubai FD spent like $200k a piece for 20 of these things…
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2015/11/13/10/2E67EE4200000578-3316798-image-a-38_1447411286515.jpg
Methinks not a single one will be “available” to use…
Oh look, George Lucas is being a whiny bitch because Disney made a Star Wars movie people liked more than his prequels.
The funny thing is that the point about making fan service movies being bullshit is a good point, but him acting like a whiny loser about it doesn’t serve his point at all. He can’t even do this right.
Well what pisses me off is that if he didn’t want people making movies that didn’t fit his stupid vision, he didn’t need to sell Lucasfilm. But he did! He made billions! And then he’s annoyed the Disney people said, “yeah, we’re going to do our own thing.” What did he expect?
Yeah, that’s pure Lucas idiocy right there. If he wanted to make his movies so damn bad, he sure could have. But he didn’t. And now they made theirs, fan service and all. Sour grapes, motherfucker.
Does this mean impending lightsaber fight between Lucas and *googles the CEO of Disney* Bob Iger?
Calling them “white slavers” would have rendered any good points he had irrelevant, if he’d had any.
http://images.slideplayer.com/14/4261336/slides/slide_21.jpg
to this very day…FUCK WISCONSIN
I bet that ball smells really good.
http://i244.photobucket.com/albums/gg33/DCOblivEon/GirlonBallGIF.gif
The rolodex of pressures is being used by Houston; can it compare to the xerox of fate though?
Not watching (still at work, smh), but can I assume that they DIALED UP the pressure? All Defensive Coordinators are given a special DIAL when they accept the DC position.
They apparently dialed a 1-900 number because they are paying for it later by giving up a touchdown
Huh…a massive hotel in Dubai is on fire…
http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/03538/dubai_fire3_3538905b.jpg
Methinks having an utterly corrupt government with little or no safety services, along with exploiting an imported workforce and encouraging builders to cut corners…was a bad idea…
is it wrong to hope the whole motherfucking city-state burns?
That’s their second or third major fire in a high-rise this year. Deregulation is clearly what’s right for the people. #Trump2016 #MakeMURICKABurnAgain
MOVE IT BITCH I HAVE A TRAIN TO MAKE
“Nationass Gifgraphics”
smgdh
That’s the best part.
Little in the middle but she got much back.
As a honky gentleman of a certain age, this reminds me of something…
Between this Macklemore crao and the Tamir Rice murder…I hate all you fucking honkies and we will rise up and get our own!
also, when in doubt KILL WHITEY
#whitegenocide
Chip Kelly doesn’t understand your complaints.
My TV is Macklemoringing at me.
I shot mine. I feel OK about my actions.
http://truthaboutguns-zippykid.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/courtesy-sodahead.com_.jpg
Okay as long as my TV macklesless.
I just got uninvited to a coworkers New Years Party…that I didn’t even know about and would not go to if I did.
I’m not sure how to respond…I mean besides the obvious of stumbling to the dudes house around 3am and taking a shit in his front yard…but that is my usual when I get fucking destroyed.
Is that the reason you got uninvited?
No…it shouldn’t be…I mean he has a big dog so there really isn’t a way for him to tell its me or the dog.
when in doubt SHIT IN PUBLIC
A good drive by is always a good way to say “fuck you”.
Make sure to take the plates off the car first tho. I can’t tell ya how many times THAT oversight has tripped me up.
How many of your friends are denizens of your State’s Penitentiary System thanks to that mishap?
The FBI WitSec fucker told me I couldn’t answer those sorts of questions.
“And don’t forget to cancel any home security services at least two weeks before you do it.”
-Aaron Hernandez
How about Trevone Boykin getting suspended for punching a cop? O TEH TAEKS THEY BE HAWT
Houston, I want to sincerely thank you for punking Jimbo and his traveling circus of probationers thus far.
But never forget, no matter what else you do, you will always be NC State’s bitch.
Now, take this with you….
http://i.imgur.com/gL5iep5.gif
I remember every second of that game, the entire magical run. I stayed home alone for the ACC final because my family had circus tickets and I flat-out refused to go.
Had no idea that was as good as things would ever get by a factor of like 100, but at least I really and truly DID appreciate it at the time.
oh shit, forgot to say I was 9. Lucky to have lived in an era when one could stay home alone at 9 without someone calling the county on ya.
I was 16. Sad to say that my sports fandom peaked that long ago (el beisbol birds won it all that year as well).
Been paying for that year ever since.
Jimmy V(RIP) is running around in heaven looking for people to hug.
That is meant affectionately my wolven sort commentists.
Well, he’s got Lorenzo Charles to hug now.
It’s bad enough dying young.
It’s even worse to die in a bus crash.
It’s fucking horrific when you die young in a bus crash and you’re the driver.
I’m not making this up….google him.
http://persephonemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/this-pleases-me-frog.jpg
http://www.octoldit.info/wp-content/uploads/communist-revolution1.jpg
THAT IS AN END AROUND NOT A REVERSE YOU DUMB FUCK
What’s differences of terms between sportscasters?
HOW IRONIC
http://sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/misanthropes-unite-not-really-fuck-off.png
The ESPNDeportes MNF crew is great! All they do is talk about the action on screen with relevant player tidbits, like how he played in college.
Oh, and the translation of football terms is insightful:
line of scrimmage – línea de ataque – attack line
penalty – castigo – punishment
2nd down – 2nda oportunidad – 2nd opportunity
Marvin Lewis – Neville Chamberlain – Damn Ninny
“castigo” is by far my favourite part
Yes, they’re really refreshingly good.
Wow, go Phi-Slamma-Touchdown.
Misanthropic Internet Shut-ins Unite!
Hey who are you calling misanthropic? I’m eccentric; and maybe eclectic; and misanthropic; but I am not a porn star.
I’ll bet you’re a communist too.
http://www.ammoland.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Arthur-Miller-600×401.jpg?5379f4
I would have called myself a Notre Dame fan if it meant I could marry Marilyn.
Uncle Joe hopes all Commentists are, da?
http://images-cdn.9gag.com/photo/5013870_700b_v1.jpg
It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement. The outside world doesn’t like me any more than I likes it.
That photo…Mark Dantonio, or late 80s/early 90s Ronny Cox?
http://www.diregiovani.it/codimmagine/13679/robocop.jpg
Of course J.J. Cosentino is from Yinnzburgh, with a name like that where else?
I have to admit, I don’t get the bitching about scheduling a college football playoff game at 8:00 p.m. tonight.
Because people have to find something to complain about.
I guess. New Year’s Eve is just waiting on a clock anyway. No one counts down until a minute or two before anyway. Why not watch football while waiting?
New Year’s Eve is an abstract concept that is inherently meaningless.
The only days a New Year’s celebration that was actually rooted in reality would make sense are the solstices and the equinoces.
Houston secondary obviously practices with the Benny Hill Theme playing on the boombox.
Ryan Seacrest’s….errr I mean Corpse-y Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve….I would literally prefer a colonoscopy.
Hmmm, mebbe I is wrong about dem Coogs?
Hopefully wrong about Sparty’s chances as well (think they are more likely to pull the upset than Clemson), though I suspect Boomer Sooner wins out regardless.
MIchigan St defensive line is pretty good, they might be able to stop Henry. And I just assume every part alabama is overrated.
I will only watch the ESPN Deportes feed if they promise to yell…
GGOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!1!!!!
Otherwise, no es bueno, and I can just listen to the guys that struggle to use the King’s English on the regular broadcast (or more likely just turn the fucking sound off and listen to music in the background like I usually do).
I prefer the English of queens.
-Rodgers
I’ll berl in erl, any of youse who speaks dat King’s English. I hate dose hipster meatheads in Brooklyn. Queens is da best borough.
-Archie Bunker
nnnbbbbbnnnvaccccccccccccccccccccqqwqvnç cacca tag sdddsat lGR
– Peter Gammons
We’re all on our way to hell, and damned fast.
P p purpel mon …. keee dishworser….
–Lee Corso
You stay classy, ‘Noles.
I hope Michigan State stomps a mudhole in Alabama’s collective ass and then walks it dry.
It won’t happen, but I can dream. Because tomorrow, my brother in law and his son will go on and on about ROLLLLL TIDE. (He is from Maryland by way of Southern California, so how in fuck he’s a ‘Bama fan escapes me.)
Even if they do lose, I would expect the roll tiding to continue.
I for one would love to see the B1G win two straight championships by rolling right over that damn tide. The Ess-Eee-Cee needs to be taken down a whole bunch of pegs. Or at least they need a really good pegging.
“Buh, buh, it just ain’ raght Pawwwwwwl. Those Yankees just ain’ allowed to beat us at footbaw. They’re cheatin’ jus’ like that eevil Sherman(both caller and Pawwwl spit and shiver at mention of Sherman) did back in the War fa Southren Independence. Nah, if we had a great man like Nathan Bedford Forrest, hallowed be his name,running a Ess-Eeeeee-Ceeee program, instead of Damnyankees like Saban or one of those people, like Summamabitch, the South would riiise again. (Slipping into refined unaccented English)Thank.you. I’ll hang up and listen to your erudite thoughts.”
I’m hoping for Sparty to win it all because
1) Fuck the SEC
2) (CSB alert) A dean at the office that my gf works at got his undergrad at my alma mater and his doctorate at MSU – and he gave us awesome tickets to a Bucks game!
3) The hot taeks could melt steel