Rednecks Galore JV National Championship Preview/Game Thread

Yes, the long winter of our discontent draws nigh. Wild Card, Bitches! weekend is past, and tonight ends the JV season. Remember, down the street, not across the tracks…

Alabama vs. Clemson (8:30, ESPN)

There are ample reasons to hate both teams. Nick Saban, obviously, drinks puppy blood and worships the Beast. Roll Damn Tide fans are the living embodiment of every Southern caricature known to mankind. The proud ignorance. The bad teeth. The rolls of fat packed into grossly inappropriate clothing. The barely (if at all) concealed racism. ALL THERE. Clemson, on the other hand, is a little different. Despite its “cow pasture in the ass crack middle of nowhere, South Cakalaky” setting, its travelling fanbase is generally known to be fairly polite and normal looking. But DEAR FUCKING GOD, Dabo Swinney. He can only talk in cliches, or in evangelical pablum. And the fucking media EAT IT UP. I remind myself this isn’t really the fault of Clemson folk as a whole (most of which fully admit that Dabo is a moron who simply sells the recruits, and more importantly, the mamas and grandmamas of same), but as a secular-minded, urban Southerner…his schtick really gets under my skin like a bad case of shingles. And FUCK HIM, he’s in the same conference and even division of my shitty footy side. The thought of him hoisting the trophy and yammering about Jeebus ad infinitum…ugh, let’s just say I am a true undecided voter in this one, like if it were somehow a Donald Trump/Ted Cruz GENERAL election.

On the field, I see the crucial matchup as Bama’s front four against Clemson’s somewhat wobbly OL. Let’s just say NC State was able to get some pressure on the Tiggers. BUT, and this is a crucial BUT…Deshaun Watson can make big plays with his legs and his arm if you flush him from the pocket. The Tide’s ability to keep contain within their pressure scheme will be the key to the game, along with their corners holding up.

For you’ns and I all know…they’uns ain’t keepin’ up in a pinball contest.

Here’s your pre-game pep rally song:

0 0 votes
Article Rating
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
Subscribe
Notify of
564 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
WCS

NOTEBOOK FLIES OPEN

Sill Bimmons

This would be where Kiffin outsmarts himself if we lived in a sane and just world.

Sill Bimmons

Sadly, no.

Horatio Cornblower

This Kevin Dies (sp?) kid is making himself some serious money tonight.

Horatio Cornblower

Dodd. Stupid 45+ ears

makeitsnowondem

Having Vince Young flashbacks.

Horatio Cornblower

So you’re having a second dinner?

WCS

Second first dinner, and then first second dinner.

The Maestro

I woulda thought he’d have gone for some Cheesecake Factory instead.

comment image

Old School Zero

comment image

WCS

If Watson played for Bama, the PAWLLL fans of the world would demand he be benched.

“DEM KIND OF PEOPLE CANT PLAY QB FOR THE TIED PAWLLL”

Sill Bimmons
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

Oh no. I saw what you did last night Moose. You knock that shit off and you knock it off right now!

theeWeeBabySeamus

You’re goddamned right!!!!!!

Brick Meathook

I’m rooting for Clemson because a long time ago I had a girlfriend who was a Clemson student and we took turns seeing who could fuck the hell out of the other. Youth is a wonderful thing.

Senor Weaselo

Who won?

Horatio Cornblower

She was from the Niagara Falls area; you guys wouldn’t know her.

Brick Meathook

NO LIE, BOYS.

The Maestro

Dabo does not approve of your heathen degeneracy!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I would rather see Clemson win too, because Roll Tide, etc. Unlike you I never had a dog in the race….

Croooow

Yuuuuuge play.

WCS

Okay. That was pretty impressive.

Senor Weaselo

Oh, right, it’s college football, where if each team scores 30 it’s a defensive struggle.

Horatio Cornblower

Holy fuck this game.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sweeney….SWEENEY?????
It’s SWINNEY motherfuckers.

Horatio Cornblower

I blame God.

Horatio Cornblower

‘Bama should have on-sides kicked that one too.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

David Lee Roth was close to suicide on this night….

WCS

While Bama fans love Drake now, in three years, he’ll just be another thug who only wants to do drugs, commit crimes, and continue bringing MURIKCA down.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I fucking hate Alabama.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

But if a god squadder like Dabo gets it in the balls, that’s OK.

Senor Weaselo

But unfortunately one of them has to win.

WCS

I guess Dabo. Dabo! DABO! didn’t pray enough for his kick coverage, either.

Spanky Datass

Ruh Roh Rhemson!

Horatio Cornblower

Way to bust the wedge Jesus.

-Dabo Sweeney

Sill Bimmons

Jeeeeeesssuuuuussssssssss buuuuuusssst theeeeeeee weeeeeeeedgggeeeeeeeeeeee

— Carrie Underwood

John Difool

Welp, this is over.

Senor Weaselo

Commence drinking? More?

theeWeeBabySeamus

That fucker is a fast fucker.

The Maestro

PAAAAAWWWWWWLLLLLLLLL

Sill Bimmons

Rats.

JustStopDude

Fuck I hate both these teams but this Championship Game has been a fucking blast!

The Maestro

Man, this Renfrow kid is fun.

Horatio Cornblower

You can’t teach that lack of melanin.

The Maestro

I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS

John Difool

If he changes his name to Renfrowski it’s a lock.

Sill Bimmons
Brick Meathook

GRITS FOR EVERYONE!

Horatio Cornblower

I for one look forward to Dabo blaming Jesus for confusing his secondary.

Brick Meathook

SQUAGELS

Horatio Cornblower

I remember Carlin saying something about wanting to hear someone blame the Lord for tripping him up behind the line of scrimmage.

Sill Bimmons

The best: “That woman who survived the plane crash? JESUS. Huh. Jesus wasn’t too keen on the other 363 passengers and crew, I guess…”

Horatio Cornblower

They were Moslems Sill, everyone knows that.

Sill Bimmons

Shoot.

ssi_bulldawg

ESS EEE SEEE!!!!!!

Horatio Cornblower

I don’t know but if I’m Clemson I’m going to move away from the “don’t cover anybody” coverage scheme.

Senor Weaselo

That’s a bold move, Cotton, let’s see how it works out for them.

WCS

ROLE DAM TYDE PAWL

The Maestro

HOLY SHIT

JustStopDude

OH SNAP!!!!

Horatio Cornblower

Dabo Sweeney is really making me want ‘Bama to win. And that’s a pretty high fucking bar Dabo.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ve been struggling with that myself.
It’s like ISIS vs The Taliban

theeWeeBabySeamus

PLEEZ TELL ME THE HIPPO IS STILL AWAKE AND SAW DAT SHIT….HE BE A WHOAR FOAR THE ONSIDER.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yay…Hippo be conscious.

The Maestro

THAT WAS FUCKING GUTSY THERE

Senor Weaselo

Oh god fucking damn it.

JustStopDude

Deadpool is going to be bad. Not Batman vs Superman bad…but bad still.

OH SHIT ONSIDE KICK!!!

Senor Weaselo

If it is, we all riot.

JustStopDude

I don’t think anyone could write a full Deadpool movie script. The dialogue has to be amazing or it gets annoying quick.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Spiderman is phoning his lawyer as we speak.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh BAMA, you fucking suck.
And by suck, I mean I hate you.
And by hate, I mean go die in a hole.
And by hole, I mean you fucking suck.

WCS

Change, “Oh, Bama” to “NOBAMA,” and you’ve got the Yellowhammer state’s official song.

Horatio Cornblower

While we’re fellating Lane Kiffin, here’s this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TvJy2Ot48M

Brick Meathook

WHERE CAN I BUY A NORTHROP GRUMMAN PRODUCT? I WANT ONE!

John Difool

Pledge your allegiance to ISIS

Horatio Cornblower

I’m no expert on the rules of football, (which gives me a lot in common with Mike Carey), but I’m almost positive you’re not supposed to push on the receiver’s head before the ball gets there.

Christ even my wife would throw a flag if I tried that.

theeWeeBabySeamus

She didn’t have any objections when I did it.

Horatio Cornblower

She’s OK with small objects.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Touché….asshole. 😀

Horatio Cornblower

Sorry man, the door was open so I walked in.

And stole all the good china.

Shogun Marcus

You best keep that away from any prying pbs eyes…they have ways…of making you pledge.

Old School Zero

I don’t get ESPN but I just gotta say that game can’t be nearly as tense and exciting as this episode of Antiques Roadshow from Spokane, Washington–HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT SET OF FINE CHINA FROM THE 1890’S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Horatio Cornblower

Judge Roy Moore is not gonna approve your wedding if you keep that shit up boy.

Old School Zero

RAISED GOLD DECORATIONS! MOTHERFUCKING TURQUOISE COLORING! DEMITASSE FUCKING CUPS!!!!!!! THAT SHIT’S WORTH UPWARDS OF $2,000 BITCHES!

Shogun Marcus

Did it go up or down since the last time it aired? I MUST KNOW!

Old School Zero

IF THAT FANCY ASS SHIT WAS SOLD TODAY, IT’D COST $10K, BUT THE FUCKING ANTIQUES COST LESS! WHAT THE FUCK!

Shogun Marcus

Oh the antique racket! She be a CRUEL UNCARING SHEBEAST OF PATINAS AND ORIGINAL HARDWARE. AND BLEERGH HELP YOU IF YOU ACTUALLY TRY TO MAKE THE SHIT ACTUALLY WORK OR LOOK DECENT!

Recovery Whiskey

Was Gonzaga’s Final Four trophy in there? No?

Shogun Marcus

What do I need to know in order to pretend I watched this?

The Maestro

Deshaun Watson: Good. Jake Coker: bad.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Herbstreit is still FAAAAABULOUS!!!!

Shogun Marcus

Never mind him, what of kiper? That big hunk of oxygen wasting hair candy…

John Difool
WCS

WE’S CALL DAT SUNDAY DINNER PAWWWLLL

Shogun Marcus

That was my breakfast circa ’92-’96.

Horatio Cornblower

I can’t wait for some ‘Bama fan to try to poison Clemson’s rock.

Senor Weaselo

It’s not very effective…

/Yes I had to double-check to make sure

WCS

I’S DUNT GITTIT PAWWLL I DUN DROPPED 20 POUNDS OF ROOT KILLER ON DAT ROCK PAWWLL AN IT STILL WONT DIE

theeWeeBabySeamus

I really hate rooting for Clemson.
GODDAMN YOU SPARTY!!!!!!!!

WCS

DANG IT PAWL HOWDAS DEM BOYS FROM SATH CAR-LO-NYE-A DUN BE BEATIN DEES GOOD OL TIDE BOYS PAWL?! DOSE BOYS AINT EVEN FROM DA ESSS EEEE SEEE PAWL I DUNNT MAKE NO SENSE PAWWWWWLLLLLLL