Yes, the long winter of our discontent draws nigh. Wild Card, Bitches! weekend is past, and tonight ends the JV season. Remember, down the street, not across the tracks…
Alabama vs. Clemson (8:30, ESPN)
There are ample reasons to hate both teams. Nick Saban, obviously, drinks puppy blood and worships the Beast. Roll Damn Tide fans are the living embodiment of every Southern caricature known to mankind. The proud ignorance. The bad teeth. The rolls of fat packed into grossly inappropriate clothing. The barely (if at all) concealed racism. ALL THERE. Clemson, on the other hand, is a little different. Despite its “cow pasture in the ass crack middle of nowhere, South Cakalaky” setting, its travelling fanbase is generally known to be fairly polite and normal looking. But DEAR FUCKING GOD, Dabo Swinney. He can only talk in cliches, or in evangelical pablum. And the fucking media EAT IT UP. I remind myself this isn’t really the fault of Clemson folk as a whole (most of which fully admit that Dabo is a moron who simply sells the recruits, and more importantly, the mamas and grandmamas of same), but as a secular-minded, urban Southerner…his schtick really gets under my skin like a bad case of shingles. And FUCK HIM, he’s in the same conference and even division of my shitty footy side. The thought of him hoisting the trophy and yammering about Jeebus ad infinitum…ugh, let’s just say I am a true undecided voter in this one, like if it were somehow a Donald Trump/Ted Cruz GENERAL election.
On the field, I see the crucial matchup as Bama’s front four against Clemson’s somewhat wobbly OL. Let’s just say NC State was able to get some pressure on the Tiggers. BUT, and this is a crucial BUT…Deshaun Watson can make big plays with his legs and his arm if you flush him from the pocket. The Tide’s ability to keep contain within their pressure scheme will be the key to the game, along with their corners holding up.
For you’ns and I all know…they’uns ain’t keepin’ up in a pinball contest.
Here’s your pre-game pep rally song:
NOTEBOOK FLIES OPEN
This would be where Kiffin outsmarts himself if we lived in a sane and just world.
Sadly, no.
the universe answered fastly
This Kevin Dies (sp?) kid is making himself some serious money tonight.
Dodd. Stupid 45+ ears
http://36.media.tumblr.com/f364c360805d8d6aa54f7c08c1ad5cfb/tumblr_nwt11iQtPi1rojphdo1_500.jpg
http://49.media.tumblr.com/346cf37f1b9ebd59905c2408948f0d0d/tumblr_nwoscf6UAx1tvav1do1_400.gif
Having Vince Young flashbacks.
INDEED
So you’re having a second dinner?
Second first dinner, and then first second dinner.
I woulda thought he’d have gone for some Cheesecake Factory instead.
If Deshaun Watson played for Alabama we could have gone to bed a long goddamned time ago.
If Watson played for Bama, the PAWLLL fans of the world would demand he be benched.
“DEM KIND OF PEOPLE CANT PLAY QB FOR THE TIED PAWLLL”
http://www.woo-spain.com/images/woo-logo-280×110.gif
http://56.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxhumutqix1qi23vmo1_500.jpg
Oh no. I saw what you did last night Moose. You knock that shit off and you knock it off right now!
You’re goddamned right!!!!!!
I’m rooting for Clemson because a long time ago I had a girlfriend who was a Clemson student and we took turns seeing who could fuck the hell out of the other. Youth is a wonderful thing.
Who won?
She was from the Niagara Falls area; you guys wouldn’t know her.
NO LIE, BOYS.
Dabo does not approve of your heathen degeneracy!
I would rather see Clemson win too, because Roll Tide, etc. Unlike you I never had a dog in the race….
Yuuuuuge play.
Okay. That was pretty impressive.
Oh, right, it’s college football, where if each team scores 30 it’s a defensive struggle.
Holy fuck this game.
Sweeney….SWEENEY?????
It’s SWINNEY motherfuckers.
I still maintain that sounds like a Steinbeck novel character.
I blame God.
‘Bama should have on-sides kicked that one too.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lmi3t3p1mW1qearaqo1_500.jpg
David Lee Roth was close to suicide on this night….
While Bama fans love Drake now, in three years, he’ll just be another thug who only wants to do drugs, commit crimes, and continue bringing MURIKCA down.
http://57.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3y15qqT6K1qe3p9bo2_500.gif
I fucking hate Alabama.
But if a god squadder like Dabo gets it in the balls, that’s OK.
The silver lining is that one of these coaches HAS to lose.
http://49.media.tumblr.com/82f3878334fbf2646ab8fedb47ce461c/tumblr_nt33juYjG21tde5j6o1_400.gif
But unfortunately one of them has to win.
I guess Dabo. Dabo! DABO! didn’t pray enough for his kick coverage, either.
Ruh Roh Rhemson!
All that grit was nice, but fast black dudes are pretty sweet too.
Way to bust the wedge Jesus.
-Dabo Sweeney
Jeeeeeesssuuuuussssssssss buuuuuusssst theeeeeeee weeeeeeeedgggeeeeeeeeeeee
— Carrie Underwood
Welp, this is over.
Commence drinking? More?
That fucker is a fast fucker.
PAAAAAWWWWWWLLLLLLLLL
Rats.
Fuck I hate both these teams but this Championship Game has been a fucking blast!
Man, this Renfrow kid is fun.
think of how many times Belicheat is gonna trade down in the draft to take him
You can’t teach that lack of melanin.
I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS
If he changes his name to Renfrowski it’s a lock.
http://bill37mccurdy.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/ahw6-renfro.jpg
GRITS FOR EVERYONE!
I for one look forward to Dabo blaming Jesus for confusing his secondary.
David Cross had an old bit. “Well, we were gonna win the game…until JESUS made me fumble.”
SQUAGELS
I remember Carlin saying something about wanting to hear someone blame the Lord for tripping him up behind the line of scrimmage.
The best: “That woman who survived the plane crash? JESUS. Huh. Jesus wasn’t too keen on the other 363 passengers and crew, I guess…”
They were Moslems Sill, everyone knows that.
Shoot.
ESS EEE SEEE!!!!!!
I don’t know but if I’m Clemson I’m going to move away from the “don’t cover anybody” coverage scheme.
That’s a bold move, Cotton, let’s see how it works out for them.
ROLE DAM TYDE PAWL
HOLY SHIT
OH SNAP!!!!
Dabo Sweeney is really making me want ‘Bama to win. And that’s a pretty high fucking bar Dabo.
WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE
I guess Dabo just didn’t pray enough ,, smgdh
I’ve been struggling with that myself.
It’s like ISIS vs The Taliban
PLEEZ TELL ME THE HIPPO IS STILL AWAKE AND SAW DAT SHIT….HE BE A WHOAR FOAR THE ONSIDER.
Yay…Hippo be conscious.
GLORIOUSLY OFFSIDE AND EVIL
THAT WAS FUCKING GUTSY THERE
Oh god fucking damn it.
HAIL SATAN
Deadpool is going to be bad. Not Batman vs Superman bad…but bad still.
OH SHIT ONSIDE KICK!!!
If it is, we all riot.
I don’t think anyone could write a full Deadpool movie script. The dialogue has to be amazing or it gets annoying quick.
Spiderman is phoning his lawyer as we speak.
Oh BAMA, you fucking suck.
And by suck, I mean I hate you.
And by hate, I mean go die in a hole.
And by hole, I mean you fucking suck.
Change, “Oh, Bama” to “NOBAMA,” and you’ve got the Yellowhammer state’s official song.
While we’re fellating Lane Kiffin, here’s this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TvJy2Ot48M
WHERE CAN I BUY A NORTHROP GRUMMAN PRODUCT? I WANT ONE!
Pledge your allegiance to ISIS
I’m no expert on the rules of football, (which gives me a lot in common with Mike Carey), but I’m almost positive you’re not supposed to push on the receiver’s head before the ball gets there.
Christ even my wife would throw a flag if I tried that.
She didn’t have any objections when I did it.
She’s OK with small objects.
Touché….asshole. 😀
Sorry man, the door was open so I walked in.
And stole all the good china.
You best keep that away from any prying pbs eyes…they have ways…of making you pledge.
I don’t get ESPN but I just gotta say that game can’t be nearly as tense and exciting as this episode of Antiques Roadshow from Spokane, Washington–HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT SET OF FINE CHINA FROM THE 1890’S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Judge Roy Moore is not gonna approve your wedding if you keep that shit up boy.
RAISED GOLD DECORATIONS! MOTHERFUCKING TURQUOISE COLORING! DEMITASSE FUCKING CUPS!!!!!!! THAT SHIT’S WORTH UPWARDS OF $2,000 BITCHES!
Did it go up or down since the last time it aired? I MUST KNOW!
IF THAT FANCY ASS SHIT WAS SOLD TODAY, IT’D COST $10K, BUT THE FUCKING ANTIQUES COST LESS! WHAT THE FUCK!
Oh the antique racket! She be a CRUEL UNCARING SHEBEAST OF PATINAS AND ORIGINAL HARDWARE. AND BLEERGH HELP YOU IF YOU ACTUALLY TRY TO MAKE THE SHIT ACTUALLY WORK OR LOOK DECENT!
Was Gonzaga’s Final Four trophy in there? No?
What do I need to know in order to pretend I watched this?
Deshaun Watson: Good. Jake Coker: bad.
Herbstreit is still FAAAAABULOUS!!!!
Never mind him, what of kiper? That big hunk of oxygen wasting hair candy…
Just these two things:
http://alabamapioneers.com/ap2/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/hotel-moon-pie-1024×768.jpg
WE’S CALL DAT SUNDAY DINNER PAWWWLLL
That was my breakfast circa ’92-’96.
I can’t wait for some ‘Bama fan to try to poison Clemson’s rock.
It’s not very effective…
/Yes I had to double-check to make sure
I’S DUNT GITTIT PAWWLL I DUN DROPPED 20 POUNDS OF ROOT KILLER ON DAT ROCK PAWWLL AN IT STILL WONT DIE
I really hate rooting for Clemson.
GODDAMN YOU SPARTY!!!!!!!!
DANG IT PAWL HOWDAS DEM BOYS FROM SATH CAR-LO-NYE-A DUN BE BEATIN DEES GOOD OL TIDE BOYS PAWL?! DOSE BOYS AINT EVEN FROM DA ESSS EEEE SEEE PAWL I DUNNT MAKE NO SENSE PAWWWWWLLLLLLL