Your [gets down on knees] “Please Chiefs, Just This Once!” Playoff Game Open Thread

Reporter: “The stakes are pretty high here, aren’t they?”

Coach Reid: [rolls eyes] “Of course they are-three quarters of an inch at the very least!. [enters trance, talks in monotone] And the twice-baked potato must have bacon in it. The salad must have bacon. The roasted asparagus must have bacon. [emerges from reverie] Mmmmm. Uh, next question?”

Oh, there’s a game with Reid coaching and you thought you might get through the intro without a food reference? Really? Okay, Gronk is questionable. Pats fans shout in unison, THE ONLY THING QUESTIONABLE IS YOUR DESIRE! ALL HAIL SAT-, WE MEAN BELICHICK. APOLOGIES, WE MAKE THAT MISTAKE MORE OFTEN THAN WE’D LIKE TO ADMIT. I’m sure that Gronk’s new “personal assistant” is going to whip him up some sort of special milkshake with extra warthog ovaries that will enable him to play. How important is it for Brady that his fave TE plays? His QBR rating drops from 80 down to 31 without him. The Chiefs front can and must get pressure on the Pats QB-Brady’s O-line has given up 38(!) sacks this year. Speaking of questionable, WR Maclin and his high ankle sprain made the trip but he’s iffy-there’s only so much warthog parts to go around. He and TE Kelce combined for 49% of all pass targets this year. Yet Another Injury Note: WR Antonio Brown has been ruled out of this game as well as tomorrow’s tilt against Denver. KC’s O looks to be on QB Smith’s shoulders but he seems to up to the task. Since the winning streak started he’s passing downfield a bit more, has rushed for more first downs than RB West and six out of ten times his QB rating has been above 100. Perhaps this weird Chiefs mojo will continue-wouldn’t that be great?

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

If there WERE football gods, the Pats would have been punished for throwing there.

Ergo there is no God.

Horatio Cornblower

The Football Gods were angered by that arrogance, but were still too pissed at the Chiefs’ clock management to intervene.

Let’s face it, unless the defender ran the ball all the way back there’s no way the Chiefs were getting another TD,

Old School Zero

Oh goddamn it

entropy

“How do they do it?”

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

King Hippo

Serious. They did something dumb as fuck and luckily got away with it.

...

“Patriot magic” is a pact with fucking Satan.

Moonbatting Average

Good God

WCS

Just spent 15 minutes dealing with an overflowing toilet, AND having to change the cats’ sandbox. An apt metaphor.

entropy

You had a better time than those of us watching this.

Horatio Cornblower

Did you call two timeouts early with the litter box and then fail to do anything about the overflowing toilet until the floor collapsed?

makeitsnowondem

Relegate the Chiefs.

blackroseMD1

That was easily the most stupid drive by any team I’ve ever seen in all my years of watching football.

They could replace Andy Reid with an actual walrus and get better playcalling and clock management.

indieguy

how much bitching will occur if pats lose here?

Horatio Cornblower

“Who’s the best receiver on the Patriots?”

“Uh, probably Gronkowski?”

“What side of the field is he on?”

“Looks like the right side Coach.”

“Kick it right.”

Kungjitsu

Don’t they have to investigate Andy Reid for point shaving?

Horatio Cornblower

The only thing Andy Reid shaves is steak.

Smithchez

Why is Dan Fouts using the word “execution” so much? Is he trying to signal a hitman or something?

King Hippo

safe word?

Brick Meathook

HERE YA GO GRONK HAVE THIS BALL

WCS

The biggest surprise of this entire game is that Andy Reid still has all three timeouts with a minute to play in the fourth.

entropy

Reid’s halftime adjustments were that he took all that criticism of using two timeouts in the first quarter to heart, and decided he would never, EVER, use a timeout again. EVER.

Sill Bimmons

Actually, I don’t find it surprising at all.

Worst. Time. Management. Coach. EVAH

Sill Bimmons

Complete shitbaggery.

...

WELL GOOD THING THEY HAVE THOSE THREE TIMEOUTS LEFT.

Sill Bimmons

Does the man even understand the concept of the timeout?

Sill Bimmons

This is The End…

ThePirateSloth

It’s like Reud thinks there’s another quarter to play.

Moonbatting Average

“Perfect execution”? I agree, they just shot themselves in the face

King Hippo

That’s why I say hey man, nice shot.

entropy

I give up. I would rather watch the entirety of any NCIS show than this clusterfuck of football. This is insipid. A local pee-wee football team has better clock and field awareness than this supposed professional team. Someone pelt Reid with cinderblocks at the end of this “game.”

Brick Meathook

i really like this photo

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah, you all laughed at Andy’s saving all his time-outs, but now when they recover the on-sides kick, he’ll have all three left!

/Patriots recover

Well shit.

Smithchez

Wow, Kansas City, that touchdown and the four fucking minutes you just wasted might have given you a chance.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Just an onside kick and a field goal away from covering!

Sill Bimmons

Just.

The.

Worst.

Fucking.

Thing.

Ever.

indieguy

WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This game reminds me of Mike Huckabee. It’s slow, dumb, and I fucking hate it.

Horatio Cornblower

It also has no chance of being remembered after this season.

...

For Andy Reid coached teams, “two-minute drill” actually refers to the time you’ll spend putting holes in your own head watching his team play at the end of a game.

Smithchez

Jesus Christ. This is the worst clock management I’ve ever seen. And not just for an Andy Reid team. For any team ever. How can you come out of the two minute warning inside the 10, run one bullshit underneath route, and then have to huddle up for 20 seconds?! It’s insane.

indieguy

Looks like an old jimmy fallon and tina fey bit

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Close….

Claymaker

SMITHIAN CLOCKONOMICS

Horatio Cornblower

This is absolutely ridiculous. The Patriots could walk off the field and the Chiefs would burn the rest of the time off the clock coming up with the right play to get in the end zone.

entropy

WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU ASSHOLES FUCKING DOING ON THAT FIELD?! YOU ARE DOWN TWO GOD DAMN TOUCHDOWNS AND YOU ARE PLAYING FOR A FUCKING FIELD GOAL!!!

I am gonna break something soon.

King Hippo

WHAT IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE SHITDICKS?

makeitsnowondem

traviskelcejerkoffmotion.gif

tundrajim

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HUDDLING?!

Moonbatting Average

This is amazing

Brick Meathook

ANDY REID vs CLOCK MANAGEMENT:

WHO YOU GOT?????

King Hippo

the clock

King Hippo

Andy Reid REALLY makes me want to give heroin a try.

The Maestro

The only thing slower than Andy Reid’s offensive tempo is the cook time for his top-secret rib recipe.

Sill Bimmons

Andy Reid coaching, Ladies and Gentlemen!

Just good enough to make you stop caring that they never actually win anything of significance.

...

It’s as if he’s completely incapable of using a timeout appropriately.

Horatio Cornblower

He’s saving his time-outs for overtime.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Moar food, eh Moose?
Fine, I’ll eat it.

entropy

The Chefs are not knocking on the door, they are tapping timidly at the side basement window, hoping someone in the attic hears the light sound and politely allows them entrance to the mudroom.

Sill Bimmons

Clinking on the pipe in their solitary cell, hoping to gob that Andy Dufresne takes them with him.

Smithchez

This time management is vintage Andy Reid. First and goal with 2:37 remaining, three timeouts, and a two score deficit? A run up the middle, and let the remaining 34 seconds run off the clock instead of getting another play off.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

If Dan Fouts thinks your clock management is stupid, you’re stupid and should feel stupid.

Horatio Cornblower

Andy Reid sends the FG squad out in two plays

...

Holy shit, Andy Reid hasn’t used a single timeout yet.

ThePirateSloth

GO THE FUCK OUT OF BOUNDS