Bear with me, folks. I am REALLY crunk.
This has almost happened before. The Hippo Bowl. My favourite team, since I was two years old (the Denver Broncos – it makes no logical sense, but my mom will attest that it is indeed true), and the team that represents my hometown of Charlotte, North Cakalaky. But instead of both sides losing, both emerged victorous this icy January Sunday. I am content with whatever fate brings my way in two weeks time. Cam vs. PeyPey. Riverboat Ron vs. Strokey Kubes. This is ALL. GOOD. SHIT.
I will not lie to you good people. I died a thousand deaths in the early matchup. PeyPey was masterful in the first drive of the game, and virtually invisible thereafter. Fortunately, Von Miller and Wade Phillips came to play, and they brought their A games. AND THEN SOME. It took every last inch of effort they had, but they JUST BARELY held on in the end, as our Canuck seer Litre_Cola predicted, 20-18.
FACK YOU, Brady. FACK YOU, Barstool Sports. FACK YOU, Jeeeeeeeeeem Nantz, blatantly cheering for the Pats so obviously that even Dick Vitale would ask you to tone it down a bit. The Denver Broncos and Gary Muthafuckin’ Kubiak are going to Super Bowl L, whether you like it or not.
And they just might be running into a Mack truck. A smiling Mack truck led by Cam Newton, having humiliated the supposedly evenly matched Arizona Cardinals, 49-15. If you want to find something to be pessimistic about, you just hope Cam and company didn’t peak too early, for it’s hard to imagine anyone playing better than Carolina did Sunday night.
On the flip side…Carson Palmer. Yeesh. Way to give credence to every ginger/daywalker stereotype out there. There is shitting the bed, and there is what Carson Palmer did in Charlotte on 24 January, 2016. Jesus Tapdancing Christ. Burn that film without reading.
I apologized in advance…this is not a long writeup. It’s an emotional night for me, when lots of shit could have gone very wrong, but didn’t. And I am grateful, as I am grateful for you, the DFO readers, for putting up with me all season. Thanks to each and every one of you.
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Thank YOU Hippo.
(And Fat Hump Nation is pulling for your Donks because Peyton)
that somehow looks way worse than when I initially typed it
fuckin Nyquil man
I looked through the game thread a bit and one could add all the DFO P*ts fans and Manning haterz up and not come up with as much bitching, moaning, condemning players on “his” own team to being the the WORST EVER, fretting, pearl clutching, etc. than Hippo did all by himself. Well, good job being an average Bronco fan. Don’t forget they won and there are 15 other AFC teams pissed about it…..maybe 14 because Browns.
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At least Rae Carruth will get to watch the game.
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A Super Bowl where I don’t hate either team, and actually would be happy to see either side win?! WITCHCRAFT!
I fucking HATE the Broncos, but I love you, Hippo. Congrats.
don’t worry, this be our last ride for a long while. Do good things with the AFC West crown.
You’d feel better if your team wasn’t giving blowjobs for meth out behind the dumpster.
*At least the dumpster is not on fire.
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So you think that JEEEEEM was rooting against PEDton? LOL no. He only cheers for someone to come up to the booth and murder his partner. As we all do.
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If there is one decent thing about today, it’s that the Card’s FAIL* will be mostly glossed over as NFL fans focus their attention on throwing dirt on the grave of Brady’s 2015 season.
*is FAIL still an internet thing?
Epic, Bro
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Found myself in one of the wealthier parts of Charlotte yesterday and ran into a Harris Teeter (almost wasn’t allowed in since I didn’t have a Panthers jersey on) but I started a very unscientific poll. Keuchly jerseys – 4,340. Cam jerseys – 0. I’ll have to go out later to buy beer on my side of town (redneckistan) and see if this holds up at the lower end grocery stores, though I expect instead of jerseys it will be Make America Great hats. But that’s later, right now I’m off to teach their kids that “yes, you did come from a monkey.” Thus the beer.
/wonders what it would be like to teach evolution where all the students just looked at me and said, “well, duh”
“Yes, you did come in a monkey.”
– Gronk’s friends, recounting what happened after he blacked out from drowning his sorrows.
“What is it, Beansie? What’s wrong?”
– Mike Zimmer
“Looky here, you golddang atheist librul, if we all came from munkeys than why inna HELL are there still munkeys around?”
/jumps into pickup, sticks wad of tobacco in mouth, checks to see if “Obummer” sticker is still on rear window, drives off
Pitch perfect.
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How was Totter?
This Panthers team is the real representative of a unified Carolina. I still remember when they tore down the wall and, after years of passing along samizdat Muhsin Muhammad t-shirts, all South Carolinans at last could travel to North Charlotte and purchase official Steve Smith jerseys. Democracy prevailed. What a time to be alive! (I got more like this History Channel; call me.)
Big cheers for Hippo. I really hope you enjoy every last bit of the next two weeks.
The History Channel: “Yeah, thanks Don, but we don’t actually do anything on history any more. Got anything on aliens, or maybe Atlantis?”
Or a barn full of really old shit that Laurel and Hardy here can pillage thru for an hour?
To Patriots Shadenfreude day:
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Now that that’s out of the way, Congrats Hippo and all you other Donks fans.
HAPPY PATRIOTS SCHADENFREUDE DAY!!!!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
My favorite moment of the day (other than the pouty face Dreamboat had on at the end of the game) happened after I turned off the Panthers’ beatdown of the redbirds: Keuchly’s interception for TD when the guy fell out of the stands. Not the fun of the guy falling, but Keuchly, in a celebration of the biggest game of his career, stops and checks to see if the guy’s OK.
Me, I would’ve jumped over the guy and headed for the bench. But I’m an asshole.
P.S. My head hurts. Fucking ouch.
The dog across the street will not stop barking. Ugh.