Your “Finally!” And “It’s All Over After This?!” Super Bowl Open Thread

Well, somehow we made it. I’m so glad that we didn’t have to turn the car around due to bad behavior. Does everyone know which teams are playing? That’s what I thought. Between that and Hippo’s excellent breakdown of the game I’ve nothing to say about that end of things but I would like to share with you some “behind the scenes” tidbits about this very site that I think you might be interested in. I’m not going to name names…just yet.

Way back in 2007 the founder of this site, a grizzled, PTSD-wracked veteran of 3 tours of the second invasion of Iraq (anyone that has a beef with this version of events can take it up with me in the boardroom tomorrow morning) decided that there should be a new-ish football site. With a ton of moxy and just one good arm he created “Abandon Hope All Ye Football Fans That Enter”. That site was a disaster. I mean, it was right there in the title. Who the hell would want to join? Years later, after his extended recuperation at the St. Tunison Sanitarium For The Hopeless he decided to give it one more go.

It was a super-tough haul, putting this site together with nothing more than used scotch tape and pigeon feathers but he got the damn thing to work. But would Door Flies Open fly? A number of lawyers flocked to the site but it was immediately apparent that as a result, the site lacked “any sense of a moral compass”, according to internet pundits. At that point the site was opened up to almost everyone. Normal people came to the site in the dozens-including yours truly.

What followed was a ton of hard work. Night after night, huddled together in a dumpster underneath a single street lamp, we batted around the questions. “How can we take this site to the next level?” and “Is no one going to throw some pizza crusts in here?-I’m hungry!” and “Could you please not urinate on my pizza crust?”. We learned a lot about each other. Who knew that someone could be triggered by two exclamation marks but not one or three? And the hygiene, OH, THE PERSONAL HYGIENE!

So here we are now. We’ve morphed into a mid-major behemoth of a football-specific website that is bound to knock off a #2 or #3 ranked site as soon as we’re allowed back into the tourney. “Ongoing Pattern of Irregular Prescriptions”, my ass. The Internet is clearly out to get “The Little Site That Could”. We’ll survive and thrive…and maybe, just maybe, I can finally get that $12 Toys R Us coupon I was promised at the outset…

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Sill Bimmons

Plunkett deserves to be in the HOF more than Stabler.

Spur

+100000000000

Kungjitsu

Cannot concur. Plunkett was pretty much 1980’s Eli, while 1970’s Peyton, except drunk.

Kungjitsu

Ken Stabler was 1970’s Peyton, except drunk.

Wakezilla

I like how the NFL will spring for the NFL MVPs to show up at Levi Stadium but are too cheap to buy Super Ball I footage

Spur

Fuck those Steeler assholes! Randy White needs to punch Bradshaw.

John Difool

This Superbowl tribute is fuckin awesome

Sill Bimmons

Generally speaking, yes.

But not in SB X.

4 catches for 161 yards and a TD.

Two of the most amazing catches ever.

That day, he was the best.

Spanky Datass

Welp, guess I gotta turn on the TV.
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ballsofsteelandfury

My thoughts exactly.

Sill Bimmons

Shame the Swannie turned into such a Teatard douche.

ballsofsteelandfury

To be fair, he was always a douche. I always preferred Stallworth.

Sill Bimmons

When I was a kid I went to Steelers camp every year, and one year he took me and my sister aside, let us wear his SB rings and showed us the plans for his new house on the hood of his Camaro.

He was a god to me.

Senor Weaselo

Pre-emptive “Suck it Dreamboat you wish you were in the locker room!”

Spur

STAUBACH! STAUBACH! STAUBACH!

Spur

Bart Starr ain’t flying fucko’s!

The Maestro

Joe is fucking hammered.

Doktor Zymm

Is anyone else really nervous about something awful happening to Thomas Davis playing with a broken arm?

ballsofsteelandfury

Won’t he be wearing a heavy cast? I think the damage may be worse on the guy he hits with that thing.

Doktor Zymm

He’s wearing a pad, but it’s soft shell, not a cast. They’re saying the cast is the plate he had surgically installed, internal cast.

Wakezilla

Favre, Naimaith and Letterman? Will we see Bill Cosby for the sexual harassment grandslam?

Sill Bimmons

There’s no “I” in “sexual harrassment” or “Namath.”

ballsofsteelandfury

Sex Panther Report #6 – I am now sleepy.

Before you ask, yes.

Sill Bimmons

Good.

Glad that’s settled.

Spur

No Cowboys SB highlights? Fuckers!

Brick Meathook

Where was Angela Lansbury?

Sill Bimmons

Kevin Bacon is god and I’ll fight you anytime, anywhere if you say different.

Sill Bimmons

Is Letterman growing an Unabomber beard?

Redshirt

What happened to Big Bird’s voice and when did Letterman become Amish?

Senor Weaselo

I also asked myself what was going on with Big Bird’s voice, but I wondered if it was just me.

Sill Bimmons

OH DEAR GAWD STAWP WITH THE FUCKING BEARDS

The Maestro

BETTY WHITE HITTIN THE DAB

Dick E. Phuck

David Letterman looks like the Rabbi at my old shul.

Senor Weaselo

Thought we had wing sauce, but we didn’t, so I got a bottle of Texas Pete and Louisiana as my basic burner sauces and I’ll add some of this and that. And while I was at it, picked up a six-pack of Speakeasy Prohibition.

Sill Bimmons

Beer + wing sauce = better wing sauce

Redshirt

Peyton v3.5 35% downloaded

Doktor Zymm

OH NO HE’S STILL BUFFERING!

Doktor Zymm
Senor Weaselo

That is still excellent.

John Difool

Unlike some cheese and wine, this never ever everer everest gets old.

Damn your black heart

ballsofsteelandfury

I’ve avoided all SB-related programming. At what time does the actual game start? 3:40 Pacific?

The Maestro

3:30 if kickoff is on time. It probably won’t be. There’s probably a prop bet you can take somewhere on that.

Redshirt

Survivor is still going on?!

King Hippo

As long as there are actress/waitresses (and there reverse gender equivalents) in LA willing and able to famewhore themselves for it, then forever yes.

JustStopDude

I seriously fucking hate Joe Namath.

Oh look…Bret Farve.

The NFL is doing everything it can to force me to change the fucking channel.

What is this…the NFL’s salute to sexual harassment?

Wakezilla

Sexual Harassment Panda is charging up

How’s Joe sober

John Difool

He was sober?

Wakezilla

Still drunk

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

CGI, wasn’t it obvious? He almost looked still alive as well

The Maestro

He’s never sober. Don’t kid yourself.

Spur

I said it in the last post, FUCK Uproxx! They killed and salted our old home KSK. What is dead may never die!

Wakezilla

Some would say we are the OG Syrian refugees

The Maestro

I still think about Daunte Culpepper every time I watch the Panthers.

Oh, what might have been. Such a shame about that knee.

John Difool

To keep up with the unapolegetic blackness of the Carolina Panthers I hear there will be a halftime video of Kuechly and Olson doing a drive-by shooting and robbing a Korean liquor store.

Spur

Who’s psyched for Coldplay at halftime?

John Difool

Gwyneth Paltrow?

Wakezilla

How can you say everyone is healthy when guys are playing with broken bones?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

No clue where this Rashida pic is from, I enjoy it though

http://hahagifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/rashida-jones.gif

Recovery Whiskey

HI FUCKERS.

SEATTLE DECIDED TO LET SOME OTHER TEAMS WIN THIS YEAR.

SO FUCK YOU AND ENJOY YOUR SUB PAR SUPERBOWL.

HOPE SOMEONE WINS. GO TEAM.

Phil & Jeem time…who’s got the bleach.

Sill Bimmons

Curiously there are no “ear bleach” images.

The Maestro

Rashida Jones turns 40 this year??? Holy shit. I’m legitimately in shock. She might just be the most attractive 40-year-old on the entire planet.

King Hippo

Seriously.

Also applies to Naomi Watts.

Spur

Ted Ginn Jr dropped passes over/under? 4?

Sill Bimmons

Not only will imgur images not post, nothing that doesn’t end in .jpg, .png or .gif will post either.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Hi, I’m Bill Cosby and I’d like to talk to you about Sex Panther beer!

Horatio Cornblower

I’m off to watch at least the first half elsewhere. May the best of two teams I don’t care about win!

Spur

Jerome Bettis does not belong the HOF.

Recovery Whiskey

In the HOF of screwing Seattle, you betcha. He’s a founding member

Spanky Datass

I stopped the vid a minute in just to come back here and say HOLY SHIT THAT’S COOL!

/restarts video

ballsofsteelandfury

This is awesome!

Gratliff

Welp, players are warming up and I’m already full. Gina sleep through like 3/4 of this probably.

JustStopDude

It takes 18 weeks to make the rings, but only about two weeks for a retired player to hock it to pay for their medication…

ballsofsteelandfury

Banner quote? I think so.

Wakezilla

Watching the pregame with my dad. He’s like a 5 year old in that he’s repeating every talking point the Fox football guys are saying. Now he’s asking why Peyton doesn’t use Brooklyn instead of Omaha. I don’t think I brought enough booze

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Rashida Jones making out while wearing glasses. I hate everyone on the CBS crew, you are getting more pics, sorry.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/5e6731d646c06fa7fc70e1ee5db375d6/tumblr_mifpdgeBJC1r04w4bo4_250.gif

The Maestro

I don’t save many of these, but you can bet your ass I saved this one.

makeitsnowondem

Our first Super Bowl, ladies and gentlemen. Proud to be a part of this. Go Broncos.

JustStopDude

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King Hippo

WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spur

So Peyton is old and Cam is black. I think I’m getting it now.

King Hippo

Sing with PeyPey!!

“I-am-old-and-he-is-black!”

Recovery Whiskey

Old White Guy versus In His Prime Black Guy