Dario Was Robbed! – Your Wednesday Night Open Thread

That's good hustle!
That’s good hustle!

I think we can all agree that the 2016 Westminster Kennel Club dog show is annual appointment television. [The Open Thread comments last night were delightful.] The German Short-haired Pointer won, partly (in my mind) by just not being the Shih Tzu, and was a handsome selection. But the real winner was Dario the Leonberger, who stole the crowd’s hearts while he tried to rip open the treat pocket of his handler. It probably gave Cam Newton flashbacks, and Michael Vick ideas.

Quick observations:

  • In what appears to be a media-69, SI is reporting Bill Simmons’ new site will be called “The Ringer”, in a shocking lack of both irony and knowledge of Johnny Knoxville movies. Over/under on Kirk Lazarus quotes appearing in the comments is 1.5 days.
  • Jerod Mayo apparently announced his impending retirement from the Patriots today, and somehow that makes the 49ers defence even worse. I look forward to Jim Nantz drooling over a 7th-round pick Belichick turns into the next Junior Seau.
  • For those who care, pitchers & catchers reported today for Spring Training. (Insert obligatory Aaron Rodgers “What?” joke here.)

The games:

NBA: last day of the All-Star break, or as George Karl calls it – “reprieve”.

College hoops has some nice games on the dial. The ones that stick out to me are:

  • #1 Villanova at Temple (7:00 EST) – over/under on Cosby references is 0.5; on batteries thrown is 8.5
  • Syracuse at #18 Louisville (7:00 EST) – must be a hooker convention in town
  • #23 Providence at #8 Xavier (7:00 EST) – hope the Pope gets the Deuce in Juarez
  • #20 Duke at #5 UNC (9:00 EST) – in one of the usual “the rest of America roots for meteor” games
  • Colorado at USC (11:00 EST) – the warm glass of milk you’ll need before bed

NHL: only three games scheduled: (translations here)

  • Les Alouettes Glace, with the worst record since December, trundle into the Kroenke Pepsi Center to take on the Ice Kroenkes Broncos. (8:00 EST)
  • the Ice Bears, looking like Cup favourites again (I just threw up a little typing that) look to extend their road winning streak against the Ice Giants. (8:00 EST)
  • in probably the least enjoyable of the three games tonight – but what else are you going to do, talk to your family? – the Ice Vikings, fresh off mauling the Ice Liouns on Monday, take on the Ice Stampeders in Calgary. (10:00 EST)

At this point, all 7 Canadian NHL teams are out of the playoff races. Good thing the MLS season starts March 6th, and the CFL season starts June 23rd.

Barring all that, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” is on at 10:00 EST, and hopefully one day it gets a rivebrog on BBM. It’s my first time doing this – I AWAIT YOUR SCORN!

 

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Subscribe
Notify of
277 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Sill Bimmons

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus
Lothar of the Hill People

Janay Rice would like to contact the tabby to help it work on its apologizing skills

theeWeeBabySeamus

She has a big cherry.

Sill Bimmons

comment image

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I made a small plate of nachos with taco meat that I went light on with everything but hot sauce. I had eaten fairly recently so I made a small plate. What I ended up with was mostly hot sauce. I am not saying it wasn’t good just there is no way this doesn’t lead to heartburn later

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fire in the hole.
Lothar’s health club Brice kid might get salsa tomorrow apparently.

montythisseemsstrangetome

Lothar, can you teach this guy to use a toilet?

Lothar of the Hill People

In my land, we use a trench, or we just shit on the sacred places of other tribes, just like the Malheur Militia.

Lothar of the Hill People

We think the thing that most pushed my son to using a toilet was that he was making these massive turds, and pooping in a diaper, he was getting the turd stuck and his asshole was having to stay open until he could find a way to get the turd to wiggle into his diaper enough.

It took him only a couple times on the potty before he realized that shitting on the toilet, there was room for his turds to drop and then his poor little asshole could close up again, rather than being forced open.

There’s a political metaphor in there somewhere, I think…

montythisseemsstrangetome

YAY SCIENCE

Lothar of the Hill People

Oh, funny story time.

Lothar Junior (now all of 3.3 years old) has had a major breakthrough over the past 2 weeks, going from being very resistant to using the potty, to dry most nights and pissing & shitting exclusively in the adult toilet. This has been a revolution that Lothar Senior has celebrated, using copious amounts of bourbon (coincidentally, the same strategy that Lothar Senior uses to lament his 6 year-old daughter masturbating herself sore).

Today, I go to the fitness club–it has a supervised kids’ area, so I can get a workout in while the spawn are entertained in a safe environment. Lothar Junior checks in at the club, and, as he is newly potty-trained, the staff puts a special sticker on his back to indicate that he’s allowed in the bathroom by himself.

I come down to pick him up after my workout, and Lothar Junior runs up to me and gives me a big hug. I ask him if he went potty and he shouts “YES!” like he just slew his first elk. I asked him if it was poop or just pee, because he still hasn’t mastered the idea of wiping his ass, and while the staff at the fitness club is remarkably good with the kids, they don’t wipe asses. He yells “I POOPED!”

Suddenly one of the staff members gets a horrified look on her face and says, “Oh my GOD, I KNEW Brice didn’t have pudding!”

Apparently, as my son doesn’t flush (he likes to show us the fruits of his labors, so to speak), this Brice kid fished a turd out of the toilet and…

…well, Brice is going to have a very rough childhood if he keeps that up.

Thankfully, Lothar Junior is too young for me to have to explain to him.

theeWeeBabySeamus

That went a totally different way than I was expecting.
Thanks for that.

Sill Bimmons

Do you like cheese sticks?

comment image

WCS

I MUST HAVE IT

Sill Bimmons

What are you, a gay Packers fan?

Lothar of the Hill People

AKA: Aaron Rodgers’ towel boy

montythisseemsstrangetome

I wish basketball refs had to throw a flag when there’s a foul.

HAIL BLEERGH

Shogun Marcus

Even Bleergh doesn’t demand THAT much worship!

bourb0nblues

Thus Spake Shannon

montythisseemsstrangetome

Wait, what? A non-top ten Duke hasn’t beaten a ranked NC in Chapel Hill since 1958? TAKE THAT, PhD CANDIDATES IN STATISTICS

Sill Bimmons

comment image

Sill Bimmons

comment image

Sill Bimmons
Lothar of the Hill People

Another question for the party, given that I’m new to most whiskys of non-Irish extraction:

I’m about to finish my premiere bottle of Bulleit. Any suggestions where to go from here? I liked it, but it didn’t make me do handsprings. I like bourbon-barrel aged beers, so maybe something a little, I dunno, fuller bodied?

I’m a fan of Irish whiskeys, but when it comes to beer I like malty beers with a deep profile. So I’m not sure what bourbon should be my next purchase. I’m pretty sure I’m not cut out to be a (highland) Scotch drinker: smokiness is not a desired attribute in what I drink.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

First of all, on the Irish, have you tried Connemara? It’s the only peated Irish whiskey, so I consider it a gateway to my favorite scotches.

On bourbon, what are you looking for? Sweeter than Bulleit? More or less intense? If you want an easy sipping Bourbon, I’d recommend Basil Hayden’s or Four Roses, but a lot depends on profile.

Lothar of the Hill People

I guess the Bulleit was good, a little spicy but not too much so.

I like Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Ale and New Holland’s Dragon Milk (bourbon-barrel aged stout). As both brews have a fuller, rounder flavor imparted by the bourbon-barrel aging, I was thinking bourbon was going to be a deeper, richer flavor than what the Bulleit had. The Bulleit was more aromatic than what I was expecting.

I like Irish whiskey because it’s very light and aromatic, and I guess I was thinking (from my beer drinking) that bourbon was more like a bass guitar to whiskey’s fiddle.

I haven’t tried much scotch. Pretty much every experience I’ve had with scotch was bad, but I have no idea what the fuck I had, so maybe I was drinking peated paint thinner.

ballsofsteelandfury

I have sweet tooth myself, so I gave Jim Beam Maple a try and it was fairly good. No smoke and not too sweet.

Lothar of the Hill People

When I was a kid, my parents raised show dogs. By the time I was 9, I had been to a dozen states and hundreds of dog shows. We had, on average, two litters of puppies a year in the house.

I don’t hate dogs; I’ve just had a whole lifetime of them packed into my first 18 years.

So I just pass on the whole Westminster circle jerk, thanks. Talk about people who think their shit don’t smell–those people don’t think their dogs’ shit doesn’t smell.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey look!!! It’s “GO METEOR” time.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I actually live in the same county in which the game is occurring, so small meteor plz.

theeWeeBabySeamus

On second thought….a shockwave killing me is a small price to pay for turning Chapel Hill into a huge crater.
BRING IT ON!!!!!!

montythisseemsstrangetome

Is it Manning vs. Brady again?

WCS

Spending the night in the hospital (wifey’s getting a procedure in the morning), and these Philistines don’t get FXX. I also didn’t set the DVR. No new Sunny for WCS.

AVENGE ME, COMMENTISTS! AVVVEEEENNNNNGGGGEEEE MMMMEEEEEEE!!!!!

Shogun Marcus

I hope the best for your wife. I too will be without sunnyness. Dark times in the realm.

WCS

Appreciated.

Try what Seamus said using FXNow. I don’t know when the latest episode will post there, but, I’m rewatching Being Frank right now.

theeWeeBabySeamus

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

You poor bastard.
Doesn’t FXNOW stream it live?

WCS

This may work!

KITTEN MITTONS FOR ALL

Sill Bimmons

Hope everything goes well!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Hope everything goes well with internet mom’s procedure. You always worry a bunch no matter what is getting done. Best wishes, god that sounds funereal. My thoughts are with you tonight

But the missing Sunny is on you, spend the next couple hours in a waiting room learning how to steal a show online on your phone.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I saw this dog and immediately thought about watching Eddie Lacy run

http://24.media.tumblr.com/d7abe475aebb8b7eb2ff836788afad8b/tumblr_n33ikdxdLa1toamj8o1_400.gif

Shogun Marcus

A lot of these dogs have no tags. Anti-vax Cutler dogs?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Kyle Orton in dog form

comment image

SonOfSpam

Doggy Manziel:

comment image

SonOfSpam

Jason Pierre Paw:

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ha…nicely played.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That was well done; no peeing on the floor!

SonOfSpam

Lookout it’s DogeJ Simpson!

http://i.imgur.com/xQuRZ.jpg

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ouch.
I am going to hell for laughing at this….but then again I was on that heading already so no harm done.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Greg Hardy in dog form…
comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

Cam Newton in dog form (PtDeux)…
(he is bad at teh fumbles recoveringz)
http://blogimg.goo.ne.jp/user_image/7b/12/e3a514673e5167036f0c80b7f0a688e1.gif

Sill Bimmons

Does nicotine gum work?

I don’t smoke cigarettes, I just want to know if it’s better or worse than coffee.

http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Bill-Murray-Groundhog-day-waking-up.gif

King Hippo

my non-imaginary buddy (I DO actually have a small handful) quit smoking after about 20 years, and the gum DOES work for him. He goes through a metric fuckton of it, still.

Of all the reasons, he quit because he was flying to Europe with his wife, and didn’t to go through the “murderous rage” phase (so long in smoke-free zones, then stuck running to a smokers’ station) and spoil the vacation.

Shogun Marcus

I find it meh for buzz. Tastes like shit. To me the smoke break is more about the break itself, the cigarette is a happy addition. And I have coffee too. A nonsmokers experience could differ greatly.

King Hippo

I was/am a lucky bastard. ALWAYS been strung out on caffeine (if I don’t get some in my system by 11:30, I will start getting the most god-awful withdrawal headaches), and the one time I did blow…I REALLY fucking liked it. Fuck…the next morning, though. I did not handle “the blues” well at all.

But cigarettes never did fuckall for me. Probably smoked a total of 12 in my lifetime, to give me something to do with my hands at a club when I wasn’t 21 and I couldn’t get an illicit beverage for some reason.

Don T

Smoking makes me alert, helps concentration, the throat burn is as enjoyable as having a stiff drink, and blowing smoke is just like being a fucking dragon man! And smokers pay a shitload in taxes, so there’s that also.
Yeah, tobacco companies are the worst. I shouldn’t smoke.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

What this guy said

Shogun Marcus

This iPhone privacy thing…
Why is it the first thing privacy advocates leap to is “My pictures, my pictures!” How many goddamn dickselfies do you have on there chumley? “No, no…my children, THE CHILDREN!” Oh. So the 20,000 pics you put up of your kids pudding party, day at the zoo, first trampoline orgy, etc. on facebook that you NO LONGER OWN, those are ok. But the ones on the phone, that’s too far. Again I ask…what kind of pics involving your kids do you have on there slappy?

King Hippo

I guess YOUR kids must just not be that sexy ,, smgdh

Shogun Marcus

I’m at zero and holding. I understand their view, but they way they leap to that so fast it makes you wonder. To paraphrase Bill Hicks, the more virulently you fight something, the bigger the skeleton in your closet.

King Hippo

Bill Hicks might have been a lesser visionary than George Carlin, but still a goddamned visionary.

If one is worried about privacy, one probably wouldn’t be dicking about with Apple products on teh Facebook to begin with. Caveat emptor.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Well, since people’s phones have become so intricately intertwined with their lives, it is (or at least should be, for rational people) less about pictures and more about everything else. Passwords, personal information (SSN, etc.), banking details, all that kind of stuff ends up your device. I fucking hate Apple, but I agree with their stance on this one. I think they’re also being disingenuous about it (if a backdoor is possible, they already have one), but ultimately when you buy a computing device it’s YOURS to do with what you will and if that includes encrypting everything on it then such is your right.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Heh heh…you said “backdoor is possible”.

Shogun Marcus

Completely agree with all of that. I’m just saying they need a better go-to first response. Little creepy.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Cam Newton in dog form…
(his driving is questionable…sad I felt the need to explain this one proactively…probably time to quit)
http://www.gifbin.com/bin/032015/dog-runs-into-pole-during-agility-event.gif

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

One of a dog rolling over would have been better, I think. This could have been a Gus Frerotte one.

theeWeeBabySeamus

The Boston Terr with the big red ball would’ve worked well for Cam, but sadly I had already used that one before the “in dog form” theme popped into the noggin.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I grew up during the Bulls dynasty and had the Learning to Fly video and all that other MJ stuff, but why the fuck am I supposed to give a shit about his birthday?

indieguy

so who’s in charge of spoofing the “who is Daniel Holtzclaw?” clusterfuck?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yep.

Sill Bimmons
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Donovan McNabb in dog form:

http://forgifs.com/gallery/d/198937-2/Dogs-humping-puke.gif

/not sure how the humping fits in but I will never tire of this gif.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Party ’til you puke, muddafukka’s!!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Peyton Manning in dog form…
comment image

Sill Bimmons

I’m willing to bet that Bill Simmons hasn’t read the bible much.

Among the wrathy parts there are actually a few bits of wisdom to be found here and there:

1 Corinthians 13:11 (KJV)
11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

Bill Simmons is clearly unfamiliar with 1 Cor 11:13.

I didn’t know what The Ringer or Kirk Lazarus were, so:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ringer_%282005_film%29

The plot of this movie in one image:

comment image

Which, I might add, aired in 2004. The Ringer was released in 2005.

So Bill Simmons named his HBO thing after a 10-year-old Johnny Knoxville movie about faking a handicap to get into the Special Olympics. I’ll bet that’s not the only thing he calls The Ringer.

I mean, call it The Wringer (or WRringer, or wRinger). That’s sort of clever in a sports-newsy way. WEAH GONNA PUT YAH THRU THAH WRINGAH

Or The Ringerer. LIEK THAH RINGAH BUT MOAH

And there’s certainly no one being brought on who doesn’t know their their exact place in the hierarchy:

http://www.3ammagazine.com/3am/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/tumblr_mm3063Hk7L1r2j4dro1_500.jpg

All that for this.

Grantland 2: Stupidly Named Soft Reboot Boogaloo.

http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/bml.gif

Best of luck with that, Billy.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Maybe the whole thing is just a tribute to noise that Wes Welker is constantly hearing in his head.

Sill Bimmons

Oh.

That was a joke.

Oh.

I’ll be over here…

comment image

Sill Bimmons

Wait, did he name the site after the movie on purpose or not?

Sill Bimmons

it has to be, right?

scotchnaut

“Man, those Canuckians really know how to put together an open thread!”

-Anonymous Commenter

theeWeeBabySeamus

He gets mad props from me for not giving in to the “Battle of the Blues” mutual fellatio-fest.
Duke and Carolina (and ESPN of course) try to convince everyone how much they love this game. Even my GD mother asked me today who I thought would win tonight?

I don’t fucking care who wins Ma!!!! Moar Meatloaf!!!!! Fuck!!!!
comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus

Also….NOT a catch…
comment image

scotchnaut

This gif will never, ever, EVER fail to make me laugh.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Gotta admire his enthusiasm, even if not his technical presentation.

Sill Bimmons

comment image

Sill Bimmons
theeWeeBabySeamus

Murrica, Baybee!!!

Spanky Datass
King Hippo

No worries, Jeb! We had already assumed you had a comically small penis before you went and confirmed it all over teh twitter.

Sill Bimmons

I REALLY want to see the date on the receipt for that gun.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Receipt? No no, if you’re a white male you can walk into a gun store and they’ll just give it to you.

http://www.nbc.com/the-tonight-show/content/sites/nbcutsjf/files/styles/snl_320x180/public/images/2015/02/06/140207_2722804_white_like_me_anvver_3.jpg

King Hippo

Eddie Murphy’s BEST WORK EVAR

Sill Bimmons
1 2 3