It has been less than two weeks since Super Bowl Sunday, which means you may be Jones-ing for some serious NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE action. With the NFL draft not until the end of April and training camps still 6 months away, it’s seriously worth taking a look at alternate entertainment like Balls’ AFL coverage, puzzles, and even béisbol. If you can’t live without any NFL #content, though, the shield has already started churning out mock drafts. The damn scouting combine doesn’t even start until February 23rd, but hey, your favorite team’s website is probably already repackaging the mock draft choices of NFL.com “experts” to show there isn’t consensus on who should be picked where. These guys are EXPERTS who watch film during their sleep and yell out Spider2YBanana! during sex and know so much more than the rest of us that we should take their word as gospel and etch their predictions into stone tablets with which to bash Mel Kiper in the head 3 months hence. And to be clear, fuck Mel Kiper and everyone else who has made a career out of making NFL draft predictions without any accountability when they’re egregiously wrong. H/t to blaxabbath for the banner image, and it perfectly encapsulates the spirit of this mock draft takedown. Given that I watched exactly zero NCAA games last year, I am the perfect DFOer to critique NFL.com’s first mock draft of 2016 posted earlier this week by mocking as many of its constituent parts as possible. To be upfront, here’s the link to the mock draft I’m dissecting in this post: http://www.nfl.com/draft/2016/mock-drafts?icampaign=draft-sub_nav_bar-drafteventpage-mockdraft
1) Tennessee Titans
Needs: Offensive Line, Inspirational Coach, To Exist Beyond the Imagination of the Late Bud Adams
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: Chad Reuter, Lance Zierlein, and Bucky Brooks all pick Laremy Tunsil, OT from Mississippi. I am convinced that none of the four names I typed are actual people that exist, and I plan to mock the first three throughout the entirety of this post. Daniel Jeremiah, who looks like Adam Schefter designed him with Anthony Michael Hall while wearing a bra on his head, believes the Titans will select Joey Bosa, DE from THE Ohio State University.
BFC “Analysis”: WRONG! THESE IDIOTS HAVE IT ALL WRONG!! Kidding, of course. I have no idea who either of these players is, so sure, they seem like legit possibilities for Tennessee. And dammit, Daniel, we want consensus number one picks so we can mock the front office when they do something different. I guess if we want unanimous consent, we’ll have to get it from one of the other owners.
2) Cleveland Browns
Needs: New Front Office, Quarterback or AA sponsor for Johnny Manziel, Defensive Line, More Kerosene
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: Apparently all four of these guys think the Factory slacked off for Goff.
BFC “Analysis”: I think the Browns taking another QB in the first round is a lot like Mike Millen drafting WR after WR for Detroit, so they’ll probably do it. Having never watched Goff play a game in college, I can guarantee that he will be a failure, just like everyone else on this jersey:
3) San Diego/Los Angeles Chargers
Needs: A man, a plan, a canal? Or they could do the smart thing and build up the line on both sides of the ball
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: Chad and Bucky apparently go to the same lame country club and think BOLTMAN will be cheering on Ronnie Stanley, OT from Notre Dame, while Daniel thinks Tunsil will still be on the board here. Lance “the worst parts of Ian Ziering and Steve Beurlein” Zierlein thinks the Chargers will go defense and take DeForest Buckner, DE from Oregon.
BFC “Analysis”: Allow me to take a moment to remind you all that these mock drafts are COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS AND YOU CAN’T MAKE COMPARISONS BETWEEN THE DRAFTS BECAUSE ONE DIFFERENT PICK EARLY THROWS OFF WHO’S ON THE BOARD LATER AND THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE. Ok, glad I got that off my chest. I would imagine Marmalard would be in favor of a big guy upfront who can offer him better protection than he affords his wife’s uterus.
4) Dallas Cowboys
Needs: Defense, Running Back, Players who don’t channel their rage toward women
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: Bucky and Lance think JJ will replace Greg Hardy’s onfield presence with the aforementioned Bosa. Chad and Daniel, meanwhile, have put on their matching pastel shorts with lobsters on them to doubt that JFF or RGIII v2.0 will solve the ‘Boys problems at QB, and that they’ll roll with QB Carson Wentz from North Dakota State instead.
BFC “Analysis”: BWAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHA. Fuck the Cowboys with a rusty pie server.
5) Jacksonville Jaguras
Needs: Defense, Defense, Defense, a nice flat near Savile Row, and a Jaxson de Ville comeback tour
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: Three out of four idiots think Jalen Ramsey, CB from Florida State, will get to play in Shahid Khan’s pool. Daniel Jeremiah thinks those guys are full of shit and stakes his reputation on it being DeForest Buckner.
BFC “Analysis”: Just kidding, these guys don’t have reputations and are never held to account for being wildly inaccurate year after year despite changing their picks fifteen times between the combine and the draft.
6) Baltimore Ravens
Needs: Offensive Line, Several Defensive Positions, Manscaping Artist for Flacco
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: Chad–Bosa; Lance–Stanley; Bucky–Vernon Hargreaves, CB from Florida; Daniel: Ramsey. Our first pick where none of these guys agree. Is it because mock drafts are hard, or is it because these are meaningless near-random lists that are less than the wafts of a fart compared to the meat of regular season football?
BFC “Analysis”: The latter.
7) San Francisco 49ers
Needs: Quarterback, Anti-Early Retirement Proselytizer, Marriage counselor for Chip Kelly and any players he has inherited
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: Chadwick and Buckaroo seem to think the 49ers need a WR for the Flow to grow, so they predict Laquon Treadwell from Ole Miss. Lance and Daniel may think Chip Kelly can succeed with anything he has on offense and think Myles Jack, OLB from UCLA fits the bill.
BFC “Analysis”: If Chip Kelly is allowed in the war room, I’m sure he’ll be clamoring for any Ducks on the board. Maybe we can all get our wish and he’ll deal a bunch of picks to Tennessee for Mariota. Hopefully the Niners learn from Philly’s mistakes and send Chip on a recruiting trip during the draft so they can rebuild with linemen and defensive upgrades so they can compete with Carlos Hyde carrying the workload in low scoring affairs.
8) Miami Dolphins
Needs: Defensive Back, Offensive Line, Fewer Owners
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: Our fearful foursome all agrees on defense for the Dolphins but not which position or player–the aforementioned Hargreaves and Jack, and then Chad leans toward a player who would continue to uptick in Shaqs in the NFL (Lawson, the DE from Clemson) and Daniel thinks the Dolphins would be wise to pick a LB from Notre Dame that I refuse to believe isn’t Will Smith’s kid, Jaylon Smith.
BFC “Analysis”: The Dolphins need defense like Dan Marino needs anger management. Which is to say they really need defense.
9) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Needs: Defensive Line, Offensive Line, Emotions for Lovie
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: All defense—Hargreaves, Lawson, Daniel picks tOSU DB Eli Apple, and “Toughest Name” Zierlein says Clemson DE Kevin Dodd.
BFC “Analysis”: YARGH! Here we go: these four have Hargreaves at 6, 8, 9, and 11, which may sound like it’s all about the same, but it’s a gap between a projected $3,402,430 salary at 6 and $2,368,521 at 11. More importantly, now we have two teammates at Clemson who are either both amazing and deserving of top picks or just benefited from not getting double teamed every play. What does Lance know that Chad and Bucky don’t? None of the other three has Dodd until pick 17, yet Lance is taking him here at 9 with his “better” rated teammate still on the hypothetical board. You know what I think Lance knows? Here’s a hint. Of course with that said, Dodd will definitely have the better NFL career purely based on that assertion.
10) New York Giants
Needs: Defensive Line, Offensive Line, Head Coach with a Real Name, Fresh Juice Boxes for Eli
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: One quick clarification: on the needs, I’m drawing some of those from my own opinions based on the past season but also leaning on NFL.com’s assessments of needs to get a sense for how their “experts” then align. And even though NFL.com says the Giants need defense, defense, defense, and wide receiver, Daniel Jeremiah believes they’ll take a running back, Ezekiel Elliott from Ohio State. Maybe he’ll be right, but regardless, this is stupid. Oh, the other guys think the Giants will take DE DeForest Buckner (who the other two guys took off the board at 3 and 5) or OLB Jaylon Smith (who is slotted between 8-17 in this mock).
11) Chicago Bears
Needs: Quarterback, Offensive Line, Linebacker, Defensive Back, Defensive Line, Non-McCaskey Ownership, More of a Presence on DFO
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: Chad thinks the Bears will take OLB Myles Jack from UCLA, who of course was off the other three guys’ boards in rounds 7 and 8, so that’s great fictitious value. Daniel is the outlier on thinking Hargreaves will fall to the Bears here. The other two jackholes have new names for us: DT A’Shawn Robinson from ‘Bama and his teammate LB Reggie Ragland.
BFC “Analysis”: The Bears obviously need help rebuilding a defense that has aged worse than a Basil Hallward painting. In that regard, any of these picks would be in a position to contribute right away. Of course, I also pine for the days when a team could swindle say the Saints or Vikings out of a boatload of second, third, and fourth rounders in exchange for a first rounder and change since this team needs a lot of parts to go from a game above .500 to being poised to win a playoff game or (Lord willing) three. With the draft in Chicago again, I’m sure my fellow Bears fans will treat their draft pick like a welcome member of the family regardless of who it is. BAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH. Anyway, these four “experts” pulled their picks out of their ass, so I’ll say the Bears take Carson Wentz if he falls to them, lighting a fire under Smoking Jay Cutler’s ass that will come in handy when the Bears are in a position to compete after they fire John Fox in a year or three.
12) New Orleans Saints
Needs: Not gonna lie, I NEED to stop doing this. I got through my Bears, I can’t handle the rest of this list. The players available are all over the map since the four of these guys don’t follow shared team needs or anything other than seemingly random choices. There’s no point in going beyond the top ten picks. So let’s skip ahead to the Patriots’ first round pick.
N/A. New England Patriots–Forfeited First Round Pick Due to DeflateGate