Mock YEAH!

It has been less than two weeks since Super Bowl Sunday, which means you may be Jones-ing for some serious NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE action. With the NFL draft not until the end of April and training camps still 6 months away, it’s seriously worth taking a look at alternate entertainment like Balls’ AFL coverage, puzzles, and even béisbol. If you can’t live without any NFL #content, though, the shield has already started churning out mock drafts. The damn scouting combine doesn’t even start until February 23rd, but hey, your favorite team’s website is probably already repackaging the mock draft choices of NFL.com “experts” to show there isn’t consensus on who should be picked where. These guys are EXPERTS who watch film during their sleep and yell out Spider2YBanana! during sex and know so much more than the rest of us that we should take their word as gospel and etch their predictions into stone tablets with which to bash Mel Kiper in the head 3 months hence. And to be clear, fuck Mel Kiper and everyone else who has made a career out of making NFL draft predictions without any accountability when they’re egregiously wrong. H/t to blaxabbath for the banner image, and it perfectly encapsulates the spirit of this mock draft takedown. Given that I watched exactly zero NCAA games last year, I am the perfect DFOer to critique NFL.com’s first mock draft of 2016 posted earlier this week by mocking as many of its constituent parts as possible. To be upfront, here’s the link to the mock draft I’m dissecting in this post: http://www.nfl.com/draft/2016/mock-drafts?icampaign=draft-sub_nav_bar-drafteventpage-mockdraft

Let’s roll:

1) Tennessee Titans
Needs: Offensive Line, Inspirational Coach, To Exist Beyond the Imagination of the Late Bud Adams
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: Chad Reuter, Lance Zierlein, and Bucky Brooks all pick Laremy Tunsil, OT from Mississippi. I am convinced that none of the four names I typed are actual people that exist, and I plan to mock the first three throughout the entirety of this post. Daniel Jeremiah, who looks like Adam Schefter designed him with Anthony Michael Hall while wearing a bra on his head, believes the Titans will select Joey Bosa, DE from THE Ohio State University.
BFC “Analysis”: WRONG! THESE IDIOTS HAVE IT ALL WRONG!! Kidding, of course. I have no idea who either of these players is, so sure, they seem like legit possibilities for Tennessee. And dammit, Daniel, we want consensus number one picks so we can mock the front office when they do something different. I guess if we want unanimous consent, we’ll have to get it from one of the other owners.

2) Cleveland Browns
Needs: New Front Office, Quarterback or AA sponsor for Johnny Manziel, Defensive Line, More Kerosene
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: Apparently all four of these guys think the Factory slacked off for Goff.
BFC “Analysis”: I think the Browns taking another QB in the first round is a lot like Mike Millen drafting WR after WR for Detroit, so they’ll probably do it. Having never watched Goff play a game in college, I can guarantee that he will be a failure, just like everyone else on this jersey:
3) San Diego/Los Angeles Chargers
Needs: A man, a plan, a canal? Or they could do the smart thing and build up the line on both sides of the ball
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: Chad and Bucky apparently go to the same lame country club and think BOLTMAN will be cheering on Ronnie Stanley, OT from Notre Dame, while Daniel thinks Tunsil will still be on the board here. Lance “the worst parts of Ian Ziering and Steve Beurlein” Zierlein thinks the Chargers will go defense and take DeForest Buckner, DE from Oregon.
BFC “Analysis”: Allow me to take a moment to remind you all that these mock drafts are COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS AND YOU CAN’T MAKE COMPARISONS BETWEEN THE DRAFTS BECAUSE ONE DIFFERENT PICK EARLY THROWS OFF WHO’S ON THE BOARD LATER AND THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE. Ok, glad I got that off my chest. I would imagine Marmalard would be in favor of a big guy upfront who can offer him better protection than he affords his wife’s uterus.

4) Dallas Cowboys
Needs: Defense, Running Back, Players who don’t channel their rage toward women
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: Bucky and Lance think JJ will replace Greg Hardy’s onfield presence with the aforementioned Bosa. Chad and Daniel, meanwhile, have put on their matching pastel shorts with lobsters on them to doubt that JFF or RGIII v2.0 will solve the ‘Boys problems at QB, and that they’ll roll with QB Carson Wentz from North Dakota State instead.
BFC “Analysis”: BWAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHA. Fuck the Cowboys with a rusty pie server.

No, rustier

5) Jacksonville Jaguras
Needs: Defense, Defense, Defense, a nice flat near Savile Row, and a Jaxson de Ville comeback tour
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: Three out of four idiots think Jalen Ramsey, CB from Florida State, will get to play in Shahid Khan’s pool. Daniel Jeremiah thinks those guys are full of shit and stakes his reputation on it being DeForest Buckner.
BFC “Analysis”: Just kidding, these guys don’t have reputations and are never held to account for being wildly inaccurate year after year despite changing their picks fifteen times between the combine and the draft.

6) Baltimore Ravens
Needs: Offensive Line, Several Defensive Positions, Manscaping Artist for Flacco
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: Chad–Bosa; Lance–Stanley; Bucky–Vernon Hargreaves, CB from Florida; Daniel: Ramsey. Our first pick where none of these guys agree. Is it because mock drafts are hard, or is it because these are meaningless near-random lists that are less than the wafts of a fart compared to the meat of regular season football?
BFC “Analysis”: The latter.

That is an ELITE rubber ducky

7) San Francisco 49ers
Needs: Quarterback, Anti-Early Retirement Proselytizer, Marriage counselor for Chip Kelly and any players he has inherited
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: Chadwick and Buckaroo seem to think the 49ers need a WR for the Flow to grow, so they predict Laquon Treadwell from Ole Miss. Lance and Daniel may think Chip Kelly can succeed with anything he has on offense and think Myles Jack, OLB from UCLA fits the bill.
BFC “Analysis”: If Chip Kelly is allowed in the war room, I’m sure he’ll be clamoring for any Ducks on the board. Maybe we can all get our wish and he’ll deal a bunch of picks to Tennessee for Mariota. Hopefully the Niners learn from Philly’s mistakes and send Chip on a recruiting trip during the draft so they can rebuild with linemen and defensive upgrades so they can compete with Carlos Hyde carrying the workload in low scoring affairs.

8) Miami Dolphins
Needs: Defensive Back, Offensive Line, Fewer Owners
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: Our fearful foursome all agrees on defense for the Dolphins but not which position or player–the aforementioned Hargreaves and Jack, and then Chad leans toward a player who would continue to uptick in Shaqs in the NFL (Lawson, the DE from Clemson) and Daniel thinks the Dolphins would be wise to pick a LB from Notre Dame that I refuse to believe isn’t Will Smith’s kid, Jaylon Smith.
BFC “Analysis”: The Dolphins need defense like Dan Marino needs anger management. Which is to say they really need defense.

9) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Needs: Defensive Line, Offensive Line, Emotions for Lovie
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: All defense—Hargreaves, Lawson, Daniel picks tOSU DB Eli Apple, and “Toughest Name” Zierlein says Clemson DE Kevin Dodd.
BFC “Analysis”: YARGH! Here we go: these four have Hargreaves at 6, 8, 9, and 11, which may sound like it’s all about the same, but it’s a gap between a projected $3,402,430 salary at 6 and $2,368,521 at 11. More importantly, now we have two teammates at Clemson who are either both amazing and deserving of top picks or just benefited from not getting double teamed every play. What does Lance know that Chad and Bucky don’t? None of the other three has Dodd until pick 17, yet Lance is taking him here at 9 with his “better” rated teammate still on the hypothetical board. You know what I think Lance knows? Here’s a hint. Of course with that said, Dodd will definitely have the better NFL career purely based on  that assertion.

Biggest improvement last season: Tampa Bay janitorial staph

10) New York Giants
Needs: Defensive Line, Offensive Line, Head Coach with a Real Name, Fresh Juice Boxes for Eli
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: One quick clarification: on the needs, I’m drawing some of those from my own opinions based on the past season but also leaning on NFL.com’s assessments of needs to get a sense for how their “experts” then align. And even though NFL.com says the Giants need defense, defense, defense, and wide receiver, Daniel Jeremiah believes they’ll take a running back, Ezekiel Elliott from Ohio State. Maybe he’ll be right, but regardless, this is stupid. Oh, the other guys think the Giants will take DE DeForest Buckner (who the other two guys took off the board at 3 and 5) or OLB Jaylon Smith (who is slotted between 8-17 in this mock).
BFC “Analysis”:
11) Chicago Bears
Needs: Quarterback, Offensive Line, Linebacker, Defensive Back, Defensive Line, Non-McCaskey Ownership, More of a Presence on DFO
NFL.com “Experts'” Picks: Chad thinks the Bears will take OLB Myles Jack from UCLA, who of course was off the other three guys’ boards in rounds 7 and 8, so that’s great fictitious value. Daniel is the outlier on thinking Hargreaves will fall to the Bears here. The other two jackholes have new names for us: DT A’Shawn Robinson from ‘Bama and his teammate LB Reggie Ragland.
BFC “Analysis”:  The Bears obviously need help rebuilding a defense that has aged worse than a Basil Hallward painting. In that regard, any of these picks would be in a position to contribute right away. Of course, I also pine for the days when a team could swindle say the Saints or Vikings out of a boatload of second, third, and fourth rounders in exchange for a first rounder and change since this team needs a lot of parts to go from a game above .500 to being poised to win a playoff game or (Lord willing) three. With the draft in Chicago again, I’m sure my fellow Bears fans will treat their draft pick like a welcome member of the family regardless of who it is. BAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH.  Anyway, these four “experts” pulled their picks out of their ass, so I’ll say the Bears take Carson Wentz if he falls to them, lighting a fire under Smoking Jay Cutler’s ass that will come in handy when the Bears are in a position to compete after they fire John Fox in a year or three.

12) New Orleans Saints
Needs: Not gonna lie, I NEED to stop doing this. I got through my Bears, I can’t handle the rest of this list. The players available are all over the map since the four of these guys don’t follow shared team needs or anything other than seemingly random choices. There’s no point in going beyond the top ten picks. So let’s skip ahead to the Patriots’ first round pick.

N/A. New England Patriots–Forfeited First Round Pick Due to DeflateGate

 

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation’s capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy

BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation’s capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.

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Doktor Zymm
Member

The only thing that would be better than the Pats having no 1st draft pick would be if they somehow managed to trade their non-existent pick to another team for a bunch of real later round picks.

Senor Weaselo
Member

So… the Browns?

blaxabbath
Member

“I’m listening….”

-Dan Snyder

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Isn’t Joey Bosa “Deez Nuts” the same guy who got thrown out of his last college game for spearing some poor SOB right in the chest?

Oh yeah, gonna be a treat rooting for the Cowboys again this year!

blaxabbath
Member

I’m no Bosa apologist (and generally don’t care for OSU) but I did see the Fiesta Bowl play that got him ejected and it’s the softest fucking targeting penalty I’ve ever seen. One of those, “well, yeah, technically he led in with his crown after the ball was thrown” but, to me, it looked like one of those early game ‘message to the quarterback’ hits that wouldn’t have been called at all had he played Heads Up(TM) Football. He does that play in the NFL to any QB (accept Brady) with his head up (or at Cam with his crown right into Cam’s chest/head) and there is no call

Just saying, it wasn’t like he Taylor Mayes’d that ND QB at full speed or anything.

http://www.si.com/college-football/2016/01/01/ohio-state-notre-dame-joey-bosa-ejected-fiesta-bowl

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I see there is a new thread. I obviously will read it eventually. For now

RHCP – Breaking the Girl

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

This song that got auto played after is in no way gonna make me cry

Josh Radin – Winter

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I know I went too weird, I hate to go still kinda weird right after

Colin Hay – Overkill (acoustic)

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Wait, staying stupid music. Out of context this might be the worst. You should really just got watch the ep that makes it make sense though

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Stupidest song ever. It is on some of my old CDs though

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am gonna give you a video of a System of a Down playing Zelda, but I am again worried about WCS, anyone heard anything?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

One more mc chris – White kids love hip hop. I will move onto to something else. I promise

SonOfSpam
Member

I agree with Happy Sloth about the Pats losing their pick. That’s the best part of reading any mock draft this year: *There are only 31 1st round picks due to the Patriots’ cheating.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Lord Edmund insists that he will have no part of this farce.

http://media.zenfs.com/en-US/video/video.snl.com/SNL_0579_09_You_Mock_Me.png

Beerguyrob
Member

comment image

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

mc chris is a weird guy to try to explain, that being said one more

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

It is early so I will start weird. mc chris- Hijack Zelda theme

SonOfSpam
Member

Uh, hi. Myles Jack is from UCLA, not LSU.

I mean, what are we, to believe that this is some sort of a, a magic xylophone or something?

/shoves Horatio into locker due to insecurity about masculinity

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I first read that as “manic xenophobe” and was wondering what Donald Trump had to with a discussion about mock drafts.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

The fuck did I do?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Is it too early to derail this thread into song requests? I am just saying I am up for it

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I should add my mom was an Alderman for 10 years-ish. As a kid I had to put a flyer with her policy on every door in our district. Fucking hated her for it but it made me look into every issue now

SonOfSpam
Member

Alderman? The correct term is “alderbroad” you sexist hatemonger.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

She hated people trying to say Alderperson or some other variation

blaxabbath
Member

The big talk coming from the BIRDCANO front offices are how the successes of Tyrann Mathieu have changes Keim’s approach to the draft. He used to feel that guys like Mathieu didn’t deserve a second chance but now he’s more forgiving. So I look forward to plenty of Cardinal off-season moves that include Greg Hardy, Ray Rice, and that guy from last year’s draft who “didn’t” kill his girlfriend.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Literally just a mouse hovering an image in a open tab (everyone download Hover Zoom, now)

http://i46.tinypic.com/vio9ip.gif

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I figure I owe you a pic for dealing with me this morning. Alison Brie that might be new

http://cdn.rsvlts.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Alison-Brie-GIF-040.gif

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Great job! One minor quibble: You spelled “Anal-ysis” wrong.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I was raised as a Republican, Hated every one of their social policies while they gerrymandered the country so they could pretend they are the majority. I just saw Trump claiming the pope agrees with him. I might be hitting the point of you are voting for Trump, you are an asshole. Sorry about adding politics

Horatio Cornblower
Member

I for one look forward to President Trump declaring crusade against The Vatican. Those fuckers have had it coming since 1096.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I argued politics with my mom last night for hours. I might still have some residual vitriol in my system even though we were mostly laughing by the end of our discussion. I stand by my Trump is the worst stand

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

We mainly agree on an outcome, get passionate about the way it would work out

jjfozz
Member

Pope just said Trump wasn’t a Christian due to his immigration stance. I would say the pope is wrong, since Trump doesn’t qualify as a human being to begin with.

blaxabbath
Member

I was waiting for the cashier yesterday at Home Depot (had some 12′ lumber sticks but was well out of the way so people could pass by on the sides and behind me) and this dude walks in pushing his cart. I’m right up on the ass of the cart ahead of me, because I’m trying to stay out of the main aisle at the front of the store. Dude pushing the cart decides that he isn’t going to walk around me and rams his cart into my boards, which pushed back my cart and allowed him to squeeze through in front of me to head down the aisle (instead of just going around where there was a lane).

I’m not registered vote and am generally pessimistic about politics because I think Wall Street always wins and the rest is just details. That asshole at Home Depot was the last straw for me. I’m seriously considering registering and voting Trump because I know his policies will be aimed at fucking with this guy at every turn. I used to be for social programs — fuck it, let ’em burn. I don’t use them but this guy might, so get rid of them. If nothing else, Trump means fucking this guy. And, at this point, I honestly don’t care. America is slowly bleeding out anyways, I’m probably better off with it just burning down now while I’m still young and have no kids rather than when I’m a senior and dying while waiting for VA care because, you know, they’re never gonna fix that shit.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

Pfft, it’s not like one vote ever made a difference! …except that one time.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_presidential_election,_1876

entropy
Member

Since your brain failed you before you reached the Jets, I’m going to go with their needs as being simple, anyone who WIN A GOD DAMN GAME WHEN IT FUCKING WELL MATTERS.

jjfozz
Member

Mock drafts are a perfect example of what you get when you’re trying to turn chicken shit into chicken salad.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I think you got your Bears rankings wrong, we need to worry more about the defense. We need a guard that I hope we draft because signing old linemen has obviously worked in the past

Cuntler
Member
Cuntler

Right there with you on defense. I’ve always wondered by so many Bears fans are obsessed with the offensive line? Two years ago,many said that Roberto Garza was going to torpedo the season at center, but the shitty-ass defense was the problem. Last year, the shitty-ass defense was the problem. Denver just won the Superb Owl with a makeshift offensive line, a revolving QB, and a transcendent defense. The Bears are BALLS at drafting quarterbacks, and Pace won’t change that, considering the QB tree out of his time in New Orleans (i.e. there is no tree).

Cuntler
Member
Cuntler

Ryan Pace loves injured guys, so Jaylon Smith, injured Notre Dame linebacker, it is! I don’t know what to think of Pace yet, but I think he is trending towards being very average. He should have hired Gase instead of Fox and the whole Kevin White thing was handled like shit. Trading Allen and Marshall and cutting Jennings was necessary to rebuild, but I feel like he got about a C in the draft, especially with that White pick [racist]. Langford and Goldman look decent, I guess. They won’t be good for another 2 years, at best.

HE IS NAWT THEO EPSTEIN. NO ONE DENIES THIS.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Other than the Marshall trade, I like the new Bears team. living with 15 years of we are gonna keep the player because they were good once got old

Cuntler
Member
Cuntler

I was joking, and then I just saw this: http://www.chicagobears.com/news/article-1/Kiper-predicts-Bears-will-pick-Smith/208fa481-eec6-457f-8f2e-91bc89b86017

We can have a college All-Star team of injured players!

Enrico Pallazzo
Member

Mel rules. Sorry not sorry.

Nothing worse than WIP callers and folks of that ilk getting mad online about a mock draft. WHY WOULD DA EAGLES TAKE (pretty good player) WHEN (pretty good player) IS STILL AVAILABLE? WE ONLY HAVE ONE HOLE ON THE ROSTER AND THEY ARE IGNORING IT! CHEESE WIZ!

blaxabbath
Member

“And with the #2 overall pick in the 2016 draft, the Browns select, Jared Goff.”

::Goff walks to podium, shakes commissioner’s hand, grabs ‘1’ jersey and slings it over his shoulder, leans over to speak into microphone::

“Thank you. I announce my retirement from the National Football League.”

entropy
Member

He’ll at least wait for the “guaranteed money” clause check of his contract to clear, then announce his retirement.

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