The Usual Suspensions (Part 3)


A man – let’s call him VERBAL KENT because the author of this piece couldn’t think of anything clever enough that wouldn’t be a dead giveaway – sits in an office at NFL Network Headquarters. The office is an untidy mess; the desk is covered with pens and paper, the wastebasket is full, post-it notes hang from every available surface. VERBAL gazes calmly around the office, taking in a few objects of note – a cigar box, a bulletin board with various papers tacked to it, some framed posters of famous broadcasting teams of the past, and a table piled high with opened shipping boxes packages with foam peanuts overflowing onto the floor. PETER KING enters the office, followed by SCOTT HANSON.

HANSON: Verbal, this is Peter King, from Sports Illustrated.


VERBAL: We’ve met. At the combine.

HANSON: He’d like to ask you a few questions.

VERBAL: What about?

KING: About Jeff Fisher, mostly. But I’d like to start with the lineup back in New York.

VERBAL: Okay. Go ahead.

KING: First off, do you really think that Odell Beckham Jr. should be starting in front of Ben Edwards? I mean, I know Beckham has the gaudy stats and the highlight reel catches, but Edwards is just so gritty and…

VERBAL: Oh. I thought you wanted to talk about the police lineup.

KING: No, that’s your personal business.

VERBAL: And all the criminal activity that just took place in Inglewood that I’ve been implicated in.

KING: Um. That. Yeah. Scott, can we get some coffee here?

HANSON: [irritated] Sure, Peter. [steps out]

VERBAL: That guy looks tense. Tension is a killer. I used to work as a tour guide on the Amazon, the booking agent was this big fat drunk named John Summerall, I mean like Flounder fat and drunk, he was so stressed on Mondays…

KING: [interrupts] Verbal, you know we’re trying to help you.

VERBAL: Sure. And I appreciate that. And I want to help you, Peter. I like reporters. They’ve always been very nice to me.

KING: Well, that’s our job.

VERBAL: So if you want to ask me about Inglewood, I don’t mind talking about it. Go ahead and ask.

KING: In a minute. First I’d like to talk about your charitable foundation.

VERBAL: Yeah, that’s all a sham. It’s basically just a way to funnel charitable donations to my immediate family. It’s incredibly crooked.

KING: [holds up hands] I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to broach such a sensitive topic.

VERBAL: It’s all right, I…

KING: No, no, it’s not my place. Those kinds of unsavory subjects are for amateur bloggers without access, favor, or discretion.

SCOTT HANSON comes back with the coffee – a pair of cups from Starbucks – and hands one to each of the men. VERBAL takes a sip and grimaces.

KING: It’s good, right?

VERBAL: Peter…just because it’s in a Starbucks cup doesn’t mean that the coffee actually came from…

HANSON: [frantically waves hands at NARRATOR]

VERBAL: [rolls his eyes] Oh. Yeah. [pretends to take another sip] It’s really good.

KING: The juniper really makes it pop.

VERBAL: [sets down the coffee] So. You want to hear about the hijacking.  And the shootout.

KING: [reluctantly] Oh, I don’t know…

VERBAL: You know that Jeff Fisher is a major part of it?

KING: [tempted] Well…

VERBAL: There’s this one part where he really takes charge of a situation.


VERBAL: I mean, he starts yelling at everyone what to do, and then…

KING: Okay. I’m convinced. Tell me every last detail.


Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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Don TMoose -The End Is Well Nighmonty this seems strange to meHoratio CornblowerLow Commander of the Super Soldiers Recent comment authors
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Don T

Fucking love this.

Horatio Cornblower

Verdun Kant.

You’re welcome.

monty this seems strange to me

I thought it said “Verbal Kunt”, which is actually the name Peyton Manning uses to refer to Dr. Jamie Naughright.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Horatio Cornblower

His name is Thompson.

monty this seems strange to me

comment image


PK almost comes across as a dare I say, protagonist.


::7,200 words about how excited Bostonians were to win the 2004 World Series::


:: followed by three-part series on relative values of Hot Stove 2013 (written in 2016)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh



“Why would the Giants be concerned about where to utilize OBJ when the Reds are making such a tremendous salary dump!”


It’s like you’re in PK’s head.


“…and the wind whispered, ‘Wichita’.”

monty this seems strange to me
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A small and lonely place.