Latest posts by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (see all)
- Your “The Sun Rises on the Factory” Saturday Morning Open Thread – February 16, 2019
- Request Line: Duets – February 15, 2019
- Request Line: Coffee is for Closers – February 8, 2019
INT. SCOTT HANSON’S OFFICE – DAY
A man – let’s call him VERBAL KENT because the author of this piece couldn’t think of anything clever enough that wouldn’t be a dead giveaway – sits in an office at NFL Network Headquarters. The office is an untidy mess; the desk is covered with pens and paper, the wastebasket is full, post-it notes hang from every available surface. VERBAL gazes calmly around the office, taking in a few objects of note – a cigar box, a bulletin board with various papers tacked to it, some framed posters of famous broadcasting teams of the past, and a table piled high with opened shipping boxes packages with foam peanuts overflowing onto the floor. PETER KING enters the office, followed by SCOTT HANSON.
HANSON: Verbal, this is Peter King, from Sports Illustrated.
KING: And NBC.
VERBAL: We’ve met. At the combine.
HANSON: He’d like to ask you a few questions.
VERBAL: What about?
KING: About Jeff Fisher, mostly. But I’d like to start with the lineup back in New York.
VERBAL: Okay. Go ahead.
KING: First off, do you really think that Odell Beckham Jr. should be starting in front of Ben Edwards? I mean, I know Beckham has the gaudy stats and the highlight reel catches, but Edwards is just so gritty and…
VERBAL: Oh. I thought you wanted to talk about the police lineup.
KING: No, that’s your personal business.
VERBAL: And all the criminal activity that just took place in Inglewood that I’ve been implicated in.
KING: Um. That. Yeah. Scott, can we get some coffee here?
HANSON: [irritated] Sure, Peter. [steps out]
VERBAL: That guy looks tense. Tension is a killer. I used to work as a tour guide on the Amazon, the booking agent was this big fat drunk named John Summerall, I mean like Flounder fat and drunk, he was so stressed on Mondays…
KING: [interrupts] Verbal, you know we’re trying to help you.
VERBAL: Sure. And I appreciate that. And I want to help you, Peter. I like reporters. They’ve always been very nice to me.
KING: Well, that’s our job.
VERBAL: So if you want to ask me about Inglewood, I don’t mind talking about it. Go ahead and ask.
KING: In a minute. First I’d like to talk about your charitable foundation.
VERBAL: Yeah, that’s all a sham. It’s basically just a way to funnel charitable donations to my immediate family. It’s incredibly crooked.
KING: [holds up hands] I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to broach such a sensitive topic.
VERBAL: It’s all right, I…
KING: No, no, it’s not my place. Those kinds of unsavory subjects are for amateur bloggers without access, favor, or discretion.
SCOTT HANSON comes back with the coffee – a pair of cups from Starbucks – and hands one to each of the men. VERBAL takes a sip and grimaces.
KING: It’s good, right?
VERBAL: Peter…just because it’s in a Starbucks cup doesn’t mean that the coffee actually came from…
HANSON: [frantically waves hands at NARRATOR]
VERBAL: [rolls his eyes] Oh. Yeah. [pretends to take another sip] It’s really good.
KING: The juniper really makes it pop.
VERBAL: [sets down the coffee] So. You want to hear about the hijacking. And the shootout.
KING: [reluctantly] Oh, I don’t know…
VERBAL: You know that Jeff Fisher is a major part of it?
KING: [tempted] Well…
VERBAL: There’s this one part where he really takes charge of a situation.
VERBAL: I mean, he starts yelling at everyone what to do, and then…
KING: Okay. I’m convinced. Tell me every last detail.