A Breaking Announcement

Now, I could be down in Pittsburgh with the Yinzbergians.

::Crown Groans::

Or giving a stump speech in Cincinnati, oh-Hi-Oh.

::Crowd Groans Louder::

I’ve even been approached to come down to give a speech and…AND…accept the key to the city, from the people of CLEVELAND.

::Crowd Boos::

Because they think that, just because they vote before you, that they think they’re better than you!

::Boos Continue::

But I’m here today because I know, by the time the Maryland primary comes up on April 26, I will already have the nomination locked up. Mitt Romney will be shut up! Robot Marcus Rubio with be SHUT DOWN! And Ted Cruz will be back to maintaining my rose beds!

::Crowd Explodes in Cheers::

But I’m here…I’m here……I……..

::Cheers are Deafening::

SHUT UP PEASANTS!

::Silence overtakes the crowd::

I’m here today because, unlike the insiders in the Republican Party…the insiders who have given us establishment-approved leaders for decades while killing America’s greatness…the insiders who think they know better than you about how you should spend your money or take care of your own health…unlike THOSE insiders, I don’t think Baltimore is second to any of Pittsburgh or Cincinnati or — and especially not Cleveland!

::Crowd Explodes and Trump Stands Nodding In The Sea of Cheers::

Baltimore is my kind of city. You’re my kind of people. You know, I look at our success so far and in our polling, I see Mobtown. I see us winning with the men. I see us winning with the women. We’re winning with people with criminal records! We’re winning with households without utility service! We’re winning with whites and we’re winning with the non-whites! We’re winning with the educated and we’re winning with the uneducated. Oh yes, we love the uneducated!

::A “You Go, Donald!” and “It’s About RESPECT!” Pop Out From the Constant Applause::

I know you’re here for me, come April 26. And, hey, if you want to pop over to Virginia or Delaware and cast a vote for me there as well, then I’ve got no problem with that. And don’t worry, I’ll have the ability to pardon such minor transgressions by this time next year.

::Laughter and Cheers::

But today I am here for you! I’m here because I’ve been meeting with the BALTIMORE RAVENS! Yes, we love purple camo! Yes we do. So today, I’m here because your team wants to bring in the most Charm City, Trumptastic back to rush for the Ravens since the days of Mr Mother Theresa himself, RAY RICE!

::Eruption of Cheers::

So please make a hole here through the center of the crowd. Because I am here to introduce you to…yes, right there, that’s a great aisle. Like 8 feet wide and clean, from the stage to the back of the crowd. Just excellent work opening up that lane for the gentleman I am here to introduce….Wait, quickly, you know what this YUUUUGE wide open gap reminds me of? MEGYN KELLY!

::Uncontrollable Cheering and Clapping::

So, without further ado, I’m here to welcome, well once the paperwork gets settled, your newest member of the Baltimore Ravens backfield, former first round draft pick, Trent Richardson!

::Trump Gestures to the Back of the Auditorium Where A Smoke Machine is Turned Up and Double Doors Open to Reveal a Sprinting Trent Richardson Who Sees Trump at the End of The Open Aisle Through the Crowd Before Cutting Nine Feet to the Right and Crashing Into the Cable News Camera Area, Damaging the Equipment, and Terminating the Broadcast::