It’s coming. It’s creeping a little bit closer. The NFL draft is only 23 days away. Hell, new coaches were allowed to meet with their teams starting this week. Offseason strength and conditioning programs are being installed and OTAs are approaching soon. But we all know the big shiny shitshow that is the main event of the offseason: The motherfucking draft!
So with just 23 short days to while away I’ve come up with 23 suggestions to keep you occupied while you wait for the draft to begin.
- Re watch every episode of Get Smart
- Masturbate. A lot.
- Replay the entire game of Grand Theft Auto San Andreas (you’ll need 15 days just for flight school)
- Around the world in 23 bourbons!
- Baseball! /ducks flying objects.
- Do volunteer work around your community! Just kidding, read the masturbation suggestion again.
- Read Guns, Germs and Steel The Fates of Human Societies. Note, this will take more than 23 days
- Achieve your life long dream of collecting Hummel figurines
- Start a chia pet farm.
- Investigate the wonderful world of medicinal marijuana and repeat suggestions 1-4.
- Learn to cook, you slovenly heathen.
- Start an ant farm.
- Make your own artisanal cheeses.
- Visit the local farmers market and laugh at people who make their own artisanal cheeses.
- Coach a little league baseball team, this is actually a really good suggestion.
- Visit Las Vegas, get arrested and do 22 days in Vegas jail
- Hang around the post office and annoy the shit out of the clerks. I think this is required after you retire.
- Visit the grocery store every day and just buy one item each day.
- Take up spelunking.
- DO NOT visit the local elementary school playground during recess.
- Realize your true ambitions of being an Internet minister.
- Beer, beer, beer.
- Convince yourself that Carson Wentz or Jared Goff is the QB savior your team has been looking for.
Feel free to throw your own suggestions in the comments.
Activity #1 can definitely help with activity #2.
http://celebrarty.com/PHOTOS/TV-G/Get_Smart_photos/images/GetSmart-08.jpg
I just hope our GM trades for the number 1 pick and mortgages the future.
Especially if it was the 4th, 3rd, or second picks.
Coach Ditka approves.
http://media.philly.com/images/072913_Williams_60.jpg
One day for each pair of human chromosomes….hmmmm
Maybe in your family…
http://i2.asntown.net/h4/gif/people-and-animals/funny-fail-animated-gif-pictures-13.gif
Sadly I know what Hummel collecting looks like and I want no part of it. My wife’s grandmother had a shit ton of those things before she passed on and they have become a point of contention betwen my mother in law and her sister in law. It has been going on for over 3 years now. My mother in law only has a small truckload worth of her own.
This is really why the remodel, isn’t it? Room for wifey’s inheritance grandeur? Good planning, man. Good planning.
Holy shit. That is something to stay out of unless you can provoke controntations without getting caught.
Identify the 23 flavors in Dr. Pepper:
Funny story: One of the first times I ever smoked weed, I bought a Dr Pepper. On each sip, I thought that I was very distinctly tasting one of each of the different flavors.
I recall chocolate, maple and cupcake, but it’s all pretty hazy…
Like, you know, what if each of the flavors was like, you know, its own universe and we’re just like, you know, sitting on one of their fingernails, you know?
Whoa man. That’s like, totally blowing my mind, ya know?
Did you know, like, your finger nails are like, your bones, man?
http://youtu.be/e3C9rMIRuF8
WHOA
They call ’em fingers, but I never see ’em fing.
Oh, wait. There they go.
NUTMEG
THAT’S PRIMARILY A LASAGNA INGREDIENT
Still tastes like Pepsi plus Robitussin.
Are there 23 different varieties of prunes?
Gonna go out on a limb and say there are no liquefied Doctors or spicy pepper flavors. Just sayin’.
Who ended up winning the DFO Bracket?
someone called mother of red dragons.
Is being alive after total destruction really winning?
I think mother of red dragons is from the Upstate Underdog clan.
:re-reads opening line:
No. You all took it for granted.
In true WIP fashion, rather than celebrating Villanova’s national championship, every caller is either yelling at the host for not being from Philadelphia, and therefore, not allowed to root for a Big 5 team, OR, callers yelling at other callers for being “homers” or “bandwagon fans.”
Never change, Philly.
I read this already.
I still think it’s weird that coaches have to wait until April to communicate with their new teams. I get that the players need some time away and all that (you know, per the NFLPA who negotiated for an extra week of spring vacation in lieu of long term medical care or whatever) but, man, I’d love to have been sitting in when Chip and Ka7p could finally talk.
On that note, what the fuck is with Chip Kelly NOT getting a dual threat QB to run his offense? Like, is he trying to prove something by pushing for the wrong personnel to execute his playbook? You don’t see Bruce Arians looking for some noodle-armed QB or the Cowboys NOT grabbing four turnover machines to man their QB corps. I get that it’s about running a lot of plays, not running The Wildcat, but seriously Chip — da fuq?
(no offense)
If all your plays are really short, you can fit SO MANY more into the game. Extending plays is for suckers!
“23.Convince yourself that Carson Wentz or Jared Goff is the QB savior your team has been looking for.”
Done. Maybe they can get one of them on their second contract.
“You don’t get it! We traded all those picks we could have used on an O Line to get Christian Hackenberg because Christian Hackenberg doesn’t need a line! See? See how smart we are?”
– [This could actually be about half of the league’s front office personnel]
Debate chicken about why she wants to cross the road. Remind her that her electronic communications are property of the government and her citizenship status is suspect. This will all bring into questions her motivations and whether they will damage national security.
Last night at the dinner table, my wife says: “So, what do you guys think about the draft?”
And my oldest holds up his hand and says, “Don’t say that word. It gets dad all pissed off. I’ll talk to you later about it.”
A dinner table in Baltimore. Everywhere else, we call that a three legged card table with an oil stain covered in cat hair.
In Baltimore, that table is covered in crab shells and urine stained pictures of the Irsay family
“I don’t think that’s urine.”
y u hate irsay?
I can never answer this question correctly online without coming across as a slavering, idiotic hypocrite.
He fucked up a lot of great memories for a great deal of people. Leave it at that. Fuck him and his offspring.
“I don’t think that’s offspring.”
More like http://image.minyanville.com/assets/FCK_May2009/Image/Freddy/0609/Slideshows/sSs_061709_lander_b.jpg
And I think it was hilarious.
I’d like to see your Irs-HATE in post form, Fozz.
“I don’t think that’s cat hair.”