Hard Ride To Nowhere Spring Break Special (Part 3)

The scene: Poolside at the motel in Key West, one week later. Old School Zero is in a recliner near the pool while Marc Trestmans Windowless Van floats in the pool on a giant inner tube.

OSZ: I can’t move.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Dude, like, I can’t feel my eyelids, man.

OSZ: Is it possible? Did we party too hard?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: No way, man! We’re just taking a breather, man.

OSZ: I’m seeing spots. Are you seeing spots?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: That’s just left over from the mezcal, man. I mean, you did eat the worm, man.

OSZ (grimacing): Don’t remind me. So, are bans from the Catholic church for life?

Flashback to: OSZ swinging a cross at an enraged mob of wedding guests, while Marc Trestmans Windowless Van stands behind him in a wedding dress. They flee out the door, which OSZ wedges closed with the cross, and run to the Prius. As they get in the back seat, Wolfman Rob and Future Moose look back at them. Wolfman Rob pulls the car away as OSZ and Marc Trestmans Windowless Van laugh and clap their hands, then become reflective, then stare off into the distance.

Cut to: The present day again. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van is looking wistfully at the wedding bouquet in his hand.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: I mean, like, I might be ready for marriage someday, man, but it was all so, like, sudden.

Future Moose surfaces in the pool, spitting out a stream of water. He climbs into a giant inflated Orca and collapses.

Future Moose: I am exhausted. I think my batteries are wearing down. We need to relax today so they can recharge.

OSZ: Like when you wanted a quiet day of fishing? Look at how that turned out.

Future Moose: Don’t remind me…

Flashback to: The DFOers and Wolfman Rob on a boat that’s sinking into the sea thanks to the gigantic shark that’s launched itself onto the bow. Wolfman Rob is sliding toward the shark, his feet on the shark’s nose to keep from getting swallowed. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van is beating on the shark with an oar. Old School Zero is all the way at the top of the mast, hanging on for dear life.

Wolfman Rob: You might’ve eaten Moose, but you ain’t getting’ me!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (swatting the shark with the oar): Dude, totally uncool! You can’t just, like, eat our friends, man!

OSZ (from the top of the mast): Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

Cut to: The present day.

OSZ: Good thing you’re indigestible, Moose.

Future Moose: Seriously. Hey, are you still afraid of the water?

OSZ (defensively): No.

Future Moose: Really? Because I haven’t seen you in the pool since then.

OSZ: I just don’t want to get wet. I think I might have an ear infection.

Future Moose (paddling his Orca closer and peering at OSZ’s ear): No, dummy. That’s paint.

OSZ (sticking a finger into his ear): Still? That was days ago…

Flashback to: A paintball battlefield. The DFOers have been hit hard. Future Moose is down, Wolfman Rob, an abstract mass of color, has collapsed against a wall. OSZ hears a noise and brings his paintball gun up, but is cut down by a burst of lime green paint. As he falls a kid walks up, firing another burst of paint into OSZ.

OSZ: Ow! Hey, seriously? I’m dead already!

Kid: Then act dead, dummy! I can’t believe I took out all you losers.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Not, like, all, man.

The kid looks up as Marc Trestmans Windowless Van steps forward out of a mass of smoke. His paintball gun is pointed right at the kid.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Now, like, I know what you’re thinking, man. You’re all, like, did that dude fire two-hundred paintballs or only, like one-hundred and ninety-nine? And I’ve gotta say, man, with all the confusion I’ve got, like, no clue.

OSZ (mumbling): Truer words were never spoken.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: But this is, like, the Tippmann X7 Phenom Electro paintball gun, man. It can fire fifteen .68 caliber paintballs per second, man, so I guess you just have to be all, “Is this my lucky day, man?”

The kid’s hand twitches, and he has a manic look in his eye.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Well, little dude? Is it?

The kid laughs maniacally and starts to bring up his paintball gun. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van pulls the trigger and a single ball of bright pink paint hits the kid right between the eyes.

Kid (throwing down his paintball gun): Aw, crap!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Aw, don’t take it so hard, little dude. Now that the, like, shooting part of the game is done, I’ll show you how to make a bong out of your paintball gun.

Cut to: The present day again. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van is firing up his paintball gun bong as he floats in the pool.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (inhaling): That little dude was a fast learner, too, man.

OSZ: Hey, by the way…where’s Wolfman Rob?

Future Moose: He borrowed your Prius to make a beer run.

OSZ: Well, I hope he brings it back soon. I wanted to get an early start on packing.

Cut to: Wolfman Rob behind the wheel of the Prius, tearing across the open desert. He’s steering with one hand, holding a bottle of Old Crow in the other, and smoking a joint that would make Marc Trestmans Windowless Van proud. In the passenger seat is an inflatable doll, and the back seat is littered with empty bottles, porno mags, condom wrappers, several sticks of dynamite, a scattering of multi-colored pills and a sleeping ferret.

Wolfman Rob: Whooooo! Ain’t nothin’ like the open road, is there, Mabel?

The inflatable doll bounces in the passenger seat as Wolfman Rob hits some rough road.

Wolfman Rob: Gotta say, them boys back in the Keys were a nice bunch, but damn! They party like my grandma! Hope they don’t mind me takin’ a side trip with their car, but hey, we ain’t seen TJ in a few years, have we?

The inflatable doll bounces again, tips over and leans against Wolfman Rob.

Wolfman Rob: Damn! You frisky, girl! Well you just hold your horses, gal…soon as we’re in Mexico, that’s when the party really starts! AROOOOOOO!!!

Next week: a return to our regularly-scheduled program…

 

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Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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laserguru

I call sloppy seconds with Mabel.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You’re a little late to the party, buddy. Filthy fifths is still available, though.

laserguru

Yeah fuck it.

/takes shot

Enrico Pallazzo

Color me impressed/shocked that Wolfman Rob uses condoms.

ballsofsteelandfury

He uses them as balloons. Slight difference.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Covalent Blonde

My favorite about this really is just picture MTWV poking an oar at a shark that I picture just decimating inch by inch as he keeps shoving the oar in its face.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Shark stomach is pretty gross; had to use my trusty Spiderco knife and cut my way out. Takes three washings at least to get shark liver oil smell off your skin.

jjfozz

I read every line by Marc Trestman’s Windowless Van with this guy’s voice in my head:
http://images1.fanpop.com/images/quiz/2462_1210885994882_446_240.jpg

blaxabbath

“…this guy’s voice in my head.”

-Baltimore Defense Argument

jjfozz

By the way, Blax. I’m working on that Irsay Hate post, and you had better come see me in the hospital after I have a heartattack that was triggered by a stroke that was set off by drinking and cigar smoking.

Because I have been in a high state of piss off since I started working on that beast.

ballsofsteelandfury

This is why I thought about it, but ultimately decided not to do a Tiger Woods post. I don’t think it’s healthy to conjure up that much hatred in one place.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You guys have to reserve that kind of hatred to someone who actually affects your life. Like politicians that ruin your country, polluters who poison you….. oh and that guy Bill in accounting; Bill is an asshole, and he fucks up your deductions.

blaxabbath

We have an accounting department? And Sill works in it?

blaxabbath

“Working on that beast.”

We call this a Baltimore Honeymoon Announcement

jjfozz

also known in Baltimore as “getting up the courage to ask her out to the prom”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is some damn good Baltimore work, my frenz!

Old School Zero

That’s an amazingly accurate account of my experience with catholicism.

Doktor Zymm

The Hardest Partying Little Prius That Could

ballsofsteelandfury

The Prius really is the perfect stoner vehicle.

“Dude, I’ll get up that hill eventually. Just chill! Relax, man! ”
or
“OK, what if you can run on gas AND batteries? Like, WHOA! I just blew your mind, dude.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not really; if you are really stoned you’ll leave the fucker running thinking you turned it off, and they are kind of a bitch to jump start.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

But then again; I’m an old school stick shift fuck.

ballsofsteelandfury

Never forget that the secondary nickname for the Prius is “The Silent Killer”.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is something else that should piss you off is the accelerator myth that was brought about by the media and people who did not pay attention in science class.

That said; them electrics can fucking sneak up on like a god damn snake.

montythisseemsstrangetome

To be fair, Grandma Ryan could party with the best of them. That’s how Buddy was conceived.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Buddy punched her twat on the way out.

JerBear50

So if I’m understanding this, what you’re saying is OSZ fucked Marc’s mom?

Old School Zero

I mean… Maybe.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

HAAAAAAAAAAAARD!

Show his Osz face too.

WCS

http://24.media.tumblr.com/e623565e416bb723def89814e9154ea0/tumblr_n344suGRaG1qlhck1o1_500.gif

Every trip with Wolfman Rob ends up with someone going to jail.

ballsofsteelandfury

You forgot the word “else”.