Become Better Acquainted With A Potential NFL Player*

*A totally original DFO production and not just a rip-off of a feature we all enjoyed from that other site we all met at.

Good morning!  Or afternoon depending on when this thing posts.  As you know, because you undoubtedly filled out Blax’s draft contest sheet (if not, you can still enter here [PHRASING, BOOM!]) and are eagerly anticipating getting a final score on that roughly equivalent to Jamarcus Russell’s Wonderlic score, the NFL draft is this coming Thursday.  And Friday.  And Saturday.  Followed by Sunday Second Guessing.  In preparation for the draft DFO presents this opportunity for you to, if you will, “get to better know a draft pick”, which is something I totally came up with on my own and didn’t rip off from KSK word for word because it still hurts dammit, IT STILL HURTS!!!!

-ahem-

Today we meet Myles Jack!  Let’s get to know him shall we?

Physical Attributes:  6’1″ and 245 lbs. He also has 101/4″ hands.  He’s also got bigger hands than Tunsil!  (awaits Tunsil’s Green Room slide while Berman makes bad puns involving ‘Hands Across America’)  Jack (allegedly) ran the 40 in 4.56 seconds and benched 225 19 times.

College Experience:  Pac-12 Rookie of the Year in 2013, which is impressive until you think about how bad the Pac-12 is.  2nd team All-Pac 12 his freshman and sophomore seasons.  A guy ranked this high should probably make 1st team but he played offense and defense both years.  Injured his knee 3 games into his junior season and promptly dropped out of school.

Does He Tweet?: @MylesJack.  Seems to really be looking forward to the draft but also really needs a new phone ASAP.

Strengths:  Ultra athletic with “upper echelon explosiveness.”  Former running back with the speed to get to the ball from any part of the field.  Not afraid of contact and hits hard enough to jar offensive linemen.  In addition to running back he also played safety at UCLA so he’s a versatile sort.  Can probably play 3/5 of the positions on defense, so you know Jerry Richardson wants him.

His knee might be fine, (it’s not), and all the rumors of it being a time-bomb ready to explode all over the field like Peter North all over a runaway teen with a history of poor decisions could be filthy lies spread in the hopes of making his draft stock plunge.  Sure that sounds evil but if NFL-types really are spreading lies about a young man’s health in a way that could financially devastate him it’s probably the 6th most evil thing they’ll do this week.

Weaknesses:  May have only one knee.  Usually the NFL prefers to turn healthy young men into arthritic cripples, as opposed to having players show up halfway there already.  Jack didn’t run the 40 during his Pro Day, (I have no idea where the internet came with the 4.56 noted above), and after that teams started looking into his medical records.  Apparently his original surgery went well but now the cartilage and bone are beginning to separate.  Good thing he got that college degr…oh.  Oh dear.

Jack also took some criticism for leaving UCLA after the initial injury ended his season.  I’d give him points for honesty; there’s probably 40 D-I football players who remotely care about their education and Jack’s clearly not one of them so why waste everyone’s time?

Crazy eyes.  See featured image about.  That man ain’t right.  Although he’s a linebacker so that might actually be a strength.

Nicest Comparison:  Everyone over at CBS compared him to Navorro Bowman.

Meanest Comparison: Yeah Right.

Does He Pass The Blake Bortles Test?:  No.  If you enter “myles jack girlfriend” into a search engine you get a bunch of picture of Myles Jack.  Is narcissism a strength or weakness in the NFL?

Where’s He Going?:  As with Elliott there seem to be a variety of opinions about where Jack gets drafted.  The majority seem to think the Jaguars will take him at 5 but some people think that the Jags may be lying.  If the Jags don’t take him the next best pick seems to be the Browns at either 8 or 13, which begs the question of hasn’t Jack suffered enough?  Finally some think he’ll go to the 49ers, but that seems unlikely since they already saw Bowman’s knee explode and probably aren;t in a hurry to see that happen again.  My guess is that the Jaguars aren’t lying and take him at 5.

Sorry Myles.

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Wakezilla

These are awesome!

6’1, 245 Linebacker? Someone is going to have a nice career in the CFL.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

These are great. My entire knowledge of the draft this year pretty much comes from these posts.

Don T

These posts are the only draft coverage I’ve looked for. Thanks for making me proud of myself, HC. Great stuff.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy

“He also has 101/4″ hands.”

/divides 101 by 4

HE HAS 25 inch hands?!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Would you rather fight a guy with one set of 25″ hands or a guy with a set of 25 one-inch hands?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

“I will fight every midget here!”
-Riley Cooper

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Try cock.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You mean like just in general, or…..?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well…. I meant for bad puns, but I certainly do not want to inhibit your search for enlightenment.

theeWeeBabySeamus

As you and Scotchy alluded to last night, much to my chagrin, I search for one almost every day.
😉

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The “safe search” at work blocked “huge rooster” but allowed “large rooster”….. safe search is intimidated.

Unsurprised

Nor does it block “black rooster” because of racism.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sexist too; no blocking of pie related searches.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

Facial abuse by large black cock.

Get them clicks.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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laserguru

I hope he slides enough so my boys can draft him to reunite with his fellow UCLA linebacking breathren on the Vikings. Holy shit that would be bad ass to see him with Barr and Kendricks.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Still bothered that the Raiders passed up Kendricks. And I say that even though I really like the guy (Mario Edwards Jr.) they took instead.

blaxabbath

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laserguru

It didn’t take me long to love the guy. Him and Barr on the same team makes me giggity.
We might have a move up in us to go get Jack. This is Greenway’s last year and Jack can just move right on in.
Boggles the mind.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The highlights may be deceiving, but everything I saw says that the guy is a natural read and react LB, a stud, sheds blocks, form tackles, etc., etc. Even the plays where they were criticizing him he looked good.

blaxabbath

His knee may be done but can he prepare an entire Thanksgiving dinner in 5 hours like Yeah Right?

laserguru

Including 2 trips to the grocery store!

montythisseemsstrangetome

If you enter “myles jack girlfriend” into a search engine you get a bunch of picture of Myles Jack.

Moar liek Myles Jack-OFF, amirite?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I mean maybe that is what Google is trying to subtly imply.

nomonkeyfun

I don’t know he sounds like one of those onanistic me-first gloryboys.

http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2010/316/d/0/greek_mythology_rock_star_04_by_beckpage-d32p2hv.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

googlebing wants you to jack off.

blaxabbath

Is he comparable to Navarro Bowman in that the league is going to have to name a rule after him? And, if so, will that rule be in response to an event that concluded in…

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

yeah right is spreading rumors so that Jack will fall to his team. His knee will be fine by training camp…unlike SOME people’s knees.

King Hippo

I was gonna bet on Nkemdiche as “guy most likely to poop on people for money” in this draft class…but then I looked into Myles Jack’s cray-cray eyes.

Unsurprised

Nah. He’s most likely to start eating someone.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Scouting report:

“Didn’t maintain eye contact during interview: 4.3876/10 WOULD NOT DRAFT.”

Unsurprised

I bet that’s written in more than a few GM reports.

Unsurprised

“Meanest Comparison: Yeah Right.”

I think I just woke up the neighbors with my guffaw. Oh, well. It’s 6am anyway.

ArmedandHammered

I had to play off my bark of laughter as a cough on the teleconference I was on. Should probably start use the mute button when reading DFO while on calls.

Unsurprised

Yes, that would be a good idea.

laserguru

I’m really gonna slide on draft day aren’t I?

nomonkeyfun

You shouldn’t be sliding with that knee. A proper figure-4 will just tear it up even more.

Unsurprised

What he lacks in knees, he more than makes up for in intangibles.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Depends on how much lube you use…..

Don T

I had the same reaction, but no one cares what I do at work.

“Why, yes, that’s a .gif of an octopus groping a webelo. Why do you ask?”
/receives eye roll and “Oooo Keeey” while wandering off

And that’s just the way I likes it.