Canadian Soccer – An Apology, by Sandy McTire

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

Hi.

Oops, my apologies for being informal.

Hello, my name is Sandy McTire, and I would like to talk to you for a moment, if I could.

I would like to speak with you about Canadian soccer. Specifically, if it’s not too much of a bother, I would like to discuss with you why Canada never seems to play in international tournaments.

Darn it – I seem to have offended the ladies with my generalization.

Bronze is still a medal.

The Canadian women’s national team have been splendid in their recent outings over the last decade. In particular, but without showing actual preference, I would refer you to one Miss Christine Sinclair, a fine lass who has become, during the course of her career, the second-highest scorer in women’s international competitive history, behind only Abby Wambach. The women’s national team, not to brag, has been to 5 straight World Cups and two consecutive Olympics, giving good results each time out. They have achieved much more than their male counterparts when it comes to international competition.

More specifically, then, I would like to converse with you about the Canadian men’s national team.

Our last/only World Cup appearance – 1986. Good lads they.

First off, I must apologize for our absence from this tournament. While we are appreciative of any invitation proffered our way, and are generally considered a rather pleasant nation, I am slightly perturbed at the notion of a party being held next door to which we were not summoned.

The men’s national team is, if you don’t mind the rough language, a bad team. There; I said it. My apologies if that was too blue for your eyes, but an awful truth sometimes requires harsh language in reflection. I supposed I should have offered warning that my emotions might overcome my sensibilities. Sorry.

Currently, Canada sits 95th in the world, behind such countries as Montenegro (94), St. Kitts and Nevis (92), and the Faroe Islands (90). The nation is not participating in the Copa because, despite being invited to attempt qualification, the national association chose to send a team capable in spirit if not talent to the qualification matches. Sorry that it wasn’t out best effort.

Why did we elect not to participate to our fullest extent? Well, I’m going to turn that over to my counterpart, Jacques Shellac. BJ?

Merci Sandy. La raison nous n’allons jamais a la tournoi international est parce qu’ il y a plusieurs niveaux de bureaucratiques pour government sur la football canadien. Tout zut, Sandy; il y a trop de cuisiniers impliqués, mais pas de menu de cohésion.*

My learned friend is correct.

Each step has an independent governing body. Imagine 10 of these, emphasizing meritocracy.

The “national program” exists on a level that requires involvement from each of the 10 provinces, because it is most Canadian to have a discussion before attempting to reach a unanimous decision. Unlike our hockey brethren, who hire a coach and give him the unseemly, arbitrary power to pick and choose a team from various developmental leagues, Canadian soccer uses a process more gentlemanly, befitting the nature of “the beautiful game”. Although soccer has the highest level of youth participation in Canada, emphasis is placed more on participation than skills development. There is no national developmental league, as that would infringe upon the rights of the provincial associations. In addition, the “president” of Canadian soccer is a volunteer, and players from private academies are ineligible for participation in provincial association schedules and tournaments, and thus why most Canadian soccer players of measurable talent choose to ply such trade in the United States, It’s the Canadian way.

In addition, citizenship laws in place allow Canadian-born children of foreign parents to retain both citizenships, because they should have the right to choose who they are upon reaching the age of consent. This also affords the opportunity to train in those countries and be purchased for play in one of the various national leagues. As a result, in the recent past, some Canadians of foreign heritage, like Owen Hargreaves (England), Jonathan de Guzman (Netherlands) and Asmir Begovic (Bosnia-Hercegovina), have chosen to play for their ancestral countries rather than the Home & Native Land, where there is no “national development league” or “pay”.

Will we at least qualify for Russia 2018? Oh, no; not as long as the rules in place prevent the development of a truly “national” program. But we still have 1972 to warm our hearts, and summer is cabin season. Please enjoy the Copa and your various tournaments; we will as well, but from bars.

But if you choose to do so from this bar, please kindly fuck yourself. Thank you.

* – I’m proud of myself for getting the translation 80% correct when first checking Bing.

 

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

55
Leave a Reply

Please Login to comment
16 Comment threads
39 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
15 Comment authors
Senor WeaseloMoose -The End Is Well NighballsofsteelandfuryCuntlerscotchnaut Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

scotchnaut

There is hope though-

I coached a kid for two years that was out of this world. He lives in southern Ontario but his parents visited family up north during the summer. At the age of eight he was playing with/dominating 14/15 year olds. If he sticks with the sport he’s going places.

/fully expect him to thank “that summer league coach that didn’t know what he was doing but made the game fun” when asked how he fell in love with the sport

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Hope?

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

Of course.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

North Korea; they believe in small hands.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

Our college being a conference basketball rival of UCLA, I text a friend of mine and his dad (both Arizona fans; the dad is prof there) a crack about how Larry Scott probably set up this shooting to guarantee the Bruins a pity spot in March Madness for the next dozen years. Turns out their nephew/cousin was in the building at the time (he’s okay though). Thinking I should capitalize on my speedy/incorrect response to major tragedies by applying for Fox News.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#itcouldonlybeblax

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Needz moar overgeneralizations 4/10 would not hire.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
King Hippo

I don’t suck at my job ,, YOU DO!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m not even good at thinking that.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Trial lawyers’ CLE at Bridgeport Brewery. Good times.

Cuntler

CLEs are never NOT a good time. Unless, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend…

Senor Weaselo

…Oh. Well that took a turn.

theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus

And one specifically for teh Hippoz…
comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

In college it was derogatory and thing to say about the women’s teams was “fucking dykes” ….. I was always “Fine! Bring on the dykishness! Girls just wanna have fun, roight?”

“Let’s go! Here we go 69ers!”

ballsofsteelandfury

If I ever win the lottery and buy a team, they will be called the 69ers.

In honor of the year of my birth, of course!

Wakezilla

I’ve been exposed to CSA’s politics at the grassroots level through my nephews and it’s more of a major shit show than Rob lets on.

Parents, as always ruined it. In the long ago, each city had one league and each age group had various levels of skill. What happened in many cities all over the country is that these leagues fragmented off and various new leagues started up. The problem is, the CSA only looks at the original league to recruit their players for the provincial/national team. So if you play for another league, you’re fucked, which also means the CSA is drawing from half the talent pool. Which brings me back to my nephew.

He didn’t play in the right league (we didn’t know) so he and some of his friends never made the provincial team, despite standing out as soccer talents. The year my nephew and his friends didn’t get selected to play for Alberta, they went to this big soccer tournament in San Diego. My nephew was recruited and played for Danubio’s Junior team. Danubio is a Uruguayan Soccer power that has produced many soccer stars such as Diego Forlan. Months later, my nephew was playing for my brother-in-law’s country, Guatemala at some international tournament.

But he wasn’t the only one. Two of his friends, who had Chilean backgrounds, ended up signing with and are playing in Chile. And as for Sam Adekugbe and Marco Carducci, they were signed by the Vancouver Whitecaps. . .

blaxabbath

I’m surprised there is more youth involvement in soccer than hockey.

Wakezilla

Coincidentally enough, hockey registration for the Fall is starting up right now. It’s $625 for kids aged 8-12 and $650 for kids aged 13+. It’s also usually around an extra $150-200 to tryout for rep and this doesn’t include equipment that kids outgrow and extra monthly fees (usually $100-200/month) for extra ice time that every team purchases. And it’s even more when you are on Rep teams because you travel abroad for tournaments.

Soccer registration here (after a quick look) costs $350. If you’re on their top team age 13-18, it’s $650. Otherwise it’s $350. But they also have family rates to reduce the cost.

Wakezilla

And when you factor that a couple making over $100K each can barely afford, if at all, a house in the lower mainland (Vancouver and its surrounding cities), the last thing parents want to do is spend an obscene amount of cash on their kids playing hockey.

Cuntler

Sweet. That’s like $25 American, right?

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s amazing. If I was Canadian, I’d be very pissed off that the system is as broken as it is. Then again, the US system isn’t exactly the benchmark either.

blaxabbath

Yeah but they’re SUPPOSED to be better than us! HA HA!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

If it were up to me, we’d have BANNED Bill Simmons’ sorry ass from internet a long time ago!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*MURDERED Bill Simmons’ sorry ass a long time ago!.

SonOfSpam

Makes sense that Canada isn’t great at soccer. It’s not their national game.

This is their national game:

http://www.hasbro.com/common/productimages/en_US/590e193450569047f59f9f4e9b948900/591716B450569047F5DB1141B8BC7D9F.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

BTW, which bar is it that has earned your wrath? Is it because of the giant Corona bottle?

Wakezilla

Boston Pizza’s bar. Their food and drinks are over-priced and they are huge fans of #macrobrewing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They may be over-priced, but at least they are shitty.

blaxabbath

Jesus Fucking Christ you people love bureaucracies!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Soccer bureaucracies and the best bureaucracies.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised
King Hippo

You also didn’t include a picture of my most beloved Canadian dream futbol gal Kaylyn Kyle. SIGH.

ballsofsteelandfury
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

This post was so Canadian, I feel like I have a taken a bath in maple syrup.

ballsofsteelandfury

Yummy delicious maple syrup

comment image

King Hippo

I prefer panackes with molasses, 2/10 WOULD NOT BANG

ballsofsteelandfury

Seems a little sticky, but whatever floats your boat

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We are not here to judge; I’m not going to waffle, I’d pancake either one: given the opportunity and her loss of discretion and taste.

Cuntler

Sorry, buddy, but you should cheque the flavour and colour of the Canadian team, friend! They are strong on defence and their centre fullback harbours immense talent and manoeuvres the ball well.They hopefully get a tonne of luck to advance, guy. Sorry.

nomonkeyfun

But does he have an aluminium toque?
Can you spare a looney for a broken down shinny player?

Don T

Loved the post. Canada is now my CONCACAF team. Well, as long as Puerto Rico remains on the minnow sanctuary that is the second tier of the Caribbean.