(*deep breath)

LET’S JUSS GET THIS OUTTA TH’ WAY NOW, Y’ IGNORANT BASTARDS:

WE DUNN’A ALL TALK LIKE THAT! YOO BLEEDIN’ YANKS ALL THINK WE SOUND LIKE SHREK! HO HO HO; ‘GET OUTTA ME SWAMP, DONKEY!’ HO HO HO! WELL, I’VA GOTTA STEREOTYPE FOR YEE; NOW THAT WE’RE ALL FRIENDS HERE, HOW’S ABOUT A ‘GLASGOW KISS’, MATE?

NOW SHUT YER GOB AND LISTEN T’ ME FOR A MINNIT! (*gathers breath)

If I might have your attention, it’s been exactly 18 years since the Tartan army travelled abroad for the World Cup, and 20 since we’ve been in the Euros. Every one of those appearances was accompanied by a swift exit after the preliminary rounds. It’s not been, shall I say, a good run. WOOPS! HERE ‘A COME THE TEARS! BEST TO HEAR A PICK-ME-UP! QUICK – SOMEBODY PLAY THE PIPES!

That’s better. God bless you, mate. Now, for these Euros, we lost out in qualifying to (Group D) Germany & Poland, and even Ireland qualified out of our Group stage via playoff.

In fact, of the whole British isles, we were the only ones to fail to qualify for the Championships. EVEN BLOODY WALES GOT IN! (*deep breath) WALES – FAMOUS FOR THEIR UNPRONOUNCEABLE PLACENAMES AND THEIR WEE LITTLE DOGGIES! SCOTLAND’S HOME TO WHISKY AN’ THE DEERHOUND – A FINE, NOBLE BEAST – YET OUR BLOODY FOOTBALLERS CANNA BEAT WEE GEORGIA AND QUALIFY! ISS’A NAE FAIR!

“But Jocky, can’t you simply root for England?” some of you might say. Well, (*deep breath)

WOULD YEE ROOT FOR A COUNTRY THAT TOOK YER LAND, RICHES AND HERITAGE, AND MADE IT PART OF THEIR OWN?! TH’ ANGLISH TOOK THE BEST WE HAD ANN’A USED IT T’MAKE THEIR COUNTRY GREAT ANN’A KEEP US DOWN! JUSS READ ABOUT THE ‘STONE OF SCONE‘! (PRONOUNCED “SKOON” Y’IDIOTS!) THAT’LL SHOW YA WHA’ T’ANGLISH’LL DOO IFF’N THEY SEE SUMT’IN’ ‘A YERS T’EY WANT! THERE’S EVEN A MOVIE FOR YOO ILLITERATES GRADUATES OF TH’ AMERICAN PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM IF’N YEE CANN’A READ AT A SCOTTISH LEVEL! THAT’S WHAT THE ANGLISH’LL DO TO YER HISTORY!

WE’VE A’ NAE BEEN FREE SINCE THE JACOBITES WERE PUT DOWN AND BONNIE PRINCE CHARLIE WAS EXILED T’ ROME! AND EVEN IN DEATH T’OSE PAUNCY BASTARDS WON’T ALLOW HIM T’ COME HOME FROM ROME ANNA BE BURIED IN HIS HOMELAND! HE’S STUCK IN TH’ BASEMENT OF THAT BLOODY PAPIST ARTIFICE, ANN’A JUSS THINKIN’ ABOUT IT MAKES ME WEEP!

GOD BLESS YA, RODDY! BRINGS A TEAR TO ME EYE EVERY TIME.

AND DUNN’A YOO YANKS GIVE ME THAT HORSESHIT ‘BOUT SHARIN’ A COMMON BORDER! HOW WOULD YOO FEEL IF THE USA NEVER MADE A TOURNAMENT ANN’A YOO WERE GIV’N A CHOICE OF ROOTIN’ FER CANADA OR MEXICO?! “IMM’A NOT ROOTIN’ FUR THEM THERE FOREIGNERS!’ YOO’D BE SAYIN’! SO CRAM THAT COMMON BROTHERS BULLSHIT, ‘CAUSE THAT HAGGIS DUNN’A BOIL!

(*gathers breath) Now then, there’s always World Cup 2018. Admittedly, our player development system has been hampered in recent years by a general lack of interest in football by today’s Scottish youth. It seems playing outdoors in an Aberdeen November doesn’t seem attractive to youth raised on the dominance of the Old Firms. There seems to be a strange correlation between the import of foreign players and a paucity of young Scottish talent. I’ll leave that survey for the geniuses at the University of Edinburgh. I’m sure the answer’s in one of their Adam Smith papers.

“Wealth of Nations” indeed; when’s the next referendum?

Anyways, let’s take a wee look at that qualifying bracket:

GROUP F: England, Slovakia, Scotland, Slovenia, Lithuania, Malta

DAMMIT! (*deep breath) ALWAYS TH’ANGLISH! I DUNN’A CARE IF FAILIN’ MEANS YER PLAYIN’ – IMM’A TIRED OF ALWAYS WATCHIN’ THE SAME OL’ T’ING! IS THERE NUTHIN’ THAT CANN’A DISTRACT ME FROM THIS ETERNAL PAIN?!

STILL, GOTTA FOCUS ON WHUSS PRACTICAL. WE CANN’A BEAT THE ANGLISH, SO BEST T’ FOCUS ON WHUPPING THE REST OF THE LOT:

SLOVAKS? BLOODY GYPSIES! NEXT:

SLOVENIA? LAZY CROATS! NEXT:

LITHUANIA? PFFT! NO BETTER T’AN POLACKS! NEXT:

MALTA? IS THAT EVEN A PLACE?! I T’OUGHT IT WAS A BOGART FILM!

NOICE! IMM’A STARTIN’ T’ FEEL BETTER ABOUT T’INGS!

AWRIGHT THEN, SECOND PLACE OR BUST! THAT SEEMS ACHIEVABLE! THERE’S ONLY ONE THING LEFF T’ SAY AT A TIME LIKE THIS:

GOD BLESS YA, RODDY! BRINGS A TEAR TO ME EYE EVERY TIME!