Hillary Clinton Gets a New Campaign Adviser

[BROOKLYN, NEW YORK: HILLARY CLINTON’S CAMPAIGN OFFICE HEADQUARTERS]

ROBBY MOOK: …and that’s why I’m no longer allowed at the Costco on 118th Street. But enough about my day off! As your Campaign Manager, I want to be the first to congratulate you on officially being declared the presumptive nominee!

HILLARY CLINTON: Thank you, Robby! I really feel that this is a major turning point in my campaign to give Americans a sensible voice in this election!

MOOK: Yes, well, about that. Now that you are going head to head with Donald Trump, we would like to change tactics a little bit. It seems that people tend to find you disingenuous, almost like you’re constantly pandering to them.

CLINTON: I like it!

MOOK: While I know that is certainly not the case, we decided to seek outside help. We needed to find someone who has managed to consistently take over something successful and just keep it going. Someone who can do a mediocre job, but yet skirt any blame whatsoever for their eventual failure. Someone… who can really blend into the background and take no responsibility for what happens.

CLINTON: I like it!

MOOK: I thought you might. Well, that search has lead us to the National Football League itself! We are very excited to introduce you to your newest campaign adviser…

[CLINTON turns around in her chair, expecting that the office DOOR FLIES OPEN]

[Nothing happens]

MOOK: Madam Secretary? He’s been sitting right next to you this whole time.

MOOK: I’d like to introduce you to Jim Caldwell, Head Coach of the Detroit Lions!

JIM CALDWELL: …………..hi.

CLINTON: Oh! Hello there! Nice to meet you! I’m sorry that I didn’t see you there.

CALDWELL: …………..it’s okay.

MOOK: Coach Caldwell has come up with a rather impressive idea that we feel is a sure way to help you win the election!

CLINTON: I like it!

CALDWELL: …………..that’s a problem.

MOOK: What Coach Caldwell means to say, is that you are a little too excited about many things. This brings a lot of attention to you, and lets your opponent attack your opinions and plans. So, we’ve come up with a great way around all of that. Whenever you are asked to speak, all you need to do is repeat one line. Coach?

CALDWELL: …………..I’m not Trump.

CLINTON: I like it!

MOOK: Eh, we’ll work on it.

[Editors note: I feel like I need to say “no offense” after using “Mook” (now) 10 times.]

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