Hillary Clinton Gets a New Campaign Adviser

[BROOKLYN, NEW YORK: HILLARY CLINTON’S CAMPAIGN OFFICE HEADQUARTERS]

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ROBBY MOOK: …and that’s why I’m no longer allowed at the Costco on 118th Street. But enough about my day off! As your Campaign Manager, I want to be the first to congratulate you on officially being declared the presumptive nominee!

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HILLARY CLINTON: Thank you, Robby! I really feel that this is a major turning point in my campaign to give Americans a sensible voice in this election!

MOOK: Yes, well, about that. Now that you are going head to head with Donald Trump, we would like to change tactics a little bit. It seems that people tend to find you disingenuous, almost like you’re constantly pandering to them.

CLINTON: I like it!

MOOK: While I know that is certainly not the case, we decided to seek outside help. We needed to find someone who has managed to consistently take over something successful and just keep it going. Someone who can do a mediocre job, but yet skirt any blame whatsoever for their eventual failure. Someone… who can really blend into the background and take no responsibility for what happens.

CLINTON: I like it!

MOOK: I thought you might. Well, that search has lead us to the National Football League itself! We are very excited to introduce you to your newest campaign adviser…

[CLINTON turns around in her chair, expecting that the office DOOR FLIES OPEN]

[Nothing happens]

MOOK: Madam Secretary? He’s been sitting right next to you this whole time.

Hillary-Shrug
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MOOK: I’d like to introduce you to Jim Caldwell, Head Coach of the Detroit Lions!

Caldwell-lampshade

JIM CALDWELL: …………..hi.

CLINTON: Oh! Hello there! Nice to meet you! I’m sorry that I didn’t see you there.

CALDWELL: …………..it’s okay.

MOOK: Coach Caldwell has come up with a rather impressive idea that we feel is a sure way to help you win the election!

CLINTON: I like it!

CALDWELL: …………..that’s a problem.

MOOK: What Coach Caldwell means to say, is that you are a little too excited about many things. This brings a lot of attention to you, and lets your opponent attack your opinions and plans. So, we’ve come up with a great way around all of that. Whenever you are asked to speak, all you need to do is repeat one line. Coach?

CALDWELL: …………..I’m not Trump.

CLINTON: I like it!

MOOK: Eh, we’ll work on it.

Hilary-Lamp-Shade

[Editors note: I feel like I need to say “no offense” after using “Mook” (now) 10 times.]

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.
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Moose -The End Is Well NighSenor Weaselopackman_jonRikki-Tikki-Deadlyblaxabbath Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Senor Weaselo

A surprise Jim Caldwell article? I like it!

ballsofsteelandfury

Just an awesome job. Just perfect.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I keep adding “… or what the Eagles are to football” to the banner quote

“Bud Light is to beer what The Eagles are to music.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Unrelated: the scrolling text really does work for every day

Enrico Pallazzo

Caldwell is likely to suggest the perfect running mate to work Americans into a frenzy…

Sparano’s Football

blaxabbath

Wouldn’t be the first buried individual to cast a vote for a Democrat, amirite?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

CAMPAIGN MANAGER: We need you to get your hands on Hillary’s arrest record from that crackhouse shootout and make it disappear. I mean really bury it deep.

SPARANO’S FOOTBALL: …

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

“We needed to find someone who has managed to consistently take over something successful and just keep it going. Someone who can do a mediocre job, but yet skirt any blame whatsoever for their eventual failure. Someone… who can really blend into the background and take no responsibility for what happens.”

If you replace Jim Caldwell with Jeff Fisher it still makes a ton of sense.

blaxabbath

Imagine if America could just be a consistent 8-8……

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s actually where I thought he was going with this.

packman_jon

hey guys

blaxabbath

Hello. How are you? A/S/L?

packman_jon

69/420/Weed, CA

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A political consultant who consistently fails to deliver positive results but still manages to find employment anyway? I take it Bob Shrum was busy?

Old School Zero

Mike McCoy would have advised her to stay the course and just make the best call at the time. Just try to do what’s best for the team. Stay the course. Call in the moment. Best for team. ERROR 403 COACHBOT RESTARTING

blaxabbath

“When you’re in the South, they want you to talk with a southern drawl. Like you got a mouthful of molasses. Trust me, this is a good idea.”

-Campaign Manager McCoy

King Hippo

The entire election cycle will be HillyBob, Barry, and soon-to-be VP-elect Warren trolling the shit out of Trump until his wee little brain implodes. It’s gonna be fucking hilarious.

I take comfort in the fact that apparently almost everyone who works closely with HillyBob for any amount of time comes to really, REALLY like her. She’s just not a smooth campaigner, and has an unfortunate penchant for secrecy.

But she’s at least a B+ on policy, and most importantly….and I can’t fucking stress this enough…she’s not a narcissistic sociopath. That’s kind of a big deal, ya know, all things considered.

Fronkenshteen

Do you think Warren is more valuable in the Senate, or as VP?
I’ll hang up and listen.

blaxabbath

Warren would make $230k as VP but only $174k as a Senator. Even assuming the thumb you gotta mail out as proof of life costs you a straight 3.5%, I’d think her total earnings are greater as a career Senator than as an 8-year VP, at which point she’d have to become the President or go into lobbying, maxing out her public earnings at only 16 years.

Short answer: Senator.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, and only your first term is guaranteed money anyway.

jjfozz

For the first time in my life I am seriously worried about the future of our country. I’m not bullshitting you guys.

How in fuck did we come to this?

blaxabbath

Baltimore won the Super Bowl and this made other cities want to emulate the champions. Pretty simple really. US Politics is a copycat league.

jjfozz

When you come to Baltimore this summer for vacation, we are gonna party like fucking madmen.

blaxabbath

I’m in the minority here but I honestly have absolutely no business in Baltimore.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Agreed; I ain’t traveling that far for some crack.

SonOfSpam

Eh, I think Hillary’s fine. Pretty much gonna be a continuation of the Obama years, which I’m ok with. I really don’t see Trump getting anywhere near the electoral votes that McCain or Romney got.

Sorry…I mean BENGHAZI!!!1!1!1!@!!

blaxabbath

Oh yeah, the Electoral College rules will assure Trump never gets near securing the Presidency.

I’m not a fan of Hillary either but, shit, at least I know how the system works now. I got my mortgage, I got my tax guy, I got my retirement guy, and I got my discharge papers — really, I just don’t want the rules changing on me all of a sudden. Beyond that, what the hell do I really care if we’re throwing more wars or giving more money to Wall Street? It ain’t like I was going to get any of it anyways.

And, though I find her TPP emails being withheld until post-election a much more serious matter…

http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/755/369/a08.jpg

Duchess

That’s the thing about Hillary… she has had to put up with a lot of shit and make a lot of backroom deals, step on a lot of toes just to be considered equal to a bullshit psychopathic conman.

Its just further historical proof that the only thing that scares white people more than a black man in power… is a woman with power.

blaxabbath
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sometimes we need to take a beating.

blaxabbath

I gotta say, that image at the end does make Hillary much more relate-able.