Your “Hump Day Brings Us Closer To FOOTBAW!” Wednesday Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

[edited to add banner pic and CFL game info]

NFL News:

  • Myles Jack has been moved up to first team reps at Jags camp.
  • Leon Hall is getting interest from the Bengals and Giants, both of whom need additional help on the corner.
  • Donovan McNabb would like you to know he has views on the current state of Eagles quarterbacking. VIEWS!
  • Joey Bosa & the Chargers – still not talking.
  • The Bennett brothers? Talking lots. Good stuff too.
    • My favourite?
      • Brock Osweiler
        • Michael: “I’ve got more sacks than he’s got touchdowns.”
        • Martellus: “I’ve caught more balls than he’s completed.”
  • Jordy Nelson says Jordy Nelson is doing fine. Why would you question Jordy Nelson about Jordy Nelson’s knee, asks Jordy Nelson.
  • The Dog Show
    • Good PUP: Darrelle Revis returned to limited practice
    • Bad PUP: Alshon Jeffrey & Danny Trevathan – day-to-day
  • Stolen from the next Crimebeat!
    • Brandon Browner – no charges for assaulting his girlfriend’s father
    • Demaryius Thomas – President Obama commuted the rest of his grandmother’s sentence for drug trafficking.
      • Barry O has now freed two generations of Thomas women in consecutive years. WILL THAT HELP HILLARY IN COLORADO?!

Special Cowboys Schadenfreude Update:

  • Ezekiel Elliot has a tender hammy, and will “miss some time”.
  • Kellen Moore has a broken ankle, and could miss a lot of time because they had to cut him open to fix it.
    • Here’s the money quote:
      • “It’s a devastating blow for Moore, who has overcome a lack of physical gifts to survive five seasons in the NFL.”
    • That’s just mean; he’s not Tebow, for fuck’s sake.
  • Thus, the Cowboys have decided – 24 hours after saying they had no interest – to kick the tires on Nick Foles. Wither Kyle Orton?!

Want to feel ill?


Even the Hall of Fame thinks little of the Jets.

The Brett Favre locker on display at the Hall prior to enshrinement weekend contains a Packers & Vikings jersey, but no sign of the one year he spent in the Meadowlands. I’d like to think Jenn Sterger took it as compensation.


Tonight’s sports:

  • Olympics 2016:
    • Women’s soccer (U.S. vs. New Zealand) – 6:00 (NBCSN)
    • Women’s soccer (France vs. Colombia) – 9:00 (NBCSN)
  • MLB: Mets @ Yankees – 7:00 (ESPN)
  • International Champions Cup Soccer:
    • Bayern Munich vs. Real Madrid – 7:30 (ESPN2)
    • AC Milan vs. Chelsea – 9:30 (ESPN2)
  • CFL: Hamilton @ Winnipeg – 8:30 (TSN)

Soccer seems to be the only event Rio 2016 is actually ready for. Make sure to read Balls’ fantastic travelogue about visiting Rio. Then, LET’S BET ON DEATHS!

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

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Sill Bimmons
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Sill Bimmons

The national basedball game is fucking Mets–Yankees.

I get 324 Mets and Yankees games every year on networks that are dedicated to the teams.

I guess it’s too much to ask that the game be blacked out locally.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Texas at Baltimore
Catch the narcolepsy.

scotchnaut
Member

Throwback Wednesday-Julius Erving

https://youtu.be/SyLOh7IkepM

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Am I a bad person for bringing multiple crepes onto a packed Southwest flight? Or am I a bad person for not giving a fuck?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Someone called for a creep.
Fine, I’m here…wtf do you want?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

/would totally be a creep to them…I mean her.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Yes.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I wouldn’t judge if you made a breather opening in one, put it on your face and went to sleep.

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

I brought back tacos from a backyard party on a flight from LAX. I approve of the crepe smuggling.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Pictured…Why tWBS hates the middle seat.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

If you missed it; check out Porky’s sick Tara Reid BURN below.

Porky Prime
Member
Porky Prime

Sadly, I’m much prouder of the “Modern Pantathlon” pun that no one liked.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, most of my jokes are enjoyed mostly by me.

But that was one hell of a reference; I didn’t see it the first time.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

I liked it!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Since the response of my first pic with Kelley O’Hara was that Alex Morgan is better. Then love for them both. I feel obligated to let you know pics of them bathing together exist

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Last one is the best and much bigger but is imgur. You probably know how to fix it by now

http://i.imgur.com/hmrFsDT.png

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

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scotchnaut
Member

Throwback Wednesday-Bernard King

https://youtu.be/poHEMLd9Z4g

Sill Bimmons
Member
Porky Prime
Member
Porky Prime

Is that the Modern Pantathlon?

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

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Gratliff
Member

So after my ex-wife separated from me during her mid-life crisis she suffered at the reasonable age of 26, she decided to go shooting with her friends. She hadn’t shot a gun in 15 years, as it was something she did once or twice with her dad when she went hunting with him as a kid. The very first thing she tried to do was shoot a scoped hunting rifle, which she actually succeeded at doing. She also split her forehead open when she ate the scope during the kickback. Not only did she get me and her mother mocking her openly in public for not knowing what she was doing, but her gun-loving friends gave her the exact same treatment while she was still bleeding. Warms my heart to this day.

Porky Prime
Member
Porky Prime

Still unwise to mock an already scorned woman who is practicing on the range with a scope.

Gratliff
Member

Oh, she had no intention of giving me the sweet release of death at that point.

Porky Prime
Member
Porky Prime

Not Demaryius Thomas’s grandmother…

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
entropy
Member

I’m going to the bar. Best part of saying that? The gif search basically resulted in GIFs from either Happy Endings, Parks & Rec, or Don’t Trust the Bitch In Apt 23.

Here’s Chloe:

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Porky Prime
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Porky Prime

I was wondering what happened to Tara Reid, thanks Moose.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK; if we could banner a gif that response would be banner material.

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN!

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

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scotchnaut
Member

Throwback Wednesday!

https://youtu.be/qXbc7SsOkdA

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It is more than 15 years old…….

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Exact wording of the pardon:
“In honor of your playoff performance, Demaryius, the charges against your grandmother have been dropped.”

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons
Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait
entropy
Member

What is “sport climbing?”

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

No idea. but fucking speedwalking is a sport.

entropy
Member

We’re what, 8 years out from Zumba as an Olympic event?

Porky Prime
Member
Porky Prime

Is Greco-Roman wrestling still out? They should have Lucha Libre as an event.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

I’m guessing this guy flames out at the Regional level:

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy
Member

Hooch IS crazy…

Gratliff
Member

…Are they chanting Zika at Hope Solo?

Sill Bimmons
Member
entropy
Member

Every time people ask me why I no longer skate, I show them things like this. I then suck in my gut and say, “this has nothing to do with a loss in balance.”

Porky Prime
Member
Porky Prime

Prayer of the Rollerboys 2 is coming along nicely.

entropy
Member

My god nice reference.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Wooooooooooo footbaw

Sill Bimmons
Member
entropy
Member

This guy is actually a friend of mine, and he keeps fucking his head up as evidenced in the video:

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

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entropy
Member

Matz fucking up what should have been an easy night against the Yankees. Christ I had high hopes for that kid.

Porky Prime
Member
Porky Prime

Ezekiel has a nice tender hammy? And it’s not even thanksgiving!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Did you want jelly on your toast?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Myles is Jacked up?

entropy
Member

I thought ESPN did away with that segment?

Porky Prime
Member
Porky Prime

Del Taco has the Jacked Up burrito.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Jacked Up [anus] Burrito.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Martellus is gay?

entropy
Member

Hey all from the Depths of Eagles Country, where the local radio switches between “the Eagles are 5 years away from competing” to random sounds of various forms of suicide. Perhaps the most entertaining thing I’ve heard came up two days ago when I heard someone compare Doug Pederson to “that daytime stripper with the c-section scar… you wanna ask the owner what the fuck he’s doing putting her out there.”

I am, of course, loving every minute of it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Doug Pederson is currently rated the most ruggedly handsome NFL by Us Weekly.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

That’s somebody’s fetish

entropy
Member

Just like being an Eagles fan, I suppose.

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

Masochism in a nutshell right there.

entropy
Member

Keep in mind, I am a Jets fan, and I get to make fun of the Eagles. I liken it to there being some sort of Short Bus Heirarchy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I was expecting to have missed a bunch of comments on the USWNT because I watched the first half laying in bed instead of near the computer. I am dissapointed. You get a Kelley O’Hara gif anyways

http://66.media.tumblr.com/3a65bb96a9cd95775c6668dc3a3cb811/tumblr_n9o0qh2eGz1r426i4o2_250.gif

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
entropy
Member

I’m kinda partial to Alex Morgan, my own self:

http://cdn-s3.si.com/s3fs-public/2015/01/19/op44-232096-raw1200.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Too close; I’d have to completely disgust both of them to make any data based judgement.

entropy
Member

I would immediately sign up for any opportunity to thoroughly disappoint both or either of them, at any time.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

After all this time I have been conditioned to think it is sexy when a woman throws up a little.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*not related to length.

Brocky
Member

Evening Gents: I have an update, because I know you’re all so invested in my dental health

I’ll give you the blow by blow in that annoying format that’s popping up on the internet.

*Be Brocky

*Have two baby molars that never grew in, one on each side of lower jaw

*Teeth get infected, molars need to be pulled

*Allow yourself to freak out at the prospect of looking like an Alabama fan

*Dread the cost of titanium reinforced implants

*Starve yourself the night before and morning before appoint, assuming you’re going to be put under

*Arrive at dentist

*Notice that Dentist has LSU certificate on wall

*Dental assistant gives you the same about of local anesthesia for a filling

*Dentist takes those vice grips, right tooth comes out with no resistance

*Dentists says, “huh, that was easy, want me to do the other so you don’t need to make another appointment”

*give a thumbs up because my i’m at the fucking dentist

*Dentist reaches over with pliers, other baby molar pops out with no resistance, imagine it was with a sound effect.

*Feel ripped off, I could have done that at home

*Go home, look in mirror

*Run around house looking for a hanging pail can so you can hang it in your mouth

*Post to SnapChat

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Getting the front ones pulled will make you a lot more popular on the cellblock.

Don T
Member

A pic of a bloody mouth with a couple of holes might actually make awesome that SC’s silly little ghost avatar frame.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is also someone’s fetish.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

It doesn’t take physical gifts to be a mediocre at best backup quarterback in the NFL?! FUCK! Why in the hell did I spend my college years focusing on academics?! My advisor lied to me!

/Tries to kick textbook
//Falls on ass
///Is winded trying to get up

Put… [cough] Put me in [wheeze] Coach!

Brocky
Member

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

“I’m ready to go in Coach!”

— Trent Green, to a phone pole

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I’m going to put the over/under on athletes that die during the Olympics or directly from Olympics-related causes (illness, eventually succumbing to gunshot wounds, poisoned with polonium-210 because they got a little too “talky” regarding the Russian “nutrition” program) at 1.5.

entropy
Member

Every time I picture the pools at the Rio Olympics, I see the water from The Naked Gun with the “For God’s Sake Don’t Swim Here” sign in front of it.

scotchnaut
Member

“Back in our day, we’d have taken those odds in a heartbeat!”

-surviving members of Black September

Unsurprised
Member
scotchnaut
Member

“Huh. As a concept, ‘fucking prison’ has brought in a lot of dough over the years.”

-several soft-porn directors

scotchnaut
Member

[insert below Unsurprised comment]

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Demaryius’s grandmother was sentenced to life in fucking prison!? Jesus Christ. This country.

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