Your “Hump Day Brings Us Closer To FOOTBAW!” Wednesday Open Thread

[edited to add banner pic and CFL game info]

NFL News:

  • Myles Jack has been moved up to first team reps at Jags camp.
  • Leon Hall is getting interest from the Bengals and Giants, both of whom need additional help on the corner.
  • Donovan McNabb would like you to know he has views on the current state of Eagles quarterbacking. VIEWS!
  • Joey Bosa & the Chargers – still not talking.
  • The Bennett brothers? Talking lots. Good stuff too.
    • My favourite?
      • Brock Osweiler
        • Michael: “I’ve got more sacks than he’s got touchdowns.”
        • Martellus: “I’ve caught more balls than he’s completed.”
  • Jordy Nelson says Jordy Nelson is doing fine. Why would you question Jordy Nelson about Jordy Nelson’s knee, asks Jordy Nelson.
  • The Dog Show
    • Good PUP: Darrelle Revis returned to limited practice
    • Bad PUP: Alshon Jeffrey & Danny Trevathan – day-to-day
  • Stolen from the next Crimebeat!
    • Brandon Browner – no charges for assaulting his girlfriend’s father
    • Demaryius Thomas – President Obama commuted the rest of his grandmother’s sentence for drug trafficking.
      • Barry O has now freed two generations of Thomas women in consecutive years. WILL THAT HELP HILLARY IN COLORADO?!

Special Cowboys Schadenfreude Update:

  • Ezekiel Elliot has a tender hammy, and will “miss some time”.
  • Kellen Moore has a broken ankle, and could miss a lot of time because they had to cut him open to fix it.
    • Here’s the money quote:
      • “It’s a devastating blow for Moore, who has overcome a lack of physical gifts to survive five seasons in the NFL.”
    • That’s just mean; he’s not Tebow, for fuck’s sake.
  • Thus, the Cowboys have decided – 24 hours after saying they had no interest – to kick the tires on Nick Foles. Wither Kyle Orton?!

Want to feel ill?


Even the Hall of Fame thinks little of the Jets.

The Brett Favre locker on display at the Hall prior to enshrinement weekend contains a Packers & Vikings jersey, but no sign of the one year he spent in the Meadowlands. I’d like to think Jenn Sterger took it as compensation.


Tonight’s sports:

  • Olympics 2016:
    • Women’s soccer (U.S. vs. New Zealand) – 6:00 (NBCSN)
    • Women’s soccer (France vs. Colombia) – 9:00 (NBCSN)
  • MLB: Mets @ Yankees – 7:00 (ESPN)
  • International Champions Cup Soccer:
    • Bayern Munich vs. Real Madrid – 7:30 (ESPN2)
    • AC Milan vs. Chelsea – 9:30 (ESPN2)
  • CFL: Hamilton @ Winnipeg – 8:30 (TSN)

Soccer seems to be the only event Rio 2016 is actually ready for. Make sure to read Balls’ fantastic travelogue about visiting Rio. Then, LET’S BET ON DEATHS!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Unsurprised is a smart man. Brazilian women is a good theme for late night pictures

http://66.media.tumblr.com/2f3aa2ada0b0f85b7283b4a5a5c543b2/tumblr_obaocjREG71rhjw0do1_500.jpg

Unsurprised

The Rio Olympics welcoming committee?
http://i.imgbox.com/lej0JFAs.jpg

theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Here’s one I never got up the other night (yeah I know, phrasing).
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Well, back at Dulles. What did I miss?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Does that sum it up? Did I forget anything?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

There were some replies to the Kathy Bates comments that were more or less this. Otherwise I think you got it

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Brick Meathook

Sorry I missed you in El Segundo the other night. I worked late and didn’t see Ball’s invite until midnight. Hopefully next time!

Brick Meathook

But Karl Malden likes her!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

http://67.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxlnv6qFGp1qgcra2o1_r1_500.gif

Rebecca Gayheart | Rose McGowan | Julie Benz ~ Jawbreaker (1999)

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I brought up I could fix consoles earlier, but it is buried a few comment deep and I want to shame as many people as possible on gaming systems you threw out and spent $300 dollars more on to get a new one up top. Not 100% of the time but a good 95%. To fix a cartridge based system, take it apart and clean the connectors where the cartridge goes in. Things you assume might work don’t and there are expensive products you can use to do the job. Or you could just use a pencil eraser and it works better and leaves no chemical residue if you blow it all out. The PS2 can be fixed if it stops playing all or some of the types of discs by just opening it up all the way and adjusting the laser eye by 2 clicks clockwise on the gear next to the laser, if that doesn’t work try one more. Other newer systems have easy fixes like that you can find if you look for them, except the xbox 360, when you got red ringed of death that was actual hardware failure.

Sill Bimmons

Do you know anything about vintage Game Boys?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Unless it is a screen or power supply issue. Same thing applies to other cartridge games. The one tricky thing with nintendo is they started using screws that aren’t standard. To create your own nintendo screwdriver buy cheep plastic pens, not bic but the clear thicker ones. take the pen shit out and hold a lighter to either end depending which side looks like it will fit better and jam the molten plastic onto the screw to for a quick one use screwdriver

SonOfSpam

You can fix a console, but can you console The Fixx?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

Pennsylvania or Russia?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Romania?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

DO NOT LAUGH!
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I TOLD YOU NOT TO LAUGH!

I laughed.

Brocky

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Don T

BAHahahahHAHA! I would’ve totally done that, but mostly to write a common name for a pet or lame innuendo, like Muffy Testes.

Unsurprised

Kim Wilde (from the same guy who made those. Must’ve been slow in the gif mines today)
http://gfycat.com/AcidicEmbellishedAvocet
http://gfycat.com/MassiveElementaryAlligatorgar
http://gfycat.com/ArcticBriskBobcat

Unsurprised

Kim Novak

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Duchess

So the GF has an affinity towards shows on Freeform well basically hate watching Petty Little Liars like it’s the last few seasons of Dexter. So we have been watching Guilt. It is not too bad Billy Zane is pretty good in it.

SonOfSpam
Unsurprised
SonOfSpam

Damn, Jered Weaver pitches like my love life; he peaks in the mid-80s and he only gets anyone via deception.

blaxabbath

You know, I wish I knew something about art. I want to get some pieces for our house (pretty much all blank walls here) but….I wouldnt even know where to start.

Sharkbait
SonOfSpam

I haven’t had Mexican food in a while.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No, he’s a Pollock….

/sorry

SonOfSpam

Nagel never goes out of style unless it’s somehow after 1988.

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Don T

Great. Now even the universe is nudging me to get a haircut.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

When I was living in a really nice 2 story apartment that was amazingly furnished and always spotlessly clean. My roommate hung a version of this up that was 6 feet wide and beautifully framed on the wall across from the door so it was the first thing you saw when you walked in. I would go with something like this

http://nme.assets.ipccdn.co.uk/images/SnapGalleries180311.article_x4.jpg

Unsurprised

That would be an excellent addition once I get a job.

I need a job.

I’m going to kill everyone if I don’t get one soon.

Don T

It may seem pretentious, but neon sculptures bring vibrancy to a master bedroom.
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Don T

This is how I imagine the first sale went down:
-Are they dicks? Guns? I’ll give you $4,000
-Actually, both.
-$4,000
-Surely you jest! This is a metaphor for modern ennui absorbing the primal essence of man.
-$8,000
-*annoyed* The medium is kitschy commercial lighting to enhance… I’m sorry. I don’t think this piece is for you. But there are some watercolors of ferrets on a Ferris Wheels instead of a treadmill… Well, the artist is that gentleman over there. He can explain to you patiently…
-$50,000
-Shipping and overhad costs are 75% extra payable on delivery. Will you be paying in cash or kilos?

Don T

The Cowboys situation is terrible. I was really looking forward to seeing them play at full strength, maybe get the #2 seed in the NFC.
Just out of curiosity: should one drive after taking a Klonopin?

blaxabbath

It’s amazing how little DAL manages to get out of so much talent.

Don T

BUT LOOK AT THAT OFFENSIVE LINE! HANDPICKED BY THE OWNER HISSELF!1!11!1!

God forbid they EVER even fucking sign a not-terrible backup QB.

blaxabbath

Nick Foles man.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Yes and No, respectively

Brocky

Not sound like a junkie, but man I feel like I got jipped by the denist not giving me any pain killers. my gums are on fire!

Guess I should look into alternative medicine:

http://p2.pstatp.com/large/6847/1072950179

Unsurprised

I wish I could help.

Brocky

How’s your knowledge of chakra?

I put the healing stones inside my mouth, not sure if that’s correct

Unsurprised

Wrong hole

Unsurprised

Getting closer

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

Oh God, no, why, no, why

Brocky

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Sill Bimmons

Winning baseball sure was fun.

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Doktor Zymm

I’m not staying. I’ve started replaying Shenmue in way too early anticipation of Shenmue 3 and HOLY SHIT NOSTALGIA BOMB. I’m about five minutes in and I’m remembering why I love this game and its sequel.

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Gratliff

I want my beta version kickstarter rewards already!

Gratliff

Also, forklift driving was much better when I wasn’t doing it to make a living

Doktor Zymm

I want my beta version kickstarter reward after I play with this kitten!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I bought Shenmue and before I could play a minute my Dreamcast died. So I never have played this game even though I heard great things about it from a bunch of people and had to buy a used copy that I paid more than the cost of the new price for because it was already rare and beloved.

Doktor Zymm

I have 1 and the UK version of 2. I also have 2 Dreamcasts, both of which I have repaired at some point, and the one I have hooked up seems to be working just dandy. If you have a good local used games shop in the area, worth asking about repairs, if it’s only $20, DO IT.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I honestly could probably fix it myself. I have fixed a ton of consoles (mine and unfortunately when they found out I could do it, many, many other peoples consoles). I didn’t have the motivation to even look into trying until you just brought the game up.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

“And then we had sex”
“What? Why?”
“I don’t know. I was lonely. She was there. Why does anyone have sex?”

The new season of Bojack Horseman is great. This was just the quote I heard last, not nearly the best. (watching ep 7 now)

blaxabbath

I see it netflix. I like “mainstream” adults cartoons (South Park, American Dad, Archer, Futurama) but don’t care for the more, I don’t know, from the Ren & Stimpy vein. Would I like Bojack?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Not at all Ren and Stimpy, not really the others you mentioned either. Much more depressing dark humor than those. I would give it a chance Fantastic cast of voice actors, Will Arnett, Amy Sedaris, Alison Brie, Paul F. Tomkims, Aaron Paul and then amazing guest stars.

blaxabbath

I’ll give it a run.

Unsurprised

I couldn’t get into it and gave up in the first episode.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I can understand this view of the show too

Gratliff

To be fair, it’s notoriously slow building to the second half of the first season. Sites had to rewrite reviews of it due to the drastic shift in tone and quality

Unsurprised

How are the Green and Libertarian parties able to muster the resources to run presidential candidates but couldn’t get a fucking mayor elected if they were spotted 49% of the turnout.

blaxabbath

Best of the rest?

Duchess

Caitlyn Jenner is on Any Given Wednesday…. She reminds me of the Penguin from the old Batman TV Show.

Duchess

News is on… I freaking I’m already tired of listening to any and all interviews with neighbors or people on the street. If I wanted to listen to a vain asshole pretending they know something about an issue they obviously never thought of before being asked… I’d watch a Trump speech.

Shogun Marcus

I usually look in a mirror.

Redshirt

I usually go to work.

Sill Bimmons

Pirates’ season officially dies tonight if they lose this one.

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Gratliff

As much as we all love Bill Burr for obliterating Philadelphia, I will always remember how he made me feel better after the Yankees beat the Phillies in the WS.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBKvoIe0xRs

Gratliff

Oh right, the relevant point was the “Hang in there, Pittsburgh” line. Was too busy making it about me.

King Hippo

Letting the 15-year old having some “drive after dark” practice. Hoping not to die this close to pre-season kickoff WOO!!!

Redshirt

God be with you…hopefully not in person momentarily.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I believe we call what Brandon Browner did “a little, ‘How’s your father?'”

Sill Bimmons

“Terrible. Some giant football player just beat the shit out of him.”

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I guess he browned his sausage.

Sharkbait

3-0 France over Columbia.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Matt Wieters: Quickly becoming my favorite white male in EVAR.

Sill Bimmons

Pirates could have drafted him, but this was back in the Signability Problem Era so they drafted some relief pitcher named Anus O’Feces who was out of baseball in like three years.

theeWeeBabySeamus

With a name like that, I sure hope so.

Sill Bimmons

All of those O’Feces kids would up shitting the bed.

Sill Bimmons

/wound up grrr

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Drafting a reliever in the first round is insanity on all levels.

The Mets did that a couple of times under Minaya.

Sill Bimmons

Atheists Watch “God’s Not Dead 2”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMn5eZUEFb4

http://d1luj6bq3j7ijk.cloudfront.net/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/GodsNotDead2Poster.jpg

You just know that Sabrina’s apple bottom in that poster there led to Tent Revivals all over the Bible Belt.

Gratliff

I like that “Teach Don’t Preach” is what the bad guys protest for

theeWeeBabySeamus

I like the apple bottom.
But that’s just me.

Redshirt

You want to show that God’s not dead? Take the money you spent on this movie and help feed the hungry, care for the sick, clothe the needy, and shelter the homeless. God blessed you so you can share His blessings with others.

Gratliff

Hey now, feeding the poor doesn’t help fight the gays

Duchess

They rejected my spec script 2 Gods 2 Furious it was about Zeus and Yahweh making Jobs life suck because of a $1 bet.

Sill Bimmons

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

JESUS FUCKING HERBERT CHRIST!

Redshirt

Ah, the Libertarians are back! Have they changed their slogan to “We’re not Hillary and Trump” or “Go ahead, throw your vote away!” yet?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Juxtaposed with Sills comment I worry it looks like I don’t know the difference between Libertarians and the Green Party. They both use legalize it as a way to lure in stoners in college. This was bugging me too much for a random post on a dick joke football blog so I am posting this 20 minutes after everyone has already scrolled over it and formed an opinion anyways.

Sill Bimmons

“Vaccines and WiFi are killing your children!”

Oh, wait, that’s the modern Green Party.

http://www.ucjournalism.org/wp-content/uploads/ocmx-gallery/large/gp_02.jpg

Thanks for killing the movement, Jill Stein “M.D.”

Duchess
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Has a tagline added but non imgur

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

Love that flick.

The jig is up.
AND GONE!!!!!!!!

Sharkbait

It’s too bad films like History of the World and Blazing Saddles have zero chance at getting made today.

Though to be fair they also have close to zero chance of getting RE made. So thats a good thing.

Redshirt

Yes, and it teaches a lesson about tolerance and acceptance that is so desperately needed in today’s time.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Rolling Papyrus.

Sharkbait

E-Z Widus

Duchess

Thanks to Jenn Sterger we all found out why Favre picked the number 4.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sill Bimmons

Yep. We’re done here.

Redshirt

I look forward to reading this on the top of all DFO pages in the near future.

Sharkbait

I have that episode in a futurama box set. I still refuse to watch it.

Redshirt

I still remember where I was when I first watched that episode. I turned off the TV and lights and stared into the darkness, I was that shaken by it.

Gratliff

Anyone that says they’re not immediately wrecked by that ending is lying. If you have no soul, that scene will give you one just to crush it.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am not even joking. That image popped up as the screen autorefreshed and my eyes were immediately filled with tears. I mostly held off crying. 1 tear might have slipped

Sill Bimmons

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Sharkbait

Colombian own goal? Someone is getting murdered for that.

Sill Bimmons

From the So Stupid It Burns Department:

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Just…why?

Sill Bimmons

grrr

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herodotus450

Moar liek a General Li imhot

Unsurprised

Because reddit, dude

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Is it a catch?

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Gazelle moved as it hit the ground. No catch

Gratliff

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Unsurprised

Touchdown Seahawks

Sill Bimmons

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theeWeeBabySeamus

But his chicken is so yummy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons

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Gratliff

That reminds me, I need to play through Stick of Truth again before Fractured But Whole comes out.