So for the two of you who actually saw my post earlier, sorry for the headfake. I lost my grandfather last night (ironically, he had the winning square for “How Long Will He Outlive My Grandmother?”) and I was getting all emo and Goth Aaron Rodgers and shit.

But then I remembered what his driving passion was: unreasoning hatred in pointless competition. He was a sweet man to all he met in person, and could take the body-blows of life with good humor (he was the one who started the pool above). But show him a competitive sport (or even “sport”- looking at you, cheerleading) and he would instantly have incredibly strong opinions that this team or that runner or the other cricketer (cricketeer?) was the worst/dirtiest/shittiest X he had ever seen in his life. Sure, he would sometimes glom on to someone as a favorite in just as irrational a manner (he always insisted that Brady Quinn could have been the second-coming of Dan Marino if the Browns hadn’t “ruined” him). But usually hate was the engine that drove him, and watching this caring man randomly turn into an Iggles-Fan-Level hater when I first showed him BattleBots (first incarnation) remains one of my most cherished memories.

So instead of doing the right thing and coming to terms with my grieving before my family descends on the town for the funeral, I am going to honor his memory with SCATHING HOT TAEKS on things I shouldn’t give a shit about.

BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED!

Howie Roseman

CHARGE: Inciting a riot

Ok, to be fair it’s difficult not to incite a riot in Philly, but still.

As noted last week, current right tackle/heir presumptive left tackle Lane Johnson is staring down a ten-game PED suspension. This comes about six months after he signed a five-year, $35.5 million-guaranteed contract, in what was Roseman’s first significant move since the counter-coup that put him back in power.

Then he traded away three potentially solid building blocks (Kiko Alonso, Byron Maxwell and Demarco Murray) because they had the Chipstank.

Then he signed two expensive and suspect quarterbacks in Sam Bradford and Chase Spaniel. THEN he got another quarterback in Carson Wentz, who was expensive in both salary for a third-stringer and what it took to get him: two first round, one second round, one third round and a fourth round pick to move up six places.

Which threw his most expensive quarterback into a pout.

Then the World’s Most Expensive Hayseed got his ribs cracked in his first outing, doing very little to allay fears of how he would fare now that he’s facing Seriously Bad Men instead of the cream of Division II (CALL IT WHAT IT IS, NCAA!).

Then, realizing that his “Number 1” receiver Jordan Matthews was 1. injured, and 2. Jordan Fucking Matthews, Roseman traded the proverbial bag of balls to something called the Tennessee Titans in exchange for chronic Chronic user Dorial Green-Beckham. And no one is quite sure who got the better end of the deal. Green-Beckham, as you may recall, was arrested twice at the University of Missouri for marijuana issues, including one where another guy in the car took the fall when police found a pound of the stuff. He was then kicked off the team for breaking into an apartment and throwing a woman down a flight of stairs.

So pending Matthews’ recovery, your 2016 Philadelphia Eagles starting wide receivers are Green-Beckham, Nelson Agholor and somehow-over-the-hill-at-25 Rueben Randle. Not one of these fuckers could break 1000 yards if they had a decent quarterback throwing to them, never mind the three-headed Frankenstein Roseman has cobbled together. If I were an Iggles fan, I’d be shitting batteries right now.

Léon Montana (a.k.a. Leon the Professional)

CHARGE: Heinous Fuckery Most Foul

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckeryfuck. Every team deals with injuries in the preseason. And most every team will deal with a substance-abuse suspension every couple of years. And normally I would just ascribe this year’s Shit Parade as my Bills being their Billsy selves. Today, it came out that Marcell Dareus is looking at a four-game suspension for violating the substance-abuse policy. Before that, noted Geno Smith Destroyer IK Enemimememkpali went down on a routine play in Saturday’s preseason matchup with a torn ACL, shortly after it was announced that he would be contending for a starting job.

A starting job that was vacated by second-round draft pick and Crimean War enthusiast Reggie “Lord” Ragland when he also tore his ACL, this time on a non-contact drill in camp.

This was considered a further indignity heaped upon Bills fandom after first-round draft pick Shaq Lawson was “convinced” to have shoulder surgery that may keep him out the first couple of games.

As I said, I assumed this was just The Almighty having a laugh at the expense of us professional masochists. But then I saw this picture of Reggie Ragland just before his ACL mysteriously blew up:

Looks relatively normal for training camp. But you see that irregularity in the top-left quarter of the picture? Right above the wall? Watch what happens when you enhance:

That’s right. Someone has hired Leon and a disturbingly-young Natalie Portman to ensure that the Bills defense is stripped bare, at least for the first couple of games of the season. Someone to spike Marcell’s Gatorade with cannibinoids. Someone to make sure Lawson was out of the way.

So who is it? Who is behind this decimation of the Bills defense? Normally I would start with Woody Johnson, because IK went down and Woody’s a vindictive asshat. But no one has taken a shot at Rex, and other than jacking up Ryan Fitzpatrick’s price, Woody should be thanking IK.

As with all things tainted and dark and twisted, my mind then went to Darth Hoodie.

It does fit. After all, two of the mishaps will only keep the players out until about Week 4, when the Bradyless Patriots play the Bills. Also, Belichick is the earthly manifestation of the Ichor God Bel-Shamharoth, which makes him a pretty good bet for any horrifying misfortune which befalls the righteous. But then, why only defensive players? Sure, he wants to protect Garoppolo, but Bill is not one to take half-measures when it comes to smiting his enemies, so you would expect Shady and Tyrod to both get popped if Belly was involved.. Plus, he’s been obsessing over the possibilities of rat urine  lately.

So Why is the rampage concentrated on the defense?” Which led me to:

Sean Payton. Sworn enemy of Rob Ryan, the Bills’ new Werewolf in Chief. Believes that Rob almost got him fired, and would have if Tom Benson wasn’t Boogieing Without A Band, if you know what I mean. Famous for putting hits out on opposing players. Plus, seriously- look at that smug douche fuckhead. Fuck you, Payton.

EMMA WILEY

CHARGE: Grievous Bodily Harm of a Police Officer

Whooo boy. Sometimes you just meet a woman and think to yourself “I bet she’d make a good wife, mother and life partner.” And then there is Emma Wiley, who takes White Girl Wasted to a dark and violent place. Ms. Wiley, a resident of Marblehead, Massachusetts, was allegedly engaged in a full-out cat fight, complete with uncontrollable screaming and hair-pulling. None of the 100ish spectators felt the need to intervene, so it was left to the police. As they separated the women, Wiley allegedly screamed at the cops that she would “fucking kill you all. Don’t fucking touch me!”

What really sets the 19 year-old Salem State University student (majoring in Criminal Justice, naturally) apart from your conventional offender is that she proceeded to grab a female rookie cop and bite off a chunk of her ear. Yes, Emma one-upped Iron Mike, by a. not just taking a bite at a target of opportunity, and b. chomping on an armed fucking police officer. As the policewoman was rushed to the hospital (where she was told she would lose the chunk permanently), Emma doubled down by threatened to have “every one of the cops killed.”

On the upside, I think we may have finally found the girl for one of our oldest and dearest friends: