Your “Just Another Sign The Season Is Upon Us” Tuesday Open Thread

NFL Roundup: plenty of news today

  • Ugh. Fresh on the heels of the good news that Kenny Easley has been chosen by the Senior Committee for possible Hall of Fame consideration comes Jerry Jones & Paul Taglibue being nominated for the Hall in the “Contributor” category.
  • The League has given the “Al-Jazeera Four” of Packers linebacker Clay Matthews, Packers linebacker Julius Peppers, Steelers linebacker James Harrison, and free-agent defensive lineman Mike Neal until August 26th to submit themselves for interview in relation to that PED report also tied to Pey-Pey.
    • the NFLPA has asked for third-party arbitration to determine if the players have to testify.
      • the League says refusal to testify will result in suspension for “conduct detrimental to the game”.
    • Deebo reiterated his position that he’ll talk, but only
      • at his house; and
      • if Rog will join him on the couch.
  • Potential disasters, Bills category:
    • Tyrod Taylor got a $92 million contract.
      • Accidentally caught Jim Rome in the car while searching for the Brazil-Sweden match. His salient point was that “$100 million is a franchise quarterback. $92 million is a franchise unsure about its quarterback.”
    • Marcell Dareus faces a four-game suspension over “missing or failed drug tests related to his use of marijuana”.
      • The Bills’ response“We are very disappointed Marcell chose to put himself first, before his teammates, coaches and the rest of the organization through his recent actions.”
    • Manny Lawson faces a one-game (possibly more) suspension for a domestic “incident”.
  • Good news, Cardinals category: the Honey Badger is off the PUP list and ready to practice.

    Coincidentally, here’s the Niners new media rep.
  • Hilarious news, 49ers category: It’s all been fixed in San Francisco, because they just signed Christian Ponder to a one-year deal.
  • Violence update: Patriots category:
    • mark February 13, 2017 on your calendars, because that’s when Aaron Hernandez’ murder trial for the two 2012 nightclub shootings will begin.
    • Center Brian Stork was tossed from practice after throwing punches at Bears linebacker John Timu during a joint practice.
      • Always learning: Ted Karras – nephew of Alex – is a Pats backup Center.

Albert Breer, who is much easier to read than listen to, has a good column on how Marv Lewis is trying, trying, to get the coaches to impart anger management techniques to some of their more ‘competitive’ players.

Finally, Washington police chief Cathy Lanier, “the first woman to lead the department and one of the nation’s longest-serving and most popular big-city police chiefs”, announced Tuesday that she is stepping down to become head of security for the National Football League. She’s got a hell of a bio, including being a teen mom and completing two Masters degrees. I don’t know how the League will deal with such competence, but I’m sure it will try and break her.


Look what the UPS fairy brought me today:

God, I wish.

Oops, I meant something actually important.

Seahawks Welcome to 2016 Brochure - 007

THAT’S RIGHT BABY!!! My season’s tickets arrived. This year’s gift was a digital receiver so I can hear Steve Raible and Warren Moon whilst in the stands. And the usual brochure brought some actual surprises:

Seahawks Welcome to 2016 Brochure - 002

Walk-through metal detectors? You mean, no more pegging from a revenge-filled woman in a yellow poncho? NICE!

Seahawks Welcome to 2016 Brochure - 003

Craft beer corner? Overpriced? PROBABLY! But, actually trying? ACCEPTABLE!

Seahawks Welcome to 2016 Brochure - 004

Upgrading the in-stadium food & beverage selection? ‘BOUT TIME!

I look forward to providing reports on all of these.


Tonight’s sports:

  • Nationally, it’s all Olympics.
  • Regionally, good luck.

Preseason Week 2 is almost upon us. SOON, ALL WILL BE RIGHT!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Gratliff
Gratliff

I feel like I forget about Chris Elliott more often than I don’t.

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Sharkbait

I’m convinced that Chris Elliott and Daniel Stern are the same person.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

He was criminally underrated.

JerBear50

He’s good on Schitt’s Creek. About goddamn time Canada sent some passable entertainment back our way. They’ve been riding the Neil Young/SCTV coattails for far too long.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

For a second there I thought it was Alex Smith.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I hereby demand that BallsOfSteel and everyone else from this day forward always carry a blue sharpie at all times in case you encounter this bumper sticker so you can change the “O” to a “P”.

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litre_cola

That is gold.

Gratliff
Sharkbait

Dear Time Warner,

Fuck you for making me stay late at work.

Sincerely,
Sharkbait

theeWeeBabySeamus

Dear DirecTV,

Fuck you just because. Can’t outsmart rain???

Assholes.

litre_cola

I really think worldwide if there were just 1 competent cable/satellite company per country there would be no war.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Who’s got two thumbs and got upgraded on this flight to Denver?

/counts thumbs

THIS guy!

JerBear50

I’m flying first class for the first time at the end of the month. The difference in ticket price was only like $50 which floored me. I will try to make up the cost difference in beer consumption, but honestly I’ll just be glad to not have my shoulders jammed into someone next to me the whole time.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Which airline? When united got buffalo trace, that was a game changer. Though I soon found out they don’t stock enough of it for a four hour flight. Your consumption may vary.

JerBear50

American, but it’s only 2 1/2 hours. Tampa to Ohare and vice versa. I’ll have to go easy on the flight up though because it’s my first day off and I will not have slept. When I go on vacation I have to stay up for a couple days straight to get adjusted off of night-shift schedule. But on the way home…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

American is the devil. I recommend mixing their flat Dr Pepper with SoCo and seeing if you can snag a couple of “to go” bottles.

JerBear50

Also, Cigar City has a brewpub in Tampa Airport which would not be a bad way to finish things off when I get home.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

When you get to Chicago, after you’ve freaked out Dok by showing up at her place, go to Zed 451 for brunch. You won’t regret it.

JerBear50

I’m staying with family over in NW IN. I’ll probably only be in the city for a Cubs/Pirates game, and maybe to molest unsuspecting Kommenters on public transit. Kinda looking forward to hiiting up that Publican offshoot that they just opened in Ohare though. Publican–>> free booze on plane—> Cigar City

BrettFavresColonoscopy

If you go to the Hammond casinos, do NOT mention me.

JerBear50

I grew up in Hammond and Gary. I stay as far the fuck away from there as possible. My family has since hit the big time and moved to St John.

JerBear50

And yes, I know it’s hard to believe a man of my culture and wit could be a Region Rat.

Sill Bimmons
Col. Duke LaCross

It’s a BABY FACKIN’ WHEEEL MAAAN!

https://youtu.be/IYUgduOeXuA

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That if faaaaahhhkinnn funny! BRO!

Sill Bimmons

Is that…is that HOUSE OF PAIN playing in the background as these TAWMMYS wrestle with the reality of the ocean sunfish?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYUgduOeXuA

Sill Bimmons

This information, of course, is already in the post.

Shogun Marcus

BIG NEWS:
A KENYAN has won a long(er-ish) distance running event.
BIG NEWS II:
A JAMAICAN has won a short distance running event.

We now return you to the fall of mankind already in progress.

litre_cola

Did somebody buy Barstool sports?

Duchess

Some jackass bought 51% at a 10MIllion valuation. They paid 5million for controlling interest.

Duchess

basically they got paid $1 a user?

litre_cola

Thanks, just seems to be popping up a hell of a lot more on my twitter timeline.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

So what does that make our shares worth?

Sill Bimmons

$10.34

litre_cola

What is that in Hungarian Forints?

Sill Bimmons

ELEVENTY B1LL1ON

theeWeeBabySeamus

Can I take a low interest loan against that?

Sill Bimmons

Depends on where 49.99% compounded hourly falls on your interest rate scale.

Duchess

i guess the $1.50 drop in price is due to it being none football season we should see a 52 week high at about 13 by week 10.

Sill Bimmons

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Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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JerBear50

When will they finally understand that wouldn’t happen if they’d just swallow?

Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Dog hate eastern European redneck maybe?
Just saying (asking)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

FEAR OF BUCKETS! I HAVE IT!

JerBear50

When will they finally understand that wouldn’t happen if they’d just swallow?

JerBear50

Reply fail.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

WORKS WELL FOR BOTH!!

Old School Zero

You probably already know, but PirateSloth has CHOX season tickets as well. I may be going up to one of the games with him at some point. You two should definitely figure out some game time hellos.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Old School Zero

No idea. I’d kind of like to watch them vs. the Cardinals, but I’m at the mercy of a Pirate, so who knows what I’ll have to do for the tickets.

Unsurprised

Butt stuff

herodotus450

Is Raul Mondesi still playing ? He must be ancient by now. Unless…. he’s somehow figured out how to transfer his name and skills and ~50% of his DNA to some other being…

Sill Bimmons

It’s the transfer thing.

The original is now mayor of San Cristobal, DR.

makeitsnowondem

Guys, if you like witbiers, you might want to not bother with Oskar Blues Priscilla.

Old School Zero

HOWEVAH, pFriem Wit is highly delicious.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ugh, now I don’t have an excuse took to their tasting room next week.

makeitsnowondem

I mean, every other beer they make is good.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I know, and I don’t really NEED an excuse to go back out there. Just means I may go to a different brewery (or five) instead.

Sill Bimmons

Michelle Jenneke finished 37th in the women’s 100 hurdles.

The internet has responded, saying that it “…will continue to resolutely ignore anything to do with her results in favor of her more aesthetic qualities.”

http://thecount.com/wp-content/uploads/Michelle-Jenneke-rio-olympics-selfie.jpg

Sharkbait

I’d waltz her matilda.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wants to eat tartar sauce out of her navel.
(sorry…that’s really old and really bad joke)
((still might be true))

Sill Bimmons

I’d let her boil my billy.

Kungjitsu

Stop! Okay, stop! I can’t… I can’t get my… if you don’t stop jumping around. Jesus! Are you even trying? I thought we were in love!!

Kungjitsu

I’d spoof her jut.

JerBear50

Yeah, you and Tom Traubert both.

Col. Duke LaCross
theeWeeBabySeamus

Just a reminder, this is still the best thing ever.
(NSFW…but if I have to tell you that…what rock have you been living under????)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vN_PEmeKb0

Sill Bimmons

YOU HAVE A CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO BE A DUMBASS

theeWeeBabySeamus

I jack off on white boys.

Sill Bimmons

Butt boys?

theeWeeBabySeamus

With big butts.

Sill Bimmons

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theeWeeBabySeamus

That mother(bleep) asked me to eat his ass for a bag of coffee.

Sharkbait

Do we need to court order this?

Can I get a court order to get my (bleep) sucked sir?

JerBear50

Ridiculous. That’s clearly coffee and a honeybun territory, maybe with a 3-way phone call thrown in.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You ain’t supposed to be smiling in court…that’s a violation.

JerBear50

Goddammit. Like the salad I’m making myself eat right now wasn’t unappealing enough.

litre_cola

Predictive text should go home, it’s drunk

Duchess

Good news!… Trump has fucked up so much that Clinton campaign is considering lowering their ad buys in Virginia because they view it no longer a swing state.

Sharkbait

It still saddens me that those 2 are the best we can do.

Duchess

I saw a car the other day with the following bumper stickers 2008 McCain/Palin, 2012 Romney/Ryan 2016 Clinton

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I read that Clinton is within six in Texas. Texas!

Unsurprised

I really need to get this next time I go to Costco and since I can actually afford to now.

http://www.newbelgium.com/beer/fat-tire-and-friends

* Allagash Fat Funk Ale
* Avery Fat Wild Ale
* Hopworks Fat Sour Apple Ale
* Firestone Walker Fat Hoppy Ale
* Rhinegeist Fat Pale Ale
* New Belgium Fat Tire Ale

litre_cola

Allagash alwasys remonds me of PK. Should you drink it?

MAYBE!

Unsurprised

The second line could also be taken as him bragging about the time he kicked someone in the balls.

http://thumbnails116.imagebam.com/49775/138045497742762.jpg

Sill Bimmons
Duchess

Wow, our hurdlers don’t grasp the concept of jumping over the hurdes.

Sill Bimmons
litre_cola

Or will be very confused about!

Duchess

Citi Bank ” We don’t do anything really for people with disabilities, so why do we sponsor the Paralympics? So we can make commercials with disabled Olympians to tug at your heart strings and make you think we do more than we actually do”

Sill Bimmons

“We don’t do anything really.”

–FTFY

Unsurprised

Hey now. Financially raping customers, borrowers and the entire economy and getting away with it is hardly not doing anything.

Unsurprised

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Duchess

USA runner was like… fuck that I ain’t jumping over hurdles I’m running through them. He must have really taken Tony Robbins a little too seriously.

Unsurprised

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...

/breaks mouse clicking Like button

Duchess

Unsurprised

How is that different from regular-season football?

Sill Bimmons
...

You’ve gotta love this comment:

“No offense but that blog was okay in the first few years. Then it became a huge circlejerk. Idiot commenters joining thought they were funnier than the articles. Kind of like Reddit. But I don’t see it dying off either as long as Uproxx owns it.”

WELL, JERK, THE CIRCLE JERK LIVES AND YOU CAN’T JOIN.

Duchess

Yup the author and Awful announcing official twitter followed me on twitter afterwards.

Duchess

Maybe Jorge Vazquez is already here… the comments are coming form inside the BLOG!!!!

litre_cola

Seems the link back to the article here in our home is dead.

Sill Bimmons

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herodotus450

(Richard Attenborough voice):
And here we see the two beautiful creatures, Moose and Sill, alone in their natural habitat, performing what looks to be a traditional mating ritual. A flurry of humourous images with text from one, and a return barrage from the other, perhaps signalling that they are in heat and warning other, lesser, posters to stay away or face some wrath. This really is a once in a lifetime occurrence that we’ve found here.

Sill Bimmons

I’m just trying to annoy a Seahawks fan contributor with so many Seahawks jokes that I get banned.

It happened once before…

http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/dd/ddf3c00fd1ce503681d01bbe07f5efa70402f8c07f189eb1773f5fad4fd3a101.jpg

GEEEEAAAUUUUUUXXXXXXX HAAAAAAUUUUUUUXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sill Bimmons

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Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sill Bimmons

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

MUST HAZ MOER OPIN TREADS!!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh