The Buffalo Bills Hatez the Wimmens and Other Random Thoughts

When Beastmode mentioned that DFO was doing their annual preview for the football season, I thought “how hard could it be?” He’s done it for a few years. He’s funny.* After this long, some of that funny should rub off…

This is my 2016 Preview of the Buffalo Jills. They were formed in 1967 and have had 35 members. The Jills are were responsible for posing for swimsuit calendars, visiting troops, including time in Iraq in 2004, and they are were the first multinational NFL squad to perform in both New York and Ontario. They have the honor of forming the first cheerleaders union in the NFL in 1995.

As you can see from some of my edits, something has gone horribly wrong. The Buffalo Jills were disbanded in 2014. There was this little lawsuit that said a cheerleader should actually get paid to represent their NFL team. Their billionaire owner thought that minimum wage was too much to pay for the cute girls in skimpy outfits, even though cheerleaders don’t even count against the salary cap. This may be why the DFOers are so sad during home games in Buffalo!

Oops! Just showed this to Beastmode. I totally wrote about the wrong team. I was supposed to preview the Buffalo Bills, not the Jills.

What-ever.

The Buffalo Bills are a team with twin brothers Rex Ryan as head coach and Rob Ryan as Assistant Head Coach / Defense. It’s rumored that there was a triplet in the womb that was eaten by Wolfman Rob.**

Their billionaire owner (unwilling to pay cheerleaders minimum wage) agreed to pay their quarterback (Tyrod Taylor, in case you didn’t remember through the 2015 quarterback churn) $90 million over six years, which is actually $10.5 million for 2016 with the team having the option to let him join the free agent ranks in 2017.

The Bills worked on building up their defense in the draft (no surprise with the Ryan brothers at the helm). However, the Bills are going to Bill… Their number one pick, Shaq Lawson (DE) elected to have shoulder surgery weeks after the draft. Their second pick was Reggie Ragland (ILB) who was lost for the 2016 season to ACL surgery, after injuring it in the early preseason.

The Bills also made a few moves in defensive free agent acquisitions, picking up linebacker David Hawthone and DT Alameda Ta’amu who once led police on a shirtless chase through Pittsburgh. Maybe that’s why the Bills picked him up: if the cheerleaders aren’t willing to shed their clothes at unpaid events, well you have yourself a 348 pound tackle that’s not nearly as shy. They also picked up a DT named Brandon Deaderick from a team called the “Texans,” which keeps the dream alive for Arena League players everywhere.

On the offensive side of the ball, Percy Harvin decided one (partial) season was enough in Buffalo and retired. Karlos Williams (RB) got himself suspended for 4 games and then found himself unemployed. A newly-signed Reggie Bush adds depth and might act as primary returner, though! All right, he’s 31. And coming back from a knee injury. Sigh.

Look, here’s more girls!

When re-signing Richie Incognito is the team’s most impressive move, then it’s obvious there’s trouble afoot in Buffalo.

Last year the Bills went 8 – 8. Sexy Rexy was told he needed to get the Bills to the playoffs this year. I think the Bills will go 6 – 10 this season, because I’m an optimist***, and the Ryan brothers will be looking for a new home by February. Their quarterback will be let go at the end of the season. He’ll drive 7 hours southeast and sit on the Jets doorstep until they let him in out of the cold, feed him some soup, and make him their new starter.

*Kind of.
**I like to think he would have been named Renfro.
***It’s true. It constantly irritates Beastmode.