Getting to Know the New Dallas Quarterback.

laserguru

laserguru

yeah right is a lifelong Vikings fan. He is into self denial and still harbors hope. Loves to cook, read and drink. But he doesn’t plate.
laserguru

*Banner photo courtesy of Getty Images

[interior new Dallas Cowboys practice facility with OC Scott Linehan and HC Jason Garrett]

dallas-cowboys-head-coach-jason-garret

JG: “Hey Scott!”

scott-linehan

SL: “Howdy Jason.”

JG: “Gonna be a hell of a ride this year, are you ready for it?”

SL: “You betcha! Ya know, this year just feels different. We’ve had to deal without Romo in the past but this year it feels like we can handle him missing some games.”

JG: “I know just what you mean. How about that Dak kid huh? Hell of a pre-season! Looked like the real deal out there.”

SL: “Damn strait he did. Kid was makin’ all the throws and just hittin’ on everything. Holy shit, we may have finally found the future of this franchise.”

JG: “Couldn’t agree more with you Scott. You know, Scott? Have you noticed that there’s something that’s a little bit ‘off’ about Dak?”

SL: “You too huh? I did notice something a little unusual but you know how every new batch of rookies brings in some new fashion trend or hair style. I try not to put too much emphasis on it because the next thing you know the kids are calling you ‘Gramps’ for being out of touch with what’s going on in the world.”

JG: [chuckles] “You’re absolutely right. Maybe we are getting old. Shoot, remember some of the get-ups Dez was wearing last year?”

dez-bryant-1105-2

SL: [laughing] “Hell yes I remember! That’s the first time I saw somebody dressed like a homeless guy in five hundred dollar shoes!”

[both laugh hysterically]

JG: “Hell, let’s get the offense together and start working on the Giants game plan.”

SL: “One step ahead of you boss, they’re already in the conference room.”

[Jason and Scott walk towards the team conference room]

JG: “And how about this new practice facility? Holy shit, it’s got everything! You know ol’ Jerry spent over a billion dollars on this place? A fucking practice facility?”

SL: [talking quietly] “Rich old bastard always did have more money than brains.”

[both laugh quietly]

[conference room door flies open]

JG: “Good morning offense! How is everybody?”

Team: “Good morning Coach!”

JG: “You guys all set to kick some New York Giant ass this week?”

Team: [loud cheers and applause]

JG: “Before we get to the game plan I thought we would take a few moments to get to know the kid who will be leading the offense for the first few weeks until Tony gets healthy. Dak, come on out here!”

[Dak walks to the center podium]

dak-with-helmet

Dak: “Mmmhhgmmpphff”

[JG and SL trade a curious and troubled look]

JG: “Uh, Dak? Can you repeat that? I’m not sure the guys in back heard you.

Dak steps to the microphone: “Mmmhhgmmpphff”

[speaking in hushed tones to each other]

JG: “What the hell is he saying?”

SL: “Beats the living shit out of me!”

JG: “How can he call out the signals?”

SL [shrugs]

JG: “Dak, let’s try this one more time. In your loudest and clearest voice repeat what you just said.”

Dak: “MMMHHGMMPPHFF MMGFFFFGH!”

JG: [turning to Wade Wilson] “Wade? What the hell is going on?”

wilson_wade

WW: “I’m not sure what you mean Jason.”

JG: “I can’t understand a thing that he’s saying! How can he call the signals?”

La’el Collins stands up and shouts: “You can’t understand him because motherfucker got a can on his head.”

[entire audience erupts in laughter]

JG: “Calm down guys! You know we have a standing rule here where we don’t criticize anyone’s fashion choices. Look at Dez! We adapted to that.”

Dez: “Ain’t no fashion choice! It’s a goddamn can!”

[laughter]

JG turns to WW: “You mean you understand him?”

WW: “Yes sir. I’m fluent in Canned Ham.”

JG: “What the fuck?”

WW: “It’s actually pretty obvious sir. Dak is a canned ham.”

JG [looks deeply disturbed} “A canned…

La’el Collins stands up again: “A canned ham? You mean like a country ham that somebody put in a fuckin’ can?”

Jason Witten: “Hell yes! I love that shit. Get some scrambled eggs, maybe some cheese.”

La’el: “What the fuck! Next thing you tell me you put a goddamn whole chicken in a can!”

WW: “We already did!”

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La’el: “God. Damn! What the fuck is wrong with white people?”

JG: “Guys, guys let’s calm down here. Everyone sit down and let’s regroup. Now Wade, since you can understand him we can radio in the plays from the booth but how are the guys on the offense supposed to understand his line protections and the audibles? Dak, call out an audible for me.”

dak-with-helmet

Dak: “MMhggff, mjhhhfffpphhhh. Mhggphyffll ghmp glg!”

WW: “He called ‘Y6 F-stop green quick ace’.”

Jason Garrett drops his head into his hands as the entire team is murmuring and shaking their heads.

Zack Martin: “I got nothing on that shit!”

JG: “Wade, since you can understand him do you know why he has to wear the uh, “can” on his head?

WW: “He says it’s mostly for protection. He has a severe fear of dogs and he’s not really keen on cats either.”

JG “Jesus Christ! Alright, alright. Dak if it’s not too much trouble would you mind removing your uh, ‘headwear?'”

dak-no-helmet

[roaring screams of terror and panic fill the auditorium]

phobias

The young beautiful woman in horror has clutched at the head hands

psycho

the-scream

La’el: “Oh my sweet Jesus. I promise I’ll never doubt you. I’ll go to church every day. But please Jesus make it stop!!!”

[players are running screaming from the auditorium]

Dez: [curled up in a ball shrieking] “NOOO!! Make it go away! I’m so sorry mama. I LOVE YOU! Make it go away!”

Jason Witten [calmly walks over to Dak and tears a piece off of the back of his head] “Man I love this shit!” He then takes a huge bite.

Dak: “DAK DAK!!”

Most of the remaining players flee the auditorium, audible sounds of projectile vomiting can be heard from the restrooms.

JG: “Jesus, Witten! Stop eating our quarterback’s head!”

WW: “Actually he doesn’t really mind, do you Dak?”

Dak: “DAK DAK!!”

WW: “He just said he has a really delicious recipe for canned ham and scalloped potatoes that makes any holiday meal a festive one.”

JG: “I’m putting a stop to this shit right now! Dak! Put your helmet or can or whatever the fuck it is back on right now!”

[grabs auditorium microphone] “Everyone! Listen and listen good! Get your asses back in here right this second. We’re going to sort this out as a team!”

[players come stumbling back in. Most are visibly shaken and some are crying]

JG: “Take your seats!’

[everyone slowly settles down]

JG: “Just to clarify, Dak is your starting quarterback until Tony comes back. Period!

[cries of “Coach!” “But how…” “I can’t, coach!]

JG: “Knock the shit off right now! I’m going to only say this one time. Dak will be our quarterback and you will accept it. We are going to give all of our effort to working with him and winning with him. Period! End of story!”

La’el: “But coach? Why? I’m not sure all of us can after today!”

JG: “Why? Here’s why!”

[door flies open]

sanchez-cowboys-104

Mark Sanchez: “Hey guys! How’s it going?”

[entire team stands in unison] “DAK! DAK! DAK! DAK!!

dak-with-helmet

Dak:  “Mmmhhgmmpphff!”

JG: “Do we have a team dermatologist?”

*many many thanks to Low Commander of the Super Soldiers for the awesome photoshop work.

laserguru
laserguru
yeah right is a lifelong Vikings fan. He is into self denial and still harbors hope. Loves to cook, read and drink. But he doesn't plate.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I’m shocked that Wade fucking Wilson is still in the league.

The one thing that prevented me from thinking that Deadpool was the greatest movie ever was the fact that the character is named Wade fucking Wilson. All I could think about was pick-sixes and a sad Raiders uniform.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This was amazing. Well fucking done, and now I’m hungry.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

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Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

The two things I know about DAK:

1. If you fry it up like Spam it gets all crispy and delicious because there’s so much sugar in the cure. Or so I’m told.

@} When you’re in the middle of nowhere in far northern Scotland and the only SPAR in 50 miles has this:

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and a loaf of bread in addition to the, uh, “local options” it looks more like this:

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gif for ants

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I guess I’ll have to make my own gifs

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
jjfozz

I vomited up 3/4 of a canned ham in college after binge drinking. It was foul and putrid that as I barfed, two other dudes barfed. Which was actually funny.

I would rather take a sauna with PK than touch that canned chicken.

blaxabbath

Keeping down a quarter of a canned ham after binge drinking is pretty impressive though.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Did you share, or was it one in the sink, one in the tub, and one in the toilet?

http://media.giphy.com/media/5xtDarMdED36BxF3XLq/giphy.gif

Don T

I’d call Prescott a meathead, but I grew up with Dak luncheon meat. Pencil-Shavings-and-Carrageenan Head doesn’t have the same ring.

blaxabbath

Canned ham seems like a Canadian thing.

You Canadians eat canned ham?

monty this seems strange to me

You’re thinking of Canadian Bacon, which starred John Candy. Or maybe you’re thinking of Canadian Candy, starring Kevin Bacon?

nomonkeyfun

My ex-roomate’s, ex-girlfriend’s, cousin’s, best friends, brother was in that movie.

Which makes him nothing to me.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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monty this seems strange to me

Does Wade Wilson look like he forgot to take off his sunglasses in the tanning bed?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Yes. Uneven makeup placement.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Thankfully, the Cowboys do not play the Chiefs this year, or else we’d have a real life reenactment of this scene in reverse.

http://img.pandawhale.com/122575-Zombieland-rule-1-cardio-gif-I-jAD1.gif

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As a fat man, I admire his hustle

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
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[entire team stands in unison] “DAK! DAK! DAK! DAK!!

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

The Cowboys’ QB coach is named Wade Wilson and you didn’t use this photo?

http://cdn1.sciencefiction.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/Deadpool_Comic.jpg

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I assume he was saving that for Episode 2: Attack of the Checkdown

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Remember- his real name is Rayne Dakota. I’m torn between wanting to work in BloodRayne references and my sacred oath to deny the existence of Uwe Boll movies.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Millennials’ parents must be killed

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I strongly vote in favor of the latter.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Thank you for the best laugh I have had all week.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[stews angrily…]

– Jeff Baca

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[cooks stew angrily…]

– Jim Tomsula

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

[stews cooks angrily…]

–Jeffrey Dahmer

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh