Getting to Know the New Dallas Quarterback.

*Banner photo courtesy of Getty Images

[interior new Dallas Cowboys practice facility with OC Scott Linehan and HC Jason Garrett]

JG: “Hey Scott!”

SL: “Howdy Jason.”

JG: “Gonna be a hell of a ride this year, are you ready for it?”

SL: “You betcha! Ya know, this year just feels different. We’ve had to deal without Romo in the past but this year it feels like we can handle him missing some games.”

JG: “I know just what you mean. How about that Dak kid huh? Hell of a pre-season! Looked like the real deal out there.”

SL: “Damn strait he did. Kid was makin’ all the throws and just hittin’ on everything. Holy shit, we may have finally found the future of this franchise.”

JG: “Couldn’t agree more with you Scott. You know, Scott? Have you noticed that there’s something that’s a little bit ‘off’ about Dak?”

SL: “You too huh? I did notice something a little unusual but you know how every new batch of rookies brings in some new fashion trend or hair style. I try not to put too much emphasis on it because the next thing you know the kids are calling you ‘Gramps’ for being out of touch with what’s going on in the world.”

JG: [chuckles] “You’re absolutely right. Maybe we are getting old. Shoot, remember some of the get-ups Dez was wearing last year?”

SL: [laughing] “Hell yes I remember! That’s the first time I saw somebody dressed like a homeless guy in five hundred dollar shoes!”

[both laugh hysterically]

JG: “Hell, let’s get the offense together and start working on the Giants game plan.”

SL: “One step ahead of you boss, they’re already in the conference room.”

[Jason and Scott walk towards the team conference room]

JG: “And how about this new practice facility? Holy shit, it’s got everything! You know ol’ Jerry spent over a billion dollars on this place? A fucking practice facility?”

SL: [talking quietly] “Rich old bastard always did have more money than brains.”

[both laugh quietly]

[conference room door flies open]

JG: “Good morning offense! How is everybody?”

Team: “Good morning Coach!”

JG: “You guys all set to kick some New York Giant ass this week?”

Team: [loud cheers and applause]

JG: “Before we get to the game plan I thought we would take a few moments to get to know the kid who will be leading the offense for the first few weeks until Tony gets healthy. Dak, come on out here!”

[Dak walks to the center podium]

Dak: “Mmmhhgmmpphff”

[JG and SL trade a curious and troubled look]

JG: “Uh, Dak? Can you repeat that? I’m not sure the guys in back heard you.

Dak steps to the microphone: “Mmmhhgmmpphff”

[speaking in hushed tones to each other]

JG: “What the hell is he saying?”

SL: “Beats the living shit out of me!”

JG: “How can he call out the signals?”

SL [shrugs]

JG: “Dak, let’s try this one more time. In your loudest and clearest voice repeat what you just said.”

Dak: “MMMHHGMMPPHFF MMGFFFFGH!”

JG: [turning to Wade Wilson] “Wade? What the hell is going on?”

WW: “I’m not sure what you mean Jason.”

JG: “I can’t understand a thing that he’s saying! How can he call the signals?”

La’el Collins stands up and shouts: “You can’t understand him because motherfucker got a can on his head.”

[entire audience erupts in laughter]

JG: “Calm down guys! You know we have a standing rule here where we don’t criticize anyone’s fashion choices. Look at Dez! We adapted to that.”

Dez: “Ain’t no fashion choice! It’s a goddamn can!”

[laughter]

JG turns to WW: “You mean you understand him?”

WW: “Yes sir. I’m fluent in Canned Ham.”

JG: “What the fuck?”

WW: “It’s actually pretty obvious sir. Dak is a canned ham.”

JG [looks deeply disturbed} “A canned…

La’el Collins stands up again: “A canned ham? You mean like a country ham that somebody put in a fuckin’ can?”

Jason Witten: “Hell yes! I love that shit. Get some scrambled eggs, maybe some cheese.”

La’el: “What the fuck! Next thing you tell me you put a goddamn whole chicken in a can!”

WW: “We already did!”

“

La’el: “God. Damn! What the fuck is wrong with white people?”

JG: “Guys, guys let’s calm down here. Everyone sit down and let’s regroup. Now Wade, since you can understand him we can radio in the plays from the booth but how are the guys on the offense supposed to understand his line protections and the audibles? Dak, call out an audible for me.”

Dak: “MMhggff, mjhhhfffpphhhh. Mhggphyffll ghmp glg!”

WW: “He called ‘Y6 F-stop green quick ace’.”

Jason Garrett drops his head into his hands as the entire team is murmuring and shaking their heads.

Zack Martin: “I got nothing on that shit!”

JG: “Wade, since you can understand him do you know why he has to wear the uh, “can” on his head?

WW: “He says it’s mostly for protection. He has a severe fear of dogs and he’s not really keen on cats either.”

JG “Jesus Christ! Alright, alright. Dak if it’s not too much trouble would you mind removing your uh, ‘headwear?’”

[roaring screams of terror and panic fill the auditorium]

La’el: “Oh my sweet Jesus. I promise I’ll never doubt you. I’ll go to church every day. But please Jesus make it stop!!!”

[players are running screaming from the auditorium]

Dez: [curled up in a ball shrieking] “NOOO!! Make it go away! I’m so sorry mama. I LOVE YOU! Make it go away!”

Jason Witten [calmly walks over to Dak and tears a piece off of the back of his head] “Man I love this shit!” He then takes a huge bite.

Dak: “DAK DAK!!”

Most of the remaining players flee the auditorium, audible sounds of projectile vomiting can be heard from the restrooms.

JG: “Jesus, Witten! Stop eating our quarterback’s head!”

WW: “Actually he doesn’t really mind, do you Dak?”

Dak: “DAK DAK!!”

WW: “He just said he has a really delicious recipe for canned ham and scalloped potatoes that makes any holiday meal a festive one.”

JG: “I’m putting a stop to this shit right now! Dak! Put your helmet or can or whatever the fuck it is back on right now!”

[grabs auditorium microphone] “Everyone! Listen and listen good! Get your asses back in here right this second. We’re going to sort this out as a team!”

[players come stumbling back in. Most are visibly shaken and some are crying]

JG: “Take your seats!’

[everyone slowly settles down]

JG: “Just to clarify, Dak is your starting quarterback until Tony comes back. Period!

[cries of “Coach!” “But how…” “I can’t, coach!]

JG: “Knock the shit off right now! I’m going to only say this one time. Dak will be our quarterback and you will accept it. We are going to give all of our effort to working with him and winning with him. Period! End of story!”

La’el: “But coach? Why? I’m not sure all of us can after today!”

JG: “Why? Here’s why!”

[door flies open]

Mark Sanchez: “Hey guys! How’s it going?”

[entire team stands in unison] “DAK! DAK! DAK! DAK!!

Dak:  “Mmmhhgmmpphff!”

JG: “Do we have a team dermatologist?”

*many many thanks to Low Commander of the Super Soldiers for the awesome photoshop work.