Shall we do this? Let’s!
Pack/Jax-Rb Ivory is listed as questionable but the injury is minor. (I just learned that the league did away with the “probable” designation-where was I?) Rodgers should be ready and raring to go now that wr Nelson is at full health. Word is that rb Lacy’s man boobs are at least one cup size smaller. The Jags grabbed Malik Jackson from Denver and he gets to feast on Lane Taylor, a guy with two starts on his CV. I figure Green Bay gets out to a quick lead, extends it and then Bortles and Co. air it out and make it close. Jacksonville is much improved but they’re in a bit deep today.
Bills/Bal-Remember Devin Hester? He’s on the Ravens now. The Ryan Boys look to steal a win on the road against a Baltimore squad that looks a bit meh to me.
Bears/Texans-Qb Osweiler has the luxury of flinging the ball at the catch machine known as wr Hopkins. That’s a nice little safety blanket you’ve got there, Brocky! De Watt will play today because he is of course the gamiest gamer that played this here damn game. The Bears are bringing it 3.5 yards at a time with rb Langford. They also get a special bonus in the first appearance of wr White, the 7th overall pick last year. If things work out for the 6’3″, 220 lb. West Virginny product, and I imagine they will, the Bears will probably let Jeffrey walk after the season. Why? Because Bears fans can never have anything nice, that’s why.
Cle/Phil-Rook qb Wentz goes from pre-season scratch to starting because…Eagles front office wizardry? At least he gets the Browns for his first start. That said, he’ll soon learn that North Dakota State is a long, long, long way from Philly. (Espn still has Bradford listed as the Eagles starting qb on their depth chart) Say a prayer for RG3’s offensive line. And the rb duo of Crowell/Johnson. And the city of Cleveland.
Bucs/Falcs-Tampa looks to be slowly getting their shit together but one problem they have today is that their top 3 cb’s are all 5’11” or under. Did I mention that they’ll be up against Julio Jones? He’s getting 160+ yards as long as qb Ryan remembers what his priorities are. I do think that Winston/Evans/Martin/The D take this one though.
Minny/Tenny-I’m calling it. Rb Henry takes the starting job from DeMarco by week 5. For now they’re calling this backfield Thunder and Thunder. Clever. The Vikes will counter the Titans run game with…the run game. This game should be done in just over 2 hours. Reports indicate that Shaun Hill has the starter honours this week at qb while Bradford brushes up on the playbook/gets a paper cut.
Cincy/NYJ-Eifert is out so it looks like wr Green is The Red Rifle’s only viable option. (the sneaky fantasy guy inside me hopes that rook wr Tyler Boyd gets many of the targets that Sanu and Jones left behind) The Jets have won 9 of the last 11 meetings betwixt these fellas. Beardy McHarvard looks to duplicate his 2015 outlier year and I think he can do it while leaning on the likes of Forte, Marshall and Decker. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Hey Jets, can you put at least a little scare into the Pats this year, please?”.
Oak/NO-These teams combined to lose 7 of 8 pre-season games. Brees will throw for 5 billion yards yet again and the Saints won’t sniff .500 again. Meanwhile Oakland’s youngsters will continue to negotiate that “winning consistently in the NFL” learning curve.
Bolts/Chiefs-Everyone knows that the Chiefs are going to “run and dump” (short passes) but it’s not easy to stop. Yes, talent may have something to do with it but hc Reid’s scrawled-on-a-dirty-napkin schemes do work. Rb Ware averaged 5.6 yards per carry overall and scored 2 TD’s against the Chargers last year. He’s not the home run hitter that Charles is but I’m sure the Chiefs are confident in the work he will do. Many eyes are on rb Gordon after his disappointing rook season. Those that have paid attention in camp note that he’s hitting the hole with authority and looks confident. Qb Rivers needs help from someone else other than wr Allen and aging te Gates.
[wipes pretend sweat from brow] Whew! Glad that’s done. Now sharpen your typing fingers and LET’S GET GOING!!!
Cincy in full playoff mode right now.
That hit on Marshall seemed a bit late.
What am I watching? The Bears D looking competent. Eddie Royal doing anything
Joe Flacco in full on “Just out there having fun” mode.
He got paid foar nearly blowing a SB championship 4 years ago.
He gotz no worries.
What’d I’d give to have the Cards have won a SB four years ago….
Urge to cut myself rising… rising…
Weird how everyone’s mad at Kaepernick for not standing up on 9/11, but no one yelled at the towers for the same thing.
BANNER
Put this on the banner
Jet fuel can’t melt balky ankles.
That’s because Kaep just collapsed by himself. The twin towers had help.
From the controllled demolitons
I’ll third it…if not on banner by day’s end I’ll kill all of you.
Man Joe Flacco has an elite stat line
There’s the Dalton I goddammit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
Working an Open House on Opening day… no TV in a $625k house in Falls Church? oh well, at least I got yall to help keep me in the loop. Just don’t spoil the Saints-Raiders game in tape…. Yeah, I can’t say that with a straight face.
Holy shit….the Baltimore Receivers look a HELL of a lot better.
Give it time.
Holy God, this Jet defense looks like it will eat souls this year.
I wish I had that game. Big Bowles fan here. I don’t know what the hell he’s supposed to do with that offense (or, rather, have his OC do) but that dude can run a defense.
So I’ve got a conundrum on my hands.
Did some errands earlier, so i’m wearing pants. Obviously the next step is too take them off, but should I put my bears pajama slacks on? they’re so damn comfortable.
I feel like those get a pass. Theyre not real pants anyway.
This is why I have a fully nudity policy in my apartment, except when cooking (then I wear an apron).
No fuss, no muss.
Pants are evil and should be avoided at all costs
haha fuck you Drew Brees!
Sometimes I completely forget that the Titans exist.
They are the Mythical team, the Texans create an existential dilemma.
Clay Matthews would make a great Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure villian.
He is also a dick.
Bleergh makes his presence known in Philly.
“It’s not booing, fans are just saying Kuhn”………phrasing?
You know it’s bad when I’m wishing Tyrod Taylor was still in Baltimore.
Well, he is today anyway, but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!!!!!
I would like to go on record, that I would like to take the Redzone out behind the gas station and get it pregnant.
/dick joke
/Rick and Morty my favorite current show . . .
Lots of Trump supporters in New Orleans
Joe Flacco expediting his exit from the league
From your lips to non-existant god’s ear.
Burn in hell, Flacco. Before today is over I might take us both there.
Holy shit…that has to be the funniest fumble in NFL history…sans buttfumble.
The Jets actually looked competent on that drive. I’m not sure how to react to that.
Can you believe that, if the playoffs started right now, both Phi, TB, Oak, and GB would be post-season teams?!
It’s 2002 all over again.
The bar I’m at, Eagles fans have already begun planning the Super Bowl victory parade.
“…and then I’ll light the police cruiser on fire so you have a distraction while we get President Trump safely to the Liberty Bell…..”
Fuck me.
When does hockey start?
I have been surprisingly entertained by how ornery the USA/Canada warmup games have been.
1 month 1 day
I’ll nevar make it that long.
Steve Smith Jr reminds of this woman I used to day. Like I could tell someone said something to here and i would have to come running up “Hey baby…they didn’t mean it” to stop her from attach someone with her shoe.
Hee hee
How drunk are you? It must be very.
For some reason it replied to you, not JSD
Lacy lost too much weight.
Get that man some China food!
What are we drinking? I picked up a sixer of sweetwater 420
Had stomach surgery a couple months ago, so sadly, iced tea. Having to face a Bears season sober might finally kill me.
Bearded Russian – a white russian with stout. Today’s stout is Anderson Valley’s Bourbon Barrel Stout.
Bears 3 and out in the red zone, will miss the field goal
Wroooooong
I’m 0-2 on my pessimism here, its served me well before, not going to stop now
Cutler slingin’ guns…
Melvin Gordon running like he cares about having a “good” career.
http://memecrunch.com/meme/EUZJ/foosball-is-the-devil/image.png
And I for one, welcome our new Overlord for the next 6 months.
Like I said, super important he get himself prepared for those TD catches
Matt Schaub 2.0
anybody have Wentz FOAR first TD of day? Other than Jesus, obvs.
LMFAO
Anyone see those Jets fans holding up an American flag that had the stars replaced with something along the lines of “9/11 never forget”?
This?
Yes, that.
I can’t decide if that’s incredibly dumb or actually creative.
At least I don’t have to be ashamed of defense in B’more.
Hope they can score some points.
It Buffalo…not exactly an offensive juggernaut.
Shut up….let me have this for now.
Do you just WANT to see my brain on the ceiling????????
hahahaha Brock Lobster
Jordan Matthews with that oh-so-important first drop of the year. It can’t be stated how crucial it is for him to hurry into midseason form.
BROCKERCEPTION! I am erect.
The Raiders have a defensive end who’s first name is “Jihad”
Of course they do.
Is he unexpected?
Well today’s his day to blow up, no?
Bears Defense: Still Bad
I take that back!
They just got an interception. I am pretty sure that hasn’t happened in 3 years.
Clay Matthews is looking like his PED orders are still arriving on time.
Qb Osweiler has the luxury of flinging the ball at the catch machine known as wr Hopkins. That’s a nice little safety blanket you’ve got there, Brocky!
Is that a typo or just a thing people sayed to people called brock? cuz if so,
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lolcb3DFFk1qjgu8s.gif
OCTOBOX!!!
/feel like I have some of his coke by remote osmosis
I’m proud to live in a country where “U – S – A” is an appropriate response to a moment of silence.
Woooo! Pam Oliver! One broadcast figure that I don’t cringe at the sight of!
SCOTT MUTHAFUCKIN’ HANSON!!!
Raiders v Saints and Chargers v Chiefs. Cowboys game on later. Redzone is not ala carte. It’s part of a $20 sports package. i think I’ll wait this week.
60,000 pairs of Baltimore feet and I gotta coach a damned ballgame.
– Sexy Rexy