Your Early Afternoon NFL Football Slate

Shall we do this? Let’s!

Pack/Jax-Rb Ivory is listed as questionable but the injury is minor. (I just learned that the league did away with the “probable” designation-where was I?) Rodgers should be ready and raring to go now that wr Nelson is at full health. Word is that rb Lacy’s man boobs are at least one cup size smaller. The Jags grabbed Malik Jackson from Denver and he gets to feast on Lane Taylor, a guy with two starts on his CV. I figure Green Bay gets out to a quick lead, extends it and then Bortles and Co. air it out and make it close. Jacksonville is much improved but they’re in a bit deep today.

Bills/Bal-Remember Devin Hester? He’s on the Ravens now. The Ryan Boys look to steal a win on the road against a Baltimore squad that looks a bit meh to me.

Bears/Texans-Qb Osweiler has the luxury of flinging the ball at the catch machine known as wr Hopkins. That’s a nice little safety blanket you’ve got there, Brocky! De Watt will play today because he is of course the gamiest gamer that played this here damn game. The Bears are bringing it 3.5 yards at a time with rb Langford. They also get a special bonus in the first appearance of wr White, the 7th overall pick last year. If things work out for the 6’3″, 220 lb. West Virginny product, and I imagine they will, the Bears will probably let Jeffrey walk after the season. Why? Because Bears fans can never have anything nice, that’s why.

Cle/Phil-Rook qb Wentz goes from pre-season scratch to starting because…Eagles front office wizardry? At least he gets the Browns for his first start. That said, he’ll soon learn that North Dakota State is a long, long, long way from Philly. (Espn still has Bradford listed as the Eagles starting qb on their depth chart) Say a prayer for RG3’s offensive line. And the rb duo of Crowell/Johnson. And the city of Cleveland.

Bucs/Falcs-Tampa looks to be slowly getting their shit together but one problem they have today is that their top 3 cb’s are all 5’11” or under. Did I mention that they’ll be up against Julio Jones? He’s getting 160+ yards as long as qb Ryan remembers what his priorities are. I do think that Winston/Evans/Martin/The D take this one though.

Minny/Tenny-I’m calling it. Rb Henry takes the starting job from DeMarco by week 5. For now they’re calling this backfield Thunder and Thunder. Clever. The Vikes will counter the Titans run game with…the run game. This game should be done in just over 2 hours. Reports indicate that Shaun Hill has the starter honours this week at qb while Bradford brushes up on the playbook/gets a paper cut.

Cincy/NYJ-Eifert is out so it looks like wr Green is The Red Rifle’s only viable option. (the sneaky fantasy guy inside me hopes that rook wr Tyler Boyd gets many of the targets that Sanu and Jones left behind) The Jets have won 9 of the last 11 meetings betwixt these fellas. Beardy McHarvard looks to duplicate his 2015 outlier year and I think he can do it while leaning on the likes of Forte, Marshall and Decker. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Hey Jets, can you put at least a little scare into the Pats this year, please?”.

Oak/NO-These teams combined to lose 7 of 8 pre-season games. Brees will throw for 5 billion yards yet again and the Saints won’t sniff .500 again. Meanwhile Oakland’s youngsters will continue to negotiate that “winning consistently in the NFL” learning curve.

Bolts/Chiefs-Everyone knows that the Chiefs are going to “run and dump” (short passes) but it’s not easy to stop. Yes, talent may have something to do with it but hc Reid’s scrawled-on-a-dirty-napkin schemes do work. Rb Ware averaged 5.6 yards per carry overall and scored 2 TD’s against the Chargers last year. He’s not the home run hitter that Charles is but I’m sure the Chiefs are confident in the work he will do. Many eyes are on rb Gordon after his disappointing rook season. Those that have paid attention in camp note that he’s hitting the hole with authority and looks confident. Qb Rivers needs help from someone else other than wr Allen and aging te Gates.

[wipes pretend sweat from brow] Whew! Glad that’s done. Now sharpen your typing fingers and LET’S GET GOING!!!

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His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Cincy in full playoff mode right now.

entropy

That hit on Marshall seemed a bit late.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

What am I watching? The Bears D looking competent. Eddie Royal doing anything

Gratliff

Joe Flacco in full on “Just out there having fun” mode.

theeWeeBabySeamus

He got paid foar nearly blowing a SB championship 4 years ago.
He gotz no worries.

blaxabbath

What’d I’d give to have the Cards have won a SB four years ago….

Redshirt

Urge to cut myself rising… rising…

makeitsnowondem

Weird how everyone’s mad at Kaepernick for not standing up on 9/11, but no one yelled at the towers for the same thing.

King Hippo

BANNER

Trevor Semen

Put this on the banner

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Jet fuel can’t melt balky ankles.

packman_jon

That’s because Kaep just collapsed by himself. The twin towers had help.

From the controllled demolitons

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ll third it…if not on banner by day’s end I’ll kill all of you.

packman_jon

Man Joe Flacco has an elite stat line

Mother Puncher

There’s the Dalton I goddammit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Duchess

Working an Open House on Opening day… no TV in a $625k house in Falls Church? oh well, at least I got yall to help keep me in the loop. Just don’t spoil the Saints-Raiders game in tape…. Yeah, I can’t say that with a straight face.

JustStopDude

Holy shit….the Baltimore Receivers look a HELL of a lot better.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Give it time.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Holy God, this Jet defense looks like it will eat souls this year.

blaxabbath

I wish I had that game. Big Bowles fan here. I don’t know what the hell he’s supposed to do with that offense (or, rather, have his OC do) but that dude can run a defense.

Brocky

So I’ve got a conundrum on my hands.

Did some errands earlier, so i’m wearing pants. Obviously the next step is too take them off, but should I put my bears pajama slacks on? they’re so damn comfortable.

Sharkbait

I feel like those get a pass. Theyre not real pants anyway.

JustStopDude

This is why I have a fully nudity policy in my apartment, except when cooking (then I wear an apron).

No fuss, no muss.

packman_jon

Pants are evil and should be avoided at all costs

ThePirateSloth

haha fuck you Drew Brees!

Dick E. Phuck

Sometimes I completely forget that the Titans exist.

Duchess

They are the Mythical team, the Texans create an existential dilemma.

blaxabbath

Clay Matthews would make a great Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure villian.

He is also a dick.

Sharkbait

Bleergh makes his presence known in Philly.

Bortleback

“It’s not booing, fans are just saying Kuhn”………phrasing?

theeWeeBabySeamus

You know it’s bad when I’m wishing Tyrod Taylor was still in Baltimore.
Well, he is today anyway, but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!!!!!

Lord Joe Don Looney

I would like to go on record, that I would like to take the Redzone out behind the gas station and get it pregnant.

/dick joke
/Rick and Morty my favorite current show . . .

Gratliff

Lots of Trump supporters in New Orleans

Gratliff

Joe Flacco expediting his exit from the league

theeWeeBabySeamus

From your lips to non-existant god’s ear.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Burn in hell, Flacco. Before today is over I might take us both there.

JustStopDude

Holy shit…that has to be the funniest fumble in NFL history…sans buttfumble.

entropy

The Jets actually looked competent on that drive. I’m not sure how to react to that.

blaxabbath

Can you believe that, if the playoffs started right now, both Phi, TB, Oak, and GB would be post-season teams?!

Dick E. Phuck

It’s 2002 all over again.

entropy

The bar I’m at, Eagles fans have already begun planning the Super Bowl victory parade.

blaxabbath

“…and then I’ll light the police cruiser on fire so you have a distraction while we get President Trump safely to the Liberty Bell…..”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fuck me.
When does hockey start?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I have been surprisingly entertained by how ornery the USA/Canada warmup games have been.

herodotus450

1 month 1 day

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ll nevar make it that long.

JustStopDude

Steve Smith Jr reminds of this woman I used to day. Like I could tell someone said something to here and i would have to come running up “Hey baby…they didn’t mean it” to stop her from attach someone with her shoe.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hee hee

Trevor Semen

How drunk are you? It must be very.

Trevor Semen

For some reason it replied to you, not JSD

Shogun Marcus

Lacy lost too much weight.

Bortleback

Get that man some China food!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

What are we drinking? I picked up a sixer of sweetwater 420

Col. Duke LaCross

Had stomach surgery a couple months ago, so sadly, iced tea. Having to face a Bears season sober might finally kill me.

ThePirateSloth

Bearded Russian – a white russian with stout. Today’s stout is Anderson Valley’s Bourbon Barrel Stout.

Brocky

Bears 3 and out in the red zone, will miss the field goal

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Wroooooong

Brocky

I’m 0-2 on my pessimism here, its served me well before, not going to stop now

Col. Duke LaCross

Cutler slingin’ guns…

Spur

Melvin Gordon running like he cares about having a “good” career.

ThePirateSloth

http://memecrunch.com/meme/EUZJ/foosball-is-the-devil/image.png

And I for one, welcome our new Overlord for the next 6 months.

Gratliff

Like I said, super important he get himself prepared for those TD catches

Dick E. Phuck

Matt Schaub 2.0

King Hippo

anybody have Wentz FOAR first TD of day? Other than Jesus, obvs.

theeWeeBabySeamus

LMFAO

Trevor Semen

Anyone see those Jets fans holding up an American flag that had the stars replaced with something along the lines of “9/11 never forget”?

Bortleback

This?comment image

Trevor Semen

Yes, that.

Brocky

I can’t decide if that’s incredibly dumb or actually creative.

theeWeeBabySeamus

At least I don’t have to be ashamed of defense in B’more.
Hope they can score some points.

JustStopDude

It Buffalo…not exactly an offensive juggernaut.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Shut up….let me have this for now.
Do you just WANT to see my brain on the ceiling????????

King Hippo

hahahaha Brock Lobster

Gratliff

Jordan Matthews with that oh-so-important first drop of the year. It can’t be stated how crucial it is for him to hurry into midseason form.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BROCKERCEPTION! I am erect.

Brick Meathook

The Raiders have a defensive end who’s first name is “Jihad”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Of course they do.

Bortleback

Is he unexpected?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Well today’s his day to blow up, no?

Brocky

Bears Defense: Still Bad

Brocky

I take that back!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

They just got an interception. I am pretty sure that hasn’t happened in 3 years.

blaxabbath

Clay Matthews is looking like his PED orders are still arriving on time.

Brocky

Qb Osweiler has the luxury of flinging the ball at the catch machine known as wr Hopkins. That’s a nice little safety blanket you’ve got there, Brocky!

Is that a typo or just a thing people sayed to people called brock? cuz if so,

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lolcb3DFFk1qjgu8s.gif

King Hippo

OCTOBOX!!!

/feel like I have some of his coke by remote osmosis

Mother Puncher

I’m proud to live in a country where “U – S – A” is an appropriate response to a moment of silence.

blaxabbath

Woooo! Pam Oliver! One broadcast figure that I don’t cringe at the sight of!

King Hippo

SCOTT MUTHAFUCKIN’ HANSON!!!

Spur

Raiders v Saints and Chargers v Chiefs. Cowboys game on later. Redzone is not ala carte. It’s part of a $20 sports package. i think I’ll wait this week.

theeWeeBabySeamus

60,000 pairs of Baltimore feet and I gotta coach a damned ballgame.
– Sexy Rexy