You read that? You can’t talk about anything but football. Football, football, football. I kid of course-open up about anything you like. Just be aware that you may get drowned out by a DEZDOWN! or a HAIL BLEERG! or a FLACCOCEPTION! You spin the wheel, you take yer chances…TO THE GAMES!
Cincy/Pit-Oof! Qb Dalton was sacked 7 times last week. I expect that the Steelers D will increase that total. Lb Shazier left with a knee injury last week and his status was up in the air earlier in the week but he’ll play today. The Bengals gave up 5.3 yds per carry to Forte and Powell last week and now face 143 yard-earner Williams. My prediction?…Pain, uh, I mean Rain-a 50% chance.
Tenn/Det-Qb Stafford is sporting a ridiculous 79.5% completion rate. Yes, it is fun to cherry-pick stats after the first week of play. The Titans weren’t able to get any pressure on Shaun Hill last week so I expect The Chunky Monkey will have himself another fine game. Go get ’em, Marvin Jones! Rook wr Sharpe is looking like the real thing in Mariota’s eyes. He had 7 catches on 11 targets, both of which led the team. If the Lions get up early on the Titans as I expect they will, the latter’s plans to ground and pound with Murray and Henry will be shelved once again.
Bal/Cle-Next up on the Browns QB Carousel is old, dependable Josh McCown. As a starter over the last 19 games he’s 2-17. His opposite number, mayo-based life form Flacco is 13-2 vs. the Browns. He threw vanilla-ish stats of 22/33-258-1 against the wall in a yawn-inducing 13-7 win over the Bills last week. Look for wr Wallace to test the back end of a leaky Browns secondary early. One guy that is happy about the dreadful McCown news is te Barnidge-he had two drops last week and did little else. Last year he was able to spread his wings stats-wise as Josh’s security blanket. Look for more of the same starting this week.
Dal/Wash-Both squads lost last week so of course there was tons of hand-wringing among the faithful this week. No one wants to go down 0-2 in a division that could be won by an assemblage of national Punt, Pass and Kick winners. Wr Dez had but one catch on five targets last week. Renowned world-beater Beasley had a mere 12 targets in the same game. DAK! will take what the D gives him at this point in his development but The Beezer is not going to win you games. Oh looky over here-Dez tends to play the right side of the field which is where a certain cb by the name of Norman plays. Interesting! Look for rb Elliot to bust out this game given the run-stopping issues that the Redacteds had last week against the Steelers.
Saints/Giants-The Giants reformulated d-line and secondary should reduce the chances of there being a repeat of the 52-49 OT score-ganza that occurred last year. Brees is still Brees of course but this one is being played outside in less than agreeable conditions. New York’s less than whelming lb group is vulnerable to the te but Fleener was near-invisible last week. The Saints D didn’t get a single TO or sack last week. That’s amazing. You know what’s depressing? This already below average unit just lost starting cb Breaux to a broken leg. I expect Brees’ arm to kneel-down in protest of the harsh working conditions it is being subjected to any week now.
SF/Car-The Niners have a win and Carolina doesn’t? Has the world gone topsy-loopy? San Fran stunned the Rams last week by putting up 28 points and shutting them out. This week they are 13.5 point ‘dogs to the Panthers. I’m willing to bet that after one game they’re not that good nor are they that bad. Kelly’s heroes will catch up to the spread in garbage time.
Mia/NE-The Pats begin their annual humbling of AFC East teams by hosting the Fins. As far as I know at this point Gronk may or may not play. It doesn’t matter. Qb Jimmy G (I don’t know how to spell Garibaldi. See?) will three step drop his way to adequate stats feeding the likes of Amendola, Edelman and Hogan. When the Miami D begins back-pedalling New England will treat them to a pounding by a Blount-force object. Easy peasy.
KC/Hou-Qb Smith threw for 363 yards last week. As you may have guessed, about 40% of those yards went to rb’s Ware and West. That’s the Alex Smith we all know, love and expect. Ware leads the team in rushing and receiving and is doing pretty much exactly what Jamaal Charles will next week when he returns. If you’re an rb that can catch the ball in an Andy Reid offence, you will pile up the numbers. That’s just the way it is. The Texans D is quite stout overall but its one weakness-slow-ish linebackers that can’t cover te’s or short passes to the halfbacks-plays directly to the Chiefs strengths. Look for Kelce and Ware to thrive.
Now…LET’S GET OUT THERE AND GO, FIGHT, TYPE!!!
KC-Houston is gearing up to be a travesty.
The Macgyver show is just going to be him googling 90% of the time
The Chiefs are garbage.
LUCKY garbage, but yes. They always back into a crazy number of wins.
Flark.
I don’t know what it means, but I like the sound of it
Gotta love that effort by Dez on 3rd down
I did pick up McCown, but started Old Man Rivers over him. DUMB, DUMB, DUMB HIPPO
That’s some good dodging, Cole.
Clean Coal Beasley gritfirst and goal
RIP RGIII’s value
Tackling must be really hard. People seem to SUCK AT IT
Geez, Zeke is having trouble.
Amendola AND Janine Garrafalo were available on waivers in my 20-man roster league. Even after the first full day of waiver picks this Tuesday.
I AM STUPID
There does not exist a reality where Blaine Gabbert should be starting over Colin Kaepernick.
http://media0.giphy.com/media/JEGIloZ79M46c/giphy.gif
Thanks Fleshwound!
http://media0.giphy.com/media/JEGIloZ79M46c/giphy.gif
Can’t believe D’Angelo Hall still plays, let alone starts.
I should put some gin and ice cubes in this soda water I’m drinking.
I recommend a Becherovka and tonic as the fall/winter weather sets in.
I’ll be gradually switching to boulevardiers as the season progresses
Solid choice.
you two would throw like, the CLASSIEST drunky footballing parties
dez makes a catch let the takes flow freely
I’m going full RedZone for the early games. There is usually a Bears game or some other game of interest that at least gets a majority of the focus even if I have RedZone on in the background.
Brock LOLster today ,, amirite??
Looks like Cam Newton is still concussed.
I miss Burfict.
Adam Jones has had a longer and better career than every white sports columnist ever predicted repeatedly.
CHUH CHUH
/looks foar Tussionex bottle
In their defense, his career should have been over like 7 times.
2 hours to freedom and bourbles!
Huh, DC/DAL is on local broadcast apparently.
I get to pirate the Dallas since the location station thinks the Niners what be a great game to show.
OCTOBOX
Steeler Nation? Bengals County? Let’s both agree to get through our games with no season-crippling injuries. When we hurt each other, Baltimore wins!
oh, there will be crippling
Hello all
Ahoy hoy
PLENTY of seats available in Yinzerburg
BUT YOU WILL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!
So the final game (Superbowl equivalent) for my national sport that I never pay attention to was on today. They were tied at the end, so the rules state that they have to replay the game, in full, in two weeks time. All the players are amateurs, so the organisers are highly amused at getting a full stadium of fans again, making a huge amount off them. Are the NCAA missing a trick by allowing overtime to exist?
Is the sport Mittens?
http://magictavern.wikidot.com/mittens
EXTENDED heroic pre-game music on RedZone!!!
Pittsburgh.
Cincinatti.
In the rain.
In the dark.
Someday we all fade to black.
/adjusts beret as coffeehouse snaps their fingers
President Trump should be there to personally jerk everyone off WITH HIS AMAZING HANDS at the half! (smh)
Yes! Downpour and Heinz Field has real grass. I don’t say this often, but:
THANK YOU PITTSBURGH!!!
The problem with using kick returners with no other role (goddamnit, Marcus Murphy) is that they are gameday inactives a lot, with no teevee notice. Thank fuck it shows up on yahoo.
Yes, this is insanity. Clearly.
Don’t forget to make your pick in the Suicide pool.
http://survivor.fantasy.nfl.com/group/21617
Oh good it’s Dan Fouts, a good early reason to start drinking.
Put the TV on mute and listen on radio. Their might be a time delay ahead or behind, but you get used to it. Plus its better than the alternative.
It’s very true. I’ve done that many times in the past, and it’s way better than listening to the TV guys. I really love radio football, and one of my favorite fall things is running errands on Saturdays to radio college football. I can also feel good about skipping cable since I can listen to any meaningless MNF games on the radio while I do other things–which worked out when I heard the ‘idiot on the field’ call live this last monday.
Bengals Radio has gotten me through many a shitty year.
This Bengals-Steelers rivalry is getting me flashbacks to high school. The popular jock bully the inferior kids but when a kid fights back, the kid gets in trouble for hurting the jock and ruining his chances at winning a championship.
Didn’t have that at my school: football team won a few games early during my freshman year…
…and didn’t win again until after I graduated. It was awesome to see those dicks look a fool.
Reminds me of Marching Band.
Freshmen & Sophmores: “We won a game. What does the band do when we win?”
Me as a Junior: “I don’t know.”
Welp, new favorite picture.
IS the anthem playing?
They made it special, got all gussied up for the occasion n everything.
It’s probably a good thing we don’t get to see who the lucky woman is.
It’s all the women not in that picture.
I woke up at 6:18 this morning because my wife was snoring. She’s trying to quit smoking so rather than murder her I let her sleep until a little after 7, when she woke up and wandered downstairs to curse the universe and sulk. I rolled over and went back to sleep.
Woke up at 11:22. Mornings are overrated anyway.
Thing I will unreasonably taek as good sign from universe – just now, in the drive-through pharmacy line, some dude driving by saw my hat and yelled “Broncos! WOOOOO!!!!”
Downstream commenter is right, we may see Luck’s funeral today, though he has historically eaten the Donks alive. A paper mache OL against a Wade Phillips D…
Yo! What’s goin on, on this fine, fine Sunday? How’re y’all?
Since I was airborne last week, this will be my first week of non-stop football gorging. I am looking forward to it. Also, I am annoyed by setting my fantasy lineup. It is truly football season! Huzzah!
It would be funny if you accidentally started Dez.
Actually, if Norman isn’t covering him and it’s not supposed to rain anymore, I might have to. Though I really kinda don’t want to.
Difficult decisions that will find a way to bite you in the ass regardless of what you choose? Football season truly *is* upon us.
I’m intentionally starting Dez. ಠ_ಠ
So, who’s ready for an entire Sunday full of people on social media screaming “THEY SHOULDN’T DISRESPECT AMERICA! I LOVE AMERICA SO MUCH THE FIRST THING I WANT TO RESTRICT IS THE FIRST THING IT STANDS FOR!”?
If any of those people are Trump supporters (they probably are!) then they hate and disrespect America more than anyone kneeling during the anthem. They don’t think America is great! They think it’s failing and doesn’t serve them adequately! They should get the hell out if they hate America so much! Then there would be fewer racists in America and they wouldn’t have to kneel and protest! Problem solved!
This is a fun argument to advance in response.
Please just don’t send up here Dok.
I feel like there was definitely a missed opportunity to redirect the “LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT” slogans this year.
The one Sunday I have off a month and I get a somewhat meastly offering:
1pm: CIN/PIT, DAL/WSH
4pm: IND/DEN
Check to see if your provider is giving a Sunday Ticket freeview.
had redzone for free last week, gone this week
Up here I pay the 50 dollars a year for redzone but just cannot bother to pay the 200 for sunday ticket.
You might get to see Andrew Luck die on the field.
Never been much of a whiskey drinker. Finding myself enjoying the flavor of Eagle Rare. Knowing that folks here have deep experiences with various beverages, what whiskey would you recommend for today’s game?
I am a huge fan of anything Balvenie puts in a bottle.
Buffalo Trace is always a solid choice.
HOT TAEK: Buffalo Trace is the dollar-for-dollar best booze in the universe.
Will accept this taek!
I’m a yuuuuuuuuge fan of Jameson (any of them, really, although the Black Barrel and Caskmates editions are particular standouts, and the 12 year is just fantastic), although it depends on if you mean Irish Whiskey, Scotch, or the American stuff. For a cheaper Irish option, 2 Gingers is quite nice, and pairs up well with ginger ale to make a damn fine whiskey and ginger. If you want a sweeter Irish blend, go for the Tullamore Dew. Powers is OK by most other folks, although I’m not a fan, and stay the hell away from the hideously cheap in every sense Feckin’ Irish Whiskey.
I’m not big on Scotch, although liter got it in one with the Balvenie suggestion.
For American whiskeys, you cannot go wrong with Maker’s Mark (the 44 is outstanding), and Knob CReek is good although a bourbon.
Eagle Rare is underrated, but the Buffalo Trace take is spot on. If you want to stick with bourbon, that’s your bet. If you want something less sweet, check out one of the many ryes under $40, like High West or Redemption. If you want to branch out to whisky, Balvenie is awesome. And when you’re ready for peaty, let me know.
http://506sports.com
I tried to do my morning post, but it’s still pending review, I gather there are posting rules now. Shame, I was sure my new Tuesday series reviewing massacres in the 3rd world would have been a hit.
Feels weird to have Bears on MNF this early in the season. Probably running errands with the lady ahead of getting hammered tomorrow night during the game.
So the reports are not true then, Norman and not Breeland will be covering Dez most of the game?
http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/dc/dc2fd6da2c741a3b2f6ae5fcf700e06fafe43267ea271579118ef4292ffb25c6.jpg
According to the always reliable “multiple sources” Breeland will indeed be covering Dez.
Now it’s all up to DAK!
DAK DAK!
Showed my buddies the RAM IT video, so for the last week every sentence in our whatsapp group ends with RAM IT.
Gronk is officially OUT: sore/oozing groin
Fuck. My backup is Charles Clay…who went Thursday.
WAIVER WIRE!
Yeah, I went with Austin Nefarious-Jenkins, had to drop Jordan Howard (no big loss for now).
Lotsa dink and dunk in our early game futures, methinks. Let’s get PILLED THE FUCK UP!!!!