Your Early Afternoon Slate Of NFL Games Open Thread

You read that? You can’t talk about anything but football. Football, football, football. I kid of course-open up about anything you like. Just be aware that you may get drowned out by a DEZDOWN! or a HAIL BLEERG! or a FLACCOCEPTION! You spin the wheel, you take yer chances…TO THE GAMES!

Cincy/Pit-Oof! Qb Dalton was sacked 7 times last week. I expect that the Steelers D will increase that total. Lb Shazier left with a knee injury last week and his status was up in the air earlier in the week but he’ll play today. The Bengals gave up 5.3 yds per carry to Forte and Powell last week and now face 143 yard-earner Williams. My prediction?…Pain, uh, I mean Rain-a 50% chance.

Tenn/Det-Qb Stafford is sporting a ridiculous 79.5% completion rate. Yes, it is fun to cherry-pick stats after the first week of play. The Titans weren’t able to get any pressure on Shaun Hill last week so I expect The Chunky Monkey will have himself another fine game. Go get ’em, Marvin Jones! Rook wr Sharpe is looking like the real thing in Mariota’s eyes. He had 7 catches on 11 targets, both of which led the team. If the Lions get up early on the Titans as I expect they will, the latter’s plans to ground and pound with Murray and Henry will be shelved once again.

Bal/Cle-Next up on the Browns QB Carousel is old, dependable Josh McCown. As a starter over the last 19 games he’s 2-17. His opposite number, mayo-based life form Flacco is 13-2 vs. the Browns. He threw vanilla-ish stats of 22/33-258-1 against the wall in a yawn-inducing 13-7 win over the Bills last week. Look for wr Wallace to test the back end of a leaky Browns secondary early. One guy that is happy about the dreadful McCown news is te Barnidge-he had two drops last week and did little else. Last year he was able to spread his wings stats-wise as Josh’s security blanket. Look for more of the same starting this week.

Dal/Wash-Both squads lost last week so of course there was tons of hand-wringing among the faithful this week. No one wants to go down 0-2 in a division that could be won by an assemblage of national Punt, Pass and Kick winners. Wr Dez had but one catch on five targets last week. Renowned world-beater Beasley had a mere 12 targets in the same game. DAK! will take what the D gives him at this point in his development but The Beezer is not going to win you games. Oh looky over here-Dez tends to play the right side of the field which is where a certain cb by the name of Norman plays. Interesting! Look for rb Elliot to bust out this game given the run-stopping issues that the Redacteds had last week against the Steelers.

Saints/Giants-The Giants reformulated d-line and secondary should reduce the chances of there being a repeat of the 52-49 OT score-ganza that occurred last year. Brees is still Brees of course but this one is being played outside in less than agreeable conditions. New York’s less than whelming lb group is vulnerable to the te but Fleener was near-invisible last week. The Saints D didn’t get a single TO or sack last week. That’s amazing. You know what’s depressing? This already below average unit just lost starting cb Breaux to a broken leg. I expect Brees’ arm to kneel-down in protest of the harsh working conditions it is being subjected to any week now.

SF/Car-The Niners have a win and Carolina doesn’t? Has the world gone topsy-loopy? San Fran stunned the Rams last week by putting up 28 points and shutting them out. This week they are 13.5 point ‘dogs to the Panthers. I’m willing to bet that after one game they’re not that good nor are they that bad. Kelly’s heroes will catch up to the spread in garbage time.

Mia/NE-The Pats begin their annual humbling of  AFC East teams by hosting the Fins. As far as I know at this point Gronk may or may not play. It doesn’t matter. Qb Jimmy G (I don’t know how to spell Garibaldi. See?) will three step drop his way to adequate stats feeding the likes of Amendola, Edelman and Hogan. When the Miami D begins back-pedalling New England will treat them to a pounding by a Blount-force object. Easy peasy.

KC/Hou-Qb Smith threw for 363 yards last week. As you may have guessed, about 40% of those yards went to rb’s Ware and West. That’s the Alex Smith we all know, love and expect. Ware leads the team in rushing and receiving and is doing pretty much exactly what Jamaal Charles will next week when he returns. If you’re an rb that can catch the ball in an Andy Reid offence, you will pile up the numbers. That’s just the way it is. The Texans D is quite  stout overall but its one weakness-slow-ish linebackers that can’t cover te’s or short passes to the halfbacks-plays directly to the Chiefs strengths. Look for Kelce and Ware to thrive.

Now…LET’S GET OUT THERE AND GO, FIGHT, TYPE!!!

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Gratliff

KC-Houston is gearing up to be a travesty.

Spur

The Macgyver show is just going to be him googling 90% of the time

Col. Duke LaCross

The Chiefs are garbage.

King Hippo

LUCKY garbage, but yes. They always back into a crazy number of wins.

Brocky

Flark.

I don’t know what it means, but I like the sound of it

King Hippo

Gotta love that effort by Dez on 3rd down

King Hippo

I did pick up McCown, but started Old Man Rivers over him. DUMB, DUMB, DUMB HIPPO

Spur

That’s some good dodging, Cole.

fleshwound_NPG

Clean Coal Beasley gritfirst and goal

Gratliff

RIP RGIII’s value

Doktor Zymm

Tackling must be really hard. People seem to SUCK AT IT

Spur

Geez, Zeke is having trouble.

King Hippo

Amendola AND Janine Garrafalo were available on waivers in my 20-man roster league. Even after the first full day of waiver picks this Tuesday.

I AM STUPID

Gratliff

There does not exist a reality where Blaine Gabbert should be starting over Colin Kaepernick.

fleshwound_NPG

comment image

ThursdaySkyGoddess
Redshirt
Spur

Can’t believe D’Angelo Hall still plays, let alone starts.

Doktor Zymm

I should put some gin and ice cubes in this soda water I’m drinking.

Old School Zero

I recommend a Becherovka and tonic as the fall/winter weather sets in.

Doktor Zymm

I’ll be gradually switching to boulevardiers as the season progresses

Old School Zero

Solid choice.

King Hippo

you two would throw like, the CLASSIEST drunky footballing parties

Glorious Chairman Dan

dez makes a catch let the takes flow freely

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I’m going full RedZone for the early games. There is usually a Bears game or some other game of interest that at least gets a majority of the focus even if I have RedZone on in the background.

King Hippo

Brock LOLster today ,, amirite??

Old School Zero

Looks like Cam Newton is still concussed.

Spur

I miss Burfict.

Old School Zero

Adam Jones has had a longer and better career than every white sports columnist ever predicted repeatedly.

King Hippo

CHUH CHUH

/looks foar Tussionex bottle

Gratliff

In their defense, his career should have been over like 7 times.

Sharkbait

2 hours to freedom and bourbles!

Doktor Zymm

Huh, DC/DAL is on local broadcast apparently.

Spur

I get to pirate the Dallas since the location station thinks the Niners what be a great game to show.

Col. Duke LaCross

OCTOBOX

Redshirt

Steeler Nation? Bengals County? Let’s both agree to get through our games with no season-crippling injuries. When we hurt each other, Baltimore wins!

King Hippo

oh, there will be crippling

Spur

Hello all

litre_cola

Ahoy hoy

fleshwound_NPG

PLENTY of seats available in Yinzerburg

litre_cola

BUT YOU WILL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!

Bortleback

So the final game (Superbowl equivalent) for my national sport that I never pay attention to was on today. They were tied at the end, so the rules state that they have to replay the game, in full, in two weeks time. All the players are amateurs, so the organisers are highly amused at getting a full stadium of fans again, making a huge amount off them. Are the NCAA missing a trick by allowing overtime to exist?

herodotus450
King Hippo

EXTENDED heroic pre-game music on RedZone!!!

Old School Zero

Pittsburgh.
Cincinatti.
In the rain.
In the dark.
Someday we all fade to black.

/adjusts beret as coffeehouse snaps their fingers

King Hippo

President Trump should be there to personally jerk everyone off WITH HIS AMAZING HANDS at the half! (smh)

Redshirt

Yes! Downpour and Heinz Field has real grass. I don’t say this often, but:

THANK YOU PITTSBURGH!!!

King Hippo

The problem with using kick returners with no other role (goddamnit, Marcus Murphy) is that they are gameday inactives a lot, with no teevee notice. Thank fuck it shows up on yahoo.

Yes, this is insanity. Clearly.

Spanky Datass

Don’t forget to make your pick in the Suicide pool.
http://survivor.fantasy.nfl.com/group/21617

Old School Zero

Oh good it’s Dan Fouts, a good early reason to start drinking.

Redshirt

Put the TV on mute and listen on radio. Their might be a time delay ahead or behind, but you get used to it. Plus its better than the alternative.

Old School Zero

It’s very true. I’ve done that many times in the past, and it’s way better than listening to the TV guys. I really love radio football, and one of my favorite fall things is running errands on Saturdays to radio college football. I can also feel good about skipping cable since I can listen to any meaningless MNF games on the radio while I do other things–which worked out when I heard the ‘idiot on the field’ call live this last monday.

Redshirt

Bengals Radio has gotten me through many a shitty year.

Redshirt

This Bengals-Steelers rivalry is getting me flashbacks to high school. The popular jock bully the inferior kids but when a kid fights back, the kid gets in trouble for hurting the jock and ruining his chances at winning a championship.

fleshwound_NPG

Didn’t have that at my school: football team won a few games early during my freshman year…

…and didn’t win again until after I graduated. It was awesome to see those dicks look a fool.

Redshirt

Reminds me of Marching Band.

Freshmen & Sophmores: “We won a game. What does the band do when we win?”
Me as a Junior: “I don’t know.”

Gratliff

Welp, new favorite picture.

comment image

litre_cola

IS the anthem playing?

entropy

They made it special, got all gussied up for the occasion n everything.

John Difool

It’s probably a good thing we don’t get to see who the lucky woman is.

Gratliff

It’s all the women not in that picture.

Horatio Cornblower

I woke up at 6:18 this morning because my wife was snoring. She’s trying to quit smoking so rather than murder her I let her sleep until a little after 7, when she woke up and wandered downstairs to curse the universe and sulk. I rolled over and went back to sleep.

Woke up at 11:22. Mornings are overrated anyway.

King Hippo

Thing I will unreasonably taek as good sign from universe – just now, in the drive-through pharmacy line, some dude driving by saw my hat and yelled “Broncos! WOOOOO!!!!”

Downstream commenter is right, we may see Luck’s funeral today, though he has historically eaten the Donks alive. A paper mache OL against a Wade Phillips D…

entropy

Yo! What’s goin on, on this fine, fine Sunday? How’re y’all?

Doktor Zymm

Since I was airborne last week, this will be my first week of non-stop football gorging. I am looking forward to it. Also, I am annoyed by setting my fantasy lineup. It is truly football season! Huzzah!

...

It would be funny if you accidentally started Dez.

Doktor Zymm

Actually, if Norman isn’t covering him and it’s not supposed to rain anymore, I might have to. Though I really kinda don’t want to.

...

Difficult decisions that will find a way to bite you in the ass regardless of what you choose? Football season truly *is* upon us.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m intentionally starting Dez. ಠ_ಠ

Gratliff

So, who’s ready for an entire Sunday full of people on social media screaming “THEY SHOULDN’T DISRESPECT AMERICA! I LOVE AMERICA SO MUCH THE FIRST THING I WANT TO RESTRICT IS THE FIRST THING IT STANDS FOR!”?

Doktor Zymm

If any of those people are Trump supporters (they probably are!) then they hate and disrespect America more than anyone kneeling during the anthem. They don’t think America is great! They think it’s failing and doesn’t serve them adequately! They should get the hell out if they hate America so much! Then there would be fewer racists in America and they wouldn’t have to kneel and protest! Problem solved!

This is a fun argument to advance in response.

litre_cola

Please just don’t send up here Dok.

Gratliff

I feel like there was definitely a missed opportunity to redirect the “LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT” slogans this year.

fleshwound_NPG

The one Sunday I have off a month and I get a somewhat meastly offering:

1pm: CIN/PIT, DAL/WSH
4pm: IND/DEN

litre_cola

Check to see if your provider is giving a Sunday Ticket freeview.

fleshwound_NPG

had redzone for free last week, gone this week

litre_cola

Up here I pay the 50 dollars a year for redzone but just cannot bother to pay the 200 for sunday ticket.

Kungjitsu

You might get to see Andrew Luck die on the field.

Lord Joe Don Looney

Never been much of a whiskey drinker. Finding myself enjoying the flavor of Eagle Rare. Knowing that folks here have deep experiences with various beverages, what whiskey would you recommend for today’s game?

litre_cola

I am a huge fan of anything Balvenie puts in a bottle.

laserguru

Buffalo Trace is always a solid choice.

Kungjitsu

HOT TAEK: Buffalo Trace is the dollar-for-dollar best booze in the universe.

laserguru

Will accept this taek!

entropy

I’m a yuuuuuuuuge fan of Jameson (any of them, really, although the Black Barrel and Caskmates editions are particular standouts, and the 12 year is just fantastic), although it depends on if you mean Irish Whiskey, Scotch, or the American stuff. For a cheaper Irish option, 2 Gingers is quite nice, and pairs up well with ginger ale to make a damn fine whiskey and ginger. If you want a sweeter Irish blend, go for the Tullamore Dew. Powers is OK by most other folks, although I’m not a fan, and stay the hell away from the hideously cheap in every sense Feckin’ Irish Whiskey.

I’m not big on Scotch, although liter got it in one with the Balvenie suggestion.

For American whiskeys, you cannot go wrong with Maker’s Mark (the 44 is outstanding), and Knob CReek is good although a bourbon.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Eagle Rare is underrated, but the Buffalo Trace take is spot on. If you want to stick with bourbon, that’s your bet. If you want something less sweet, check out one of the many ryes under $40, like High West or Redemption. If you want to branch out to whisky, Balvenie is awesome. And when you’re ready for peaty, let me know.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

http://506sports.com

I tried to do my morning post, but it’s still pending review, I gather there are posting rules now. Shame, I was sure my new Tuesday series reviewing massacres in the 3rd world would have been a hit.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Feels weird to have Bears on MNF this early in the season. Probably running errands with the lady ahead of getting hammered tomorrow night during the game.

John Difool

So the reports are not true then, Norman and not Breeland will be covering Dez most of the game?

http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/dc/dc2fd6da2c741a3b2f6ae5fcf700e06fafe43267ea271579118ef4292ffb25c6.jpg

laserguru

According to the always reliable “multiple sources” Breeland will indeed be covering Dez.

Now it’s all up to DAK!

DAK DAK!

litre_cola

Showed my buddies the RAM IT video, so for the last week every sentence in our whatsapp group ends with RAM IT.

ballsofsteelandfury

Gronk is officially OUT: sore/oozing groin

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fuck. My backup is Charles Clay…who went Thursday.

ballsofsteelandfury

WAIVER WIRE!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah, I went with Austin Nefarious-Jenkins, had to drop Jordan Howard (no big loss for now).

King Hippo

Lotsa dink and dunk in our early game futures, methinks. Let’s get PILLED THE FUCK UP!!!!

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