Your Early Afternoon Slate Of NFL Games Open Thread

You read that? You can’t talk about anything but football. Football, football, football. I kid of course-open up about anything you like. Just be aware that you may get drowned out by a DEZDOWN! or a HAIL BLEERG! or a FLACCOCEPTION! You spin the wheel, you take yer chances…TO THE GAMES!

Cincy/Pit-Oof! Qb Dalton was sacked 7 times last week. I expect that the Steelers D will increase that total. Lb Shazier left with a knee injury last week and his status was up in the air earlier in the week but he’ll play today. The Bengals gave up 5.3 yds per carry to Forte and Powell last week and now face 143 yard-earner Williams. My prediction?…Pain, uh, I mean Rain-a 50% chance.

Tenn/Det-Qb Stafford is sporting a ridiculous 79.5% completion rate. Yes, it is fun to cherry-pick stats after the first week of play. The Titans weren’t able to get any pressure on Shaun Hill last week so I expect The Chunky Monkey will have himself another fine game. Go get ’em, Marvin Jones! Rook wr Sharpe is looking like the real thing in Mariota’s eyes. He had 7 catches on 11 targets, both of which led the team. If the Lions get up early on the Titans as I expect they will, the latter’s plans to ground and pound with Murray and Henry will be shelved once again.

Bal/Cle-Next up on the Browns QB Carousel is old, dependable Josh McCown. As a starter over the last 19 games he’s 2-17. His opposite number, mayo-based life form Flacco is 13-2 vs. the Browns. He threw vanilla-ish stats of 22/33-258-1 against the wall in a yawn-inducing 13-7 win over the Bills last week. Look for wr Wallace to test the back end of a leaky Browns secondary early. One guy that is happy about the dreadful McCown news is te Barnidge-he had two drops last week and did little else. Last year he was able to spread his wings stats-wise as Josh’s security blanket. Look for more of the same starting this week.

Dal/Wash-Both squads lost last week so of course there was tons of hand-wringing among the faithful this week. No one wants to go down 0-2 in a division that could be won by an assemblage of national Punt, Pass and Kick winners. Wr Dez had but one catch on five targets last week. Renowned world-beater Beasley had a mere 12 targets in the same game. DAK! will take what the D gives him at this point in his development but The Beezer is not going to win you games. Oh looky over here-Dez tends to play the right side of the field which is where a certain cb by the name of Norman plays. Interesting! Look for rb Elliot to bust out this game given the run-stopping issues that the Redacteds had last week against the Steelers.

Saints/Giants-The Giants reformulated d-line and secondary should reduce the chances of there being a repeat of the 52-49 OT score-ganza that occurred last year. Brees is still Brees of course but this one is being played outside in less than agreeable conditions. New York’s less than whelming lb group is vulnerable to the te but Fleener was near-invisible last week. The Saints D didn’t get a single TO or sack last week. That’s amazing. You know what’s depressing? This already below average unit just lost starting cb Breaux to a broken leg. I expect Brees’ arm to kneel-down in protest of the harsh working conditions it is being subjected to any week now.

SF/Car-The Niners have a win and Carolina doesn’t? Has the world gone topsy-loopy? San Fran stunned the Rams last week by putting up 28 points and shutting them out. This week they are 13.5 point ‘dogs to the Panthers. I’m willing to bet that after one game they’re not that good nor are they that bad. Kelly’s heroes will catch up to the spread in garbage time.

Mia/NE-The Pats begin their annual humbling of  AFC East teams by hosting the Fins. As far as I know at this point Gronk may or may not play. It doesn’t matter. Qb Jimmy G (I don’t know how to spell Garibaldi. See?) will three step drop his way to adequate stats feeding the likes of Amendola, Edelman and Hogan. When the Miami D begins back-pedalling New England will treat them to a pounding by a Blount-force object. Easy peasy.

KC/Hou-Qb Smith threw for 363 yards last week. As you may have guessed, about 40% of those yards went to rb’s Ware and West. That’s the Alex Smith we all know, love and expect. Ware leads the team in rushing and receiving and is doing pretty much exactly what Jamaal Charles will next week when he returns. If you’re an rb that can catch the ball in an Andy Reid offence, you will pile up the numbers. That’s just the way it is. The Texans D is quite  stout overall but its one weakness-slow-ish linebackers that can’t cover te’s or short passes to the halfbacks-plays directly to the Chiefs strengths. Look for Kelce and Ware to thrive.

Now…LET’S GET OUT THERE AND GO, FIGHT, TYPE!!!

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Trevor Semen

I see Demaryius Thomas is already in midseason form

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You mean to get 1,400 yards and ten fucking TDs?

Trevor Semen

He would have had 1500 yards and 10 TDs if he didn’t rank 5th in drops last season. Instead he had 1300 and 6 TDs.

Glorious Chairman Dan

i need to start drinking for these Slurs games, because then I can hallucinate that Kirk is good and that last year wasn’t a fluke

Glorious Chairman Dan

Colt McCoy would have won that goddamn game.

Shogun Marcus

What the shit was that cincy?

blaxabbath

Patrick Peterson showing the Tallahassee Police Department that, if you don’t give up immediately, you can stick it to Jameis Winston.

Serious Debate: More forlorn franchise Browns or Lions?

litre_cola

Bills

Yes, but for differing reasons.

Sill Bimmons

Lions.

They don’t just crush the souls of their fans, they crush the souls of their players.

Redshirt

Bengals to place or show

Spur

Cousins overthrow on a hail Mary. LOL

Lothar of the Hill People

Oh yay. Apparently Columbus gets the LA-Seattle late game. That makes sense, as there are so many displaced St. Louis fans here.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Oh factory.

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Sill Bimmons

oh stafford

Redshirt

FUCK BLEERGH SIDEWAYS WITH A TERRIBLE TOWEL!

Claymaker

“Textbook two minute drive by Alex Smith.”

At this breakneck offensive pace they will only lose by 3!

fleshwound_NPG

What is a catch
What is a fumble
What is football

Dunstan

Mike Carey, nice to see you’ve found someplace to hang out on Sundays.

Lord Joe Don Looney
Gratliff

Some good clock management there

Old School Zero

Wow. That’s some BLEERGH right there.

blaxabbath

Cards punt on their first possession.

They are going to be one of last year’s playoff teams who doesn’t even make the post-season in 2016.

Sharkbait

I dont know what a Jacoby Brisett is, but he didnt completely suck!

Redshirt

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!

LemonJello

Dan Fouts referred to James Harrison as “Ageless Wonder.” Is that the street name of the PEDs he uses?

Doktor Zymm

This is turning into a pretty good last effort drive! I wonder what horrible thing will happen to make it all go wrong?

ThePirateSloth

I’m afraid to answer that because I almost believe that anything we type could actually fucking happen.

Doktor Zymm

I know Kirk Cousins cares deeply about my personal opinion, so he best get his shit together and make this drive work, or I will think significantly less of him. Chris Thompson, you get a cookie and a thumbs up.

Lothar of the Hill People

Why didn’t CBS just call this new series “Bull” something more obvious… like “Court House” instead?

Old School Zero

apparently it’s inspired by the early career of Dr. Phil, so “Bull” seems pretty accurate.

Lothar of the Hill People

I knew about the Dr. Phil thing, but all the promos make it look like House in trials instead of in medicine. Look! He says inappropriate things! He’s a genius! He’s mean! He’s charming in an asshole way!

litre_cola

Is it about Bull Shannon starring Richard Moll?

blackroseMD1

I would watch the hell out of that.

Shogun Marcus

Detroit still hasn’t learned to cover last-effort passes.

litre_cola

Andre Johnson is still alive.

Sill Bimmons

LOINS TRIPLE COVERAGE

Sill Bimmons

y u no post?

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Gratliff

Oh, Detroit.

nippopotamus

Victor Cruz is treating me like I treated my ex. He lets me down a lot, but every now and then does something that makes me think he cares.

Senor Weaselo

I like how the Factory hasn’t scored since the PAT return. That’s pretty Brownsy.

Lothar of the Hill People

Of all the Cleveland Browns teams, this one is the Cleveland Brownsiest.

Spur

Cowboys need to run out the clock? Throw it to Terrance Williams.

Sharkbait

Damnit Stephen. BAD. BAD.

Recovery Whiskey

Cee-Lo on the Anthem in LA

Sill Bimmons

Cruz. Wow.

Gratliff

Oh my god. Fuck DeMarco Murray. Beat on Philly as a Cowboy, sucked ass an Eagle, and now single-handedly burying my fantasy team.

litre_cola

I hate him, the asshat.

JustStopDude
Doktor Zymm

I should go into sports hypnosis.
Look deep into my eyes….
You are getting accurate….very, very, accurate

Old School Zero

The Alex Smithening of the league has begun.

Glorious Chairman Dan

Goddamnit Kirk failing us again motherfucker

Spur

My heart can’t take this anymore.. C’mon Dallas D, just one fucking time. STOP THEM!

King Hippo

Lions, saved by BLEERGH??

Doktor Zymm

I totally missed out on the opportunity to throw water balloons at people in line for the new iPhone.

Lothar of the Hill People

When I think of “ball security” I’m DEFINITELY not thinking “Ben Roethlisberger”

Lothar of the Hill People

Wait. Down by 8 with 3:30 left, and you’re not onside kicking?

Wow. I’m interested in Marvin’s strategy here.

Lothar of the Hill People

My bad. Looks like Pittsburgh’s clock management and offense was less competent than Marvin Lewis.

Senor Weaselo

Waiting for a gig to start. How many QBs must the P*ts lose, be successful, and change the narrative that it was all Grumblelord?

Also there’s a kid wearing a Ravens Play 60 shirt. This is a wedding, kid. Go get changed.

LemonJello

So it’s one of them fancy weddings, then?

litre_cola

I have noticed we are lacking in the “dick jokes” today. Although it is still early and the booze has yet to settle in.

Sharkbait

I just got home from work. I’m trying to catch up and contribute.

litre_cola

Where in Oz are you Sharky?

Sill Bimmons

Actual dick jokes are pretty uncommon here.

They’re like Boba Fett: All the rep but only 2 1/2 minutes of screen time.

Lothar of the Hill People

Plus, they both wear helmets and talk with Australian accents.

ThePirateSloth

/fixes nerd glasses

Actually, the actor was from New Zealand

/goes back to basement

Redshirt

Sorry, Litre. We’ll try harder to get our hand on things.

blaxabbath

Someone has ripped on Survivor: Gen X vs Millennials already, yes?

Senor Weaselo

I believe the technical term is “monsoon.”

King Hippo

is Pam Oliver saying Cousins is concussed, or just a goddamned moron?

litre_cola

A little of column A and a little of column B

Lothar of the Hill People

These things aren’t mutually exclusive.

IronAvenger6491

Alfred Morris is a Cowboy now!?!?!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Bawitdeba

Redshirt

“Touchdown”? What the hell is a “touchdown”?

Sill Bimmons

At least it was a GIODOWN