Your “We’re Done Here, Back To You ‘Murika” Second Round OF NFL Games Open Thread

So glad all that rainy, drizzly weather that is so conducive to badly-played football is behind us now that we’re back across the pond! What’s that you say? Washington and Chicago are overcast? SHUT UP!!! It’s a different kind of weather for one thing. And another thing, SHUT UP!!! TO THE GAMES!

Ten/Hou-Not sure if you heard, the Houston JJ Watts are without their premier self-aggrandizer today, tomorrow and more than a few days after that as well. Lb Cushing and safety Demps are listed as questionable though I don’t think it’ll matter much against a Titans team that has no discernible identity. Maybe rb Miller chooses this game to break out.

Cle/Was-Rook qb Kessler has a tendency to throw to the right side of the field. 1.) He threw to the left side only 3 times last week 2.) Josh Norman plays the right side if I’m not mistaken. Another reason to turn left? Cb Breeland is out and safety Hall is gone for the year. Hopefully the rook figures these things out otherwise Norman will feast. Wondering how the Browns will use wr/wild-catter Pryor is about as interested as I’ll ever be about anything Cleveland.

Sea/NYJ-Seattle finally got some points on the board last week, putting up 37 vs. San Fran. The Jets did a great job imitating the Seahawks recent O struggles by posting a mere 3 points against KC. Can qb Fitzpatrick Harvard his way back from a six pick performance? If cb Sherman doesn’t get a pick against him I’ll have lost face in all loudmouth cornerbacks forever. It looks like Wilson is ready to go but Graham is a bit iffy. With wr Decker out take a look at Quincy Enunwa-he’s come out of nowhere (Nebraska, close enough) and been remarkably effective when on the field.

Buf/NE-Yet another thrashing of the Bills by the Pats. Will they do it through the air? Will I care? Will they do it on the ground? If watching, will I frown? Maybe they’ll do it by special teams-do you sense a theme? So many uninteresting questions… However it goes down, old Rexy will say it was his fault and that he was out-coached yet again.

Car/Atl-I started Tevin Coleman last week. I just want to get that out of the way. Due in part to their ‘splosion last week the Falcons O is #1 in the league in scoring which comes in mighty handy when the D is giving up an average of 30.3 points per game. Beware Atlanta, following the Saints model will not earn you much success. Their secondary seems okay but they can’t stop the run, cover the TE and pressure the QB. (three sacks total) With Julio not being dominant/having a nagging injury I thought for sure that Sanu would pick up numbers-wise but that hasn’t been the case. 1-2 Carolina desperately needs this game and I’d bet they get it.

Oak/Bal-I’m sure there are more surprising things going on in the world right now but the Ravens being undefeated after three weeks has got to be in the top 5 at the very least. All I know is that they’re not going to shut down a young and frisky Raiders O that has been busy sowing its oats or fondling its humbleberries or however the saying goes. Ravens cb’s Wright and Smith better be shot-gunning Red Bull on the sidelines all game long because they’ll be busy. Silly Factoid Time-The Ravens haven’t won a game by double digits since week 10 of the 2014 season.

Det/Chi-NFC North Snoozefest Alert! Despite what your gut tells you, the Lions have won six straight vs. dem Bears. Wr Jones is listed as questionable but is expected to play as is rook rb Howard because Langford is down. Wr Jeffrey is troubled by both knee and hamstring issues-with that and Hoyer throwing him the ball it may be best to look elsewhere. How about to Kevin White? He was targeted 14 times last week and the only drawback is that Hoyer is throwing the ball to him.

There’s your lowdown. Before you start commenting, for God sake, DO YOUR STRETCHES!

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
379 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Redshirt

I still haven’t forgiven Mike Shanahan and the [*Redacted] s for ruining RG3’s career. Everyone watching knew he didn’t belong on the field in that Playoff Game where he knee got murderdeathkilled.

blaxabbath

There’s a reason he’s not in the NFL Ticket Exchange commercial undercover in Pleasant Hill.

Doktor Zymm

That game was painful to watch in so many ways. I don’t 100% blame Shanny, I suspect he was under a lot of “win now” pressure from the Danny Shitowner. He still should have pulled him though, and he shouldn’t have come back for the first couple games of the next season.

King Hippo

also blame the cheap assdick who refuses to upgrade the painted asphalt “turf”

ballsofsteelandfury

I just saw that preview for that Birth of a Nation movie and I saw it said Nat Turner Lives and I thought I’d check the blog to make sure it was a dream.

ThePirateSloth

I had the same exact reaction.

blaxabbath

I don’t understand Rocket Mortgage. Why would I want to make financing for the biggest purchase of my life in seconds on an app without discussing details with anyone?

Senor Weaselo

Because the year is 2007?

Doktor Zymm

I mean, getting all the paperwork together for my non-sketchy mortgage was a pain in the butt.

blaxabbath

I remember like a tax statement, had to download my bank statements, and like write a brief explanation of why Sprint sent me to collections (which turned into a vulgar four page attack on Sprint’s board of directors and their families).

Dealing with the fucking VA stuff was the worst. I’d have just as happily supported ISIS if they’d have covered my mortgage insurance costs without all that headache.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Zymm is just kicking my ass right now in our standard league. Her TE and kicker have put up 40 on me and her TE has another half and Cleveland shows no signs of ever actually covering him.

The Maestro

Gentlemen. (And ladies.)

Just got home. How goes things on this cloudy grey day?

Doktor Zymm

S’aight

blaxabbath

I don’t know why I was so surprised to see how many Raiders fans were in attendance at Oakland-East.

King Hippo

like a methamphetamine exchange program

theeWeeBabySeamus

I think I should probably resent that comment.

King Hippo

fight for old DIXIE

/smgdh

Senor Weaselo

You guys, the Panthers might be in a bit of trouble.

King Hippo

somebody wanna check on DonT?

/maybe sneak him a ciggy or twelve

Gratliff

Is Deandre Hopkins dead or is he getting quadruple teamed?

Horatio Cornblower

I also have this question. I suspect it’s more that the QB sucks and/or he’s in mourning for JJ Watt.

Doktor Zymm

I like how the Browns have decided not to cover Jordan Reed at all. Seems like a sound strategy.

The Jets secondary doesn’t exist apparently.

ThePirateSloth

“Wilson has a personal movement specialist that lives with him…”

Is that really how they refer to Ciara these days?

King Hippo

see, I always knew Black Tahhhhmy was a saboteur. NAWT FAYUHHHH

Horatio Cornblower

Russell Wilson rehabs better because Jesusbubbles and abstinence.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Pats Fumbre!

Doktor Zymm

This whole thing where the Browns keep games close, or almost stage amazing comebacks…it’s just part of a new production strategy at the Factory, right? Sadness is much higher quality when it’s preceded by hope. Without hope you get Bills fans, and they actually seem like they have a lot of fun.

Shogun Marcus

One must continuously innovate in order to dominate market share vis a vis advancements in depression technologies combined with false hope branding initiatives to maintain new demographic entry streams.

Redshirt

As a Bengals, Reds, Buckeyes and Bearcats fan and as a Ohioan and Republican in general, I can vouch for the potency of Hope Flavored Failure.

Gratliff

Skins gon’ Skin vs. Browns gon’ Brown: WHO YA GOT!?

Glorious Chairman Dan

The Browns, because I root for the Skins and therefore they must fail.

Shogun Marcus

The long, slow, spiral to our inevitable, unmourned passing from this plane of existence.

Redshirt

When in doubt, root for the tie.

Doktor Zymm

Looks like Su’a Cravens is working out so far, good stuff

herodotus450

File Photo:
comment image

Glorious Chairman Dan

Kirk Cousins is, was, and always will be who we thought he was.

ThePirateSloth

Ah yes, when ever I think of either the Seahawks or the Jets, I immediately think Snoop Dogg.

Senor Weaselo

I would have gone with that for Seahawks-Donks.

Redshirt

BREAKING NEWS

Labor negotiations at the Factory not going well. Rumors of a worker strike or slowdown persist.

Senor Weaselo

3rd and 28? ALMOST BLITZ!

Doktor Zymm

“The FITT program, using acronyms to teach kids improper spelling since 2015!”

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Col. Duke LaCross

“There’s an art to pulling the headset mic down to spit…”

Daryl Johnston

JustStopDude

comment image

Browns TD…

DontHair

Also Robert Paulson, Bears TE, looks like a mulleted Wooderson.

theeWeeBabySeamus

His name was Robert Paulson.
Oh come on….nobody?
Fuck you, that was funny.

DontHair

Where are his bitch tits?

theeWeeBabySeamus

THANK YOU!!!!!!

Doktor Zymm

My last minute decision to sub in Pryor for Will Fuller is paying the opposite of dividends. Crap, I think it’s called.

Doktor Zymm

I think I would like the Browns uni pants better if they took the super-tacky approach and wrote “Browns” across the butt, like on those horrible VS sweatpants.
http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-thing?.out=jpg&size=l&tid=24003496

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yay, FG. No really Flacco. It’s OK. You can’t help that you suck ass.

DontHair

I’ve got a buddy who has already labeled Kevin White a bust and has called for Ryan Pace to be fired. I totally get the frustration it’s been a rough decade to be a Bears fan but goddamn brother hit the breaks. Don’t label White a bust when they don’t even include him in the game plans.

...

I go back and forth between which Chicago fanbase (Bears or Cubs) is more meatbally, dimwitted, and reactionary.

DontHair

Bears. The Cubs have a large enough sample size to always be negative. Bears fans are fucking awful. We are just awful =(. But I would like to see Frodo Loggains acknowledge he has a first round receiver to throw to that ran a 4.35 at the combine.

John Difool

Kerrigans absence being felt hard already.

King Hippo

Guess who started Spiller in Insanity?

/still getting murderkilled

theeWeeBabySeamus

So much for that whole “won’t have to sweat Sunday” idea, huh?

Doktor Zymm

I don’t like the newer version of the Chambord packaging.

Doktor Zymm

Fuuuuuck. That looks like it might be a break….it’s never good when a guy is using one arm to hold his other arm up.

Doktor Zymm

Okay, not as bad as I thought, maybe just an elbow sprain

...

!!!!

@onlxn has introduced Dr. Drew as a character in his Trump saga. So good. I’m so happy people are embracing him as the unethical narcissist that he is. (Even if this ruins the plans for one of my Sex Cannon Loveline bits.)

Col. Duke LaCross

His quick descent into right-wing assholery almost makes me as sad as watching the same thing happen to Carolla. Classic Loveline and the 2006 ACS morning show were as entertaining as radio ever got. Only rivaled by Stern and Phil Hendrie.

...

A black president really caused a lot of people to lose their minds.

(They were both always right-wingers, but less obnoxiously so.)

Horatio Cornblower

seems natural that guys like Pinsky and Oz would back Trump. Anything that removes regulations is going to improve their bottom lines.

Carolla is just an asshole.

King Hippo

that bra looks uncomfortable. Let me help you out PLEAZ

theeWeeBabySeamus

Devin Hester finally does a good. Earning that scrilla.
/rolleyes

DontHair

Holy shit the Bears pass rush made an appearance.

Col. Duke LaCross

“Need more sacks!”
~Aaron Rodgers

King Hippo

do you ever take out your phone, then forgot what the fuck you were gonna do with it? Forget who, can’t even remember if it involved a text, e-mail, or calendaring (FUCK calling ppl).

Doktor Zymm

There’s a Millennials vs Gen X Survivor? Yeesh, no wonder Trump is a semi-viable presidential candidate….

Redshirt

Lethal Weapon too?! What’s next? A dark live-action remake of Captain Planet?

Senor Weaselo

Only if Don Cheadle does it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwJaELXadKo

blaxabbath

Mahfuckin’ Raider Nation!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fat punter TD save in B’more.
Oh Raiders…bask in the shame.

theeWeeBabySeamus

And a quick TD strike to follow. I will now shut up.
Where’s RTD when I need to call him names dammit???????

Horatio Cornblower

Just realized I left Ryan Fitzpatrick in at QB in the Insanity League. Guess we’ll find out if he can beat last week’s -9.

King Hippo

BLEERGH loves this BUF/NE tilt

Horatio Cornblower

Richie Incognito is a High Priest to Bleergh.

Doktor Zymm

Is this gonna be one of those Skins games that’s a throwback to about 5 seasons ago, where they have something stupid, like a 5 score lead going into the half, and then somehow manage to lose by playing the worst second half of football imaginable?

Doktor Zymm

Or can that not happen against the Browns?

John Difool

It can always happen against the Skins even if it’s the Browns