Today has the makings of a memorable day, doesn’t it? So much going on! [sounds of enthusiastic slurping can be heard in background] NFL meal-ticket and Orange Wonder-supporter, Tahmmy Boy returns under center, baseball playoffs throughout the day and a debate of some sort later on this evening. [slurping sound grows louder] Do you hear that? God, that’s distracting! Where was I? Right, get all your little errands and chores out of the way early folks because there’s plenty… [slurping reaches 140 decibels] I can hardly think. Where is that sound coming from? OH MY GOD! IT’S COMING FROM INSIDE THE TV! Help…me… To…The…Games… [collapses]
NE/Cle-TOM BRADY IS BACK!!! If you’re not a fan of vivisection you may want to catch another game. Although te Gronk, wr Edelman and rb Blount are all ouch-infested, it won’t matter much against a bunch of Brownies. Time for a sneaky good game from wr Hogan? You could do worse.
Phi/Det-Te Ertz is finally back from a rib booboo and you should throw him in there if you have him. The Lions rank dead last in defending that position. Rook qb Wentz is throwing at a 65% clip and has yet to turn the ball over. I expect that’ll change today but not because Detroit is sound defensively-it’s just that confident rooks tend to try to do things that they shouldn’t. It’s nice being right every once in a while. I wrote somewhere else that wr Tate would struggle with the wr1 mantle after Megatron goes back to his home planet. Tate has amassed all of 95 yards in a particularly pass-happy O so far this year. Look for him to bounce back as D’s turn their attention to the team’s real threat, Marvin Jones Jr.
Chi/Ind-Two 1-3 teams battle for not-supremacy of anything. The Colts give up an average of 31 points a game while the Bears are struggling to the tune of 16 per. Luck and Co. should easily get into the mid-thirties while Hoyer should be able to put up 3 scores against Indy’s travesty of a D. I’ll go 36-21 for the blue unis here.
Ten/Mia-Another battle of 1-3 ‘teams’. Starting qb’s Tanny and Mariota have both thrown 5 picks each so the one that protects the ball better should come out the winner. The Titans own the #4 rushing O in the league and little else. Their leading wr, Rishard Matthews has a whopping 180 yards on only 12 recepts. That’s only 3 per game-man, that’s bad! On the other side wr Landry continues to be the Fins lone offensive weapon. He’s got 375 yds and 1 TD.
Was/Bal-Cousins could have the time of his life if he throws on cb Wright for the majority of the game. Of the seven TD’s allowed by the Ravens, six have been directed at Wright. Rb West looks to build on his 113 yd, 1 TD performance last week even though fellow rb Dixon will be eased back into the lineup. Someone, anyone, performing well on the Baltimore O would take some heat off OC Trestman.
Hou/Min-This looks to be the fixture of this time slot though how each of the O’s is going to put points on the board is a mystery to me. Minny is now down wr Diggs who is out with groin problems. Perhaps it’s time for wr Patterson to finally show up? The smart money says an emphatic, “NO!”. Houston has the #1 ranked pass D anyway. I’d venture that the D that generates the most turnovers squeaks out the W.
NYJ/Pit-BUMBLEBEE UNIFORMS! Apparently they’re being thrown in a dumpster after this game because orphans in Haiti were quoted as saying, “Nah, you can keep them”. Speaking of not looking good-The Jetskis! Thanks to his recent struggles, qb FitzHarvard is trending towards a 16 TD, 40 Intercept season. One for the record books! Sure-handed wr Enunwa has made the most of his opportunity with Decker being on the sidelines-he’s 10th in the league with a 72% catch rate. Qb Big Ben (who the hell has time to make sure his last name is spelled properly? Not me) shares the league lead with 11 TD’s tossed, 4 of which have gone to wr Brown who shares the league lead in that category. I think the Steelers romp in this one.
Now that’s done. TYPE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER TYPED BEFORE!
Jeebus, somebody check on BOLTMAN!
Shocking news: Brian Hoyer is not the messiah
In other news: water still wet.
But he’s a very naughty quarterback?
The Chairman smiles upon the revolutionary vigor of the [*Redacted] s defense! The reactionary Ravens cannot defeat the inexorable might of the dialectic!
In today’s “RGIAND” news they told Antonio Brown to change his Ali cleats or he’d be ejected.
So, if space aliens started coming to the US to perform menial jobs, would Trump build a giant dome over the whole country?
What if they were… sexy aliens?
Well, at least no takes pictures of me reading on the bus.
http://vintagesleaze.com/vsimagesbooks-adult-llp/255-1.jpg
grumble grumble hey can i borrow that grumble grumble
Did the [*Redacted] s just win this game.or did the Ravens just lose it?
Yes
Who the hell knows. Football is weird.
And the Bears lose, to the afternoon thread
Is playing QB for the Browns indicative of a death wish?
It’s a cry for help.
I think nihilism is a prerequisite
I imagine it akin to campaign manager for Trump.
WHY EAGLES WHY
ON TEH ROAD TO MISERY
So this means we get a break from the Wentz suckoff pieces, right?
The Cornhunter goes back behind the rows…for now.
“NO! I not interested in hearing about jesus right now!
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http://barry-williams.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/toilet-fail.jpg.scaled500.jpg
“There’s nothing in Leviticus about exorcising a gerbil, Adolf. Keep squeezing while I check out Psalms.”
And THERE it is. Foreboding totally justified.
I would rather be Kellyanne Conway than watch Undisputed with Skip and Shannon
WELP
http://66.media.tumblr.com/de701a4ac94b997562c4b7f84f5bded4/tumblr_n2rtqnrLQR1ssqxwho1_500.gif
I just saw Geno Smith. I forgot he existed.
http://duclarion.com/wp-content/uploads/hot-dudes-reading-750×410.jpeg
Might not be for long.
Can he really be THAT much worse than Lumberjack Boy?
Yes. Still yes.
Football is the largest source of foreboding in my life
This song works for every occasion.
What about the zombies?
So…P*ts, Stillers, Vikes.
Am I missing anybody?
/checks fb
“…if it can’t be the cowboys, then I want the p*ts.”
//checks out of fb, looks for high towers.
I can’t smgdh enough without causing paralysis.
SMGDMFHROTFLMMFAO
This is gonna be great when they score a touchdown and Conor Fucking Barth yakks the extra point.
Are the Lions going to win this or what?
Hoyer needs to play like my sex life and master this two minute drill.
Browns are down to their 3rd QB
That’s like the 78th QB to a real franchise.
?w=610
I thought you were exaggerating about the ‘hot guy on train reading’ photos prevalence.
http://images.tvnz.co.nz/tvnz_images/world_news/2015/02/hot_dude___instagram_E1.jpg
Fuck me. They should have let him score.
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view2/4295234/chris-isaak-wicked-game-o.gif
Why did they even make phones without nipples?
http://66.media.tumblr.com/a84141f4b52532ce81a7e028358deced/tumblr_oe52wrcyib1rojphdo1_500.jpg
Gotta keep it classy.
http://m0.i.pbase.com/g3/68/157768/2/35136260.cfOhgRES.jpg
If elected Prez, Trump will replace the phone in the Oval Office with one of those.
“Superbly sculptured by a European artist”
“From the finest available Bakelite!”
If you have two, does that make one of them your “conversation sidepiece”?
ELITE scramble for a 1st down.
Damn it. Just realized that Eagle in the grill photo would be perfect for this game if the car is a Ford.
Coatesdown part deux.
Reidian timeout by Bowles there.
Kirk Cousins has switched from underthrowing to overthrowing. This is an improvement, at least this probably won’t get his receivers as killed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zoICf55jED8
http://www.theloop.ca/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/alexander-skarsgard.jpg
I was actually happy. ACTUALLY HAPPY. Fuck you NFL.