Your “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

NFL News:

  • Well, the Niners decided to go with Colin Kaepernick versus the Bills this Sunday. I guess a white guy can’t catch a break on a Chip Kelly team.
  • Clipboard Jesus has been released by the Browns. So much for him being better by Wednesday.
  • On the heels of losing the undefeated streak, the Eagles got the news today that Lane Johnson has had his 10-game suspension upheld. See you against Dallas in Week 17, LJ.
  • Gary Kubiak has been ruled out for coaching in San Diego this Thursday, proving Boltman does answer prayers, forcing the Chargers to come up with a valiant post-game excuse for this week’s inventive failure.
  • Marc Trestman is out in Baltimore, so why not bring in Marty Mornhinweg?
    • By the way, FUCK YOU ESPN! There’s only one type of “Marty Ball”, and that’s the kind with a head coach that fails to get to the Super Bowl with three separate teams.
  • JERRAL says Romo’s back is fine, and that he’s throwing & getting “into game shape”.
    • I’d put my money on November 6th versus Cleveland as the first time we see Tony Romo in the game-day lineup.
      • Some lunatics say October 30th versus the Eagles, but that would just guarantee another “Bounty Bowl”.

According to PFT, prime-time football got murdered in the ratings again this week. The Sunday night game was down 22% versus last year, but that was due to the angry grandparents and their TV town hall, plus playoff baseball. Numbers were down everywhere but Wisconsin, which showed no negligible change. Worse was that the Monday Night game was down nearly 25% from the previous year, the drop no doubt aided by two 1-3 teams coming up against baseball playoffs. The rating of 6.5 adds up to just over 8.75 million viewers, or the lowest number for Week 5 of the season since ESPN acquired the rights in 2005.

Finally, Greg Hardy has given up on trying to sign with a NFL team and is looking to get into MMA. It won’t likely be the UFC, as Jay Glazer has apparently used whatever influence he has to scorch the earth on that path. Plus, after War Machine, I don’t think any reputable MMA organization wants to take a flier on a woman-beater. I hope he enjoys The Philippines.


Well, the Red Sox are out of the MLB playoffs. THANK GOD! We all know ‘those’ type of insufferable Red Sox fans – the ones whose knowledge goes all the way back to 2004, and think “Pudge” is Ivan Rodriguez. Hopefully, Big Papi’s retirement means most casual fans can return to casually rooting for the Patriots until Dreamboat retires. Hopefully Cubs fans will have a little more discretion, because who can they choose? The Bears? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!11!1!


Thanks to everyone who has contributed game-day experiences. Keep ’em coming. Learning what to enjoy and what to avoid gives life to any review.

 

I wish there was access to lasers in the stadium beer lines:

“Honey, do I want Bud Light?”

“What’s an ‘IPA’?”

DIE DIE ALL OF YOU DIE!!!
DIE DIE ALL OF YOU DIE!!!

 

On the topic of killing all one’s enemies and beer lines idiocy, it’s a tad long but worth your time: The Ringer has a long-form piece on the Hank Scorpio Simpsons episode, “You Only Move Twice”.

I, too, would like to be asked to kill someone on the way out. But, just one?


Tonight’s sports:

  • International Friendly Soccer: U.S. vs. New Zealand – 8:00 PM | ESPN
  • WNBA Finals: Game 2: Los Angeles at Minnesota – 8:00 PM | ESPN2
  • MLB Playoff: Cubs @ Giants – 8:30PM | FS1/Sportsnet

Hockey season starts tomorrow. GO CANU—ahh; I can’t even be bothered.

It’s gonna be a long season.

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Lothar of the Hill People

Wait, Kubes is taking a whole week off for a migraine? Uhh, that’s not good (said as a past migraine sufferer and once-upon-a-time paramedic).

Brick Meathook

CUBS WIN!!!!!

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

furp.

Mr. Ayo

So Greg Hardy wants to get into mma… I think we’ve found Cyborg’s next catch-weight fight.

yeah right

He’s gonna have to lose like crack weight then Cyborg has a chance.

I’m not ruling this out.

JerBear50

I don’t know, I’ll bet she walks around at 170 at least. And she’s fucking brutal.

JerBear50

Actually, never mind that. I just looked up his stats. I didn’t think he was that big of a guy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

So Greg Hardy wants to get into mma… I think we’ve found Cyborg’s next catch-weight fight.
/felt left out
//sorry not sorry

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
JerBear50

So Greg Hardy wants to get into mma… I think we’ve found Cyborg’s next catch-weight fight.

JerBear50

Apologies for the double post. Not sure why it did that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So Greg Hardy wants to get into mma… I think we’ve found Cyborg’s next catch-weight fight.

JerBear50

So Greg Hardy wants to get into mma… I think we’ve found Cyborg’s next catch-weight fight.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So Greg Hardy wants to get into mma… I think we’ve found Cyborg’s next catch-weight fight.

http://66.media.tumblr.com/75d5a563723ac9a4c5429c39b195dcdd/tumblr_odktk5AL9z1qgi5lao1_1280.png

theeWeeBabySeamus

Whomever it was who said last night that Katie Nolan had permission to sit on his face….
http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/cwclp.gif
/had forgotten how yummy she is

yeah right

Meanwhile on a non-descript balcony in El Segundo.

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not W, not M, but the symbol for the filter section in an air conditioning unit.

Brocky

Lobster man from Mars.

Holy shit there’s a movie I haven’t thought about in years

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
yeah right

I want to mention how tough the Giants were. That was a great series.
You boys fought valiantly.

But actually I want to address the media and your lack of narratives.

“Oh here come the Giants. Can’t be stopped in elimination games!”

Stop with the bullshit narratives and call the games organically. You missed out on an incredible news story because you were so focused on your bullshit narratives.

This was a great game, a great series. Hard fought. Massive respect to Bruce Bochy and the Giants but the media has to step in with their pre-issued, fast food, crap narrative that totally detracts from the game itself.

Now bring on the Dodgers so I can can see an NLCS game you fucking hosers!

WOOO!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Stop with the bullshit narratives and call the games organically. ”

You are kidding, right? This approach IS sports “reporting” now… shit it is “reporting” now.

http://67.media.tumblr.com/f0839508313447ca2d5816b02af67f91/tumblr_noxks2Hzdk1qaqx8xo1_500.gif

Brick Meathook

That was a nice car that monster just turned over. It would be worth a few today if he had kept his emotions in check and not flipped it like a toy.

JerBear50

But you don’t understand… it’s an even year.

yeah right

NOT ANYMORE!

yeah right

Actually I was just trying to autosum in excel.

WOOO!
AUTOSUM!!!

Brick Meathook

Is that a sign that you are being held hostage?

I’m in Playa, I can be there quick if you need me.

I don’t own any firearms but I can put my hand in my jacket pocket and fake it pretty good.

Let me know if you need me.

yeah right

I’m running low on beers.

I’m sending up a flair right now.

Help me Brick Meathook! You’re my only chance!

yeah right
yeah right
Senor Weaselo
ALXMAC

Northern Exposure? Twin Peaks??

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Do you think there has ever been a presidential candidate that will get more “none of the above” votes than Gary Johnson?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

More “fuck you all” votes.

JerBear50

I don’t think he’ll get to Perot numbers.

Unsurprised

I just hope he fucking dies

theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s great insight, Pete. Now feel free to shove that stupid bow tie directly up your ass.

Seriously Fox. ARod and Pete Rose at the same desk? Really??

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“Hey Alex, can you sign these 4,000 baseballs?”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Hey can you unload these 4,000 balls?”

-Vivid producer

JerBear50

Even for a network that spotlights Joe Buck every week, that’s an awful lot of smug at one time.

Brocky

He he he

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Hi, this is my baseball hat:

5 pitchers to throw 24 pitches. You had your best fucking reliever on the mound to start the ninth with a 3-run lead. Then you bring in a dude in Javier Lopez who walks as many as he strikes out and has worse numbers against lefties than the righty he replaced.

Son, you overmanage. you get what you deserve.

...

The incredible part is this is exactly the mistake Joe made the night before. He tried to get cute with matchups and ended up going to his closer too late when runners were on and then everything went to shit.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I can somewhat defend that because I like the idea of using your best reliever in the highest leverage situation.

Though if he started the inning with Chapman, that would have been cool.

yeah right

Precisely!

yeah right

Motherfucker deserved to get got!

Unsurprised

We speak winning in this country! Whose man are you? You see this election? I’m going to teach you to win with this fucking election!

Disloyal R's are far more difficult than Crooked Hillary. They come at you from all sides. They don’t know how to win – I will teach them!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 11, 2016

Unsurprised

We speak winning win in this country!

Senor Weaselo

I thought we spoke American.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji2UoU0rUX0

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

That cunt is making me vote libertarian.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Oh my, I need to lay off the poppers!

Sorry ladies.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I doubt too many women are going to object to you calling Trump a cunt.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

That word is like the atom bomb for me: feels necessary when used, then deep regret for a while afterward haha

JerBear50

I feel that way about a great deal of the women I’ve been with.

Brocky

I still refuse to get excited.

Like I still think the cubs are going to screw up the divisional series.

Like arietta is gonna have a freak accident with the ice machine or something

...

Oddly, I can see Arrieta trying to bench press an ice machine for shit and giggles.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I still grieve the O’s letting him get away.
smgdh.

...

From what I’ve read, he never would have succeeded there due to the O’s pitching philosophy (no cutters ever) and the he only became good when the Cubs told him to do what he wanted to do.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh definitely. He was in a dead end situation in B’more. Getting dealt was the best thing that ever happened to him. But you could see what he could be even when he was being held back.

JerBear50

Better than fighting the gatorade machine and his catcher.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Well Ken, I just want to help the team.
Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.
And sometimes….it rains.

Thanks Nuke. Back to you in the booth, shitmonkeys.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Still hopeful for Nats/Indians.

...

Once my rage at the idea of a non-Cubs World Series subsided, I concluded this would in fact be a fun World Series to watch.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m just screwing around. Now that O’s fucked up and Boston got swept out, my only other real concern is that the city of Toronto burns….errr I mean that the Jays don’t make it. Anything else I’m good with.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

GO CUBS GO

...
JerBear50

They’ve managed to beat 29-1 odds every goddamn year for a century so I guess they were due.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Even with the first two batters on, Giants win probability was 86%

Senor Weaselo

So congratulations to whoever wins on Thursday for winning the National League pennant.

...

You… son of a…

Senor Weaselo

Rule of 86 isn’t there yet, sorry. Numbers don’t lie.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Woooooo! Night pigfuckers.

ALXMAC

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Brick Meathook

I LOVE SEEING BAY AREA PAIN

Sill Bimmons

haha madbum fuck you

...

Two narratives dead by the Small Bears’ little paws!

That’s why you all need to root for them. We are the destroyer of narratives!

theeWeeBabySeamus

108 years and a billy goat say different…but OK, whatever.
😉

...

THE GREATEST OF NARRATIVES IS YET TO BE SLAIN

Fronkenshteen

Ok to have that line on my tombstone?

...

I am rocking back and forth like a traumatized child.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

His name is Leo Mazzone

theeWeeBabySeamus

A name I hoped to never hear again.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Bay Area suicide hotline just activated additional lines.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

103, holy balls

Senor Weaselo

So what you’re saying is “Aroldis Chapman throws fast”?

Senor Weaselo

Which made me think of this.
https://what-if.xkcd.com/44/

But he doesn’t throw this fast.
https://what-if.xkcd.com/1/

Sill Bimmons

If you’re running a K&N filter you’d better use premium detergent gasoline because they let a lot more particulates into the combustion chambers.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Shhhhhhh, don’t think negative thinks

...

Alright you woman manhandling piece of shit finish this off and I won’t hate you so much.

ALXMAC

Nevermind this “baseball” game; I remembered my login to wordpress!!

http://oi56.tinypic.com/2f0anv8.jpg

Brick Meathook

THAT’S GOOD HUSTLE

Brick Meathook

We still got the bottom of the ninth folks

JerBear50

Did that motherfucker just call it a “temporary lead?”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Come on, Chapman, don’t fuck this up

Sill Bimmons

CHAOS

Fronkenshteen

Can you believe this motherfucking shit?
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Sill Bimmons

ITS MUTHAFUCKIN RIDICULOUS GUS

Brick Meathook

OH MY

JerBear50

GODDAMN!!@!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Mixed emotions mode…engaged.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hopefully Jon Miller is crying right now.
/knows none of you know who he is probably

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fuck that old Ben Franklin without glasses looking motherfucker

theeWeeBabySeamus

I knew I liked you for more than cat fucking.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

HOLY TITMONKEY!

Senor Weaselo

Five. FIVE pitchers in the inning. Will there be more?

...

BRING IN SAMARDZIJA I WANT A MASSACRE.

Brocky

PESSIMISM INTENSIFIES!

Unsurprised
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’d smurf her smurf for a full smurfing 30 seconds

...

It’s time to kill. GO FOR THE FUCKING KILL.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Shit dude, you sound like me in everyday life.
/worried for you

Brick Meathook

WELL THIS JUST GOT INTERESTING

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Woooooo

Brocky

Never before have I been so adamant about refusing to get my hopes up