Your “Not Tonight Denver, I’ve Got A Headache” Thursday Night NFL Open Thread

The internets are telling me that NFL viewership is down. How much? Enough to worry some wonks, that’s how much. My solution to this problem of team owners only making hundreds of millions instead of billions involves razor blades and butterflies. Now hear me out!-it goes like this. Uh…umm… Okay I’ll be honest, this is a sort of reverse-engineering thingy whereby I come up with an answer and then try to figure out a way that makes sense of that answer. The reverse-engineering analogy is weak but none of you outside JustStopDude could give a damn. TO THE GAME!

Den/SD-The Broncs are down their HC so it’s “Next Coach Up!” The fella that isn’t being held back by The Migraine Protocol is one Joe DeCamillis. He’s the Special Teams Coordinator that smirks at Wade Phillips every time they pass in the hallway and says, “I wonder why they didn’t make YOU the head guy tonight!” Speaking of coaching changes, it’s a bad sign when you come across more than one article that itemises who the interim coach of the Chargers will be come Monday. I’m guessing it won’t be the personification of failure that is the Chargers DC. Them Bolts give up 28 points and nearly 300 yds. passing on a weekly basis. That’s added up to 17 TDs so far. I guess it’s up to de Bosa to stop the 10 game-strong division losing streak that the other teams out west AFC-wise currently enjoy. In limited play last week he put together 2 sacks and 5 tackles. As far as quick starts by de’s are concerned, he’s got nothing on the Bronc’s Von Miller. The best defensive end in football (suck it, JJ Watts) has 6.5 sacks and will no doubt add to his total ce soir. It looks like Trevor Siemian backers are strutting around after qb Lynch’s play last week. That QBR of 11.7 last week against the Falcons speaks volumes about where he is in his development.

They say that the sincerest form of flattery is typing-SO TYPE!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I wonder what the replacement coach said to these Broncos in the locker room at halftime. Probably talked about pussy a lot, I’d guess.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“This week, on Dateline: the third down play that CBS didn’t WANT you to see.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So…everyone else’s TV just cut away from that key third down to show a CBS promo, right?

blackroseMD1

Yerp.

blackroseMD1

Apparently CBS didn’t want anyone to see that 3rd down play.

Shogun Marcus

Cbs just had a stroke in tribute.

...

So after tinkering with a map, I found one that’s plausible where Utah’s Evan McMullin crush could actually create a deadlock. I had to flip every state in which Hillary had a 85% or less chance of winning and one of the 85-90% states.

http://www.270towin.com/maps/r74dd

For this to happen, you have to believe polling on who is a likely voter has been *way* off.

It would have been nice if 538 article actually included the data to support this (or to acknowledge they’ve kicked around this same idea with Gary Johnson winning New Mexico) but whatever.

...

Oh, and the large issue with this situation is it assumes people will NOT reject Trump en masse in most states except Utah which would do the EXACT opposite. Methinks this is very, very unlikely.

King Hippo

The Trevor Siemian who is “Big Lots version of Alex Smith” is back.

Senor Weaselo
Trevor Semen

I assume he typed that tweet with one hand?

King Hippo

Parks looks pretty good at safety.

That’s all I have good to say about tonight.

WCS

So, 17-16 Donks final?

King Hippo

Thinkin’ MOAR 3-22, but your version sounds better

Shogun Marcus

The old-style unis are making the donks revert to ’80’s level ineptitude.

Shogun Marcus

Yet the bolts can only make minimal use of it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s like watching Superbowl XXI.

Senor Weaselo

Giving him the business, DRINK.

Mr. Ayo

Who let the doggy on set?

King Hippo

Song Redux:

Jor-dan Tay-lor Eat My Ass!

Spanky Datass

Why-you -run-like-you-are-scared?

Spanky Datass

Right-back-to-the-prac-tice-squaaaad.

Trevor Semen

He ran backward, then fumbled. I think he’s showing flashes of DeSean Jackson.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Next thing you know he’ll be throwing up gang signs, no offence.

King Hippo

hey, a first down? No shit?

Trevor Semen

So I guess something happened that was 30 million to 1? I wasn’t paying attention.

Gratliff

Another season of hockey. Another season of watching Sean McIndoe and Bloge Salming interact on twitters without making anymore videos. Apparently, Waiver Wire has been ripped down from every site that hosted it and I’m having a sad.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xr9iwTFTsPA

WCS

Col. Duke LaCross

*Some winners may have their dick ripped off

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
...

I remember a day when 538.com was a good site and its editor didn’t write articles in which he said Kerry last Pennsylvania and the Evan McMullin could legitimately become president.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I actually thought the McMullin thing was genuinely interesting. I do agree that their model is WAY too generous towards wacky scenarios, though.

...

It’s interesting and useful for explaining how an electoral college deadlock is resolved, but it diverges quickly from looking at data to speculating pretty wildly that the G.O.P. would embrace an obscure candidate as a presidential option. 538 has been doing that sort of speculating *a lot* in this election cycle and I’ve started reading Sam Wang’s site more since it’s clearly not under pressure to generate clicks for ESPN.

Gratliff

What’s the math version of #UpForAnything?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Well Nate Silver doesn’t write most of the stuff. When it was at NYT coming out with 2-3 posts a week, I loved it.

...

It’s true, but a lot of what he has been writing is the very thing he railed again: punditry.

Plus, I find it really difficult to overlook the factual fuckup of forgetting who won PA in an article specifically talking about how PA has voted in recent presidential election.

I think fucking up the Trump prediction in the primary has gotten to him.

Col. Duke LaCross

As a Utah resident, the mormon dipshits around here are losing their minds over this McMullin dude. They don’t realize that the national race actually needs to be close for any of this shit to have a remote chance of happening.

They’re also acting like they won’t just automatically fall in line and vote “R” when they’re actually in the booth. It’s just what they do, they always fall in line. The denial around here is hilarious.

...

Interesting take. He seems like the perfect protest vote for them so it’ll be interesting to see if he nets enough votes to come in second or third.

Col. Duke LaCross

This is the only state in the Union that was still giving W. a high 80’s approval rating in the summer of ’08. They love suckling at the Republican teat here, no matter who is on the ticket.

Beerguyrob

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Fronkenshteen

The ol’ Phantom Tollbooth tackle!

Gratliff

Funny story: I Just had to buy it for my kid because he had a nuclear meltdown at school yesterday and ripped the school’s copy up before throwing a chair at the teacher.

Senor Weaselo

Officer Shrift thinks your son is guilty.

Gratliff

I mean, so do I

King Hippo

got any MOAR FUCKs, Moose??

ALXMAC

You axed.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Donald Trump just grabbed Hillary by the vagina! He ended up with a handful of lint.

ALXMAC

‘Get back to the laundry room, cunt’

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“Bleach your pubes, hon”

WCS

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Senor Weaselo
...

If the Nats win this game, I’m looking forward to priming the ol’ Dusty Baker hate pump because goddamn I hate me some Dusty Baker.

Sill Bimmons

Justin Williams: Still a fucktard.

King Hippo

uh….agreed

Trevor Semen

Yeah… we’re fucked if San Diego doesn’t San Diego the rest of the half

WCS

HOOOLLLLTTT

BBEEEEEEEEE

Senor Weaselo

Smoothies for all, hooray and/or huzzah.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Trevor Semen

Please no. Have you ever cut weight? It sucks. Even flushing the toilet makes you feel thirsty.

Sill Bimmons

GENOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

These uniforms are so campy even Anderson Cooper thinks they should stay in the closet!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

To be fair to Kubiak, I’d fake Lupus if it meant I could not have to see these shitty uniforms.

King Hippo

Siemian, think you can run around for 5 seconds?

Trevor Semen

Well, it usually only takes about 5 seconds for my siemian to run around.

Gratliff

Married…With Children ended 20 years too soon.
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WCS

King Hippo

small consolation – I am going against Demaryius in fantasy at least. VERY GODDAMNED SMALL

Redshirt

Broncos Fans and Broncos Team right now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_akwHYMdbsM

King Hippo

feels MOAR LIEK “those aren’t pillows!!” to this Donk. Perhaps Moose and snow disagree??

Redshirt

I don’t know, but I’m saving the Rental Car scene for when the Bengals killed by the Pats this Sunday.

Sill Bimmons

BLUE MOON OVER KENTUCKY KEEP ON SHININ

Unsurprised

What Gary Kubiak needs is a stroke cake for his anniversary. One side will be normal and the other side will be lopsided and runny.

Sill Bimmons

Whoever is in charge of the Amazon Echo account needs to be shot into the center of the sun.

King Hippo

Mandatory FOAR Kubes:

Unsurprised

Gary Kubiak is leaning more and more to the left these days.

King Hippo

SONG TIME!

Den-ver’s of-fense makes me sad!

jjfozz

Bosa’s Wikipedia entry mentions his great grandfather was a Mob boss in Chicago.

blackroseMD1

So he’s Joey Bats from now on?

jjfozz

Could be

Just riding my broken hobby horse about Italian Americans always being associated with the mob.

Shogun Marcus

Another example of how weak the mob has become. He couldn’t even negotiate a contract with the Chargers.