Holy Cats, Are City…Mortal? and Other Lesser Footy Matters

IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS, PEP! 1 point out of a possible 6? Drawing at home to fucking Everton (no ofence)?

But alas, here we are. Still in first, but only by a slender goal over Arsenal, with Spurs 1 point back in third. Almost seems like a real race, huh?

I would still note that City had like 80% possession last week, and only conceded the one clear chance that Romelu Lukaku converted (though that was part of the defensive/irritant plan) to send the Blues up 1-nil. And yeah, Everton keeper Maarten Stekelenburg (try spelling that crunk) was out of his mind, saving TWO pens, and that wasn’t even his best work of the day.

In short…it’s possible to get points off ANYBODY if you have a really good plan and a lot breaks your way, and Everton look to at least contend for a European place this season. But City fought like hell for 90 minutes, and never rolled over. This is still a remarkably good side, and my favourite to hoist the trophy in May, by a comfortable margin.

But it’s fun to pretend to have a race, at least.

Speaking of Spurs, they draw Saturday early duty (7:30, NBCSN) with a visit to cheeky Bournemouth. WAKE UP, yeah right!! The Cherries popped Hull 6-1 last weekend, so momentum is on their side! Arsenal/Boro headlines the 10:00 window (NBCSN), though I will watch Everton grind through a trip to Burnley on Extra Time. I am also having some new appliances delivered to my old house, and my window is unhappily 11:30-3:30. So…I may miss the end and be grumpier than usual. There is MOAR shite on Extra Time at 10, and the proper Shite against Brom at 12:30 on NBC. Watch JV NFL and quit encouraging the Klopp ball-fondling. It’s gross.

NBCSN has a high-quality Sunday Funday doubleheader, with City hosting resurgent, 8th place Saints at 8:30. Both teams should bring their A game for this one, and There Will Be Goals. Good viewing. The 11:00 window has Manure rolling into Stamford Bridge, with a Top 5 position almost surely belonging to the winner. Chelski assuaged some of my skepticism last week, as did Manure by holding the Shite to a scoreless draw. So…this is also a very interesting ficture, albeit between two unspeakably evil sides.

HEY!! Guess who’s here to shit all over the noon ABC window again?

NC State at Louisville (Noon, ABC)

For most of this, I will be likely watching the Sears dudes install a dishwasher and microwave that I will NEVAR FUCKING USE, whilst listening to a transistor radio that I bought for the hurricane. This, imaginary friends and frenemies, is my fucking life in a nutshell. The wolven sort will no doubt still insist on field goal attempts, and I will say very unpleasant words. Lamar! will try to get his Heisman/NFL/2020 Invisible Primary campaigns back on track.

Wisconsin at Iowa (Noon, ESPN)

So many fat white ppl. So little forward passing.

Colorado at Stanford (3:00, Pac 12)

I’ve noticed a trend in that the secondary/tertiary Pac 12 fixtures can get quite entertaining at times. Bookmark this little fucker in case The Big One below gets all shitshow-y.

Texas A&M at Alabama (3:30, CBS)

Team Bonfire Cult at Roll Damn Tide. These weirdos probably have some amazing parking lot staredowns on the way in, given the cult mentalities and the copious amounts of grain alcohol involved. I actually like Kevin Sumlin a lot, and think his team is very, very good. I do NOT rule out an upset here, or a game that is so close that the Aggies stay in playoff contention if they run the table afterwards. BUT…the game is in Tuscalossa, and one that Saban and his charges will take seriously, so one can’t rule out 35-0 in the 2nd quarter neither.

Arkansas at Auburn (6:00, ESPN)

ESPN has timed its programming to kick in early in case of Tuscaloosa shitshow. Can you tell? This is usually the time Pig Sooey decides to start fucking everyone else’s season up. Your turn in the barrel, Aubie.

Ole Miss at LSU (9:00, ESPN)

I’m not really sure what these teams are left playing for, but they don’t like one another and it’s late night in Death Valley. Sign me up.

Washington State at Arizona State (10:00, Pac 12)

Late night tweaker/insomniac games don’t get much SEXIER THAN THIS!! Danger, Coach Leach, a trap game awaits…

asu12

wazzu

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Fronkenshteen

What is Chapman throwing in the pen, a fucking shot put?

Bloody Lethal

Let’s get a couple more runs here on either side eh?

https://media.tenor.co/images/9134d91cb4614a7b00f90370f045de5f/raw

Fronkenshteen

You get it at 6 or 6.5?

Bloody Lethal

6.5!

Fronkenshteen
Fronkenshteen

Scottie Pippen: Champion, Hero, Migraine Sufferer, Singer…Shitfaced.

Brocky
Brocky

This was supposed to be a picture of scottie pippen, but let’s just roll with it

Fronkenshteen

/dies
//is druuunk

Sill Bimmons

I’ve come to accept that whenever I see an ad that completely baffles me from start to finish it’s for a video game.

Fronkenshteen

For me its financial ads. If I’m watching the Masters, the commercials make me feel like a moron.

Brocky

There’s a political joke in thete somewhere

Fronkenshteen

I think it’s me.

Brocky

Steve the douchebag white sox fan:

If the cubs were so good they would have won the series already. The indians took care of business when they needed to. The American League is the tougher league anyways. Cubs will get swept

Me: you’re arguing the difference of one game where the other league went a day early. Also, the strength of schedule argument is bullshit when you play 100 games. You’re cherry picking again.

Steve the douchebag white sox fan:

Whatever, I just know it’ll never be as great as the 2005 white sox.

Me: yes, the 2005 white sox: History’s most forgettable champions

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nicely done.

Sill Bimmons

White Sox fans–can’t even lose forever and be proper douchebags about it.

Bloody Lethal

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Brocky

Poor guy lost his wife today.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ve finally trained my cat to answer to “shitmonkey”.
Yes, I’m a little bit proud.

Brocky

I’m amazed you can get a cat to respond to anything at all

theeWeeBabySeamus

It’s hit or miss, quite honestly.
But now, when I say Shiiiitmooonkey (sing songy)…she comes running.

Brocky
Sill Bimmons
WCS

Oklahoma-Texas Tech: Defense Is For Losers

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This wedding has good food and good booze but no tvs for the Cubs game. Good thing kershaw sucked worse.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Good evening, fellow degenerates.

WCS

My Lord, what a touchdown catch for Texas Tech.

Sill Bimmons

Circular firing squads are SO the best kind.

http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/302315-breitbart-escalates-war-on-paul-ryan

“Both Clinton and Ryan view being American as an intellectual ‘idea’ rather than a national identity, and both support the donor-class’s agenda of open borders, which … amounts to doing away with the concept of a nation-state.

The divide between progressive globalism and nation-state conservatism perhaps helps to illuminate why Ryan has spent months both quietly and loudly undermining his own party’s nominee for president.”

They’re so cute when they’re frothing!

Fronkenshteen

Pummeling Kershaw like this is gonna drive the series price way down on the Indians.

Sill Bimmons

Significant events in human history since the last time Cleveland and Chicago met in a championship game/series.

c. 1.9 mya–the first Homo erectus migrations from the Olduvai Gorge

Everything else since then

Brocky

THAT CRAZY MEXICAN STOLE RIZZO JERB!!!

Fronkenshteen

4-0 cubes. Looks like a chi/cleve World Series

ballsofsteelandfury

It was a nice universe while it lasted.

ballsofsteelandfury

Whoop there it is?

Whoop there it is!

Bloody Lethal

How long until the Kershaw floodgates burst?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_sK8LL_on0

Brocky

Wait, the bit where you try to get the guy out because of his lead out actually works?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Col. Duke LaCross

FILMFILMFILMFILMFILM!

Sill Bimmons

I just had a deathbed memory prime strip.

Pretty sure the only time I’ve ever had better was in Japan.

http://www.brandtbeef.com/images/products/000nyy_671.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons

Holy FUCKBALLS it was good.

Sill Bimmons

This also seems like a good idea to evangelize my new pans.

All-Clad hard anodized. 8″ and 10″. Lifetime warranty. $60 for both.

http://images.crateandbarrel.com/is/image/Crate/AllCldHrdAndz2pcFryPn8in10SHF16/$web_product_hero$&/160627143025/all-clad-hard-anodized-fry-pans-set-of-two.jpg

Are they the best nonstick pans you can buy? No.

Are they the best value nonstick pans you can buy? Yes.

I IMPLORE you to get these pans if you need a good, cheap update.

The crust I just got on that strip was worthy of a Lodge cast iron.

Fronkenshteen

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Sill Bimmons

I never got that “aristocrat” line.

I just thought you ordered steak medium rare because that’s the best way to cook it.

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Fronkenshteen

I don’t get it either. I bet it was an ad-lib they kept in.

laserguru

You know an expression I despise?
Your heart of hearts.

Does this mean I also have an asshole of Assholes?

Bloody Lethal

If you get torn a new one?

Sill Bimmons

I hate any expression to do with “heart.”

Doing something by your “heart” just means you can’t be bothered to think about it.

blackroseMD1

Any of you guys happen to know where Arkanas is located?

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Sill Bimmons

rite next to kanas smh

JustStopDude

The Ohio State vs Pedophile State…

Jesus there are no good people to cheer for in this one…

JustStopDude

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JustStopDude

http://i.imgur.com/w7JT6XA.jpg

So…I guess this is the future for car boots…

JustStopDude
Fronkenshteen

Aw shit. Kevin Meaney died.
https://youtu.be/yN8KemQDZ7A

Sill Bimmons

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JustStopDude
Sill Bimmons

Thanks for showing up, Hogs!

WCS

Bloody Lethal

Did someone ask about more female rockers?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhYQbtNCAyU

Sill Bimmons

Nothing like that good old fashioned Christian love!

“Dear (redacted):

Thank you for your excelent (sic) service today – your (sic) a good waitress.

Here’s your tip:

The womans (sic) place is in the home. You’re (sic) place is in the home. It even says so in the Bible. You may think that your (sic) contributing to your household by coming into work, but your (sic) not. While your (sic) in here ‘working’ this is the reason your husband must see another women (sic) on his way home from a long day at his work. Because you should be takeing (sic) care of the household duties. You may think what you are doing ‘working’ is right, it is really essentially a disgrace to his manhood and to the American family. So instead of coming to your ‘job’ and looking for hand out’s (sic) to feed your family, hows about going home and cleaning your house and cooking a hot meal for your husband and children, the way you’re (sic) husband and God intended, and help make America great again. Praying for families and our nation.”

http://img.pandawhale.com/105353-Elsa-Frozen-Leonardo-Dicaprio-r6Aq.gif

Fronkenshteen

What is this? Did someone you know receive this?

Fronkenshteen
Sill Bimmons

Exactly. Even if you want to leave behind your little screed you still need to pay your server.

If you don’t want to tip DON’T EAT OUT

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Bloody Lethal
WCS

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woooooo

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Senor Weaselo
JustStopDude

This is the best shitty movie ever. Seriously its so fucking epic awesome. Its also, sadly, Raúl Juliá last film. He knew pretty much his time was limited so he picked a film to do that his kids would like as they were fans of the fighting game and he had it stipulated in his contract that his time off with his kids was maximized.

Its such a shitty, cheesy movie and Raul goes fucking full bore into it. No one else could deliver those silly lines.

Sill Bimmons

If the ATM guys could catch it would improve their chances significantly.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’d prefer not to think about the things you can catch when ATM is involved.

Bloody Lethal

They just kick these DBs out all willy nilly down in college.

jjfozz

You know what? Zootopia is a good movie. Especially after the 25th viewing with your 2 yr old.

Is it irresponsible to shroom around your kids?

Sill Bimmons
Senor Weaselo

And now, a description of how little Senor knows about college football (in between teaching and rehearsal):

“Wait, U*NC is ranked?”

This has been a description of how little Senor knows about college football.

Mr. Ayo

Woah, this is actually true. Weirdsville!