Your “How Low Can Your Ratings Go?” Monday Night NFL Football Open Thread

There’s a chill in the air. Can you feel it? The hobos huddled close by the open fire sure can. There’s talk that it’s about time to head to the west coast. That means another three weeks of evading them darn switch yard bosses and the dogs that leave deep scars. Such is life on the rail. Wives, family members, kids-they’re all a distant memory. Just like you, they’ve moved on. Trusted friends? There are none out here-not when you could be shivved for a torn and patched and patched again winter coat. No, it’s every man for himself. A murmur rises ’round the fire. Someone’s got a pair of dice! Maybe tonight you could win a can of beans, or maybe even a night with Oral Lucy. Course, you could also lose your last pair of socks. Ah, what the hell, you only live once right? TO THE GAME!

Hou/Den-Your narrative is “Brocky Comes Backy” but it’s not as though he’s returning as a player that Denver (in retrospect) dearly wanted. Hell, the Broncs have their own guy (Paxton Lynch) that can match TD’s with intercepts and they’re not playing him. The most depressing stat related to the Texans qb that I’ve seen is that he’s 4-10 on throws over 11(!) yards. It’s not the 40% completion rate that gets me-it’s the fact that over the course of six games he’s ‘let ‘er fly’ less than twice a game. That’s boring-as-hell, god-awful, ratings-draining, 3 yards-and-cloud-of-dust bullshit football right there in a short throw/nutshell. Houston is a running team though and despite playing against stacked lines rb Miller is doing okay with a 4.2 ypc average and 631 combined yards. Look for him to get short passes (ya think?) outside the tackles and try to break something. The Broncs will also rely on their guy-rb Anderson-to get the running game going against the 29th-ranked D in that category. Migraine-conqueror and HC Kubiak returns to the sideline and has indicated that rook rb Booker might have a ‘special package’ for the Texans. Houston has been crushed by superior teams (Vikes, Pats) and I expect the same here.

Thar ye be! LET’S DO THIS THING!

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
397 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Spur

We’re in danger of a field goal

John Difool

JAGUARS, TITANS…ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN ON THURSDAYS

*Like watching reruns of Cop Rock on TV Land 2 – The Duece*

Doktor Zymm

But that would imply there’s a chance of a good game happening on Thursdays…

theeWeeBabySeamus

Bite your tongue.
WITCH!!!!!!!!!!

JustStopDude

comment image

makeitsnowondem

Four punts with five and a half minutes played. We’re well on pace.

King Hippo

4-0 in the first down race!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

27 punts in that Raiders game. Article says the league record is 31 though.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, that was in 1933 though.

King Hippo

Depending on your view of Case Keenum, these might be the two worst starters in the league. At least not accounting for injury.

Spur

Was that Trevors sister?

Spur

Why are they booing Osweiler? The fans want to see Brandon Weeden out there instead?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They’re trying to get into the Halloween spirit.

trollsoharduniversity

Hey guess what? After tonight, it’s only 8 more weeks with Berman!

LemonJello

Is that when the launch window opens to fire him directly into the sun?

makeitsnowondem

I’ve always dreamed of liveblogging the game that breaks the total punt record.

We’re at three.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I remember the game that set it – it was Raiders Chargers many years ago and the Raiders won 7-6 on a breakaway touchdown near the end.

King Hippo

MOAR punts than total first downs? Could happen.

litre_cola

Arian Foster retired?

JustStopDude

I have never fucking understood NFL fans booing players for changing teams.

The contracts aren’t worth the fucking paper they are written on. Fans all the time demand players to be cut for poor performance or when they get injured. How the holy fuck can fans expect players to show any sort of loyalty to a fan base or ownership?

King Hippo

Or from my standpoint: “BOOOOOOO, guy who signed a franchise-crippling contract with someone else instead of us. Now we are stuck with this “best player in league” Von Miller long-term extension and our QB on a rookie pay scale for 4 years.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I want this game to be even worse than last night’s game.

King Hippo

oh, I think you’ll get that

John Difool

Some men just want to watch the world burn..

King Hippo

FOMO ,, smgdh

h/t to Pie, she taught me that hip young ppl abbreviation

Spur

Would it be too much to ask for if this could end in a 3-3 tie?

King Hippo

yes, because I need MOAR kicker points than that. 12-12 I will accept.

makeitsnowondem

Yes, three points is below the Denver defense’s average PPG.

Doktor Zymm

I wonder if Siemian is a good swimmer?

John Difool

BOOOOOOOO

Spur

That’s racist.

makeitsnowondem

Going to be depending on Talib for scoring again, apparently.

King Hippo

It’s a surprisingly effective plan. Either that or maybe Von strip sacks it in 57-yard FG range?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t think a Siemian becomes the leader of a group by being quiet, John.

King Hippo

sure hope we has the better punter!

trollsoharduniversity

I recognize the Broncos jerseys, but who’re the other guys?

John Difool

The Bum Phillips 66’s?

LemonJello

London expansion team, maybe?

JustStopDude

So I got two customers in for training today. One from Texas, the other from Utah. We go outside to smoke and the smoking area is filled with a group of Chinese customers. I explain we have a massive project in Shanghai that is ongoing and basically as soon as I am done this week training you guys, I have to train these Chinese guys.

“You folks do a lot of business with China”

“Yeah. Pretty much China is where all the big projects are”

“You guys are fuck if that Trump idiot gets elected” – Texan

I like it when people break the mold on you.

jjfozz

Wilfork with not blazing speed

LemonJello

Which is slower; the speed of smell or the speed of government? And where would Wilfork fall on that scale?

theeWeeBabySeamus

comment image

makeitsnowondem

Gentlemen.

I don’t even want to win my fantasy matchup if it means Lamar Miller, Nick Novak, and the Houston defense combining for 58 points.

makeitsnowondem

wait why the fuck do i even have so many texans

King Hippo

value is a bitch goddess ,, ppl forget that

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You sound like America.

...

Something like this happened to me on my fantasy baseball team. On a 25-man roster, I somehow drafted eight Asian players without even thinking about.

makeitsnowondem

I suspect implicit bias.

King Hippo

but it wasn’t a ROOOOOOCKKKK
It was a BRRRRRROOOOOOCCCKKKK…ba da da da
BROCK LOBSTER!!

Gratliff

comment image

John Difool

I think it’s cute Chachi Osweiller has finally discovered Brylcream.

Gratliff

Yep. I’m the guy who drafted Arian Foster.

jjfozz

I think Arian escaped from the walking dead

jjfozz

I want drugs

Spur

Try not to poke someones eye out mmmmmkay
comment image

JustStopDude

comment image

Spur
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

JOHN ELWAY: [to Brock Osweiler] May you live in interesting times.

JOHN ELWAY: [watches tape of last night’s game]

JOHN ELWAY: Well, shit.

Duchess

I am getting tired of every network and news crew, blog, etc talking about all the things that didn’t exist the last time the Cubs won a World Series.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Does anyone have any favorite places to buy desktop computers online? I was thinking of getting one for myself and now my dad needs me to get him one because he can’t run his AutoCAD equivalent and some other programs on my sisters shitty laptop he third hand inherited after stealing it from me after my sister gave it to me. I have always built mine piece by piece in the past, but that seems to be a more expensive route, or I have no self control and want to get awesome parts I don’t really need.

Duchess

New Egg?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Do they sell full boxes now or just parts? That and Tigerdirect have gotten a lot of money from me in the past

The Maestro

I’m more a Mac guy these days due to music-related stuff, but I always build PCs myself and it seems to work out way better from a cost perspective. For CAD stuff, how large of renderings are we talking here? Would 8 gigs of RAM be enough or is 16 needed?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

4GB min, 8GB recommended. I was gonna go 16 to be safe

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

As to his specific renderings I have no clue

Spur

Tigerdirect or Newegg. Sometimes Amazon depending on what you want.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I would not even consider sending you to the nimrods I just bought my new tower from via Amazon. Holy shit, what a group of fuck ups.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I bought mine from Costco; has worked just fine for me.

King Hippo

The circle would really be complete if Denver brought Catler back next week, just to fuck with King Laserface. Even if he just held a clipboard, it would be beautiful, lovely hate all over again.

Oh, and Aqib Talib seems like a fella Denver probably ought to have shy away from media appearances most of the time. MOAR than a little…off.

Spur

Gruden should wear that VR headset all night.

Col. Duke LaCross

I always approve of GHOST being used as bumper and highlight music…

jjfozz

Dear Angel of Death I ask you come and take Berman into your dark bosom.

And make it as painful as u can

LemonJello

Is there one of those Kickstarter or GoFundMe’s for this?

Spur

We had an internal job posting for a manager position come up last Monday. Thought about it all week, I went ahead and applied for it on Friday. Find out today, my current supervisor recommended me for the job early last week.

If you folks remember this company bought my old company three months ago. I thought I was going to be jobless when they took over. If i get it I’ll need to move back to Vegas.

Duchess

Strippers rejoice

jjfozz

Go west, young motherfucker

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sweet. We’ll save on a shitload of hotel bills.

blaxabbath

Las Vegas is Raider Nation

The Maestro

This just in: Arian Foster just announced his retirement, according to a tweet from Ian Rapoport.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Cousin Daryl (Michael Rapaport) approves.
http://www.ew.com/sites/default/files/i/2014/01/02/Justified.jpg

theeWeeBabySeamus

At least Tocho enjoyed the NCSU/’Ville game.
FML.

Duchess

MNF rating are down 18% year over year. roughly 6 Million people have stopped watching football this year or have gone into viewing parties rather than viewing it alone.

jjfozz

Probably because it sucks dick

theeWeeBabySeamus

So do I gotta watch this tonight? I really need a nap, followed by the Westworld catch up watch thingy. Please tell me I don’t gotta football tonight. Last night was…well, you know.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No, if you don’t like it don’t do it. Just go random…. and pantsless…….. with maybe a sandwich.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Is it acceptable to have consensual sex with said sandwich?
/asking for a friend

Duchess

The most watched college football game so far was Texas v. Notre Dame that game had fewer viewers than the shit hole game of LA V San Fran.

The Maestro

Time to watch the Ice Eagles take on the Ice Alouettes for a little while before MNF gets going. Also – howdy, folks.

LemonJello

comment image

Greetings and salutations, internet peoples!

Claymaker

I call dibs on the “Tony Dungy came dressed up Nosferatu for Halloween” joke next Sunday night.

LemonJello

As long as I can have “Tony Dungy came dressed as Dobby the House Elf” reserved.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Wished I was quicker on that stuff.

Spur

Folks

Beerguyrob

Squire.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Gratliff

Guess this week was the decennial Good Episode Of SNL.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7VaXlMvAvk

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This was really good and I have a hard time articulating WHY it was so good. It was like the show Louie somehow invaded SNL for five minutes.

Sill Bimmons

Jack Chick died today.

comment image

Gratliff

I guess every day can’t be tragic.

King Hippo

DONKS WOO!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

I wonder how the psychic next door to the building in my neighborhood that exploded last week didn’t see that coming.

Anyway, I’m going for a stroll in the shitty, cold, wet rain because it’s still less depressing than watching or even reading you all discuss this game.

Unsurprised

This is kind of why I’m open to the NFL giving Ray Rice a second chance instead of ostracizing him over their collected fuck-ups.

http://deadspin.com/zero-tolerance-for-domestic-violence-will-only-make-it-1787428167

blaxabbath

Man, I’d love some cold wet rain. It’s damn 90’s all week here.

blaxabbath

Really bummed MNF didn’t get HOU for Halloween so they could reference #scarytexansstories all night.

https://www.doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/houston-ghost2.mp4

Humblebragger was my fav, btw.

1 2 3 4