Your “How Low Can Your Ratings Go?” Monday Night NFL Football Open Thread

There’s a chill in the air. Can you feel it? The hobos huddled close by the open fire sure can. There’s talk that it’s about time to head to the west coast. That means another three weeks of evading them darn switch yard bosses and the dogs that leave deep scars. Such is life on the rail. Wives, family members, kids-they’re all a distant memory. Just like you, they’ve moved on. Trusted friends? There are none out here-not when you could be shivved for a torn and patched and patched again winter coat. No, it’s every man for himself. A murmur rises ’round the fire. Someone’s got a pair of dice! Maybe tonight you could win a can of beans, or maybe even a night with Oral Lucy. Course, you could also lose your last pair of socks. Ah, what the hell, you only live once right? TO THE GAME!

Hou/Den-Your narrative is “Brocky Comes Backy” but it’s not as though he’s returning as a player that Denver (in retrospect) dearly wanted. Hell, the Broncs have their own guy (Paxton Lynch) that can match TD’s with intercepts and they’re not playing him. The most depressing stat related to the Texans qb that I’ve seen is that he’s 4-10 on throws over 11(!) yards. It’s not the 40% completion rate that gets me-it’s the fact that over the course of six games he’s ‘let ‘er fly’ less than twice a game. That’s boring-as-hell, god-awful, ratings-draining, 3 yards-and-cloud-of-dust bullshit football right there in a short throw/nutshell. Houston is a running team though and despite playing against stacked lines rb Miller is doing okay with a 4.2 ypc average and 631 combined yards. Look for him to get short passes (ya think?) outside the tackles and try to break something. The Broncs will also rely on their guy-rb Anderson-to get the running game going against the 29th-ranked D in that category. Migraine-conqueror and HC Kubiak returns to the sideline and has indicated that rook rb Booker might have a ‘special package’ for the Texans. Houston has been crushed by superior teams (Vikes, Pats) and I expect the same here.

Thar ye be! LET’S DO THIS THING!

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King Hippo

Denver looks all competent, I’m gonna take ’em in Survivor and they will fuck me sideways, won’t they??

JustStopDude

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King Hippo

I’m also MOAR than a little asexually gay for Devontae Booker

theeWeeBabySeamus

Asexually gay. Really? After all this time I been trynna cohabitate with that sweet Hippo ass, you gon’ go and say that. I am going to go find a different future. You don’t love me and you never did.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It is the old meaning; happy and excited : cheerful and lively

… and he wants some oral.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I dislike him because if he keeps doing good I am gonna lose my insanity league matchup

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, that’s against me, right? Go that guy!

Doktor Zymm

Do you think the reason there aren’t 6 downs is so there can’t be a player wearing the number 6 making a 6 yd play on 6th down and therefore signifying that he is the antichrist?

Old School Zero

that player would celebrate after every play. for minutes at a time.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

True story, my wife and I celebrated our 6th anniversary on 6/6 this year.

King Hippo

Strokey Kubes, smarter than Brock Lobster? YOU DON’T SAY…

makeitsnowondem

They’re not strokes, they’re out-of-body zone offense epiphanies.

The Maestro

This is up there close to my own personal favorite GIF of all time…

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It sums up Vince McMahon’s WWF so well too.

jjfozz

It’s a shame that Denver had a QB that they were counting on signing and then went another way.

KIND OF LIKE WHAT THE FUCKING HORSE CUNT ELWAY DID TO BALTIMORE. YOU FUCKING FUCK.

John Difool

Mayflower fucked Baltimore way worse than Elway ever did.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I hope you’re not withing Fozz driving range.
Or mine, for that matter.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
John Difool

Good thing I live in Antarctica.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You better be careful! You will get withing’d!

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_leeptqJa9P1qdlkgg.gif

jjfozz

When I go into Baltimoron Berserker rage, no one is safe. Fuck Mayflower while we’re at it. And as always, burn in hell Irsay. A pox on you and your house

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

checking it down short of the marker, 3rd and 3. hee hee

JustStopDude
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This game isn’t turnout out nearly as bad as the first five minutes had me thinking. I mean, it’s still pretty bad, but not historically bad like I wanted it to be.

Claymaker

The 9-9 tie is still in play.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Shhhhhh….dammit!!!!!!

John Difool

THESE HOUSTON TEXANS I CALL’EM CHARLETON HESTON IN PLANET OF THE APES ‘CAUSE THEY’RE STARTING TO GET OVERPOWERED BY A SIEMIAN

King Hippo

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

an actual footballing touched down??

JustStopDude

Great to see them pan the camera to Elway just in time for him to extract his wad of dip.

The Maestro

Holy shit, I forgot what a touchdown looked like until now.

...

For a moment I pondered the idea that a World Series game might beat Sunday Night Football this year, but then I saw the matchup is Cowboys-Eagles.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
trollsoharduniversity

Holy shit! They’re blowing a horse on the national broadcast!

JustStopDude

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theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, I’m gonna give this until halftime. But I have no intention of sitting thru a repeat of last night until like 1 fucking am. Not happening.

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Same. I can’t deal with so much blech football.

King Hippo

it is not mandatory…we will all just be…disappointed

theeWeeBabySeamus

Disappointed with my absence?
That has literally never happened before in evar. Trust me, you’ll get over it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Pretty sure I am the only one who enjoyed the hell out of last night’s game.

theeWeeBabySeamus

balls liked it. But he’s fucked in the head just as much as you.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He is…. poor delighted fucker.

King Hippo

all who made it to the end were rewarded and delighted, those who gave up partway felt it a turd

King Hippo

10 MOAR yards needed…

jjfozz

Question: are we supposed to post Imgur links on the image?
Answer: fuck it

comment image&token=AQAACsEOWCUaw2bu8XxO5jQx4Y4SMrPrH3zJlUhobbd17kkoTF8a&app_name=reddit.com

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

you know…there is a former Bronco QB available who has actually won a playoff game…

Just saying…

King Hippo

yeah, but we like Elway in the executive suite. Just neighing…

herodotus450

Jake Plummer?

King Hippo

We need at least ONE McManusDOWN (aka, long-ass FG) per Dale’s Pale Ale I have left to consume this evening.

Our OL is flaming monkeyshit.

jjfozz

A defensive match up = pitcher’s duel = time to watch porn

Old School Zero

Hey make it snow: I’m drinking that umami IPA. It’s not much of an IPA, and it’s not overwhelming with bonito flakes, but there’s just enough of each to make it pleasant and drinkable, much like other Japanese craft beers I’ve tried.

Also, I saw that 10 Barrel has a Joe IPA out or something. Can’t remember if I’ve heard it before, but I hear it’s a great shower beer for minors.

Spur

That was 1 quarter!?!

JustStopDude

Objects may on screen appear derpier than they are…

Old School Zero

Been listening to this on the radio. This game sounds almost as good as AZ/SEA.

Almost.

John Difool

Chachi Osweiller just got Malachi Crunched…

King Hippo

am I nonplussed? Yer darn tootin!!

JustStopDude

“Verily I wrote ‘Game Over’ in my notebook”

-Noted douchebag….

Spanky Datass

That Donks fan chick with the lipstick blue me …

King Hippo

6 would be dangerously close to insurmountable

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wow…Houston with some imaginative even if conservative pussy play calling there. I’m mildly impressed.

King Hippo

About time to layer beer on top of them pills…

JustStopDude

Best pill chaser I know…

https://postimg.org/image/mr4f9biel/

JustStopDude

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King Hippo

like how this here fella thinks

Spur

Eli petitioned the league to move the Giants bye week to the same week Fantastic Beasts comes out.

JustStopDude
makeitsnowondem

The “total penalty yardage, both teams” record is also in play, right?

Spur

Good thing I still have the Spurs to watch…really the NBA in general as long as TNT is showing the game.

theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus

I like this dog, too. Just saying.
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King Hippo

we should have all pitched in and sent Dok in full crazy American REDACTED SUPERFAN regalia and sent her to London to GET BRITAIN HYPE to beat the Bungles.

Redshirt could have hypothetically gone too if he had voted FOAR HillyBob.

/ok, he can still go, but only if he speaks nonstop of CARBOAT

John Difool

What about me? I’d drive her there for free.

King Hippo

I’m sold! Great at spending imaginary money, with imaginary authority.

/FOAR LinkedIn later

JustStopDude

Holy shit Lex Luthor looks like fucking crap on the sidelines…

trollsoharduniversity

I’m rooting for another 6-6 tie

JustStopDude

I fucking love the latest thing NFL talking heads are doing now, which Gruden just did, where they drop hints the reason players are getting hurt so often now is because the players union is pushing back on the number of full pad practices…as if teams were allow to beat the players into the ground even more for their paychecks, some how these injuries would not be happening.

Its especially humorous to hear this crap from former players that played during the time that the average NFL player looked more like the average Joe than a professional athlete. Its akin to Mary Lou Retton comparing herself to gymnasts today.

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While this is not as blatant as the dudes calling a Chargers game pushing for a new stadium, I believe these talking points are actually being given to them by NFL higherups.

I wasn’t totally serious when I commented a while back that in-game commentators are really just NFL PR folks, but it’s looking like that’s really true.

King Hippo

he’s quite the shill

theeWeeBabySeamus
King Hippo

While we have this timeout, remember that Jags/Titans COLOUR RUSH is the one MANDATORY TNF broadcast of the year. Because…res ipsa loquitor, DUH!!

And we get Redacteds in London Sunday!!! Think of the Euro-protests!

Spur

Just trying to make Thursday Night Football happen*

http://i.imgur.com/qipnSiW.gif

*unless it’s Thanksgiving.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I like this dog. Just saying.
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Christ, why the fuck are the Bears in primetime so much this year?

King Hippo

you know what you did

litre_cola

Well they do need a qb and sex cannon is available so I mean, isn’t it obvious? Rex wants to impregnate your eyes through yout tv!!!

...

This I might actually watch.

Spur

You don’t watch it, you experience it.

Doktor Zymm

Trying to compete with other bear-themed teams I suppose

John Difool

It’s almost as if the NFL truly doesn’t know their audience and is wondering why viewership is going in the toilet.

King Hippo

Chicago’s a big market! Everyone loves a big market side!!!

...

I’m so jaded about the Bears that I might actually root for the Vikings since they seem to be trying to win and I don’t totally hate them.

King Hippo

TERRIBLE FOOTWORK. I has always said that. Never shown any improvement.

makeitsnowondem

If they’d made that easy holding call against the guy blocking Ward, we could be well on our way to a fifth punt.

King Hippo

yeah, on that replay was pretty damned blatant.

Shogun Marcus

I don’t believe in charity.
I don’t believe in sin.
And if you don’t believe in me,
We’ll play this tune over again.

I don’t believe in pinnacles
And I don’t believe I’ll try.
I do believe in Captain Crunch (and David S. Pumpkins)
For I am the Frizzle Fry.