Oh hello there folks. Have you been weighed down by the Bottomless Shitfire of the last few days, weeks or months? Yeah, myself as well. I sure could go for a distraction right about now. Are you up for it, NFL? You see, despite what your marketing department tried to convey to me, I never thought that you were some sort of “lifestyle” or “family” or even that you *really* cared about women’s health issues or people that chose to serve in the military. That stuff plays well to the ad guys and is a “safe space”. No, your institution is a distraction, a vehicle by which myself and my brethren here on this site and in countless other places on-line and off can forget about other things for a while. What say you, NFL-are you up for it? I hope you are…. TO THE GAMES!
GB/Ten-Two teams with talent that are Yertle The Turtle-ing their way thru the sked. This one should end up with qb’s Rodgers and Mariota flinging the ball because neither can get its running game going for differing reasons. Advantage: Rodgers.
Min/Was-Streak-happy Minny will try to put up a W once again after losing 3 straight. Despite those losses they only give up a paltry 15.8 points per game on average-that’s #1 in the league. Lt Williams of the Redacteds, one of the best, is lost for 4 games due to the old “banned substances” thing. Qb Cousins was the player that benefited most from Williams’ play and now he’ll have to do without. He might be okay though-he’s on a pace to throw for over 4,900 yds. which would blast the record that he set last year of 4,166.
Chi/TB-The Bears ambushed the Vikes just before their bye week for their second win and are beginning to get healthy-they’ll now get starting guards Sitton and Long back in the mix. Tampa finally has rb Martin back at practice though it’s not clear if he’s ready to go. Nice timing on his part as the Bucs only have James and rb Barber to run with the ball. No such concerns for the Bears-rook rb Howard is playing lights-out. Something has to break here-Chicago has yet to win on the road and Tampa doesn’t have a home win yet. So…a tie?
KC/Car-The 6-2 Chiefs quietly continue along their “best team no one talks about/takes seriously” path. Qb Smith keeps doing his thing, rb Ware steps into Charles’ huge shoes and discovers they fit fine and te Kelce maintains his ascent up the te rankings towards second-best in the league. (Although his opposite number in this game might say something about that) The Panthers have cobbled together two straight wins including an ugly-as-hell 13-10 snoozer vs. the Rams last week.
Atl/Phi-The Falcons “Balls-To-The-Wall” O keeps rolling along. No matter if they win or lose they’re going to score at least 20, more likely 30, or even 40 points as Tampa found out last week. I’d say that qb Ryan should grab 2nd place in mid-season MVP honours behind Brady. The Eagles blasted out of the gate in surprising style but in 4 of their last 5 have re-discovered their inner-Phillyness.
LA/NYJ-“JUST START GOFF AND PETTY AND GET IT OVER WITH!”-The Gods of Bleerg
Den/NO-Denver and its care-taker qb lead the league in 3-and-outs. I think that might put a wee bit more pressure on Denver’s Talib-less secondary but they should be up to it. Brees will counter with his strategy of too many Cooks, Sneads and Thomaii. (?) It’s the run D that has some Broncs fans a bit worried-they rank 14th and gave up 5.1 to the Raiders last week. Luckily for them, the Saints can only counter with the ever-disappointing Mark Ingram.
Hou/Jax-The Texicans are looking for their first road win and outside of Cleveland, Jacksonville looks like the best place to find one. Not earn, “find”. One tends to think of the defensive side of the field when Houston is mentioned but their turnover stats are atrocious. They’ve but 6 to date this year. That averages out to just under “Jesus Christ-That’s Pathetic!” per game. The only team with less (5) is the Jags. If you need him, wr Hurns has passed his concussion test.
There you have it-a bunch of wee tidbits that serve as an excuse to talk about football. (Man, am I ever cynical today!) NOW, GO GET ‘EM, GO-GETTERS!!!
Really, Green Bay? Are you going to start a brawl because Rodgers ran into someone in the end zone?
Seriously. I saw nothing wrong with that hit.
He ignored the safe word.
HOW
https://twitter.com/AndrewSiciliano/status/797895266523226112
Now a missed PAT?!?! Is there a gravity issue in Philly we don’t know about?
WOOOOO FAT ROB!
Guh
Ryandown!
*missed point after
I made the right choice. This is not a day for putting on real clothes, or going to far from the couch.
This confuses me.
I’m too afraid of slipping and cracking my skull by jerking it in the shower. There’s no way I’d ever consider doing it while driving.
again.
Fixed
Roger Goodell is a goddamn disgrace.
Jeff Triplette has no god that would claim him. Not even Bleergh.
RYANBOMBDOWN!!!!
I see the Bears defense decided to show up in the second half.
Redzone sure is showing a lot of Bears/Bucs
DC playing run D? Or the Vikings blow at running?
hehe “tremendous penetration”
I have a perverse desire for Minn/DC to end in a tie.
END THEM ALL IN TIES
http://imagesmtv-a.akamaihd.net/uri/mgid:file:http:shared:mtv.com/news/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/tumblr_m8la3eXvIq1r9cdhd.gif
So did the NFL just put out a bounty on Cam Newton for speaking out or what?
There was already a bounty, they just added in a limited edition “I killed Cam” coffee cup.
It appears the Falcon’s run defense is a work in progress.
Did any of your know there was once a team called the Miami Seahawks?
http://www.pro-football-reference.com/teams/msa/
You, your, you’re whatever.
So remembering that the Bears have never beat the Texans, I’m looking up head-to-head records to see if there are any teams that have never win or lost a game against a particular team.
The Texans have never beaten the Vikings in four tries.
The Texans have never beaten the Eagles in four tries.
The Jaguars have never beaten the Patriots in seven tries.
The Cowboys have never beaten the Ravens (!) in four tries.
Definitely wouldn’t have guessed the last one.
The Bears haven’t beaten the [*Redacted] s since I moved to Chicago 😀
So it’s your fault!!!!
Has Ryan Matthews come alive or are the Falcons that bad on D?
I HAVEN’T SEEN A SIEMAN PERFORM THIS BADLY SINCE THE INVENTION OF THE BIRTH CONTROL PILL!
Bears going with the bend, break, and immolate approach on defense.
Holy shit. Jameis Winston just McNabb’d the Bears.
Ridiculous play by Winston. I still feel cheated out of a safety.
That’s how women at Florida State felt about him, too
I picked up Ronnie Hillman out of desperation and am temporarily happy when a Denver back gains some yards.
I understand the placekicker for the Vikings has invested in a series of low income tenement homes. The called the Blair Walsh Projects.
Funny how a typo can totally deflate an already mediocre joke.
Hard count on 4th and 1 with no intent to run a play is a very un-Beansie move
Ugh, “no one hits in practice anymore so it’s hard to get physical”
Really!?
I’d really like all of these guys with their regressive attitude regarding masculinity to be concussed repeatedly until their have no brain function. They seem to think that’s admirable to let’s just turn their brains to pudding so we all win.
Execute under pressure, like an underwater execution squad
Brees snafu-ed the shit out of the the Broncos D.
I guess Mr Winkles didn’t finish the job on Blair Walsh.
Why does that dipshit still have a job?
Earlier: “Looks like I’ll be doing another Walsh Photoshop this week…”
There’s no reason to call Mr. Winkles “dipshit”; he has feelings you know.
Unlike that dipshit Blair Walsh.
“The Red Zone? But red means stop!”
-Kirk Cousins
It’s where red shirt’s go to die.
Green Bay is getting their shit pushed in. Rodgers telling his teammates to relax.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWsUzVgHZ8k
the bass line is great
“Saints Defence Stops 2 Consecutive Run Plays!”
/I’ll take “Things that have never been said for 600, Alex.”
The packers have clearly decided that since the nation has reverted to the 80’s, they will too. Is Randy Wright still around? Lynn Dickey?
Jim McMahon is on the bench, but he’s wearing a Bears jersey
I was partial to The Majik Man” myself…
Afternoon not lizard people, just got out of rehearsal, it’s my trip around the sun day, let’s see if I get in bourble.
Congrats on the additional miles flying through space!
Congrats and enjoy
Dear Jordan Reed. You are awesome. Please try not to damage your brain too much. Also, you would probably look better without the pencil mustache. Unless that facial hair helps to protect your brain, in which case, carry on.
Hell or High Watermelon tastes better at altitude.
That’s one of the few craft beers I’ve had that I genuinely though was horrible.
Ugh. I want to go to the bar on the corner, I get about a million miles/$ there, and they make a damn fine BLT with sweet potato waffle fries, but I really, really don’t want to watch the Bears game. Also, it will be full of very loud groups of people there for brunch.
Cutler just successfully channeled his inner Sex Cannon.
I’ll miss him when he’s gone.
Not sure if you know who Jeffrey Steingarten is. If you ever indulged in Iron Chef America, he was the insufferably pompous judge that hated everything and everyone. I made the mistake of buying “The Man Who Ate Everything” having not recognized the name.
This is the very first food book that I’ve not been able to finish. Don’t give this guy a minute of your time/cent of your money.
fuck all dis, gonna walk the dog with the wifey here in a minute
HOLY SHIT CATLERBOMB
LOL BUCS
My Hope meter is 100% unchanged but that was pretty sweet to watch.
Take Tajai Sharpe they said, he is Mariottas favourite target they said. They have 35 points and that sonofabitch only has 21 yards!!!
Are the Chiefs a great team or a terrible team? I can never tell.
Yes.
I’ve been asking myself the same thing all season.
I appreciate Red Zone torturing me by keeping it on Bears-Bucs as much as possible.
Might as well pile on the suffering now so we can get used to it.
“Keep Cam And Carry On”-Panthers Fans
All of this is building to a Cowboys-Patriots Super Bowl. It’s really the sort of thing we’d get considering our collective sins.
I’ve been thinking about what brand of bleach I should drink for such an event.
That’s the only Super Bowl match-up I could never bring myself to watch.
I thought that was Donald Trump…
It is the “President Donald Trump” of Super Bowls.
And Dallas will score the most points, but the Pats will still win on a technicality.
It took me a moment to get this but I’m glad I’m waited for it.
Next time I go home, I’m gonna find Blair Walsh begging for change in the shadow of the Washington Monument, aren’t I?
I see the exhibition games are in full swing. I’m looking forward to the real games this afternoon.
Blair Walsh missed an extra point.
Pray for his testicles.
They’re already in a jar in Zimmer’s office.
Those are raisins