Your “Can I Have Some Sweet, Sweet Release?” Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

Oh hello there folks. Have you been weighed down by the Bottomless Shitfire of the last few days, weeks or months? Yeah, myself as well. I sure could go for a distraction right about now. Are you up for it, NFL? You see, despite what your marketing department tried to convey to me, I never thought that you were some sort of “lifestyle” or “family” or even that you *really* cared about women’s health issues or people that chose to serve in the military. That stuff plays well to the ad guys and is a “safe space”. No, your institution is a distraction, a vehicle by which myself and my brethren here on this site and in countless other places on-line and off can forget about other things for a while. What say you, NFL-are you up for it? I hope you are…. TO THE GAMES!

GB/Ten-Two teams with talent that are Yertle The Turtle-ing their way thru the sked. This one should end up with qb’s Rodgers and Mariota flinging the ball because neither can get its running game going for differing reasons. Advantage: Rodgers.

Min/Was-Streak-happy Minny will try to put up a W once again after losing 3 straight. Despite those losses they only give up a paltry 15.8 points per game on average-that’s #1 in the league. Lt Williams of the Redacteds, one of the best, is lost for 4 games due to the old “banned substances” thing. Qb Cousins was the player that benefited most from Williams’ play and now he’ll have to do without. He might be okay though-he’s on a pace to throw for over 4,900 yds. which would blast the record that he set last year of 4,166.

Chi/TB-The Bears ambushed the Vikes just before their bye week for their second win and are beginning to get healthy-they’ll now get starting guards Sitton and Long back in the mix. Tampa finally has rb Martin back at practice though it’s not clear if he’s ready to go. Nice timing on his part as the Bucs only have James and rb Barber to run with the ball. No such concerns for the Bears-rook rb Howard is playing lights-out. Something has to break here-Chicago has yet to win on the road and Tampa doesn’t have a home win yet. So…a tie?

KC/Car-The 6-2 Chiefs quietly continue along their “best team no one talks about/takes seriously” path. Qb Smith keeps doing his thing, rb Ware steps into Charles’ huge shoes and discovers they fit fine and te Kelce maintains his ascent up the te rankings towards second-best in the league. (Although his opposite number in this game might say something about that) The Panthers have cobbled together two straight wins including an ugly-as-hell 13-10 snoozer vs. the Rams last week.

Atl/Phi-The Falcons “Balls-To-The-Wall” O keeps rolling along. No matter if they win or lose they’re going to score at least 20, more likely 30, or even 40 points as Tampa found out last week. I’d say that qb Ryan should grab 2nd place in mid-season MVP honours behind Brady. The Eagles blasted out of the gate in surprising style but in 4 of their last 5 have re-discovered their inner-Phillyness.

LA/NYJ-“JUST START GOFF AND PETTY AND GET IT OVER WITH!”-The Gods of Bleerg

Den/NO-Denver and its care-taker qb lead the league in 3-and-outs. I think that might put a wee bit more pressure on Denver’s Talib-less secondary but they should be up to it. Brees will counter with his strategy of too many Cooks, Sneads and Thomaii. (?) It’s the run D that has some Broncs fans a bit worried-they rank 14th and gave up 5.1 to the Raiders last week. Luckily for them, the Saints can only counter with the ever-disappointing Mark Ingram.

Hou/Jax-The Texicans are looking for their first road win and outside of Cleveland, Jacksonville looks like the best place to find one. Not earn, “find”. One tends to think of the defensive side of the field when Houston is mentioned but their turnover stats are atrocious. They’ve but 6 to date this year. That averages out to just under “Jesus Christ-That’s Pathetic!” per game. The only team with less (5) is the Jags. If you need him, wr Hurns has passed his concussion test.

There you have it-a bunch of wee tidbits that serve as an excuse to talk about football. (Man, am I ever cynical today!) NOW, GO GET ‘EM, GO-GETTERS!!!

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Gratliff

Really, Green Bay? Are you going to start a brawl because Rodgers ran into someone in the end zone?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Seriously. I saw nothing wrong with that hit.

Romonobyl

He ignored the safe word.

fleshwound_NPG
Romonobyl

Now a missed PAT?!?! Is there a gravity issue in Philly we don’t know about?

Doktor Zymm

WOOOOO FAT ROB!

Gratliff

Guh

Doktor Zymm

I made the right choice. This is not a day for putting on real clothes, or going to far from the couch.

JustStopDude

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litre_cola

This confuses me.

...

I’m too afraid of slipping and cracking my skull by jerking it in the shower. There’s no way I’d ever consider doing it while driving.

Horatio Cornblower

again.

Fixed

Shogun Marcus

Roger Goodell is a goddamn disgrace.
Jeff Triplette has no god that would claim him. Not even Bleergh.

Romonobyl

RYANBOMBDOWN!!!!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I see the Bears defense decided to show up in the second half.

litre_cola

Redzone sure is showing a lot of Bears/Bucs

Doktor Zymm

DC playing run D? Or the Vikings blow at running?
hehe “tremendous penetration”

Doktor Zymm

I have a perverse desire for Minn/DC to end in a tie.

...

END THEM ALL IN TIES

JustStopDude

So did the NFL just put out a bounty on Cam Newton for speaking out or what?

Doktor Zymm

There was already a bounty, they just added in a limited edition “I killed Cam” coffee cup.

Romonobyl

It appears the Falcon’s run defense is a work in progress.

...

Did any of your know there was once a team called the Miami Seahawks?

http://www.pro-football-reference.com/teams/msa/

...

You, your, you’re whatever.

...

So remembering that the Bears have never beat the Texans, I’m looking up head-to-head records to see if there are any teams that have never win or lost a game against a particular team.

The Texans have never beaten the Vikings in four tries.
The Texans have never beaten the Eagles in four tries.
The Jaguars have never beaten the Patriots in seven tries.
The Cowboys have never beaten the Ravens (!) in four tries.

Definitely wouldn’t have guessed the last one.

Doktor Zymm

The Bears haven’t beaten the [*Redacted] s since I moved to Chicago 😀

Romonobyl

So it’s your fault!!!!

Gratliff

Has Ryan Matthews come alive or are the Falcons that bad on D?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Bears going with the bend, break, and immolate approach on defense.

Brick Meathook

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Gratliff

Holy shit. Jameis Winston just McNabb’d the Bears.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Ridiculous play by Winston. I still feel cheated out of a safety.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That’s how women at Florida State felt about him, too

Romonobyl

I understand the placekicker for the Vikings has invested in a series of low income tenement homes. The called the Blair Walsh Projects.

Romonobyl

Funny how a typo can totally deflate an already mediocre joke.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hard count on 4th and 1 with no intent to run a play is a very un-Beansie move

Doktor Zymm

Ugh, “no one hits in practice anymore so it’s hard to get physical”
Really!?

...

I’d really like all of these guys with their regressive attitude regarding masculinity to be concussed repeatedly until their have no brain function. They seem to think that’s admirable to let’s just turn their brains to pudding so we all win.

Doktor Zymm

Execute under pressure, like an underwater execution squad

laserguru

I guess Mr Winkles didn’t finish the job on Blair Walsh.
Why does that dipshit still have a job?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Earlier: “Looks like I’ll be doing another Walsh Photoshop this week…”

Horatio Cornblower

There’s no reason to call Mr. Winkles “dipshit”; he has feelings you know.

Unlike that dipshit Blair Walsh.

Doktor Zymm

“The Red Zone? But red means stop!”
-Kirk Cousins

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

It’s where red shirt’s go to die.

Spur

Green Bay is getting their shit pushed in. Rodgers telling his teammates to relax.

Shogun Marcus

The packers have clearly decided that since the nation has reverted to the 80’s, they will too. Is Randy Wright still around? Lynn Dickey?

Bortleback

Jim McMahon is on the bench, but he’s wearing a Bears jersey

Senor Weaselo

Afternoon not lizard people, just got out of rehearsal, it’s my trip around the sun day, let’s see if I get in bourble.

Doktor Zymm

Congrats on the additional miles flying through space!

laserguru

Congrats and enjoy

Doktor Zymm

Dear Jordan Reed. You are awesome. Please try not to damage your brain too much. Also, you would probably look better without the pencil mustache. Unless that facial hair helps to protect your brain, in which case, carry on.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hell or High Watermelon tastes better at altitude.

...

That’s one of the few craft beers I’ve had that I genuinely though was horrible.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Doktor Zymm

Ugh. I want to go to the bar on the corner, I get about a million miles/$ there, and they make a damn fine BLT with sweet potato waffle fries, but I really, really don’t want to watch the Bears game. Also, it will be full of very loud groups of people there for brunch.

...

Cutler just successfully channeled his inner Sex Cannon.

...

I’ll miss him when he’s gone.

fleshwound_NPG

fuck all dis, gonna walk the dog with the wifey here in a minute

fleshwound_NPG

HOLY SHIT CATLERBOMB

fleshwound_NPG

LOL BUCS

...

My Hope meter is 100% unchanged but that was pretty sweet to watch.

litre_cola

Take Tajai Sharpe they said, he is Mariottas favourite target they said. They have 35 points and that sonofabitch only has 21 yards!!!

Spur

Are the Chiefs a great team or a terrible team? I can never tell.

litre_cola

Yes.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I’ve been asking myself the same thing all season.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I appreciate Red Zone torturing me by keeping it on Bears-Bucs as much as possible.

...

Might as well pile on the suffering now so we can get used to it.

...

All of this is building to a Cowboys-Patriots Super Bowl. It’s really the sort of thing we’d get considering our collective sins.

Doktor Zymm

I’ve been thinking about what brand of bleach I should drink for such an event.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

That’s the only Super Bowl match-up I could never bring myself to watch.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I thought that was Donald Trump…

Gratliff

It is the “President Donald Trump” of Super Bowls.

Romonobyl

And Dallas will score the most points, but the Pats will still win on a technicality.

...

It took me a moment to get this but I’m glad I’m waited for it.

Doktor Zymm

Next time I go home, I’m gonna find Blair Walsh begging for change in the shadow of the Washington Monument, aren’t I?

Romonobyl

I see the exhibition games are in full swing. I’m looking forward to the real games this afternoon.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Blair Walsh missed an extra point.

Pray for his testicles.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

They’re already in a jar in Zimmer’s office.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Those are raisins