Your “Can I Have Some Sweet, Sweet Release?” Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

Oh hello there folks. Have you been weighed down by the Bottomless Shitfire of the last few days, weeks or months? Yeah, myself as well. I sure could go for a distraction right about now. Are you up for it, NFL? You see, despite what your marketing department tried to convey to me, I never thought that you were some sort of “lifestyle” or “family” or even that you *really* cared about women’s health issues or people that chose to serve in the military. That stuff plays well to the ad guys and is a “safe space”. No, your institution is a distraction, a vehicle by which myself and my brethren here on this site and in countless other places on-line and off can forget about other things for a while. What say you, NFL-are you up for it? I hope you are…. TO THE GAMES!

GB/Ten-Two teams with talent that are Yertle The Turtle-ing their way thru the sked. This one should end up with qb’s Rodgers and Mariota flinging the ball because neither can get its running game going for differing reasons. Advantage: Rodgers.

Min/Was-Streak-happy Minny will try to put up a W once again after losing 3 straight. Despite those losses they only give up a paltry 15.8 points per game on average-that’s #1 in the league. Lt Williams of the Redacteds, one of the best, is lost for 4 games due to the old “banned substances” thing. Qb Cousins was the player that benefited most from Williams’ play and now he’ll have to do without. He might be okay though-he’s on a pace to throw for over 4,900 yds. which would blast the record that he set last year of 4,166.

Chi/TB-The Bears ambushed the Vikes just before their bye week for their second win and are beginning to get healthy-they’ll now get starting guards Sitton and Long back in the mix. Tampa finally has rb Martin back at practice though it’s not clear if he’s ready to go. Nice timing on his part as the Bucs only have James and rb Barber to run with the ball. No such concerns for the Bears-rook rb Howard is playing lights-out. Something has to break here-Chicago has yet to win on the road and Tampa doesn’t have a home win yet. So…a tie?

KC/Car-The 6-2 Chiefs quietly continue along their “best team no one talks about/takes seriously” path. Qb Smith keeps doing his thing, rb Ware steps into Charles’ huge shoes and discovers they fit fine and te Kelce maintains his ascent up the te rankings towards second-best in the league. (Although his opposite number in this game might say something about that) The Panthers have cobbled together two straight wins including an ugly-as-hell 13-10 snoozer vs. the Rams last week.

Atl/Phi-The Falcons “Balls-To-The-Wall” O keeps rolling along. No matter if they win or lose they’re going to score at least 20, more likely 30, or even 40 points as Tampa found out last week. I’d say that qb Ryan should grab 2nd place in mid-season MVP honours behind Brady. The Eagles blasted out of the gate in surprising style but in 4 of their last 5 have re-discovered their inner-Phillyness.

LA/NYJ-“JUST START GOFF AND PETTY AND GET IT OVER WITH!”-The Gods of Bleerg

Den/NO-Denver and its care-taker qb lead the league in 3-and-outs. I think that might put a wee bit more pressure on Denver’s Talib-less secondary but they should be up to it. Brees will counter with his strategy of too many Cooks, Sneads and Thomaii. (?) It’s the run D that has some Broncs fans a bit worried-they rank 14th and gave up 5.1 to the Raiders last week. Luckily for them, the Saints can only counter with the ever-disappointing Mark Ingram.

Hou/Jax-The Texicans are looking for their first road win and outside of Cleveland, Jacksonville looks like the best place to find one. Not earn, “find”. One tends to think of the defensive side of the field when Houston is mentioned but their turnover stats are atrocious. They’ve but 6 to date this year. That averages out to just under “Jesus Christ-That’s Pathetic!” per game. The only team with less (5) is the Jags. If you need him, wr Hurns has passed his concussion test.

There you have it-a bunch of wee tidbits that serve as an excuse to talk about football. (Man, am I ever cynical today!) NOW, GO GET ‘EM, GO-GETTERS!!!

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Romonobyl

Thanks for that Atlanta…at least you could have gotten me drunk first.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Both Denver and Kansas City pull off miraculous wins on the road.

I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise.

Doktor Zymm

Is this some sort of early 90’s flashback year? Should I invest in tech stocks?

Bortleback

I have to say, the early games started boring, but there have been some good endings!

Romonobyl

I’ve had happier endings, but that costs extra.

Gratliff

Ladies and gentlemen, the Aints.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Papa Commander has arrived with beer and food for the Bolts game, so I will catch you fine folks for the night game.

Doktor Zymm

I will watch the BATTLE OF THE BIRDS and then I will GO TO THE BAR

Senor Weaselo

If you came to this bar you could buy me birthday drinks!
/Aforementioned bar is about, let’s see, 800
miles away?

Doktor Zymm

That does sound fun, but my teleporter is broken 🙁
Please accept this virtual mojito pitcher in recompense!
http://www.thatsnerdalicious.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/giant-mojito.jpg

Smithchez

They events, they’ve turned!

Trevor Semen

Don’t you think your name should be Fitzsmithchez

Romonobyl

Leftover grilled chicken and pineapple pizza is far better than it sounds.

Smithchez

comment image

fleshwound_NPG

anytime you see a swastika (you’ll see a few here and there these days), just turn it into a Win95 logo

comment image

Doktor Zymm

Genius!

Smithchez

Stupid fucking Jets.

http://i.imgur.com/YfkDrud.gif

I want to be happy about the draft position improvement, but they’ll fuck that up too.

Gratliff

Eagles have beaten pre-crisis Minnesota, pre-crisis Pittsburgh, and are about to beat Atlanta. Falcons meltdown imminent.

Senor Weaselo

Did the Jets just lose on the NFL Street GIMME DAT? Yes.

Spur

Who’s ready for a Ryan Matthews fumble?

Doktor Zymm

Happy with the DC win, but I do feel bad for the Vikes. I think someone has been shipping Malk to the Minny facility.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

comment image

Senor Weaselo

Gotta get that Vitamin R, Dok.

litre_cola

Great work on Matt Ryan telegraphing that pass. My pug could have read that and he is blind in one eye.

Romonobyl

Atlanta, you pull this off and I promise not to touch myself before Dallas scores it’s first TD in the next game, Deal?

Doktor Zymm

What if it’s just field goals? You gonna wait a week?

Romonobyl

As in seven days??? What kind of evil monster are you?

Doktor Zymm

Atlanta ain’t gonna pull it out anyway, I was just investigating the fine print of your proposed deals.

Smithchez

Fitting way for that Vikings game to end.

Doktor Zymm

Viking’s tackle down. I think I’m watching the end of the season for Minnesota.

Smithchez

Is it just me, or have there been a lot of really, REALLY stupid unnecessary roughness penalties in the last few weeks?

Doktor Zymm

Not when Cam’s in the play!

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Why is Packers/Titans still in the third quarter?

JustStopDude

BECAUSE YOU TOUCH YOURSELF!!!

Shogun Marcus

Triplette is convinced if he buys Bleergh enough indulgences he will gain omniscience.

Doktor Zymm

Prevent is a fuckin horrible way to run a D.

Smithchez

They should honestly rename it. “Prevent” makes it sound like there’s some sort of effectiveness involved.

Doktor Zymm

To be fair, they don’t specify what they’re preventing…..

Romonobyl

It’s only half as effective as pulling out.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I disagree

– Lovie Smith

/ Calls timeout
// Challenges your comment
/// Puts Chris Conte as the last line of defense

Shogun Marcus

Doesn’t work for Catholics. Or their clergy.

JustStopDude
Romonobyl

Is it a bad sign if I reheat my coffee in the microwave and it bursts into flames? I knew I should have used bottled water.

Doktor Zymm

Dude, put it out quick! All the booze will burn off!

Spanky Datass

John Lynch calling a game is a glaring example of the dangers of head trauma.

Shogun Marcus

I think either France or Poland said it first.

fleshwound_NPG

Spell defenSe right or face deportation!

Shogun Marcus

Bleergh is going to be bigger than Reid and the Ryan boys the way he keeps getting fed.

fleshwound_NPG

no two fav sports teams/people of mine are not on firecomment image

Senor Weaselo

Awwww…

Doktor Zymm

It’s like I’m some sort of Psi-chic.

...

Are you proud of that pun? You’re proud of it, aren’t you?

Doktor Zymm

Not particularly, it’s from a misspelt sign I used to walk past a lot in NYC

...

Last week walking down Humboldt Parkway I saw a One Way sign that had a sticker on it that read “Wipe That Shitty Fuckin’ Look Off Your Face.”

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Tie-chic would have been ideal.

...

Eugh. A Bears fan with a W flag at the Bucs game.

I hate everything.

Doktor Zymm

GEE IT’S ALMOST LIKE THE SKINS DID GREAT GETTING TO THE REDZONE AND ARE NOW STALLING AND WILL SETTLE FOR A FIELD GOAL LIKE I SAID WOULD HAPPEN!

Gratliff

Goddamn, Ryan Matthews. 62 points in Insanity so far.

Gratliff

I don’t agree with that PI flag. It was clearly uncatchable, as it hit an Eagle squarely in the hands.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

That’s an early banner contender right there.

Smithchez

I think a Rams safety followed by a missed Nick Folk field goal as time expires is probably the most Jets/Rams this game could possibly end.

Gratliff

HOw is the Washington-Minny game almost at the 2 min warning?

...

SPEED FOOTBALL

Doktor Zymm

Not all that many penalties, weirdly enough. And a small amount of hurry up offense.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Safety for the safety gods in Bears-Bucs. You can guess how.

litre_cola

Indifference?

Shogun Marcus

Don’t care?

fleshwound_NPG

CATTYSAFETY

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I missed the 3rd quarter helping my dad with website building stuff. I see I should have just stayed away.

Doktor Zymm

Minns/Skins has been pretty watchable

Smithchez

Afternoon, gents. It’s nice to see the horror that is the last week has done nothing to alter the play of the Jets. Shitty feelings are still familiar feelings, and that’s a comfort.

Doktor Zymm

Did the NFL fire all its marketing people? Are they seriously trying to use The Dress, to get people to watch Thursday night football?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

They’re just giving us commercials with the same watchability as Thursday Night Football.

Senor Weaselo

How will the Jets lose to RAMIT? Let’s see what happens!

Doktor Zymm

Okay, here’s what’s gonna happen. DC will get three points off this interception, the Vikes will get a TD, but miss the extra point, OT. No one will do shit, TIE.

Gratliff

Goddamn, Eric Berry.

Doktor Zymm

DC called for having flabby triceps.

...

My cable company is offering a channel called Dog TV that is 100% content just for dogs.

It’s $4.99 a month.

litre_cola

Like dog porn?

Doktor Zymm

But is it BY dogs?

...

I don’t actually have a dog. I’m just wondering if the channel is some sort of visual lobotomy I can give myself.

Romonobyl

I saw that in a hotel room on a road trip. Looks pretty weird to me, it supposedly is broadcast using “dog-friendly” colors. Seems like a waste of 5 bucks.

Doktor Zymm

No one will ever question Sam Bradford’s toughness? Haven’t we done that lots already?

Gratliff

It’s kind of secondary to the whole “Ability” issue.

...

Is there any team that’s more fun to see fail after being over-hyped than the Eagles?

...

I thought about them, but I generally just hate them. I don’t hate the Eagles so their failure is more fun than cathartic for me.

Doktor Zymm

Cowboys?

Horatio Cornblower

You shut the hell up.

litre_cola

Eagles were not over hyped. It was pure shock that a rookie could win 3 games to start his career. Problem is that they have no WR’s and it looks like Wentz just got Matthews killed.

...

They weren’t hyped going into the season, but the hype train got moving full speed after those three wins though.

litre_cola

I agree to this. I tempered my expectations at the bye week. I knew it wasn’t sustainable. Although beating Pittsburgh was nice.

Lord Joe Don Looney

Mike Perira reminded us that we are not playing college football.

Thanks Mike!

Shogun Marcus

Now if he could tell triplette that…

Romonobyl

He obviously hasn’t seen the Dolphin’s uniforms.

Doktor Zymm

Dustin Hopkins : fantasy gold, apparently

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

And yet, the Vikes says there is no one else better available than Walsh.