2016 Quotables (Week 10 – Submissions)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

Latest posts by blaxabbath (see all)

According to WordPress, this is blaxabbath‘s 100th [DFO] post. This is a milestone for me and that is…pathetic. But I doubt I’ll make it to 200 so, like the NFL, let’s just enjoy the ride while it lasts. Oh! Also! According to ESPN, basketball season has started. So I put up a picture of the Suns Gorilla. Just one of the most nonsensical mascot selections, I have to imagine that if the team had to come up with a mascot today it would come out as some sort of unholy mix of BOLTMAN and Otto The Orange.

[Mark Davis runs out to trademark Orangeman, Otto the Raider, and San Diego Raiders.]

In fact, so many of our great non-game entertainers are just weird, lumpy, disproportionate characters attached to a franchise — the Chicken, the Phillie Phanatic, the Chris Christie. Here in Phoenix, with the Suns being the oldest franchise, they’re the only one without a lame mascot. The Coyotes (Howler) and Cardinals (Big Red) have generic goofy animal mascots but the Diamondbacks have Baxter the Bobcat.

untitled2
These are clearly representative of one another.

So why all this talk of roundball action and team mascots? Well, if you watched any Week 10 football, you need a bit of a breather before this batch of ‘highlights’. I’ll say right now that this week could have been all special teams cuts but, frankly, I couldn’t do that to myself (let alone the rest of you). But, yeah, let’s keep wondering how interest in the NFL is way down.

Finally, if you’ve come here to find out if Blair Walsh shanked another extra point this week, the answer is yes but I’m not even bothering with the imagery.


Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco celebrates a touchdown pass against the Cleveland Browns by performing the Mannequin Challenge.

Los Angeles Rams punter Johnny Hekker punts the ball 78-yards to the New York Jets.
Los Angeles Rams punter Johnny Hekker punts the ball 78-yards to the New York Jets.

New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning reacts to throwing an interception against the Cincinnati Bengals.
New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning reacts to throwing an interception against the Cincinnati Bengals.

San Diego Chargers safety Dwight Lowery reacts after giving up a touchdown to the Miami Dolphins.
San Diego Chargers safety Dwight Lowery reacts after giving up a touchdown to the Miami Dolphins.

New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski drops a pass against the Seattle Seahawks.
New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski drops a pass against the Seattle Seahawks.

The Chicago Bears commit a safety against the Tampa Bay Bucaneers.
The Chicago Bears commit a safety against the Tampa Bay Bucaneers.

Washington Redskins quarterback Kirk Cousins argues a call with officials during a game against the Minnesota Vikings.
Washington Redskins quarterback Kirk Cousins argues a call with officials during a game against the Minnesota Vikings.

Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback Blake Bortles throws an interception against the Houston Texans.
Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback Blake Bortles throws an interception against the Houston Texans.
blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
Please Login to comment
48 Comment threads
50 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
20 Comment authors
LemonJelloblaxabbathJerBear50Moose -The End Is Well NighWCS Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
JerBear50
JerBear50

Blax, does WordPress keep track of how many of your comments have sent Sill into a tirade?

JerBear50
JerBear50

I haven’t seen the Rams kick anything that hard since the collective balls of St Louis.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
WCS

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/6Jy7IilDNIJSE.gif
Wintergreen non-fat ice milk tonight!

WCS
BrettFavresColonoscopy

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/10k8DYpLsP1DXO.gif?resize=480%2C270

And even though Goff won’t get any closer to the endzone than this, Jeff Fisher will still keep his job.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

Bortles: “What do you mean, bad throw? THE GAME IS CALLED FUCKING FOOTBALL, AFTER ALL!”

Doktor Zymm

Kirk is merely demonstrating to the ref that he isn’t hiding a shiv up his butt.

entropy

If that were a Vine, the sound would just be one long “hnnnnnnggghhhhh” sound.

jjfozz

Just wanted to say FUCK YOU to the cocksucking, ass eating, bullshit spewing client who fucking cancelled our meeting today while I was driving to their offices. Which, by the fucking way, are located in Middle of Fucking Nowhere, Va.

Jesus christ I hate the goddamn countryside.

Can I reschedule? Sure. Can I fucking dig your eyes out of your goddamn skull with a spoon?
Wonderful.

Fucking twats.

LemonJello
LemonJello

1) As always, that’s some fine hate, lofty hate, even.

b) Totally justified. Assclowns don’t have the common courtesy to value your time as much as their own? Fuck ’em with a rusty corn auger. Twice.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Hey! Sporks work GREAT for that too. Bring several as the plastic will break if applied to hastily.

entropy

You guys seem to forget the most useful of utensil drawer misfits, the apple corer. That thing was made to create new fuckholes in the scumbag portion of humanity.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Those work great too; however they are not nearly as common.

entropy

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

Imagine your pain is a white ball of healing light. That’s right, the pain itself, is a white ball of healin— nope, wait, that’s just the glow from the cross burning in the front yard. Never mind.

LemonJello
LemonJello

comment image

jjfozz

What a complete and total piece of shit. Sorry, two pieces of shit. “I’m not a racist.” Oh, okay. That comment was a misprint. Totally cool.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Ms. Obama’s resume:
http://www.biography.com/people/michelle-obama-307592#synopsis

Ms. Trump’s resume:
Foreign model works in country illegally, fucks rich married guy, marries same after divorce.

No, no they were totally not racist; how could you interpret it that way?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

If comparing a black woman to an ape isn’t racist, then what the fuck is it? And since when did softcore porn models become “classy” to conservation rural folks?

One of the most sobering realizations of this election for me is realizing words don’t actually mean anything any more.

jjfozz

Here’s hoping that the woman’s replacement is a strong, proud black woman. I mean, if they can even find a black person in that town. I’m sure they moved out long ago because, well, why in fuck would you want to be surrounded by cousin-fucking hillbillies?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

At least the cycle of overreaction is in full force. I’m fine that these women are being shamed, but not that they’re getting death threats.

And I absolutely love the idea that the woman who posted the initial comment is going to sue other people for slander. Good luck with that.

entropy

There is only one silver lining to this sorry-ass outcome of the election: all of these inbred hate-filled assholes are now emboldened enough to display their hatred openly and proudly, and we’ll all know them for the shitbags they are.

Doktor Zymm

“How dare they say I said the thing I said!”

entropy

It’s like no one has been paying attention for years… these assholes ALWAYS say that. They say something outrageous, get a well-deserved response (aside from the death threats, that shit’s unnecessary), and then cry they’re being oppressed and having their First Amendment Rights trampled on… yet these same fucks hate the Press, and think anyone critical of their way of thinking should be shouted down, prevented from speaking at all, or violently dealt with immediately.

Things aren’t gonna get better any time soon.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
LemonJello
LemonJello
Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Is he learning how to clap?

LemonJello
LemonJello

Possibly trans-dimensionally or across the space/time continuum?

nomonkeyfun
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
nomonkeyfun

This is what we do with mouthy women in Trump’s America.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, I thought it was what hipster couples did to get more natural fiber. My bad.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That, plus yours is funnier… or as they say in Trump’s America; mores funnierist.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
LemonJello
LemonJello

Recycling/revamping my first banner quote:
http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/wnNIfFB5ZstXO.gif
Another abortle like this and the RNC will be clamoring to defund the Jaguras

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
LemonJello
LemonJello
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/XkVBpzw5AQo8M.gif?resize=480%2C270

Did Gronk giggle about getting double-teamed at the postgame presser?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

LemonJello
LemonJello

“Grumble, grumble, grumble. This one doesn’t have all my MILF porn on it! Grumble.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
LemonJello
LemonJello

Hypnotic.

Moose, you’re doing the deity of your preference’s good works.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

For the tie-in; it is Tommy Brady’s then-future-wife dancing to Bill’s future electronic frustration.

Wait, I need to rethink that.

LemonJello
LemonJello

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/btBJIZo5FlU5y.gif

He lurks in the shadows under the cover of a lineman. The hero Chicago deserves, but not the one they need right now. He is.. Catman.

/Sorry not sorry

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I think Blake Bortles overlearned the lesson when his girlfriend kept repeating “My eyes are up here”

Senor Weaselo

Kam Chancellor: “Footballgram for Gronk!”
Gronk: “Gronk like football…”
*Looney Tunes theme starts*
*Sound of Thomas’s hit*
*Looney Tunes theme concludes*

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

SonOfSpam

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/6Jy7IilDNIJSE.gif

(tries to fart simultaneously with fist pump)
(tries harder)
(holds fist pose even longer while still trying to fart)
(tries to fart as hard as he can)
(sharts)
(still beats Cleveland)

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Wait. WAIT!

I have something for this.

(thinks)

Gaseous Clay!

LemonJello
LemonJello

Joe Flatus?

Enrico Pallazzo

Cousins: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THIS IS A PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE BULKY TURTLENECK!

Cutler: “Nice play, Jay.” (turns to anyone willing to listen) “Shoot me up with all of your steroids so I can get out of here for a month.”–Alshon Jeffery

SonOfSpam

http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/9LpsQ72ScwLhC.gif

Bismillah! No we will not let you go – let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go – let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go let me go
Will not let you go let me go (never)
Never let you go let me go
Never let me go ooo
No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

FUCK YOU! NO ONE LIKES NEW ENGLAND-STYLE RIBS.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

New England-style ribs: The secret is to crack them open and leak marrow all over the meat.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Banner pic: I’m glad to see Tunison is keeping himself busy.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

For the banner photo:

“The Ben is confused as to why you laugh when he calls himself ‘Silverback.'”

Fronkenshteen

DeNiro! DeNiro! Pacino! Pacino! BRANDO!!!!

Fronkenshteen
Fronkenshteen

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/DEOxyaQFeLdDi.gif
You know you’re having a bad night when it even takes you a few seconds to understand the jokes they’re taunting you with.

Fronkenshteen

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/XkVBpzw5AQo8M.gif
THIS EARL THOMAS, I CALL HIM A WALKING STEREOTYPE BECAUSE HE’S BLACK AND HE LOVES TO TAKE OUT RIBS.

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

Oh..

Fronkenshteen

I tried to craft it to make fun of the stereotype. Fail, huh? Shit.

JerBear50
JerBear50

Meh, doesn’t matter anymore. This is the United States of Alt-right

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/YT8H8TVbCMeTS.gif?resize=480%2C270

Should’ve had him! DAMNIT! I’m going to finish this tantrum as half-assed as I finished that play!

LemonJello
LemonJello

http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/YT8H8TVbCMeTS.gif
“The eyes of BOLTMAN are upon me, I mustn’t damage the sacred board of dry erase!”

Fronkenshteen

Flacco: “YEAH!!!”

Offensive Coordinator: “I’m fucking your wife.”

Fronkenshteen
laserguru

He’s gone! He’s finally gone!!
Blair Walsh finally succumbs to injuries sustained from rectal wolverine activities.

Adios motherfucker!

LemonJello
LemonJello

When reached for comment, the wolverine released a statement:
“Rectum? I damn near killed ’em!”

Fronkenshteen

I’ll bet he even misses his flight.

LemonJello
LemonJello

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/6Jy7IilDNIJSE.gif?resize=480%2C270

” I hope I don’t lose my Best Foods Mayonnaise sponsorship over this over-the-top display of emotion.”

LemonJello
LemonJello

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/DEOxyaQFeLdDi.gif
And just like that, Eli’s hopes of getting a DQ Sundae on the ride home are dashed.

LemonJello
LemonJello

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/10k8DYpLsP1DXO.gif
These Jets receivers stay out of ANY endzone like it’s a UN mandated “No Fly Zone”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t have time, but there’s probably a good Joseph Heller joke there with the Johnny Hekker one, if anyone is so inclined.

LemonJello
LemonJello

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/XkVBpzw5AQo8M.gif
“And much like the penicillin-resitant strain of VD he carries, Gronk just keeps coming back.”

LemonJello
LemonJello

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/btBJIZo5FlU5y.gif

Don’t Care Level: Catler doesn’t even bother covering up the turds he leaves on the field.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Alternate:
“THESE BEARS, I CALL NEWBORNS BECAUSE THEY’RE SHITTING THEMSELVES ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE.”

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/9LpsQ72ScwLhC.gif?resize=480%2C270

Though he tried his best, Kirk could not cover all the racist imagery on his person at the time.

LemonJello
LemonJello

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/wnNIfFB5ZstXO.gif
“This isn’t even a real team we’re playing! I AM TERRIBLE AT FOOTBALL!”

LemonJello
LemonJello

http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/9LpsQ72ScwLhC.gif
“Black & white man keep taking land from my tribe, put entire [REDACTEDS] nation on Trail of Tears!”

LemonJello
LemonJello

Alternate:
“THIS OFFICIATING CREW, I CALL AN ALABAMA FAMILY REUNION BECAUSE THEY’RE TRYING TO FUCK COUSINS.”

\Couldn’t resist. Sorry/Not Sorry.

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/DEOxyaQFeLdDi.gif?resize=480%2C270

Eli never liked sharing, but he’s learning to get better at it!

entropy

Rams/Jets: That 78-yard punt represents the longest completed catch in either team’s history.

Gronk: GRONK CATCH BA— and, then suddenly, my mind expanded, encompassing all there was in the known universe. I could calculate pi to 278 places; I understood what lay in the vast distances between sta— GRONK HEAD HURT.

LemonJello
LemonJello

I don’t think the Gronk one can be topped.