If you haven’t felt the season fly by fairly quickly, I envy you and wish you well in your battle with acne. You see, as one ages time tends run faster. Someone that may or may not be smarter than me attributes this phenomenon to the fact that there is a distinct lack of “firsts” that occur as we grow older. These “first times” (getting a license, getting laid, killing a hobo, marrying a hobo’s widow, OD-ing on laundry detergent, changing underwear, etc.) are reference points by which our memory marks time. With a decreasing amount of fresh reference points, time feels as though it has sped up. That’s the theory, anyway. What’s that you say, “Shut up, scotchy. I didn’t come here to have some half-assed brain fart of a theory with more holes in it than a colander shoved in my face against my will by some drunk whose rancid breath I can smell from here!” My, aren’t we cranky this morning… TO THE GAMES!
Pit/Cle-The Steelers have lost 3 straight on the road and it gets worse-4 of their next 5 are away. Not sure if Kessler or McCown are starting today but you’re right, it makes no matter. If you’re the type to be concerned with that you’re also curious about exactly how the deck chairs were arranged on the Titanic. It looks as though 8-8 or 9-7 is going to take the AFC North so Pit needs this to stay on the Ravens heels.
Bal/Dal-Speaking of the Ravens, it looks as though the Cowboys are going to do the Steelers a solid. (is that still used?) Dallas is favoured by 8 the last time I looked and Baltimore always loses by single digits so that’s a tough call. How the Ravens manage to stay close when Flacco has a 9/9 TD/Int ratio is beyond my comprehension. One TD per game? Wow. DAK! has thrown for 35 less yards and is at 14/2. So how does he pull that off when his fave target is Cole Freakin’ Beasley? I think this is the final confirmation that there is no governing intelligence in the universe.
Jax/Det-Qb Chunky Lardtrough is having him quite the season. It looks as though this might lead to a very healthy contract that he’ll not come remotely close to performing up to. Still, that kind of money buys a lot of Keebler elves and who really can put a price on their tasty cookies? The Jags “Fire Gus Bradley” movement continues apace in the form of god-awful play on the field and thinly-disguised despair in the locker room.
Ten/Ind-Both teams have alternated wins with losses for the last 5 weeks. Given that they each lost last week, logic dictates that they both must lose today. I don’t know how they’re going to pull it off but I have tremendous faith in the mediocrity of these teams. Two teams enter, both dissemble.
Buf/Cin-Much like an unwanted fan on a Wimbledon court, the Bills are streaking. After 2 losses, 4 wins and another 2 losses they look to the spaghetti chili basket of America for their next W. Bengal fans have been near-unanimous in their agreement that a sub-par O-line has sabotaged their season. As evidence they point to qb Dalton getting roughed up by a Giants D that heretofore couldn’t apply pressure with a warehouse full of bicycle tire pumps. Rex and Rob are going to watch some tape and blitz like Rommel in the desert. Wr Green will get his like he always does but it won’t be enough.
TB/KC-The most boring 7-2 team in the league raises its boring head. They’re tied with the Raiders atop the AFC West so they need this game vs. Tampa and will most likely get it. That’ll make 6 wins in a row and then their sked tightens up quite a bit. They have the Broncs (X2), Falcons and Raiders up ahead. What is there to say about the Bucs except that which has already been said?
Chi/NYG-The sulkiest sulker that ever shrugged his shoulders and rolled his eyes is trying to lead the Bears to the promised land of the second overall draft pick in 2017. That’s a thoughtful going-away present, isn’t it? Who says he doesn’t care? (everyone) To help things along wr Jeffrey has done his part by departing. HC Fox has also developed a new drill in practice-it’s called “throwing in the towel”. Fox maintains that, “It’s not just for the quarterbacks, it’s something everyone on the team can do.”
Ari/Min-Minny’s recent tumble might just be related to the loss for the year of 3 starting O-line guys. There’s only so many “Next Man Up!(s)” any team can pull off. The Cards had high expectations yet half of their 4 wins have come courtesy of the Niners. This game has “ugly mess” written all over it.
Now, GET YE TO YER BUNKERS AND START FIRING!!!
Haha Giants.
hey, way to not let Howard have the TD, assdicks
After 15 god dam minutes of trying, I just got evidence there is an Eskimos/REDBLACKS game.
Thought 1: WOOOOO! Blizzard game! Those are the best!
Thought 2: Holy cow, the Eskimos are shitting the igloo today.
Najeh Davenport is playing in the CFL?
fat man make TheBen go owie
Hey, the Jags have a lead against the Lions. Good Job.
ARI moves down the field with zero issues from their own six before stalling in the red zone.
Fucking SUCK!
Vampire teeth mouthguard is the best blend of tacky and badass
It’s close to being the “truck nuts” of the NFL.
How on earth is Pittsburgh only up by three?
Why does a cat play with a mouse before he eats it?
Why does an Western lowland gorilla play with a kid before he… Too soon?
Radio: “Bad news: AJ Green out for the rest of the…”
Me: (gasp)
Radio: “…”game.”
Me: (Rocking in fetal position) He’ll be okay. He’ll be okay. He’ll be okay. He’ll be okay.
Relax; WRs don’t need hamstrings.
3-3 barnburner in Kansas City
/the barn had a pro-Clinton slogan painted on it, so it was pretty much asking for trouble.
As long as the teams don’t make token appearances and assumes that they’ll get the votes because they’re entitled, they’ll be fine.
Holy shit, Tyrod, throw the damn ball.
I’d be very concerned about this Cowboys’ challenge but Fouts said it was a catch so it’ll probably be overturned.
Dammit, the Fouts Corollary has failed us!
More Eli fluffing.
HIS SHITTINESS IS ACTUALLY GOOD BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO WIN.
Proposal to have commercials still exist during a football game while not impeding too much:
Do what the World Cup of Soccer used to do in the mid 90s-early 00s with commercials. Have a double screen appear and you get a short commercial. I think this could work while the players setup shop for the kickoff.
Fox was doing this for World Series games and it was actually pretty tolerable.
Or just paint all their helmets to look like Cialis pills.
What will probably happen: there is a double screen with a commercial, but it’s there for the entire game
aaaaAAAHHHHH!!!! A knee isn’t supposed to bend that way!
I think pretty much every team in the league has someone on a four game PED suspension. Seems to me that there’s no unfair advantage if everyone is doing it. Require PEDs!
There is no such thing as a non_creepy mascot
In the distance, a dejected stomp stomp CLAP!
Oh dear god.
This makes Boltman look like a cuddly puppy.
I believe that is, in scientific terms, a fuck-ton of nightmare fuel.
Awww…loogit the cute lil’ baby!!!
http://a.fssta.com/content/dam/fsdigital/fscom/NBA/images/2014/2/25/022514-NBA-pelicans-make-pierre-less-scary-ahn-3.vadapt.980.high.53.jpg
Shit you beat me!
This close-up is a megafuck-ton of nightmare fuel. Jeebus wept.
WHERE THE WHITE WOMEN AT??
/oh, hai Dok!!!
They all went to the Trump rally, apparently.
That was so confusing because the internet told me white women wanted a Lady who summons dragons to set things on fire as president.
On a related note, politician X is Game of Thrones or Harry Potter Y Character is probably a reason why Murrica is in the current situation
So on the Bears game we are gonna do commercial break > one play > commercial break > kickoff> commercial break > one play > commercial break for the end of the quarter.
I wonder why ratings are going down NFL
They really need a rule to cap the number of commercials in a 10-15 minute window.
Seriously.
It feels like that over in Dallas and only one TD has been scored. There’s like no pace to this game whatsoever. So I’ve changed the game.
Those signing bonuses add up quickly, gots ta pay da bills.
THIS RAVENS TEAM, I CALL THEM MY MOST-MISSED EX GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE THEY ARE CRAZY ABOUT THE “D”.
I don’t like every team in the NFC East being good.
I think the Iggles and Redacteds kinda suck now. Wait until later today.
The Eagles flailing is fun to watch, but we really need to root against the Cowboys to avoid the Hell Bowl.
Way ahead of ya, I’ve been rooting against the Cowboys for YEARs
Dak just got drilled
Maple Football: Anyone going to watch the Stampeders/Liouns game tonight? I’m thinking upset. I’d be more confident about this if a few of the Lions players weren’t being held together with duct tape, but, I still think they can do it.
Just got the teevee up, assume that was Royal’s 10th catch?
Why are the Titans spotting Indy 2 tds? They know they aren’t actually that good, right?
CBS Announcer: “Elliot is already elite”
/Flacco hears the sentence from afar.
/sheds a tear
Dak needs to stop floating the ball so much. He’s gonna get Zeke or a WR killed out there.
I know its Buffalo, but Dalton and the Bengals being able to move the ball without Green is reassuring.
I guess Dallas just remembered it was legal to run to the outside.
Steelers up 3-0 over the factory. INSURMOUNTABLE LEAD
They should spot the Browns 17 points.
Anyone viewing CLE/PIT?
And do the Browns have a chance in hell there?
Why hello, good Cutler
This is why I keep insisting the Chiefs aren’t as good as everyone says they are.
Cardinals going to force me to watch all four quarters before special teamsing/PalmerINTing this one away.
I would say seems likely, but the vikes are just as handi-capable as of late.
Ravens imposing their will so far
I wasn’t aware that that involved anything more than stubbornly sitting on a bust of Pallas, so thank you for the update.
They better be careful; you never go full Rothlisberger.
Are Cowboys fans chanting “Romo” already or are they just reacting to a guy that got seen drinking mineral water and I’m mishearing them?
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2015/06/29/01/2A114B0E00000578-3142619-image-a-144_1435537594228.jpg
Terrence “That’s how the West was Won” down!
Is it already happening?
Gould: anything you can miss, I can miss worse.
member when he was Solid Gould?
Yeah, 2005 was a good year
GOOD AS GOULD!
/lashes self with whip
EXTRA POINTS ARE SUPER HARD YALL
I hope all the extra points are missed in this game.
Perhaps Mister Winkles can be loaned out?
So, every single team in the league just blows at defending the run now, right? Is the pendulum gonna swing back the other way?
Damn soft passing football has made the Defensive line soft!
Perkins get the TD?
Shepard’s got the dipsy doodle as well!
How many more Dallas punts before we hear the crowd chant “ROMO…ROMO”?
I heart this happening in advance
I would love it if he said, “Fuck you guys, I want to remember my name in ten years.”
That’s my Sean Lee.
Giants rb Perkins has a wee bit of dipsy doodle in his repertoire…
Sup all?
yo
Did Garth Brooks eat Chris Gaines? Dude looks…..healthy.
Goddamnit, why isn’t my shady offshore RedZone stream working? Now I’m stuck watching a single game like some kind of commoner.
Xavier would send a telegram to Hendrick if he was living that hell.