Author’s note: This post originally aired last year on the day before Thanksgiving. It was easily one of my most popular Sunday Gravy posts. I was even told it was “on fleek!” whatever the fuck that means. Since it’s once again that time of year I thought I would dust it off as a possible Thanksgiving tradition. Oh yeah, I’m not cooking for 8 this year. I’m cooking for 20. Just fuck everything.

Hi I’m Henry Hill and all my life I wanted to be a chef.

I know what you’re thinking. You fucked up. Today is the day before Thanksgiving, you’ve got about 7-8 people coming by for dinner tomorrow and you haven’t even been to the fucking grocery store yet

That’s where I come in. I’m here to help. Sure there are a lot of things to take care of but if you follow my instructions, take these ingredients and get your ass busy you can still totally pull this off.

First we’re going to need a little inspiration.

/inhales deeply

Hell yeah! First of all we’re gonna need a fucking list. It’s a big ass list so get ready. We’re going to need;

A turkey. You’ve got 8 people let’s say, a 14 lb bird ought to do it. Yes they’re frozen and you should have had this motherfucker defrosting in your refrigerator since Monday but we can still do this. Find the least frozen one.

Also get some whole milk

Half and half

2 large containers of chicken stock

dozen eggs

flour

corn meal

butter

onions

celery

garlic

5 lb bag of potatoes

cooking oil

shortening

2 cans of green beans

2 cans of cream of mushroom soup

some of those fried onion things

rolls

a frozen pumpkin pie. Don’t you fucking start with me, you’re the one that waited until the day before to get your fucking groceries.

2 cans of corn

Some sage

Some thyme

Salt and pepper

Oh shit, we’re going to need snacks. Get some cheese like 3 or 4 different kinds. Gouda, sharp Welsh cheddar, havarti, habanero jack that kind of shit. Oh and some nuts. People like cashews and almonds and shit too.

And beer. Lots and lots of beer.

Oh shit, wine too, yeah like 4 or 5 bottles.

Bourbon? Sure why not. Maybe some Irish whiskey.

And one of those goddamn aluminum roasting pans.

Good good! That’s a good place to start. Now let’s get our ass in the car and get rolling! Where? To the grocery store you stupid fuck! What have we been talking about over here?!?

No you don’t need your lucky fucking hat.

Let’s go.

I’ve got to make a quick stop at the neighbors to drop off this paper bag it won’t take but a minute. Did you see that helicopter? That’s twice I’ve seen it.

Goddamn ghetto birds. Oh here we are at the grocery store.

Holy fucking hell. Where the fuck am I supposed to park? Jesus Christ I’ve never seen this place so fucking crowded. Why the fuck did you have to wait until today to do this. Didn’t you realize the store would be a complete clusterfuck the day before Thanksgiving? Oh fuck it let’s just get it over with.

/grabs shopping cart, runs into store grabs $300 dollars worth of good while rampaging down aisles sending old women and little children scattering. Waits 20 minutes at checkout, pays, brings groceries back to car to unload them.

//RETURNS SHOPPING CART!!!

There, we’re good. They had everything we needed. Now let’s get busy cooking.

/turns up stereo

You’ve got some projects to do today my friend. No, not tomorrow. Your ass is starting to cook tonight. Wednesday night.

First we’re going to do some breads. Don’t ask why. OK you can ask. We are going to bake a batch of biscuits and cornbread to make my grandmother’s dressing. I’m not sure why it’s called dressing instead of stuffing either. I’ve heard it’s a regional thing. First of all we will NOT be stuffing anything up the turkey’s ass. I also heard that some genteel Southerners thought the word “stuffing” was a little too vulgar. I say we compromise and just call it Thanksgiving Fucking instead.

First for the cornbread. Here’s a quick link to a previous cornbread recipe that will save me the time to type the whole recipe out again. Cook the cornbread first then remove from oven and let cool overnight.

Now a batch of biscuits. We’re short of time so we’ll make some drop biscuits.

Get that oven to 400 degrees.

2 cups of flour

1 tablespoon of baking powder

1 teaspoon of kosher salt.

1 stick cold butter cut into small chunks

1 cup of whole milk.

Combine dry ingredients in a bowl and mix well. Add in the butter and using a pastry cutter cut in the butter with the dry ingredients. Mix until mixture resembles small peas. Then add a little milk at a time until you use the whole cup. Mix until just moistened.

Drop the mixture onto a baking sheet, you won’t need to grease the sheet and make sure the mixture is fairly evenly spread out. Cook for 18-20 minutes until golden brown. Remove from oven and let cool overnight along with the cornbread. If you were to not let the breads dry the dressing would be a little too gluey.

Wash your dishes and get some sleep. because you have to get up pretty fucking early in the morning since you dicked around and waited until the day before to get started. It’s OK to leave the turkey in the fridge overnight, we’ll get to that tomorrow.

Asshole.

Get up around 5:00 AM. Don’t fucking argue. You’re supposed to do what I tell you.

Put that still frozen turkey into a sink full of cold tap water. You’re going to have to keep changing the tap water every 30 minutes for about 7 hours. You must change the cold water every 30 minutes or else you run the risk of the top part of the turkey being exposed to bacteria. This is bad shit. Don’t do that. If we get started at 5:00 AM then the turkey will be fully defrosted by Noon and we can get that fucking thing in the oven. Remember we’re on a tight schedule here.

What about the frozen pie? You what? You promised a homemade pumpkin pie?

Why did you do that, Karen? Jesus Christ do you know what that means? Alright fuck it. Change the water for the defrosting turkey and let’s go back to the store.

There’s that goddamn helicopter again! What the fuck?

Now run into the store while I wait out here and get the stuff on this list. Follow these directions and we’ll be fine.

This recipe taken directly from Libby’s pumpkin pie.com Yes you can use a store bought pastry shell because we’ve baked enough pastry shit.

Let’s get that pie going because we’ve got other shit to do. Around Noon, get that turkey out of the sink. rinse and pat dry the turkey. Important safety note; the cruel and twisted turkey overlords will stuff a big bag-o-giblets up the turkey’s ass cavity and will also sometimes shove it’s neck up it’s neck hole. Sick fucks. I don’t really fuck around with the organ meats but some say you can make a pretty decent giblet gravy out of them. If you’re like me just cook them a little bit and if you have a dog or a cat you will make them very happy.

Take that clean, rinsed and dried turkey and get the oven going to 325. Now chop up a couple of stalks of celery about 1/2 an onion a few cloves of garlic and place them veggies in a bowl. Season with salt, pepper, 1 teaspoon of dried thyme and 1 teaspoon of dried sage. Mix all together. We are going to LOOSELY fill the turkey cavity with the onion/celery mixture. Do not overfill, it will fuck with the cooking time. If you want to practice your mad ninja turkey skills loosen up the skin over the breast with your fingers, being careful not to tear the turkey skin. Mince up about 4 more cloves of garlic and massage the garlic into the meat under the loosened skin.

Now place the bird BREAST SIDE DOWN into a roasting pan. Baste with some melted butter and get to cooking. This is going to cook for about 3 1/2 hours at 325. Check for doneness at the end with your meat thermometer. 3 1/2 hours should do it. Baste every 30-45 minutes with more butter, Another safety tip; don’t do what I did a few years back and try to flip the bird over for the last half hour to brown the breast. The turkey joints will have loosened up substantially and if you try to turn it over those legs are gonna flop around and fly open like a Kardashian and you will burn the fuck out of yourself. I have more burn scars from Thanksgiving than all of my other kitchen burn scars combined.

Remove turkey from the oven and tent with foil. It can sit for the last 45 minutes while we get in to our “speed round”. It needs to rest so the juices can settle anyway. Don’t be an impatient asshole and fuck it up.

Another note. The turkey breast may look a little pale and it won’t be one of those Better Homes and Gardens turkeys that are placed in the middle of the table. It will be the moistest and most delicious turkey you have ever had however. And fuck that putting the turkey in the middle of the dinner table and slicing shit. Carve that motherfucker in the kitchen, the table’s going to be crowded enough as is.

Speed round!

Get a saute pan and add in 3 stalks of diced celery and the other 1/2 onion also diced. Cook in olive oil for about 12 minutes until translucent. Right at the end add in 3 cloves of minced garlic and remove from heat.

Get those biscuits and cornbread we made last night and crumble them into chunks. Add in 2 eggs, the cooked celery and onion mixture, 1 can of cream of mushroom soup (sure my grandmother had cream of mushroom soup back in the 30’s, smartass we’re in a goddamn hurry here) and most of one of those containers of chicken stock. [Author’s note if you do have the time and the wherewithall use the chicken soup recipe from this post to make your own stock. It is so fucking worth it] add in some salt and pepper, probably more than you think because this is a lot of bread to season, also add in 1 teaspoon of thyme and 2 teaspoons of sage. Bake at 375 for 45 minutes until browned on top. There you go! Grandmommies Dressin’.

Now once the dressing is in the oven, mix together 2 cans of green beans, 1 more can of cream of mushroom soup, 1/2 cup of milk and about 2/3 cup of those fried onion dealies and place all into a casserole dish. Wait until the dressing has been cooking for 15 minutes then put the casserole into the oven. Bake for 25 minutes then remove and top with more of the onion crunchies and bake for 5 more. Remove let cool and serve. Once you get the green bean casserole into the oven get a pot of water boiling on the stove top and peel your damn potatoes. Cut the potatoes into about 8 chunks per potato. When the water is boiling add in the potatoes and cook until tender what about 12-15 minutes? Sure. Then remove the potatoes from the water put into a mixer or mixing bowl. My bad ass stand mixer works perfectly for this. Add in some salt, pepper, a couple of tablespoons of butter and a splash of whole milk. Blend until there are no lumps. Cover mixing bowl with foil.

There we go! The turkey is rested and ready to slice, the dressing is done, the mashed potatoes and green bean casserole is ready and the pie is cooling. Get those crappy ass rolls cooking for a few minutes and we are about….

Oh shit!

Holy fucking shit!!

KAREN!!!! Where’s the fucking gravy, Karen? What did you do with the gravy!!!!!!

No worries. Keep calm. We got this.

Grab those turkey drippings from the roasting pan and put into a sauce pan. Add in enough of the leftover chicken stock to make a decent batch of gravy. Don’t make too little gravy like an asshole. Add in some salt, pepper and begin simmering. Make a quick roux in another pot. You remember, 1 tablespoon of butter and one tablespoon of flour and cook until lightly browned. Add the roux to the gravy and cook until thickened to the desired consistency.

Open those cans of corn and get them simmering in a sauce pan.

Get your rolls out of the oven and get your gravy finished and you are fucking ready to eat. Actually you will be so damn exhausted from the speed round that all you’ll want to do is drink a few beers and rest your feet. Let everyone else eat first, especially the kids then it’s the cooks turn.

See what we did here? We did a roasted turkey, dressing from scratch, mashed potatoes, gravy, green bean casserole, some corn a pumpkin pie and some Parker House rolls for my Ma. In just a little over a day. We fucking rule.

What? Fuck sweet potatoes man. Maybe you’ll start earlier next year if you want fucking sweet potatoes.

Hey look! Jimmy, Tommy and Paulie are arriving. Holy shit this is going to be great!

/hears knock on door

[door flies open}

Oh shit! Hi officers. Would like to join us? We’re just sitting down.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you wonderful folks out there. Have a great turkey day, have many drinks and remember to hug your family.

Cheers!