The scene: The Shop Till U Drop superstore, where the motto is,“It’s cheaper to deal than steal!” The front of the store is in shambles. There’s a yuuuge hole in the center of it and rubble is strewn everywhere. People are milling about. Police are on the scene, setting up yellow tape and interviewing witnesses. A Channel 17 Action News van arrives, and the news team (led by 4-time Asner Award runner-up Liza Lisa) piles out of it.

Liza Lisa (speaking into her microphone): I’m Liza Lisa, and we are here live at the Shop Till U Drop, where there was an incident yesterday that has left the store in shambles.

Liza Lisa spots a Shop Till U Drop store manager (wearing his store-mandated olive green vest with peach-colored piping, and a badge that reveals his name as Ernie) and makes a beeline over to him.

Liza Lisa: Sir! Can you tell us what happened here?

Ernie (still dazed): I got no idea…I was just doing my weekly employee evaluations…y’know, we have to do those every week…when there was this huge crash! I thought maybe the tire department had collapsed…again…but then I saw that there big hole, an’ I thought to myself, “Well, that’s new, ain’t it?” ‘Cuz we had that sinkhole out back last year…swallowed the whole damn playground over by the Buster Burger…

Liza Lisa: But did you see what happened here today?

Store Manager Ernie (grinning and slicking his hair back): Gosh, you sure are purty.

Liza Lisa (breaking off the interview to catch up to a customer): Ma’am! Ma’am, can you tell us who you are and what you saw?

Madge (primping her hair when she spots the camera): I know you! You’re that Lisa Lisa gal from the teevee!

Liza Lisa: That’s Liza Lisa…

Madge: Well my name’s Madge, an’ I was here shoppin’ with my friend Velma…Velma works at the bank, y’know. Maybe you know her?

Liza Lisa: Sorry, I don’t think I do.

Madge: She’s got bright red hair…? Like, I used ta think it was out of a bottle, but it turns out it’s real.

Liza Lisa: So you and Velma saw what happened?

Madge: Saw it? Honey, we was right there! See, Velma needed a few cans o’ cranberry sauce for her “Cranberry-Almond Surprise.” Now, I love that woman, but I still don’t know how you can call something a “surprise” when you’re tellin’ everyone what the ingredients are!

Liza Lisa (trying to ignore Ernie, who’s leaning into the camera shot) : Go on…

Madge: So, Velma, she done grabbed all the cranberry sauce she could find, ‘cept there was one can way up on the shelf an’ she couldn’t reach it. Velma’s pretty small, y’know. She says she’s 5’2”, but that woman ain’t an inch over five feet tall!

Liza Lisa: Uh-huh.

Madge: It’s like that Tom Cruise fella! Now just who does he think he’s foolin’?

Liza Lisa (holding the microphone with one hand, and trying to shoo Ernie out of the shot with the other): I have no idea.

Madge: Whenever he’s on the screen, I tell my Donnie…that’s my husband…he’s a CPA, but that ain’t as exciting as it sounds…

Liza Lisa (stepping in front of Ernie, who is now waving at the camera): Of course.

Madge: Well, I tell him, “Donnie, why that Tom Cruise ain’t nowhere near as big as you, honey!” See, that gets him feelin’ all frisky, an’ then he goes to find his Tarzan loincloth…

Liza Lisa (interrupting quickly): So, Velma…?!!

Madge: Oh, of course! Sorry, hon, I do get carried away sometimes. It’s like Donnie always tells me, he says, “Madge, I love you dearly, an’ you fit right nice into that Jane costume, but you do go on and on sometimes.”

Liza Lisa (putting a rather impressive headlock on the persistent Ernie with her non-microphone arm): And what happened with the cranberry sauce…?

Madge: Oh, honey! Why, Velma was tryin’ to get that darn can, an’ I told her, “Velma, yer just bein’ silly now! You’ve got twelve cans already! How many do you need?” But that woman just insisted on trying to climb up the shelves for that last can. I woulda helped her, but I’ve got that darn bursitis in my shoulder…

Liza Lisa (thwacking Ernie on the head with the microphone): Yes…?

Madge: Women’s softball. I was a designated hitter back in ’88…we almost won the championship that year! If it weren’t for that darn Emma Jean Burkansky. Woman could bake a mean cobbler, but she couldn’t catch a pop fly on a clear day. Took up with our short stop a few years later. I heard they opened a bakery in Portland…

Liza Lisa (hip-tossing Ernie and putting a foot on his chest): And then what happened?

Madge: Well, they sent me wedding photos after they got hitched, an’ then they adopted a little girl… Oh! You mean with Velma? Well, she climbed up those shelves an’ was reaching for that last can when this fella just reached right over her an’ grabbed it.

Liza Lisa (holding Ernie down with her high heel): What did this man look like?

Madge: Oh, you know…he was a nice lookin’ fella an’ all, but he was wearing a Ravens jersey. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like them expansion teams… I’ve got my Packers an’ Donnie loves his Steelers…

Liza Lisa (slapping Ernie’s hand away from her ankle): Go Pack go!

Madge: So then Velma got all up this fella’s grill, like the kids say. She called him some names that maybe I shouldn’t say here on teevee an’ all…

Liza Lisa (grabbing Ernie’s wrist in her free hand and putting her foot on his throat): Good call.

Madge: So this fella’s all, “Look, lady, I need one can of cranberry sauce. Take the rest of the store, for all I care, but this can is mine.” An’ then he started walkin’ off, but Velma…well, lord love that gal an’ all, but she never lets anything go. Donnie left the toilet seat up at her place one time, an’ seventeen years later she still reminds him to put it down whenever we’re visiting.

Liza Lisa (ignoring Ernie as his face turns red): And what did Velma do?

Madge: Well, she done pulled out her Taser an’ she said, “Mister, I’m standing my ground!” An’ then the Taser went off, accidental-like I think, ‘cuz Velma looked as surprised as the fella, an’ he had a Taser dart in his butt.

Liza Lisa (ignoring Ernie as his face turns blue):And how did the man react?

Madge: Well, that Taser sure lit him up! He fell over onto the floor, and then he started growling…and then he got all big an’ purple an’ real angry…

Liza Lisa (finally taking her foot off of Ernie’s throat as he taps out furiously on the pavement): I’m sorry, did you say he got purple?

Madge: He sure did! An’ huge! He was at least seven feet tall, an’ all muscly an’ stuff… He roared at Velma an’ poor gal, she just passed right out. Then he ran through the front of the store and just kinda jumped away.

Liza Lisa (ignoring Ernie as he gulps in air): So one man did all this damage…?

Madge: Well, one big purple man.

Liza Lisa (addressing the camera again): Well, you heard it here first. This is Liza Lisa, live for Channel 17…

Cut to: The DFO clubhouse, where Ballsofsteelandfury is watching Channel 17 Action News with a shocked look on his face.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Oh, crap… That’s not good…

Cut to: A desert, where JJ Fozz is waking up on the sand. He’s only wearing his jeans, but he still has the can of cranberry sauce in his hand.

JJ Fozz (getting up): What the actual hell…? Where am I…?

JJ Fozz walks up the ridge onto a road, and spots a road sign.

JJ Fozz (reading the sign): Chihuahua…? No why would anyone name a city after those stupid dogs? And why is that sign in kilometers? I swear, if I’m in Canada again…

JJ Fozz starts the long, lonely walk down the empty road.

Cue end theme:

To be continued…