2016 Quotables – Conference Championships (Submissions)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

Latest posts by blaxabbath (see all)

Author’s Note: I started a response to Balls’ That’s It. post this morning and it got pretty long. I decided to expound upon why I still follow the NFL here, in part, because I had nothing witty to say because I didn’t watch the conference championship games (I get the irony — but I said ‘follow’, not ‘watch’).

Feel free to skip the text and get on to the gifs.  


I think part of the problem with being an NFL fan is that it’s sold (and widely consumed) as an all-in activity. You got your favorite team, your hated rival, your fantasy team, your daily fantasy betting, and your sports book betting. The season goes right through winter/Christmas so we’ve all got some piece of team gear because, “Hey! blax likes football! Here’s a Cardinals trash can for his office!” True story, I get Raiders stuff almost every Christmas because people think my fandom of Raider Nation equates to support for the team. I mean, I do like what they’re doing over there but I’m not an all-in Raiders fan. I do wear my Raider Nation tee sometimes though. It keeps me safe when I’m in the barrio.

Back to my point, I don’t think anyone really needs to watch football to like the NFL (we don’t all watch every MLB game — except for the BFIB crowd). In fact, watching the games often seems detrimental to one’s enjoyment of the league. For me, it’s been a phase. Like, attending games is fun when it’s fresh and new or a playoff/rivalry game. Then you attend that Week 10 snoozer against JAX where your backup QB is starting and he overthrows everything and the game basically grinds to a painful pace. The on-field action is shit so you really start to notice the perpetual timeouts. Then you check your bank account. Then you’re out.

So you start watching at home — which is where most of us are — and the painful commercials + awful announcing + forced #content about how this guy gives back to his community or that guy who cheated is ready to come back and contribute or how so-and-so used to be a basketball player, just ends up being too much to bear….especially when Hulu/Netflix/HBOGo mean football isn’t really the ONLY thing on tv on Sundays anymore.

Then, depending on your team, you have your Balls moment. You’re invested in a team. Won the division? Who gives a fuck? Every season. Every team. Every year. It’s Super Bowl or bust. It hurts when your team loses. For the rest of us, some years post-seasons are more intriguing than others. 2016 was shit — with a pretty garbage-heavy regular season, the AFC South still got to send a team, the Raiders busted Cook’s starter cherry in a road playoff game, and half of the remaining teams are simply not in the NFL’s marketing report often enough to have a narrative. It’s Brady — a known and convicted cheat who only appealed his case to buy time to restructure his contract so his punishment resulted in fewer lost dollars — and a MAGA fan base (who voted Hillary so remove the economic concerns of the Alt-Right and you’ve got the P*triots fan base — basically just a stadium full of Pepes) versus the black vanilla Atlanta Falcons.

Point is, for Balls and others, don’t lose hope. The NFL is terrible. We’ve covered all the negatives of the league/sport ad nauseam. But the beauty of football is that you DON’T have to watch an entire game to understand what happened. There’s usually 4-7 scoring plays (guessing here) and the box score will tell you if it was close or not. This isn’t baseball where you can put up unlimited runs in an inning. This isn’t soccer where almost scoring is a highlight. This is 21st century NFL. I know you can already get the games with the commercials cut out — next they’ll offer games with only the scoring drives.

For me, Loose Change Pete Carroll, Fat Andy Reid, Racist Dan Snyder, Coaching Guru Mike McCarthy, and ol’ Double-J are what I follow about football. Well, and maybe some Julio Jones highlights. I don’t really watch football. I try to watch the Cards before they’re eliminated from the playoffs (or they’ve not lost the game by halftime). I have other games on while I’m doing house stuff (though the announcing, admittedly, had cut this back by 50%+ last season). And, while I’m not as much of a ‘fan’ as the actors in the scripted Bud Light or Football is Family commercials, I consider myself someone who follows football. But I don’t watch most games. Hell, I just realized yesterday that I’m traveling back from Portland on February 5th — Super Bowl Sunday.

That’s right. I’m going to Oregon over the weekend of 2/4. It’s one of those places the wife has been wanting to visit and since I’m still clawing us back from the edge of bankruptcy that her wedding hung us over, this was the cheapest way to silence her need to take a trip some eight weeks after our honeymoon. But I get to go to the Arizona at Oregon State and Oregon roundball games so I get six hours of enjoyment out of the missed 20 hours of work I’ll get to make up when I get back.

Marriage — yayyyyyyy.

Anyways, I’ve made my points about how great the NFL is and how bad marriage is. So if you dudes have any input on to-do’s along the PDX –> Corvallis –> Eugene trail that isn’t criticizing silent BLM statements or being raped by a known sex offender that Dana Altman knowingly brought to UO to play basketball who ended up preying on the Duck student body, resulting in a lawsuit and costing the school a cool million dollar settlement that was well-ignored by the NCAA’s “broadcast partners” because being forced into sex against your will by a guy who’s done it before doesn’t exactly provide an image that syncs well with “One Shining Moment” — I’m all ears.

So we got a little under 24 hours in Portland proper and I’m sure as hell not going to spend that time watching a football game I don’t care about. And, frankly, I can’t think of better place to experience NFL disinterest than some microbar or whatever on the Snapface.


I already hate this week's Quotables.
I already hate this week’s Quotables.

I call this gif:
I call this gif: “Blank Canvass”

I try to warn you every week: the offseason is coming...
I try to warn you every week: the offseason is coming…

Prudent move to not put the mic in front of Bill.
Prudent move to not put the mic in front of Bill.

We actually get a lot of #content out of coaches behaving like cats.
We actually get a lot of #content out of coaches just behaving like cats.

“Awww…does the snowflake millenial need his safe space?” -Richard Spencer

“Watch Ra’Shede Hageman DESTROY Aaron Rodgers on this sack!” -Buzzfeed Sports

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“Did you get him?” -Clay Matthews, eating popcorn and giving up 44
blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.

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JerBear50
JerBear50

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Let’s go to the phones to get your thoughts on this incredible play. First up we’ve got Don I. from NYC. What say you sir?

JerBear50
JerBear50

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If this image had any more grit, it would be wrapped around a block in a carpenters workshop.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Skinny, expressionless, unjoyful, catwalk models…MEH.

Two hours later; “Hey what? I should probably blink or something.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

SFWDFO; not really showing anything.

King Hippo

Stay at the Overleaf Lodge in Yachats, OR. Pretty convenient to Eugene and Corvallis, methinks. It’s my favourite place in the whole wide world, and supposedly they get great thunderstorms over the Pacific in Jan/Feb, and I bet it would be really cool to be there then.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
litre_cola

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My LAX bro Charlton Coopersmith Sedgewich III will be so proud of me. His parents may eben invite me to the Cape this summer.

LemonJello
LemonJello
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Eben invites; TO DIE FOR!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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It’s a really good thing that Austin Collie caught that. Otherwise, Tom would have thrown him a shallow cross on the next play to make sure that he woke up tomorrow with his 3rd new identity in 5 years.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Brady had a simple message he repeated to Hogan all week in practice:

“Two words: Hunter Renfrow:

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Now that you mention it; THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME!!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Portland

* Saraveza – delightful little Packers bar/bottleshop near OSZ’s neck of the woods. Best Spanish chorizo I’ve had, including in Spain.
* City Market NW – The Stallion is the best goddamn sandwich in this city. Period.
* Reel-M-Inn – dive bar with the best fried chicken in Portland. I watched the Panthers kick the shit out of Cards there. Then the Super Bowl happened.
* Podnah’s Pit – Saturday night is prime rib. It’s awesome. If not, oh well. It also has a Sunday brunch, but I’ve never tried it.
* Smokehouse Tavern – The owner (who was recently on Chopped, per Filmdrunk, rebranded his original restaurant Smokehouse 21 into Kim Jong Smokehouse – which has two menu items (bibim and steam rolls. Choice of meats, blah blah). Of course it had to be the one down the street from me that is rebranded because Smokehouse 21 is dope as fuck. Smokehouse Tavern is supposed to be the larger version of that, but since it’s across the river it may as well be on Mars as far as I’m concerned.)
* Screen Door – great southern restaurant. Any local who calls it overrated can get fucked.
* Tin Shed, on the other hand, is overrated. Pass.
* Voodoo Donuts – If you want the experience, by all means go to the one downtown. If you just want the crazy donuts, go to the one off Sandy Blvd. If you want great donuts, I prefer Blue Star. For $3 a donut, it better be good.
* Powell’s – is a giant bookstore. Their antique/rare books room is cool and it’s a chill place when it’s not super busy.
* Lardo East – Oregon loves its pork, but frankly, most people can’t cook it for shit. Lardo is an exception to the rule. Their dirty fries are shoestring fries with rosemary garlic, peppers, and pieces of pork (usually including a couple pieces that can be described as chicharrone).
* Chicken & Guns – Peruvian chicken at food cart pod across the street from Lardo. Best chicken i’ve ever had. There’s also a creperie, pizza place, and a poutine food cart in the pod. And booze.
* Teote Areperia – Around the corner from Lardo. This is a great Latin American restaurant with a cool rooftop patio if the weather is nice.
* Pambiche – Great Cuban restaurant. Down the street from a block of restaurants that are also worth checking out: Slowburger (Excellent), Pie Spot (I love it. I never thought to as OSZ what he thinks of it), Providore Fine Foods (A market with carryout options. The fried chicken comes highly recommended).
* Hollywood Vintage – near the above spots. I also wanted to mention it to brag that we got flashed by a hot tattooed women who works there.
* Ramen – There are plenty of good options. Hapa PDX, House of Ramen, Boxer Ramen. There are some other popular places I haven’t tried yet that you can read about at pdx.eater.com.
* Stepping Stone Cafe – This place is great for breakfast. It’s a classic diner and it’s in my neighborhood. I don’t get there enough, but I love it.
* Coffee – Coffee depends on a Hell of a lot of variables. The standard-bearer is Stumptown, which hasn’t (yet) suffered a decline in quality as a Peet’s subsidiary. My preferred shop is the one in the Ace Hotel. You can chill out in the hotel’s lobby and enjoy some nice, hipsterish but still bearable vibe. There’s one deep in SE PDX if you end up headed that way. If you want Stumptown, though, you can pretty much get it anywhere in this city.
Barista is a popular local chain with $1 High Life bottles (10-12oz, or so) during happy hour (4-6pm). They either don’t have free wifi (NW) or limit it at peak hours (Alberta), so it keeps the riffraff low. Heart has come recommended. Bro and I were indifferent but their spicy chai is *gasp* actually spicy, at least as PDX goes. My personal favorite coffee is the Coava on Grand Ave. I’m a cheap fuck, but I will get the Honey Latte when I go because it is amazing.
* Tea – I can only recommend Tea Chai Te because that’s the only place I go as it’s in my neighborhood but otherwise totally what I want in a tea shop. I used to do high tea with my mother back home but I wouldn’t dare now. Not yet, still. There are places that do it, but I haven’t checked. Anyway, TCT has a selection of around 200 teas and they will make any of them hot, iced, bubble tea, whatever you like; and serve it individually, in small pots, and in large pots. I go with the small pots.
* Yama Sushi – Excellent sushi, but expensive. I wasn’t paying when I visited. 🙂
* Portland City Grill – The bar has an excellent view of the city from the 31st floor of the US Bank building. Happy hour is pretty cool but it gets crowded as Hell.
* Bars – Low Brow Lounge is a cool dive bar in the Pearl. River Pig is a good bar. Ground Kontrol is an arcade bar. The rest is … You’re not going to be short of options.
* Tilt – I like Tilt. It’s hearty food, but a bit pricy (or maybe it’s just me). I figured I may as well mention it.
* Pine State Biscuit – It’s a local chain but it does what it does well (biscuits).

Salem

* Word of Mouth – The only suggestion I will make for Salem. The wait is long because it’s worth it.

Corvallis

* I’ll have to check. I recall being recommended a BBQ place or two. And 2 Towns Ciderhouse is in Corvallis (or, well, on the way into town from I-5).

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Ahh… coffee talk!

I believe I got to all of those places when I was in Portland a couple years back except Heart. I liked Coava best of the local roasters and I liked Barista since it had Olympia Coffee Roasters and they’re my favorite roaster in the PNW.

Stumptown is basically a west coast foil for Chicago’s Intelligentsia which Peet’s also bought. Intelli’s high-end stuff remains good but they grossly overcharge for it in their shops, particular when it comes to espresso.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Heart’s new

litre_cola

Jesus, my mouth just started watering. Mrs. Cola has always wanted to go there so this may have to happen as we have 1 direct flight from here to there a day! Huzzah!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Burp

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Falcons players, in mocking tone: “Look! Look at me! I’ve got a purple mind-sword, too!”
AARon: “C’mon guys! Psylocke is a cool X-men character!”
/Daydreams about Hugh Jackman as he walks back to the huddle

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

A.A.Ron strikes me more as a Nicholas Holt fan than Jackman. Because that what you get a pretty boy who can also turn into a (blue) bear.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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“Hey Josh, how does my hair look?”
“Majestic, as always, Tom.”
/Deep sigh of relief

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

ZOMG THEY FOUND US! IT’S A RAID! EVERYONE HIT THE DECK!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

DFP HQ raid; The smoke is not from a police flash-bang grenade; it is from tWBS’ bong.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Ironically, tWBS and MTWV both had bongs made from police flash-bang grenades in the clubhouse.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

WEIRD!

litre_cola

Man am I glad I went for munchies when this happened. Sorry for not coming back guys there was an intriguing dog I had to pet.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Alternate caption

“Hey Josh, how does my hair look?”
“Get fucked.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello
LemonJello

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“The 9/11 Inside Job play; 50% of the time, it works every time.”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Shogun Jerry or whomever gave us the much better Blue Bunny nickname for McCarthy

Enrico Pallazzo

Coaches GIF:

You can tell that Stone Cold Steve Austin and bearded King Kong Bundy are ready for Wrestlemania.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Enrico Pallazzo

Malcolm Mitchell loves being in the NFL although he could do without the mandatory sideline Klan meetings.

Beerguyrob

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“Strange – Aaron usually has better footwork.” – Neil Patrick Harris

Beerguyrob
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

http://cdn.phillymag.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/chip-ice-bucket.gif

The pool is a metaphor for coaching at Oregon, you see.

Beerguyrob

CESSPOOL! CESSPOOL!

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

In that blacks aren’t welcome?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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One of these is the face of a “highly successful NFL coach”

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Pittsburgh clearly employing the “Sgt Schultz” defensive scheme here.

LemonJello
LemonJello
LemonJello
LemonJello

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The phrase “a bag of smashed assholes” in gif form.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Note: P*triots sideline gif

Alternate: “With this Surface Pro from Microsoft* I can order up all sorts of new versions of gritty, lunchpail, P*triot Way recievers** from the cloning vats!”

*Proud partner of the NFL and it’s national disgrace of a commissioner
**white, he means white

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Quinn: “The first open box got his attention, now get those other two out of the ice chest and really distract Ol’ Captain Blue Bunny over there!”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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I’m pretty confident this play would also work against the Browns

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Unlike with iPads, the surface pro interface is enhanced with boogers

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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I was calling for a FLAG, what did you think I said?

litre_cola

Oh, this is good.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Yet when another Hogan is caught on tape this wide open, Gawker has to go bankrupt

theeWeeBabySeamus

For my money, King Hippo’s in game comment for this one trumps all….
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Aaron Rodger’s feets are apparently way way ticklish (or words to that effect).

King Hippo

hey, I was remember??

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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We hope you enjoyed this reenactment of the cumulative interactions Aaron Rodgers has had with his immediate family for the last three years.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m going to recycle MakeItSnow’s gem from the liveblog, for those who missed it.

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“The George Halas Trophy uses the absolute minimum amount of silver that you could possibly make a football shape out of. They ought to call it the Mike Brown Trophy.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Btw, this is what the Halas trophy used to look like, so as usual, thanks for being a giant penny-hoarding soulless douchenugget, Roger Goodell!

http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.64390.1313800352!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/landscape_630/image.jpg

LemonJello
LemonJello

#REBRANDING #NATIONALDISGRACE

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Douche juggernaut…. doucheggernaut?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Cuntler

AFC? NFC? Who gives a shit?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Point stands for the Lamar Hunt trophy:

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LemonJello
LemonJello

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“Grumble, grumble ifnanceonlyknewwhatididtohismomwiththat grumble.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Marv Albert calls this move “The Houdini” although in his version the ending is a little different.

SonOfSpam

I think he said “The Houdini” but I couldn’t tell with the ballgag in his mouth.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Houdini died of AIDS!

SonOfSpam

His balls were made of pussy!

LemonJello
LemonJello

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AARon: “I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!”
Ref: “I KNOW that’s not what you eat, sunshine.”

LemonJello
LemonJello

Alternate: “X-Men: Apocalypse WAS a good movie!”

LemonJello
LemonJello

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*humming to himself*
“Throw out your hands!! Stick out your tush!! Hands on your hips Give them a push!!
You’ll be surprised You’re doing the French Mistake!! VOILA!!”
*whistle ends play*

SonOfSpam

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Bouncing balls off an unsuspecting USC girl’s ass and then scoring? “Let’s run the Mark Sanchez play again.”

LemonJello
LemonJello

“That’s not how we did it at Tennessee.”

-Manningbot 1.0

Curse of Marino
Curse of Marino

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One of the few times this weekend that Rodgers tried to avoid a man jumping into his lap.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It’s low-hanging fruit, but I will always click for more A.A.Ron jokes