[10:05 AM, Interior of Dave, The 5, heading south]

tWBS: I thought you said we had to stick to the yellow.

balls:  Yes.

tWBS:  So, why are we heading south on I-5?

balls: The 5.

tWBS: I-5!

balls: The 5.

tWBS:  Look, it’s part of the United States Interstate Highway system created by the Federal-Aid Highway Act of 1956.  Dwight D. Eisenhower didn’t sign that piece of legislation so you could take out the I!

balls: The 5. And take the next exit. Now!

balls yanks the wheel and tWBS takes Dave across five lanes to take the exit 500 feet away to the 52.

tWBS:  What the fuck?!?

balls:  You need food.  You are getting loopy.  And you said you needed to pee.

tWBS:  GETTING loopy????  Have you been listening to even one thing I’ve said?

balls:  Of course.

tWBS:  Oh, really?

balls:  Didn’t I just remind you about your need to…relieve yourself?  Didn’t I just risk my life to get you off the 5…

tWBS:  I-5…

balls: ……(grumble grumble)…..to get you headed towards a place where you could…you know….?

tWBS:  Oh yeah, I forgot.  Hey!

After a few more miles, tWBS pulls Dave into the parking lot of Lolita’s.

balls: You go pee and I’ll get the food.

tWBS:  I thought you said you weren’t paying for shit.

balls: I’m not.

tWBS: M’kay…. Cryptic enough?

balls:  Shut up and go pee.

After tWBS pees, he returns to find balls sitting at a table with a carne asada burrito and a plate of fish tacos.

tWBS:  How did you get the food if you didn’t pay and why aren’t they screaming at you?

balls:  One:  You ask too many questions.  Two:  Eat your food.  All of this is for you.  I already ate.  And don’t you DARE pick up a fork in my presence!

tWBS:  Shit, alright!

tWBS digs in and his mood instantly changes.

tWBS:  Damn, dude.  This shit is so good, I think it moved.

balls:  Yeah, I get it. That’s why we’re here.  You’re going to need energy for the next forty-eight hours.

tWBS with fish taco in mouth: hhuunnhhphff?

balls:  Don’t talk with food in your mouth.  How many times do we have to go over this?

tWBS chews quickly and aggressively.  He swallows (giggity) and then, as he begins to speak, a medium sized tortilla crumb complete with queso smear, falls from his mouth into his lap.  He is blissfully unaware…..

tWBS:  Wow, this is really good.

balls:  I know.

tWBS:  Can you give me a little bit of a clue as to what we’re doing?

balls: No.

tWBS:  Why?

balls: Because.

tWBS: Why am I friends with you again?

balls: Shut up and eat.

tWBS digs in again and temporarily forgets about his questions.  After they finish, the duo climb into Dave and head down the 805 towards the border.

tWBS: Ok, so once we cross, what’s the next move?

balls: We need to go to Revolución.

tWBS: Where on Revolución?

balls:  I don’t remember.  We need to park and then walk.

As they get near to the border, tWBS reaches into his pocket in search of something.

balls:  What are you doing?

tWBS:  Looking for my passport.

balls, laughing: We don’t need it to go INTO México!

tWBS: No, I’m talking on the way back.

balls:  Don’t worry about it.

tWBS: Shit.

They wave to the border agent waving everyone through and take the exit towards downtown Tijuana. As they get close to Avenida Revolución, tWBS finds a parking structure and they pull Dave in.  They start walking. Suddenly, something catches tWBS’ eye.

tWBS:  Oooh, a zebra!

balls: That’s not a zebra.  That’s a donkey painted to look like a zebra.  A zonkey.

tWBS:  I don’t care what it is. Can we get our picture taken with it?!?

balls:  No.

tWBS:  Aw, come on!  I’ll pay for it!

balls: No.

tWBS: Come on!  It’s a zonkey!

balls:  Ok, fine.

As the man taking care of the donkey sets up the camera, balls starts speaking to him in spanish.

balls: ¿Oye, sabes donde está el bar donde tienen las mejores margaritas del mundo?

Donkey Picture Man: ¡Sí, como no!   Una cuadra por allá hay un callejón que tiene unas escaleras que van hacia abajo. Entra por ahi y el bar está a la derecha como a la mitad del descenso.

balls:  ¡Muchas gracias!

tWBS:  What was that all about?

balls: I know where the place is now.

After tWBS gets the picture from the Donkey Picture Man, they start walking in the direction he told them.  After a little bit, a walkway with stairs heading down appears on the left.

balls:  This is it.

tWBS:  Dude, it’s kinda dark down there.  And it’s the middle of the day!

balls:  Relax, you’ll dig this.

They head into the stairwell and take a second to adjust their eyes to the darkness.  Then, they walk down.  The stairwell gets progressively darker as they head down.  The smell of delicious barbecued meat is now present.

tWBS: Dude, that smells good!

balls:  Yeah, we must be getting close.

tWBS:  What is that?  Pork, beef, chicken?

balls:  Um, none of those…

tWBS: What else could it be?

balls:  Hey, we’re here!

There is large door on the right side.  They open it and enter a long bar lit only by red light bulbs.  Above the bar, the heads of three bulls watch over the patrons.  The bar is about three-quarters full of bodies, but it’s so dark you can’t really distinguish who is there.  The duo find an empty booth and sit down.

tWBS:  What is this place?

balls:  It’s a bar.  And restaurant.  They make the best margaritas you will ever have in your life.  I recommend the mango one. Blended.

tWBS:  Mango?!?  What the fu…

balls:  Shut up.  It’s good.  Trust me.

tWBS pulls out his phone and taps it repeatedly for a few moments.  He giggles and hands his phone to balls…

tWBS:  Hee hee…remember this?

balls:  That might be the worst video I’ve ever seen.

tWBS:  Yeah, sorry.  There weren’t any better ones.

balls:  Take the hint.

tWBS:  Huh?

balls:  I said…they make a winner….of a Mango Margarita.  Remember?

tWBS:  Oh, yeah….right.  Do they have anything else?

balls:  Oh yeah, all kinds of fruits.  Pick a fruit and you can’t go wrong.

tWBS:  I mean food.  And also….

balls:  Please stop saying that.  But, yeah.  They do.  As long as you don’t care what it is you’re eating, you’re good.  It will be damn tasty.

tWBS:  On second thought, I think I’m still pretty full from lunch.

balls:  Suit yourself.

An old man comes over to take their order.  In spanish, balls orders a mango margarita, a cactus fruit margarita, and a plate of nachos.

balls:  Una cosa más.  ¿Sabe si está aqui Mónica?

The old man shrugs and walks away.

balls:  Shit.  I guess we’ll just have to wait.

tWBS:  Wait for what?

balls:  We’re supposed to meet someone.  She’s not here yet.

tWBS: She?  Is she hot?

balls:  Seriously?

tWBS:  I’m just saying…  We’re in TJ, it’s an adventure…  There had better well be a payoff…

balls:  You really need to get laid…you know that, right?

tWBS:  I’ll presume that’s rhetorical and…..

balls:  Would you please stop quoting Archer?  I will murder you.

tWBS:  Fine.  But it’s funny.  So really, what about this chick?  She…ya know…..?

balls:  I don’t know.  I’ve never met her before.

The margaritas come out and they are indeed the best in the world.  Since they are waiting, they order another round.  And another.  And another.  The nachos are good too.  Oh, and another round of margaritas.  Semi-drunk, they see a figure approaching.

Mónica: Señores. ¡Bienvenidos a Tijuana! Soy Mónica.

balls (standing up to greet her): ¡Señorita Mónica!  Es un placer.  Por favor siéntese.

tWBS (making room):  Here, next to me!

Mónica sits next to tWBS.  Her hair is long and brunette.  She is not ugly.  Quite beautiful in fact.

tWBS:  HOLA!

Mónica gives tWBS a smile, replies a Hola, and faces balls.

Mónica: So, you seek her?

balls:  Yes.  Can you help us?

Mónica: Why do you seek her?

balls: Tu sabes.

Mónica: Why should I help you?

balls takes his bag and opens it slightly so only Mónica can see the contents.

Mónica: Ok.  Nada más tengo una condición.

balls: Ok.

Mónica: Tu amigo me cae bien. Me lo llevo por la noche.

tWBS:  Wait, whut….?

balls:  ¡Trato hecho!

Mónica looks at tWBS with a lustful eye.  She reaches into her purse and pulls out a piece of paper and gives it to balls.  Looking at tWBS, she says, “Nos vemos” and walks away.

tWBS:  Uh, what just happened, dude?  Does she like me or is she just screwing with me?

balls:  We got what we needed.  Oh, and we’re going to have to find a place to sleep.  We’re staying the night.

tWBS: Cool!  Maybe we can go to one of those nightclubs we saw on the way here!

balls:  I’m going to go check out a soccer game.  You are going to be busy.  Let’s get going, we need to go to the farmacia.

The two start to walk out.

tWBS:  Wait, aren’t we paying the bill?

balls: She took care of it.  You better be good.

tWBS:  Huh?  What does that mean?

They emerge into the daylight and are temporarily blinded.  Once they adjust again, balls walks into the nearest farmacia and asks the pharmacist for a package of Viagra.  He brings it and balls starts walking away.

balls:  Pay the man.

tWBS:  What the!?!  Here (handing money to pharmacist).  Why did we get this? Are you having problems?

balls:  Nah, this is for you.  You’re gonna need it tonight.

tWBS:  First of all, I appreciate the confidence you have in me to pull a hot Mexican hottie, deserved or not….. but second of all, I don’t need this, my equipment still works just fine thank you very much!  I’ll prove it right here, right now…..

balls:  No, no, please…no need for that.  I’m sure it does, but Mónica needs to be completely satisfied.  This is just insurance.

tWBS:  Mónica? The hot chick from the bar?  Wait, did you just pimp me out?

balls:  Yeah, you got a problem with that?

tWBS thinks about how hot Mónica looked.  He says, “Well, no, but still!  At least show me the piece of paper she gave you!”

balls:  Ok, here it is.  You’ll notice that on the back the words “San Felipe” are written.  That’s where we are headed next.

tWBS: San Felipe?

balls: Did I stutter?

tWBS:  Well if we know where we’re going, why don’t we just go already?

balls grins, but says nothing.

tWBS:  I always get scared when you give me that look.

balls:  Go get some rest.  You’re gonna need it.

To be continued…