To Hell With International Breaks Especially Before Derby Day

Everton starts this weekend’s festivities with a visit to Anfield to take on the hated Redshite (7:30, NBCSN), a ground at which they have not won since Jeebus walked the Earth.  To make matters worse, over the interminably boring international break that preceded this crucial match (not only for pride and bloodsport, but also European positioning), Toffee RB and indispensable man Seamus Coleman sickeningly broke his leg (on a cowardly, dirty as fuck tackle by a Welsh national who just happens to be a Redshite as well).  A few days later, Everton’s lone remaining first-team reserve CB and LB, Ramiro Funes Mori (who also starts when Everton go three at the back, a formation that would make sense to deploy at Anfield) tore his meniscus and will also be out for the season.

So…just fuck everything already.  Also, Romelu Lukaku won’t sign a new contract, and Everton will at most keep him for one last season.  Depressing as fuck.

I will no doubt be too miserable about another Derby hiding to watch the smattering of 10:00 window games, but you feel free to choose amongst Chelsea hosting Palace (NBCSN), West Brom trudging into Old Trafford for United to win their 50th in a row (CNBC), or maybe my sleeper pick, Leicester hosting Stoke (Extra Time).  Stoke will want to take Foxy Footy out of their recent comfort zone, and it will be an interesting test for them.

Soton/Bournemouth is the featured match (12:30, NBC), though it doesn’t really mean very much.  What else are you gonna do?

Sunday starts with a relegation battle – 19th position Middlesbrough against 17th position Swans (8:30, NBCSN).  Boro’s goal differential is only -13, whereas Swans’ is -27…but 5 points separate them in the table, and that’s quite a bit this late in the game.  Boro must get all three.  We close the weekend with freefalling (but still in 6th) Arsenal hosting 3rd position Man City (11:00, NBCSN), in what will surely be a toxic environment if Wenger’s charges don’t get on top quickly and stay there.  City still face a credible challenge to stay in 3rd (and possibly even Top 4), so they will have ample motivation to keep their boot to the Arsenal neck.

 

0 0 votes
Article Rating
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
Subscribe
Notify of
131 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Bloody Lethal
Fronkenshteen

Listening to Talking Heads outtakes and watching Richard Attenborough’s “Africa” series on Netflix on mute with no closed captioning. Cleaned the whole facking house today, so I’ve earned my hoops. Unfortunately my weed is SUBPAR this week, which means I’ll probably beers it up like a fouchebag (with a DEE) and make everyone angry with me before bedtime!
Activate: Kingsford charcoal and Vienna lager!

Bloody Lethal

Dude that’s too similar to my life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhVXORYHi08

laserguru

Saturday means grocery store day. I’ve got a pretty detailed menu for tomorrow that requires a 3 step prep. I’ll get step 1 going today, step 2 tomorrow morning and finish up for Sunday dinner.
This is a really tasty bastard.

Unsurprised

Sounds awesome.

laserguru

You should be able to read all about it a week from tomorrow.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Ok. last one before I pass out until I bug people to play poker

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ll5y2hZdCI

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

She also created one of the first iconic racing soundtracks. Also she is extremely hot.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Everyone knows I had a soft spot for 90’s music. I won’t apologize

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TR3Vdo5etCQ

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My wife watches The Voice so I see Gwen pretty much every night. I really respect how loyal she stayed to her bandmates in No Doubt, but I’ve never cared for her music one bit.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I LOVED her when she was starting out. and still love certain songs. I also have a fetish for hot blondes with no boobs because of her.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s a beautiful day here in California, and you know that means: HOUSEWORK! Which usually means Phish as background music.

Though I often start out with this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eI9WoDh8OwA

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I JUST told you I have no weed. Dick <3

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

@ICRM Moot means the opposite of what you think. “Up to debate” Mute also doesn’t mean what your distractor’s will tell you. They are just idiots

...

/chugs beer

Wut.

...

I’ll moot you.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

For those of you who missed it on the sexy thread, I saw this type of horse yesterday – 10 months old and racing around to show off for another horse who was nearby. Most beautiful animal I have ever seen.

comment image

Brick Meathook

HOLY SHIT! Today is my lucky day! I just got a blow job from a super-model!!

I didn’t have the heart to tell him to stop…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s kind of dumb that super-models don’t have super-powers.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I mean, most of them don’t even have *regular* powers, like literacy and the ability to balance a checkbook.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

BEING ABLE TO SEDUCE ME ISN’T A POWER.

Pretty much anybody can do that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Notice the sign.

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s a Great Morning!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I miss being able to do this so much

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEW-j_OLh5U

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I love the intro to this video
“Fuck you all this is the last song of the evening”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcXYz0gtJeM

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Bowie cover I love more than the original.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fregObNcHC8

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fantastic song.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Last one til I decide in 5 min to break this promise

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoDh_gHDvkk

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am trying really hard not to lean right on my broken chair. Moar Bowie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRD0ghlFSgk

Brick Meathook

Fuck yeah! I won $8,500 on a scratch-off ticket this morning!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Congrats sir. So will you make it to Vegas next year or do you have bills?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, that is awesome.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Litre Cola is interested in being your personal barman

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

My chair is broken to the point I might die if I lean back. I have a nice buzz and have done all my school and family related jobs. I am gonna lay in bed and watch TV or continue my music I have started. I am thinking I might go Bowie tbh

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

But seriously, how secure is the golf course at Mar a Lago? Seems like if you wanted to blast the president with confetti (you know, as an April Fool’s Day joke) you could just change out one of the tee box markers with something that would create an explosion of confetti. Then all you’d need is some surveillance to know exactly when he’s standing there (hell, you could probably just contract that part out to TMZ) and BAM, he’s covered in confetti.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

This really depends on how much more shit the local gov is gonna put up with after him bankrupting them.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A golf course has got to be one of the biggest security nightmares the Secret Service has to deal with. It’s got an insanely large perimeter, more hiding places than you could imagine, an extremely well defined path of travel with guaranteed arrival points, the ground is constantly being dug up, it’s full of living creatures (not just humans) all the time…and now you talk about playing the SAME golf course every single week…

...

Plus the target in question is large. Very large. And likes to wear a bright red hat.

...

BUT THE MAN I AM TALKING ABOUT IS NOT JOLLY

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Tiny hands though

BrettFavresColonoscopy

It’s ok, though, because it’s a super exclusive club that has good control over its visitor logs and doesn’t just sell memberships to anyone.

Oh, wait: http://www.politico.com/story/2017/03/trump-visitor-logs-mar-a-lago-236564

...

Would be fun to see his jiggle across the fairway covered in confetti mouth puckered to peak pucker

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am drinking because fuck you Saturday. Back to some FotC. One I think I didn’t post last night

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlYkIJVguCU

ballsofsteelandfury

An actual physical DFO bar would be the greatest thing in the planet.

Think about it, we already have Commentists that are bartenders, we have Commentists that know a shit-ton about beer (and could make their own beer that would be sold at the DFO pub/bar), and we have Commentists that appreciate all kinds of sports.

We can get a shit-ton of TVs showing every sport imaginable and we would be open at all hours of the night so we can watch sports from around the world.

We could also have Commentist-themed menu items:

Balls of Steel’s Rocky Mountain Oysters
Make it Snow-cones
Litre_cola’s Litre of Cola
Moose-burgers
Horatio Cornblower’s Corn on the Cob

Yeah Right would be the Head Chef, Make it Snow would be the Beer version of Sommelier, and tWBS would be head of HR and would hire all the wait staff.

I may have to start playing the lottery.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m very insulted that you didn’t include Rikki-Tikki-Deadly’s Deadly Hot Tikka Masala.

ballsofsteelandfury

DAMMIT! IT WAS RIGHT THERE!

laserguru

Great. Now I want Indian food.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I could be the guy that hates his life but fixes all your computer problems. And talks your wives out of leaving you for starting a bar that is just a bad startup company unless you move it to Appleton that for some reason inexplicitly can house a new bar even though our main street is only bars.

ballsofsteelandfury

Done!

laserguru

I’ll have a base menu but I’ll have a rotating special every Sunday. I just need to come up with a theme for it.

...

My contribution will just be pushing malort shots on everyone until I get thrown out.

nomonkeyfun

pictured: The first customer to try DFO Corn on the Cob

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

And my, um, cocktail weenies?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I just got informed yesterday by my ISP I torrented a video. So Dickbag McWearsabadgeronhishead is actually going to steal and track your online history vigorously after his latest EO. I finally invested in a VPN to hide my internet usage. I would suggest that other people do that if they don’t want their lives sold now that Trump is gonna watch everything you do on the internet.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Exactly zero Democrats voted for that.

Idiots: “Both parties are equally bad!”

Fuck you, mouthbreathers

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

With torrents (I *should* but do not currently use a VPN) I’ve been “warned” a few times but have found that if I immediately stop/pause it as soon as it’s done downloading, I’m fine.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

They actually gave me (my dads email) the message to not download stuff. It wasn’t even a good movie. I just was delaying doing Cisco labs. (Star Trek Beyond)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Recent movies and FX shows are the most likely to get you pinched, in my experience.

...

So, the letter of the law said ISPs couldn’t sell browsing history without permission. Does anyone know if these ISPs were smuggling in consent to the service agreements making this change in law moot?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

@BFC April Fools Day has been ruined by the internet. Lying assholes saying stupid shit that is gonna be believed is just a Saturday now. Except worse because the person repeating it is now probably the president

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Every day on Fox “News.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ve actually never liked April Fools Day, but a few important people in my life have bdays today, so I’ve taken a more positive approach to it.

My gf is going to love her empty engagement ring box.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy

For all you hating on April fool’s day, I thought this was decent:
https://twitter.com/Laphroaig/status/848067539062194178

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s probably not going to look good to people when they ask my wife why she has a bloody nose and she says “oh, the dog did it.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Better than when people looked at the bloody dog and I said my nose did it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Denver Bronco’s quarterback, Brian Griese nearly missed a football game against the Baltimore Ravens after he sprained his ankle when he was run over by his dog. “I was walking down the stairs and my dog came barreling down the stairs after me and clipped me, and I kind of twisted my ankle on the stairs,” Griese said.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

My mom’s dog jumps up and stabs me in the dick with her claws every time I go over for a visit. I am the only person she does this to. I don’t stare at my dick enough to know for sure but I probably have scarring from her recurrent attacks.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This incident prepared him to play behind the Dolphins’ O-Line

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Or else she’ll could tell them she has a cocaine problem, but then they will be hounding* her to share some of that sweet, sweet cocaine with them.

*pun intended.

litre_cola

Fulham wins and moves to playoff zone, Chelsea loses at home. What a great morning!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The stunt double for the new movie needs a lot of CGI to make it work.
comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Can I talk about my plan for assassinating the president and if I get in trouble just tell the Secret Service that it was an April fool’s joke?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We’d have to go WAAAAAAAAAY down the line of succession to make anything work.

litre_cola

GOOOAAAALLLLL FULHAMMMM!!!!!

WE GOIN UP WE GOIN UP!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That interwebsnet search took longer than I thought it would.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Guys, be careful when celebrating Derby Day. I took things too far one year and it cost me my job.”

– Brandon Spikes

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What is this from?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not sure which one, but this is the actress:

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000773/

litre_cola

Think I may have lost my part time bar gig last night. I have a vicious cold, called in and they said they needed me. Still very contagious rolled in bartended for 4 hours, it was dead so I said I have to go home I have a fever, and cold sweats. They told me I had to stay another hour for the ‘rush’ which never happened. Sneaky kniving manager will for sure throw me under the bus.

litre_cola

The management team is 4 women. The GM is my old roommate and like a little sister to me, the other hens are, 1 is dumb, the other bitchy, the other has no spine. Plus I shit you not, the GM told me their cycles are all in sync. I have worked there 1 or 2 nights a week since it opened 5 years ago. I am so angry.

litre_cola

Yep, pseudo sis wasn’t there. So bitchy hen runs the show. It is a hobby but with the wife taking a year off for millilitre cola I kinda need the money.

herodotus450

We rob a bank, buy the bar, fire the hens, and hire back litre_cola expecting he’ll take a pay cut as a “friends” discount!

litre_cola

Done! Hell I will quit my full time civil servant job too!

herodotus450

DFO is prepared to make a $12/year* offer for you to comment full time here.
*Offer** only valid for the first year
**”Offer” is non-binding, terms and conditions apply

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Has the killer instinct Broncos lack, smh.

Unsurprised

Yes. Yes. Embrace the Dark Side.

Fronkenshteen

Morning gents! Latavius Murray to the Vikings. I guess Jerick McKinnon isn’t ever gonna happen, huh?
West Ham aren’t losing!
Got the house to myself for a few hours, but holy shit do I need to clean it.
Activate Coffee, Weed & A Tribe Called Quest’s “Low End Theory” on Sonos.
Let’s get after it!

Unsurprised

April Fool’s Day sucks, pranks suck, and everything sucks.

I’m going to sleep until the heat death of the universe. Or at least until this afternoon. I have to go to the Apple Store because the screws are getting loose from when they replaced my motherboard back in 2013. I shouldn’t even be using the same fucking computer as I was in 2013.

herodotus450

I’m just gonna hide out here all day while building miniature furniture. Fucking hate April Fools day on the internet. WE GET IT YOU THINK YOU’RE FUNNY!

litre_cola

Well Hippo there is a guy who periscopes every Fulham away game from the visitors end. It is highly entertaining. Win and they are in the playoff position

JustStopDude

You know what would help EPL teams? Stop making them have a certain number of British players on each squad.

Imagine the talent you could get without having to use 25 mediocre players on your team.

It makes as much sense as forcing the team to hire Americans.