A Bitter Canucks Fan’s Totally Arbitrary NHL Playoff’s Preview

So, it’s playoff time again. And, once again, my hometown Ice Liouns are on the outside golfing in.

Plus, five coaches got got within 24 hours of the end of the season, so it must be time for playoffs.

The puck drops on the chase for Lord Stanley’s mug on Wednesday, with 5 games on the schedule. Just like last year, I’m putting out the call to interested Commentists who want to contribute a write-up on their favourite team. As of this post, Calgary, Pittsburgh, Columbus, h’Ottawa and maybe the Oilers have all been claimed, but there’s still plenty more to choose from. Have a look at last year’s stellar lineup of contributions about the Western and Eastern Conferences to draw your insights.

The Capitals can pretty much be repeated verbatim.

Right now, to draw your participation, ire and rebuttals, I am going to wildly speculate on the outcome of the first round series, with absolutely no factual basis in reality. You know, the DFO way.

Eastern Conference:

Montreal Canadiens  vs. New York Rangers 

Growing up, my Dad was a Habs fan. Since all Canadians outside the 416 are taught from birth to hate Toronto, my allegiance fell to the Bruins. Lets see how that went:

But I also hate the Rangers, because that prick holding the trophy above-right not only beat the Canucks for the Cup in 1994, but then came to the Canucks and drove the team into the shitter for almost a decade by driving away all its good players because he was Mark Messier.

Prediction: who cares. Hopefully, a fucking meteor.

Ottawa Senators vs. Boston Bruins

Even I have to admit Brad Marchand is a giant prick, but at least he’s our prick. But Ottawa is what happens if white bread ever gains sentience. Still, my Bobby Orr & Ray Bourque cards demand only one choice.

Prediction: Bruins in 6.

Washington Capitals vs. Toronto Maple Leafs 

This one is easy, but contains a caveat. The Capitals have a horrific tendency to shit the bed in early rounds. If they do it against the Leafs, it runs the risk of the national media in Canada fellating that franchise more than they already do. No one needs that. Not up here; not down there.

Prayer-diction: Capitals in 5.

Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Columbus Blue Jackets

I hate John Tortorella almost as much as Mark Messier. Bad things should keep happening to him.

Prediction: Penguins in 5.

Western Conference:

Chicago Blackhawks vs. Nashville Predators

The Blackhawks are consistent; Nashville is fun to watch. I want the Hawks to win so they can eventually face the Oilers in a dream-match, but Nashville winning might kill Gary Bettman. It’s a real Sophie’s Choice.

Prediction: Blackhawks in 7; Gary Bettman has a stroke after Game 6.

Minnesota Wild vs. St. Louis Blues 

The Blues got over their Blackhawks hump last year, so even though they sort of limped into the playoffs, “Stanley Cup champion Minnesota Wild” just doesn’t do it for a kid who remembers Bobby Smith and the old North Stars.

Prediction: Blues in 6

Anaheim Ducks vs. Calgary Flames 

Fuck Ryan Kesler.

Prediction: Flames in 6

Edmonton Oilers vs. San Jose Sharks

Look at this shit. It’s not a playoff beard if you started it 4 years ago. Plus, you’re not Zlatan – cut that fucking thing off the top of your head as well. When a team’s sole basis of personality is “Lookit our defenceman!” because it’d otherwise be “Fuck Joe Thornton!”, you might be doomed.

Plus, Oilers – Blackhawks in the Conference final really is fun to think about. That’s some 80s old school with 2017 talent.

Prediction: Oilers in 5.

When you look at the actual matchups, there’s not really a dog amongst them. They should all be entertaining, and just like March Madness, there’s always one first-round surprise.

If you’ve got a team you’d like to preview, let me know. Share your wisdom/lunacy with others. Remember – 15 of us are going to be wrong.

Join us!