SERVER: Welcome to Cafe Fina on Monterey’s beautiful Fisherman’s Wharf! My name is Nick and I will be your server today. Can I start you off with anything to drink?
CUSTOMER: Well, I…
[DOOR FLIES OPEN]
JOHN MADDEN: EXCUSE ME, BUT YOU APPEAR TO BE SITTING AT MY TABLE, AND WHEN YOU SIT AT MY TABLE I CAN’T SIT AT MY TABLE, AND THAT’S JUST NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS.
CUSTOMER: What? But I had reservations, and this is where they sat–
[MADDEN points to a sign on the wall]
MADDEN: THAT’S JOHN MADDEN. M-A-D-D-E-N. AND SEE, WELL YA SEE, THE THING IS, YOU SHOULD HAVE SAT SOMEWHERE ELSE. BUT YOU DIDN’T. [Bumps CUSTOMER out of his chair and sits in his place with one swift motion]
CUSTOMER: Hey!
SERVER: [To Madden] Here is your menu, sir.
MADDEN: THERE SURE ARE A LOT OF LETTERS IN AMATRICIANA.
SERVER: And your crayons, sir.
MADDEN: LET ME JUST DRAW THIS MEAL RIGHT UP. [Scribbles on the table cloth] FIRST YOU START WITH THE [unintelligible] AND THEN YOU GET THE [unintelligible] [unintelligible] [unintelligible]…
MADDEN: …AND THAT’S REALLY THE FOUNDATION OF ANY GOOD DINNER.
SERVER: Alright, one order of “Mom’s Meatballs and Sausage with Pasta,” coming right up. And would you like soup or salad with that?
MADDEN: I’M EITHER GOING TO GET SOUP HERE, OR SALAD.
SERVER: …I’ll just put you down for one of each.
MADDEN: WHEN YOU HAVE GREAT SERVERS, SERVING GREAT, WELL THAT’S GREAT SERVICE.
I have a dream. I dream that some day, some hero will write an article about John Madden, Jon Gruden and Rex Ryan meeting at Hooters. And on that day, the written word will be altered, for there will be no more capital letters left in the world.
https://www.cafefina.com/about-us/
“Dominic’s excellent cooking has enabled him to be the sole caterer for John Madden’s induction ceremony into the Football Hall of Fame in 2006, and he continues to tour with him every year on the Madden Cruiser to Canton, Ohio.”
I didn’t want to think this was real, and yet here we are. I’m of two minds on this. First, Madden probably knows food really well, so Dominic is probably a hell of a cook but, on the other hand, Madden also looks like he’d eat an old shoe and pronounce it a fine repast if you covered it in melted cheese so, I dunno, maybe Dom’s a mediocre cook with a gift for listening to Madden’s ramblings without going mad?
I like to think John and Pat spend their Sundays getting shithoused on booze and talking shit about the games.
You know, like before but without the getting paid part.
I bet Pat is pretty quiet during those sessions…
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Oh no, there’s a man down.
“That server reminds me of a young gunslinger of a QB that just wants to go out there and play football.”
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As long as they serve drinks.
Are they using liquid nitrogen in these?
Uranium Martinis; they were a bit more careless in those days.
I wish John Madden had been a witness to Jason Pierre-Paul’s accident. One can only imagine what he would have had to say.
“That guy should have been a waiter.”
– Pat Summerall, noticing Ryan Leaf pawing through the dumpster outside.
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