I am a young man of a certain age. That certain age means that I grew up under the threat of nuclear armageddon during the Cold War. I also saw the end of the Cold War and the uneasy transition to the world we live in today where enemies are not easily identifiable by a uniform. To paraphrase a quote from today’s topic, we live in the grays now. The world is no longer black and white.
The Bond movies were born of the same era, roughly, in which I was born and they feel as much a part of me as Cure songs, Mexican soccer teams, and Latina single mothers. What can I say? They’re in my wheelhouse.
I have seen every James Bond movie ever made except one. I have also read all the books. For today’s topic, and in honor of the late Roger Moore, I have one burning question dedicated to each Bond film. In order:
1- Dr. No (1962) – Since Dr. No is Chinese/German, not to be raycess, but there is no way in hell he had a Chinese father and German mother, right?
2- From Russia With Love (1963) – Is it weird that I was really proud that Pedro Armendáriz, a Mexican actor, played Kerim Bey, the Turkish station chief in Istanbul and even prouder of his attitude towards sex?
3- Goldfinger (1964) – Is it now clear why my avatar is the way it is?
4- Thunderball (1965) – Or that my nom de plume is Balls?
5- You Only Live Twice (1967) – When you first saw this movie, were you, like me, dying of laughter looking at “Japanese” 007?
6- On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969) – Did you guess that this one is the one I have never seen and that I have always boycotted seeing it because I always thought it was stupid for James Bond to get married? Follow up: Does it surprise you that I’m unmarried and think Derek Jeter is the smartest athlete in the history of the world?
7- Diamonds Are Forever (1971) – Am I the only one in the world that misses The Mob running Vegas?
8- Live and Let Die (1973) – Do you remember Geoffrey Holder, who played Baron Samedi, more for this role or for his 7 up ads?
9- The Man With The Golden Gun (1974) – Were you as surprised as me that Tattoo was working for Scaramanga and thought that he ended up escaping from the junk boat, washed ashore, and then started working for Mr. Rourke?
10- The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) – WHERE THE FUCK IS MY UNDERWATER LOTUS, YOU FUCKING IDIOT SCIENTISTS?!?!?
11- Moonraker (1979) – Did you all have the same reaction as me watching this film: “Ooh, Venice! Cool, I want to go there some day. Ooh, Rio! Cool, I want to go there some day. Wait, 007 in Star Wars in space?!?! FUCK YOU!!”?
12- For Your Eyes Only (1981) – Ok, seriously, WTF with that dude eating pistachios all the fucking time?
13- Octopussy (1983) – Were you as obsessed as me with this guy’s pronounciation of the word “Octopussy” (at the 1:06 mark)?
14- Never Say Never Again (1983) – This crazy bitch with the puffy shirt
world domination video games with electric shock mechanisms run by a fucked in the head villain
and this shit
how the fuck did this movie not make a billion dollars?
15- A View To A Kill (1985) – Is there better proof that everyone in Hollywood was doing a LOT of drugs in the 80s than this movie?
16- The Living Daylights (1987) – Were the d’Abo sisters the 80s equivalent of the Deschanel sisters or the other way around?
17- Licence To Kill (1989) – Real Talk: Wayne Newton fucking STOLE this movie, didn’t he?
18- Goldeneye (1995) – We’re all agreed that the absolute best way to die is between Famke Janssen’s thighs, right?
19- Tomorrow Never Dies (1997) – Is it raycess that I think this movie has the worst Bond girls of any Bond movie ever made?
20- The World Is Not Enough (1999) – Is this not the greatest ending line in the history of cinema (1:16 mark)?
21- Die Another Day (2002) – Were you, like me, disappointed that someone didn’t stab Madonna with a fencing sword?
22- Casino Royale (2006) – So, um, that dress, huh?
23- Quantum of Solace (2008) – You have to admit, killing a guy by leaving him in the middle of a desert with a can of motor oil is pretty badass, no?
24- Skyfall (2012) – Am I the only one that asked his girlfriend to buy lipstick in this shade?
25- Spectre (2015) – Moose knew I was going to end on this, didn’t he?
and RIP, Mr. Moore. You were awesome.
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